


The Wreckage

by MEF11



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2018-12-07 15:00:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 111,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11626008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MEF11/pseuds/MEF11
Summary: Friends to strangers. Strangers to enemies. Enemies to lovers. An AU loosely inspired by the song "It Ain't Me" by Kygo and Selena Gomez.





	1. The Haunting

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading my other story, Certainty, this one is going to be a little different. It definitely has a little more drama and angst. 
> 
> Speaking of my other story, I haven't abandoned it, I swear! But this story has been rattling around in my brain so much that I just couldn't focus on Certainty until I wrote some of this down. Posting another story might be a terrible idea because now I have two things to keep up with in addition to working seven days a week, but I'm really excited about this one. Right now, my aim is to post one chapter a week, for whatever story comes the most naturally. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and giving this a chance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr @ letter-know.tumblr.com

She catches herself staring again. She watches as her best friend leans casually against the railing of the rooftop bar at the W Hotel.  The air is sticky with the late May heat, and she can see the slight dewy sheen to her skin because of it. Her long blonde hair cascading in beachy waves over her shoulders, the breeze blowing a few stray strands against her face. She doesn’t care. She continues to lean and take in the nearly-set sun, the city below her beginning to light up as the sky fades from red to black. She’s underdressed but somehow she’s made it work. Wearing ripped, black jeans and a white V-neck, a black snapback sits backwards atop her head, and a thin gold chain hangs around her neck. She’s talking about something rather animatedly now, a dimpled grin spreading across her face as she meets her eyes.

 

Ali Krieger can’t stop her racing heart when Ashlyn Harris looks at her that way.

 

“Maybe you’ll work there someday.” Ashlyn says, pointing.

 

“At the White House?” Ali laughs.

 

“Sure. Why not? Maybe they’ll need a German translator.”

 

“But I’m not studying to be a translator.”

 

“Yeah, but you _could_ if you wanted. You can do anything, Ali. I mean you’re only one year away from earning double degrees. That’s two degrees! At the same time!” Ashlyn beams with Pride.

 

“An absolutely insane decision on my part.”

 

“You’re brilliant, Al. A total over-achiever, but brilliant.” Ashlyn grins at her again.

 

Ashlyn steps away from the railing and sits down on the end of the chaise Ali is sitting on. She finishes off her drink just as waitress walks by. She offers to take the glass and asks Ashlyn if she would like another.

 

“Whiskey, neat.” Ashlyn places her order.

 

“Preference?” the waitress asks.

 

“Just tell Adam to pour me whatever he did last time. Tell him it’s for Ash, he’ll know.”

 

The woman nods and starts to walk away when Ashlyn stops her.

 

“Oh, and, I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

 

“Rachel.”

 

“Rachel.” Ashlyn repeats. “Can we also get a glass of champagne?” She smiles in Ali’s direction. “We’re celebrating.”

 

“Of course.” Rachel says.

 

“Thanks so much, Rachel.” Ashlyn gives her a winning smile.

 

“You flirt with everyone.” Ali says with an eyeroll once the woman is out of earshot.

 

“Not everyone!” Ashlyn says in mock offense. “Only the ladies.” She smirks as she scoots back on the chaise and slides in beside Ali. The chair is oversized, but it still leaves the pair without any space between them.

 

“I don’t really mean anything by it.” Ashlyn says a little more seriously.

 

Ali shoots her a _very_ skeptical look.

 

“Most of the time.” Ashlyn amends.

 

The two sit together in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. The sky is dark now, and the breeze is starting to pick up a little. Ashlyn picks up one of Ali’s hands in her own and begins to trace circles on the back of it with an index finger. Ali leans her head against Ashlyn’s shoulder. She tries to keep her breathing steady.

 

“One whiskey, neat.” Rachel says as she holds a drink out to Ashlyn.

 

Ali sits up quickly, startled by the woman’s sudden appearance.

 

“And a glass of champagne for you.” Rachel hands Ali the champagne flute.

 

“Thank you.” Ali mumbles.

 

“A toast” Ashlyn offers, holding her glass up. Ali holds hers up too. “To the end of junior year. To the beginning of the next chapter. And to you, the only person on the planet who truly understands me. I’d be lost without you, Ali.” Ashlyn stares deeply into Ali’s eyes.

 

Ali clinks her glass against Ashlyn’s and takes a slow sip, her eyes never leaving Ashlyn’s.

 

She swallows hard as Ashlyn’s eyes bore into her. They flit to her lips a moment before she meets her eyes again, with more intensity than before.

 

Then she leans. Ali can’t help but match her.

 

Their faces are so close now that Ali can feel Ashlyn’s breath on her skin. Her eyes close.

 

“Ali!” A man’s voice barks at her.

 

Ali jerks back in alarm, trying to find the face of the tall, dark-haired man she knows is glaring at her, but not finding him. All she finds is the darkness of her own bedroom, where she sits upright in bed, alone.

 

 _A dream_ , she thinks _. It was a just a dream_.

 

But Ali knows it wasn’t just a dream, but a memory, and it didn’t end there. That night, those eyes, haunt her lately. Ever since she moved back to D.C., her memories of Ashlyn Harris hadn’t left her alone. She tries to push the dream, the memory, from her mind as she lays back down to search for sleep.

 

*****

 

Ali’s alarm is blaring far too early this morning. The sun has not yet fully risen as she rubs the sleep from her eyes and climbs out of bed. She plods down the hallway to the kitchen, refusing to turn on the lights and acknowledge that start of her day. As her coffee brews, she sits down at the little two-person table in her kitchen and opens her laptop. She scrolls through a few news stories and checks the weather, before opening up a spreadsheet with various furniture items, quantities, and costs. She stands and gets her cup of coffee before giving her full attention to the document. She opens the notes app on her phone and starts making a list, sipping her coffee and watching the sun come up. She sits with her feet up on the chair, resting her coffee cup on her knees. Her dark hair falling out of the messy bun on top of her head after a restless sleep. When she feels thoroughly prepared for her day’s outing, she opens up an email on her phone, and copies an address into Maps so it’s ready to go and then pours another cup of coffee and heads back down the hallway to get ready for the day.

 

The weather in Alexandria, Virginia had been typically diverse for September. Two weeks ago it was in the 90s and this morning, its 66 degrees and threatening to rain. Ali is headed to a farm in rural Virginia so she opts for jeans and boots with a t-shirt and oversized, knit cardigan. She pours the last of the coffee pot into a large travel mug and heads out to the garage of the sweet, little house she just moved into. She makes sure the back of her Land Rover is completely empty before climbing in the driver’s seat and getting on the road.

 

As she pulls out onto the quiet street in the charming neighborhood, Ali reflects on just how happy she is to be home. She moved back to her home state of Virginia after nearly 5 years living abroad in Germany. After what had started out as a year abroad in college turned into a job opportunity, Ali chose to stay and work in Frankfurt while pursuing her Masters, thinking she couldn’t turn down such an amazing offer. And while she made very good money, which ultimately helped her get to where she is now, the job wasn’t anything she had dreamed of doing. A trip home for Christmas ended in an airport panic attack and her mother coming to pick up a hyperventilating Ali after she couldn’t get on the plane. The following May, Ali returned to the home she’d run away from five years before.

 

Two months shy of a year and a half, and Ali is living her dream. She had been working on her business plan even before she left Germany, and was scheduling meetings with banks and realtors only weeks after her return. By the end of the summer, Ali had been granted the loans necessary to open her own vintage goods boutique in Old Town Alexandria and signed a lease on a lovely little storefront on a popular street in downtown. It’s coming up on the store’s one-year anniversary and Ali is planning a big event, and looking for tons of new items for the store. So today she’s doing what she often does on the Monday’s that the shop is closed and driving out to the middle of nowhere to search for treasures.

 

Ali had been renting an apartment since she moved back, until about three months ago when a rather eccentric older woman came into her shop looking for an end table. The woman, Ruth, had recently moved out of the home she’s owned since the 60s. The house, while not large, had become too much work for her, so she had agreed to move in with her son and his family. Ruth explained that her son had “flip-flopped” the house, renovating and updating the whole property. Now she was looking for a rent-to-sell tenant so she could make sure the right person took care of the home she loved so much. Ali ended up giving the woman the table for free and asking for a tour that same afternoon. Ali was excited to search for a few things for her new home too.

 

Ali parks her Land Rover in the field, a short distance away from the expanse of vendor tents set up. There are signs indicating even more vendors in both the barn and the old horse stables. Ali loves cultivating the perfect array of items for her store. Cool retro furniture, lighting, and miscellaneous home décor that feel unique enough to want to buy it on the spot, but still fitting enough with whatever throwback trend is hottest at the moment. For Ali, the value of an item comes from how great it will look in your living room, not how old it is or who made it. She’s not shopping for history, she’s shopping for cool. She doesn’t hesitate to buy items that are beat up or broken, happily taking them home to sand, refinish, repair, or reupholster and bring new life to whatever she finds. Fortunately for Ali, most of the people who come to these shows are looking for antiques for their historic homes. Unfortunately, with a lower demand for vintage items, Ali must search a little harder for the things she wants. She does, however, have a few vendors she’s come to know quite well who will bring things just for her. This morning, she head’s straight for her favorite vendor.

 

“Got anything good for me, Macy?” Ali asks the middle-aged woman with a mop of curly gray hair, wearing paint-stained overalls and rubber boots.

 

“Ali! Nine o’clock on the dot.” Macy says looking at her watch. “Why am I not surprised?”

 

“If you want the first picks, you have to be the first one there.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

 

“You know I wouldn’t let anyone buy the things I’ve pulled for you until you get a chance to look at them.”

 

“I know.” Ali smiles appreciatively at the woman. “That’s why you’re the best.”

 

“Just wait until you see what I’ve brought you.” Macy gives a self-satisfied grin as she leads Ali through the rows of her tent.

 

Ali is thrilled when Macy shows her a teak dining table and chairs, and a light blue, 1960s arm chair, as well as a couple of lamps that need only minimal repairs.

 

“I want all of it!” Ali says excitedly.

 

“I knew you would.”

 

Ali wanders around a little more looking through the vast array of items Macy has.  As she rounds a corner she gasps, taking in the sight of four barstools with thin, round iron legs and soft, gray leather tops.

 

“Aren’t those great?” Macy asks, pleased with her find.

 

“They look just like the barstools from Somewhere Tavern.” Ali says, she’s taken aback.

 

“They are! The owner just sold the place. I had 12 of these to start. They aren’t vintage so I didn’t think you’d be interested, but if you are…” Macy looks to Ali.

 

“Really!? I can’t believe that place is closing. I spent a little too much time there in college.”

 

“Ah, so these are playing to your nostalgia then?”

 

“They definitely will be if there are sharpie drawings under the seats.”

 

“You’re in luck! That one on the end has a shark, and this one here has a crown.”

 

“You’re kidding?!” Ali can’t believe that another memory for her past has shown up today. Especially after the dream she had last night.  “I’ll take them. All four of them.”

 

_Somewhere Tavern never checked IDs and when they did, they pretended not to notice how fake they were. If Ali, Ashlyn, Kelley, and Tobin weren’t attending- or throwing- a party, they could be found sitting at the bar of Somewhere Tavern._

 

_Ashlyn Harris had worked her ass off to escape the small town that raised her, and more than that, the heartache that consumed her there. But in order to get out, she needed to be focused and determined. She gave up the idea of fun as a teenager and clawed her way to George Washington University, scholarship and all. Once she was there, she wanted to make up for lost time so she took up partying like it was her major._

 

_For the first year and a half, Ali joined her. They danced and drank and showed up on Monday mornings with hangovers and inexplicable bruises. All the signs of a night to remember, already forgotten. There were two sides to Ashlyn when she was drinking: The wild, reckless-yet-brilliant leader who could get away with anything, and the darkness. For a while, Ali was her partner in crime. Those were the memories she tried to keep._

 

_“How the fuck do you get a barstool out of a crowded bar on Friday night without being noticed?!” Ali asks in amazement, as she walks beside Ashlyn, who carries the stool under one arm._

 

 _“Better question is how did_ you _not notice? You were right there!” Ashlyn teases. “I can’t give away all my secrets but this one definitely involved whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.”_

 

_In the morning, Ashlyn had woken up on the couch in her living room wearing one shoe and missing her shirt. She finds the barstool she stole wearing it, sitting in the middle of the room. In the light of day she feels guilty about taking something that isn’t hers and decides to bring it back. But not before she grabs a sharpie and marks it as her own. Of course she manages to bring it back unnoticed as well. Every time she visits Somewhere Tavern after that, she inspects the stools until she finds hers, often sweet-talking whoever is currently sitting on it into trading with her. A few months later, she’ll pick another stool up and flip it upside down on top of the bar, in plain view, and draw a crown on the bottom for Ali._

 

_“A queen needs her throne.” Ashlyn cheeses. “And another round of shots!” She calls to the bartender. Ali blushes as she climbs back onto the stool, as their friends cheer loudly around her._

 

“There must be a great story there.” Macy says with a chuckle. She adds the item numbers to the delivery list for Ali.

 

“Oh I’m sure there was,” Ali grins at Macy, “If I could remember it!” Ali winks at the woman as she pulls out her business credit card for Macy to run.

 

*****

 

Ali spends the whole day on the farm, carefully searching through items, and visiting with the people she’s come to know in the time she’s been back. Luckily she was able to arrange delivery for everything she purchased and doesn’t have to haul anything back with her, but she feels a little strange leaving empty handed. Around 5:30 that evening, just as the rain finally begins to fall, she starts her 90 minute drive back home.

 

The drive takes her through the idyllic setting of the Virginia countryside, avoiding main roads and highways nearly the whole way. She appreciates how light the traffic is compared to the zoo that takes place around this time every day as everyone flees DC for their quiet suburbs. The relatively quiet drive gives Ali lots of time to think. She can’t seem to stop her mind from flooding with the memories of Ashlyn Harris, her eyes lit up with excitement, a mischievous smirk playing on her lips. She thinks of the barstool incident, the time Ashlyn convinced her to hop the fence for the big Fourth of July fireworks display, the wedding they crashed and then searching the photographer’s website to see how many pictures they had successfully made it into. She thinks about the box that currently sits in her closet filled with polaroids and ticket stubs and memories of the good days.

 

Then she lets her mind slip back to the darkness. To the days when Ali had set aside her party girl ways started really focusing on her degrees. She’d picked George Washington specifically because they had a German language and literature degree as well as a business school. When she had found out about the European Business School and that she could spend a year living and studying only 45 minutes outside of Berlin, the first person she wanted to tell was Ashlyn. But when she had gone to her house to find her, she found her sitting on the floor of her closet, hyperventilating. Ali had joined her, pulling her into her lap and stroking her hair until she calmed down.

 

Ali wished those moments had been more rare, but Ashlyn’s demons wouldn’t leave her be. Ashlyn tried her hardest to be strong and kind and caring to all she met, but after the fun and energy of a night of drinking started to fade, Ashlyn’s tough exterior would too. It wasn’t the nights that Ali held a sobbing Ashlyn in her arms as they sat on her bed, all the lights turned out, that got to her. It was the nights that Ashlyn called at two in the morning for a ride home, barely able to tell Ali where she was or who she was with. It was the nights she was too afraid to leave Ashlyn alone for fear she might not wake up in the morning.

 

But this darkness wasn’t who Ashlyn was and Ali knew it. Despite how quickly Ashlyn was running to the edge of the cliff, Ali cared deeply for her and the person she knew she truly was.

 

Finally, she lets her mind fill with the memory that came to her in her dreams. She wanted to stop it from playing all the way out in her mind, but it washes over her in waves, dragging her under like the ocean.

 

_She swallows hard as Ashlyn’s eyes bore into her. They flit to her lips a moment before she meets her eyes again, with more intensity than before._

 

_Then she leans. Ali can’t help but match her._

 

_Their faces are so close now that Ali can feel Ashlyn’s breathe on her skin. Her eyes close._

 

_“Ali!” A man’s voice barks at her._

 

_Ali jerks back in alarm, finding the face of the tall, dark-haired man glaring at her._

 

_Ashlyn throws back the rest of her drink and pats Ali on the leg as she stands. “Thanks for a lovely evening, Al.” Ashlyn walks towards the man, stopping briefly to pat him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Nate. We were just sharing secrets, like girls do.” She winks at him as she heads in towards the bar for another drink._

 

 _“Let’s go, Ali. I think you’ve spent enough time with your little_ friend _.”_

 

_“She’s my best friend, Nathan! And stop ordering me around!”_

 

_“Ali,” He softens his tone and comes to stand in front of her, sliding an arm around her waist. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to order you around. And I know you care about Ashlyn, but she’s got problems, Ali. Problems that you can’t save her from, okay? You need to be focused on you and EBS, and she’s not helping you with that at all. She’s a distraction. You can’t keep dropping everything and running off to try and fix her.”_

 

_“She needs me, Nathan.” Ali pleads._

 

_“You need you too, Ali! Can’t you see that she’s standing in your way? You’re enabling her!”_

 

_“You don’t understand her.” Ali pulls away from Nathan and moves to lean against the railing. “You’re just bitter about the other night.” Ali spits at him._

 

 _“I think I have a right to be! When your girlfriend is topless and straddling you, and then she decides to up and leave to go rescue her drunkard of a friend,_ again _, you get to be mad!”_

 

_Ali just scoffs in response._

 

_“And it wasn’t like it was the first time, either. You’ve bailed on dates, made us leave things early, and left me alone in the middle of the night for her. It’s gotten worse and it’s only going to keep getting worse because she knows you’ll show up. I don’t understand why you keep doing this. You’ve worked harder than anyone I know to get what you want and come August we’ll be in Germany and she’s going to have to learn to take care of herself.”_

 

 _Ali doesn’t know what to say. She’s pretty sure her and Nathan are on totally different pages and don’t really want the same things. She’s been pulling away from him more and more lately, but she has to admit that some of what he says might be true. Maybe she_ is _enabling Ashlyn. Maybe they’re both standing in each other’s way. She’d never told Ashlyn that she was accepted into the European Business School program, or that she was planning to leave in only three months. She was too afraid of hurting her. But maybe she had to._

 

_Ali goes home with Nathan. She lets him hold her while they sit on her couch and watch a movie she doesn’t care about. The whole time her mind keeps drifting back to Ashlyn’s toast and the almost-moment they had shared. She’s terrified by what it means, by what she wants it to mean. That night when they go to bed, Ali rolls out of Nathan’s arms as soon as he’s asleep._

 

_The call comes at three in the morning._

 

_“Ali?” Her voice is small and scared._

 

_“Hey Ash.”_

 

_“Will you come, uh, to the place? I need to not be here anymore. I need you, Al.” Ashlyn slurs out on the other end of the line._

 

_“Sure, honey. Do you know where you are?”_

 

_“Home.”_

 

_“Who’s home?”_

 

_“Mine. But Kelley and Tobin live here too.”_

 

_“You’re at your house right now?” Ali is confused. She’s never called her when she’s already home._

 

_“Will you come?”_

 

_“I’ll be right there.”_

 

_Ali lets herself in with the spare key Ashlyn gave her and navigates herself to Ashlyn’s room as quietly as she can. Ashlyn is sitting on her bed with her back against the wall, staring out the window. There’s an empty bottle of liquor next to her, and she can see tear stains on her cheek, glistening in the moonlight._

 

_“I gotta get out of here, Ali.” Ashlyn says. Her voice is hollow, broken._

 

_“Why do you say that?” Ali asks, climbing into bed and sitting up next to Ashlyn._

 

_“I’ve fucked it all up. I’m a fuck up.”_

 

_“You’re not. And don’t you dare talk about my best friend that way.”_

 

_Ashlyn drops her head into her hands and begins to sob. Ali didn’t know it at the time because Ashlyn hadn’t told her, but Ashlyn’s final grades had come in and she hadn’t done well enough to keep her scholarship. Without it, she couldn’t stay. Her advisor had told her the school would be placing her on academic probation if she did stay. She knew she couldn’t._

 

_All Ali wanted was to help Ashlyn. She wanted her to be able to see her value, her potential. But no matter how hard she tried, Ashlyn kept giving up on herself._

 

_They sit together in silence a while after Ashlyn’s sobs have stopped. Finally, Ali speaks._

 

_“What is it that you want, Ash?” Ali’s voice is filled with hopeful optimism. Maybe if Ashlyn can tell her what her goals are, she can help her get there. “What do you dream about?”_

 

_There has to be something._

 

_Ashlyn turns to Ali and looks into her eyes._

 

_“You.”_

 

_Ali doesn’t know how to respond. She wants to smile but she’s too afraid. She shakes her head._

 

_“I dream about you. About kissing you. About touching you.”_

 

_Ali breathes in sharply as Ashlyn wraps her arms around Ali’s waist and pulls her into her. Ali makes the first move, pressing their lips together in a searing kiss. It’s passionate and intense. Ashlyn deepens it immediately, her tongue exploring the inside of Ali’s mouth, as Ali’s hands work to remove Ashlyn’s shirt._

 

_Ashlyn moves them effortlessly so they’re laying down, and Ali quickly rolls on top of Ashlyn as things continue to escalate. Hands and tongues are roaming everywhere, clothing is shed, breathing is heavy. Ali feels her heart pounding as Ashlyn slides a hand into her underwear._

 

_“Stop.” Ali gasps._

 

_Ashlyn immediately stops, looking to Ali without hurt or anger, only seeking explanation._

 

_“I’m so sorry.” Ali says resting her forehead against Ashlyn’s._

 

_“It’s okay, Al.”_

 

_Ali tries to hold her tears back, but she feels them spilling over, and falling onto Ashlyn’s skin._

 

_“I love you.” Ashlyn mumbles._

 

_Ali places a hand on Ashlyn’s cheek and gently strokes it with her thumb until she feels the blonde’s breath even out into sleep. She quietly gets dressed before sitting at Ashlyn’s desk to write her a letter. She lets her tears fall freely, hitting the page with soft splats as she writes._

 

_She leaves the letter on the desk and goes back to the bed to press a soft kiss to Ashlyn’s lips._

 

_That was the last time Ali saw Ashlyn in person._

 

Ali wipes a stray tear from her cheek and rolls her eyes at herself. After all these years, she’s annoyed with herself that the memories still hold so much power over her. They haunt her. She’s still rather deep in thought when her attention is suddenly ripped away from her memories and brought back to the road before her. Headlights that were once in the opposite lane, are now barreling toward her at full speed. A figure darts between the cars as Ali tries to swerve to avoid the car speeding towards her.

 

The world around her begins to spin as sounds of metal bending and glass breaking pierce her ears. She smells gas and something burning, and then the air is filled with white powder. She feels something crushing her chest. A woman is screaming.

 

It isn’t until her car rights itself and stops moving, that she realizes the voice she hears is her own.


	2. Like a Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got one more chapter already written but then I'm going to switch my focus back to Certainty for a minute. Hope you enjoy this one!

Black. That’s all there is.

  
  
Then, the sounds. A faint hissing, voices shouting. Someone talking, panicked. “It just kept rolling. I couldn’t go look, I can’t see a dead body. I don’t know how anyone could survive that. You have to help them!”

  
  
“That’s what we’re going to do ma’am. Thank you for your help. Are you able to come and speak with the police officers now?”

  
  
The second voice is like a ghost. It’s familiar, calming. She can’t hear it anymore and she wants to shout for it to come back but something won’t let her.

  
  
The black begins to fade slowly. It’s dark but she can see now, the nearly unrecognizable form of her dashboard, and the shattered windshield. All of the windows are gone. The radio is broadcasting static as red and blue lights swirl around her. Ali wracks her brain for what she can remember, how did she get here?

  
_  
Ashlyn. The letter._

_  
  
Then, the blinding white of headlights._

_  
  
A figured had darted in the road. A dog maybe? Ali thinks, the car in the oncoming lane must have swerved to miss it._

_  
  
The screeching of breaks, but it wasn’t enough time. She was going too fast when she swerved to avoid the collision._

_  
  
The road was wet and her tires couldn’t grip. The Land Rover is pulled into the ditch and yet, somehow, now she sits again on the road, but she’s facing the wrong direction._

  
  
Ali hears sobbing. Again it takes her moment to realize the sounds are coming from her own body. It isn’t the pain, although it’s there, or the fear, which is also present, it’s the overwhelming reality of where she is. She tries to assess herself, and what to do next.

  
  
She can move her legs but they’re trapped by the crushed dashboard of the car. She can breathe, but it hurts. She’s sure she’s hit her head as it’s foggy and pounding. She reaches up and touches her face and head and her hand comes away bloody. This is when she realizes she can’t move her right arm. It’s pinned between the seat and the would-be center console, and she can see the blood dripping down it. She’s fairly certain it shouldn’t bend like that either.

  
  
Ali’s mind is racing, her heart rate picks up and she thinks she might pass out, when a woman’s voice pulls her from it.

  
  
“Miss, can you hear me? Can you tell me your name?” A woman about Ali’s age in a navy blue uniform is leaning in through the broken driver’s side window.

  
  
“I’m trapped!” Ali says, panic rising in her voice.

  
  
“We’re here to help you okay? Can you sit very still for me? Try not to move your head and just keep looking forward. Can you do that for me?”

  
  
“Yes.” Ali says, trying to catch her breath. “Please help me.”

  
  
“We will. My name is Heather, and I’m a paramedic. I’m going to help you. Can you tell me your name?”

  
  
“Ali.”

  
  
“Okay, Ali. That’s good, are you able to take a deep breath for me?”

  
  
Ali does, and when Heather sees her breathing is not labored from injury, she encourages her to keep breathing slow, deep breaths as she examines her as best she can, given that the driver’s side door will not open. Heather tries the other doors, but only the back passenger door behind Ali will open.

  
  
“Okay Ali, we’re going to need to use a special tool to open the doors so we can get you out. I’m going to let the firefighters help you now, but my partner here is going to sit behind you and be with you the whole time, okay?”

  
  
“Okay.” Ali pauses a moment before adding, “I need to find my phone! I should call my mom.”

  
  
“We’ll make sure we get ahold of your family, but right now your job is just to sit here as still as you can, okay?”

  
  
“Yes.” Ali says meekly.

  
  
Ali can hear Heather talk to someone briefly. The voice from before rings through.

  
  
“Hi, Ali.” The voice says, as she climbs into the back seat. “I’m going to place my hands on your neck and help hold it still until we get a collar on you, alright?”

  
  
“Okay.” Ali says.

  
  
The woman can feel Ali’s heart racing as she stabilizes her neck.

  
  
“We’re going to get you out of here soon. I promise you.” The woman reassures Ali.

  
  
“I really hate small spaces. And being stuck. And being stuck in small spaces.” Ali’s voice has risen an octave by the time she reaches the end of the sentence.

  
  
“Close your eyes.” The woman says soothingly. “And picture yourself standing in a big open field, with green grass and wild flowers and bright blue skies. Just keep focusing on that, keeping adding to the landscape in your mind.”

  
  
Ali focuses on the picture in her mind, letting her imagination take her somewhere far less dark and scary and small. She can see herself standing in the field, only she’s not alone. She takes in the form beside her, the ripped black jeans and the white V-neck, her blonde hair blowing in the breeze. The ghost of her former best friend turns and smirks at her.

  
  
Around her, Ali can barely hear the firefighters using the spreader to rip the doors off her rover.

  
Ali remembers Ashlyn using the same trick on her whenever she was forced to take an elevator. She’d stand behind her or beside her and hold her hand, whispering beautiful things in her ear. She would describe the places they had been together, state parks and mountain views, until they had arrived safely to their desired floor.

  
  
“That’s a good trick. Do they teach that in paramedic school?” Ali asks, much calmer now.

  
  
“I had a girlfriend in college who was claustrophobic, actually. But that’s a good idea.”

  
  
“Oh.” Ali wants to ask her if she means girlfriend, or girlfriend, but she doesn’t. “Do you know where my phone is? I need to call my mom.”

  
  
“Let’s focus on getting you out of here safely. I promise we’ll get in contact with you family.”

  
  
“Okay.”

  
  
A firefight crawls through the now removed front passenger door and talks Ali through what he needs to do to free her arm. He uses the same tool he’d used on the door, and removes the warped center console, freeing her arm. Ali reflexively pulls it up to her chest as soon as it’s free, crying out in pain with the movements. There’s a lot of commotion around her with different people doing and saying different things. More parts of what was once her car are removed and then Heather is leaning over her, placing a collar around her neck. The woman in the back seat leaves as Heather takes what looks sort of like a long, rolled-up blanket and holds the middle of the roll to the front of her collar, wrapping the sides to the back and pulling them back to the front, then over her shoulders and under her arms, so the tails are now behind her. The other woman must be back as Heather is handed a back board by someone Ali can’t see. Heather slides it carefully under Ali, before straddling the board herself, and then she grabs the tails of the roll she’d wrapped around Ali and very carefully begins to pull her further on the board. Ali’s shifted now so she’s facing the passenger door, but she can’t move any further without assistance freeing her legs. Heather says something to the other woman about “switching” before she climbs off the board. Ali can feel the other woman taking her place, and then Heather is on the other side, working to guide Ali’s legs from the car, as the woman behind her pulls her backwards, while scooting herself up the backboard and onto the stretcher.

  
  
It’s when Ali’s torso is completely out of the car, that the paramedic behind her drops the tails and pulls Ali into her arms as she moves them both backwards. Ali finally gets a look at the woman with the calming voice, as she’s held in her strong arms, looking up into her warm, hazel eyes.

  
  
She’d know those eyes anywhere.

  
  
“Ash?” Ali asks, unconvinced that she’s really seeing her.

  
  
“Hey, Al.” Ashlyn says with a small smile.

  
  
She looks different now, her long blonde hair gone and in its place a short, brunette coif. She’s stronger, and looks far more grown-up than the scared, kid she saw six and a half years ago.

  
  
Ashlyn and Heather get Ali onto the stretcher, remove the backboard, and load her into the ambulance. They assess her injuries fully now, listening to her breathing, and checking over the parts of her they couldn’t get to in the car. Ashlyn notices blood soaking through Ali’s jeans on her left calf and cuts the up the middle of her pant leg so she can tend to the wound.

  
  
“No!” Ali groans.

  
  
Ashlyn looks to her in concern, about to ask her about her pain when Ali continues.

  
  
“These are my favorite jeans!” She whines out. Ashlyn tries to stifle a laugh.

  
  
Heather drives while Ashlyn continues to care for Ali as they make their way to the hospital.

  
  
“Hey, Ash?” Ali asks as Ashlyn prepares to unload her now that they’ve reached the emergency department.

  
  
“Yeah?”

  
  
“Do you know where my phone is?”

  
  
*****

  
“28-year-old female in a motor vehicle collision. She’s alert and talking and has been since we reached her. She hit her head and suffered a scalp lac, and is presumed to have a concussion.” Heather starts.

  
  
The nurses that have met them nod as Heather explains, asking questions here and there.

  
  
“She’s got a suspected closed fracture, right distal radius with a laceration. She’s also got a full thickness laceration on the left calf, and presumed fractured ribs due to guarding and inspiratory pain.” Ashlyn finishes, “And her name is Ali.”

  
  
She waits until Ali is out of sight before losing it. She sits on the curb outside the hospital, her head in her hands, trying to keep her breathing steady.

  
  
“Whoa, Ash. What’s going on?” Heather asks.

  
  
“That was Ali.” Ashlyn says, stunned.

  
  
“Uh…” Heather looks at Ashlyn like she’s lost her mind. “I know.”

  
  
“No, I mean that was _the_ Ali.”

  
  
“ _Your_ Ali?”

  
  
“ _My_ Ali.”

  
  
“Well shit.” Heather plops down beside Ashlyn.

  
_  
Ashlyn and Heather met about a year after Ali left. Ashlyn was rushing to get to class in time for the first day of classes at Prince George’s Community college, and wasn’t looking where she was going. Suddenly an arm reached out and grabbed her, pulling her to the side, right as a woman carrying eight cups of hot coffee, rushes by her._

_  
  
“I think you just saved my life.” Ashlyn said with a sigh of relief._

_  
  
“I guess that’s a pretty good way to start the paramedic program then.” Heather says with a grin._

_  
  
“A great way to start for you, and an absolutely terrible way to start for me.” Ashlyn groans._

_  
  
“Are you headed to Introduction to Paramedicine and Medical Emergencies?!” Heather asks excitedly._

_  
  
Ashlyn laughs at Heather’s use of the full course title. She’d just been referring to it as PMD-1000._

_  
  
“I am.” Ashlyn nods._

_  
  
“We can be buddies!” Heather pats Ashlyn on the shoulder and heads off down the hall. She stops and turns to Ashlyn who hasn’t yet joined her. “Come on!”_

  
  
From that moment on, they had been buddies. They went through the entire two-year associates program together, studied for and passed the licensing exam together, and even been hired together at DC Fire & EMS Services together. Heather was the perfect influence in Ashlyn’s life at the time, a gentle hand guiding her towards her goals with support and encouragement. When Ashlyn decided a couple of years ago to re-apply to George Washington University and get her BSHS in Emergency Medical Service Management, Heather was there screaming Ashlyn’s name and crying as she walked across the stage at graduation.

  
  
Heather understood that it had been a journey for Ash. When they met, Ashlyn was withdrawn and quiet, fighting her battles alone and refusing to let people in. But Heather never pushed, she just accepted Ashlyn as she was, and listened whenever she needed to talk. Soon, Ashlyn realized she could confide in Heather, and one night she told he everything. She told her about her relationship with her parents, about failing out of school and about Ali. She told her about that night and the letter Ali left her. She told her the night that changed everything.

  
  
_Ash,_

_  
When I asked you what you dreamed of, I wasn’t expecting you to say me. I wanted to stay in that moment with you forever. I don’t regret kissing you and I want you to know that. But when you said me, I realized that I need to let you go because I’m standing in the way of the dreams you could have. That you should have. I know this is going to hurt you and honestly that breaks my heart but I can’t hold you back any longer._

_  
I can’t be the one that keeps running to your rescue. I can’t be the person who rocks you to sleep after the nightmares. You have to figure out where they come from and how to stop them on your own._

_  
I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I’m sorry for what I’m doing._

_  
Please go find your dreams. I will always believe in you._

_  
I love you._

_  
Ali  
_

_  
Ashlyn read the letter a hundred times before carefully folding it up and putting it in her desk drawer. She couldn’t decide how she felt, really. A strange overwhelming mixture or hurt and anger and, somehow, understanding. Ashlyn felt like she had been holding her breath the last three years, just waiting for Ali to see what she really was and move on. Of course it was the night she finally got what she wanted, to hold Ali in her arms, to kiss her, that her fear had finally come to fruition._

_  
  
Ashlyn handled it the same way she handled everything. She handled it with booze._

_  
  
Tobin and Kelley had sat outside her door for hours, begging her to open it, but Ashlyn never caved. Kelley started to get frustrated._

_  
  
“Ashlyn Harris you’re being a fucking idiot right now! I know your pissed that Ali didn’t tell you she’s going to Germany but if you care about her, which I know you do, you’ll support her! This is her dream, Ash! You have to let her chase it!”_

_  
  
That was how Ashlyn found out Ali was leaving._

_  
  
Kelley was close to both Ashlyn and Ali and they both told her things. Kelley knew that Ali had been keeping the secret of Germany from Ashlyn, so when Ashlyn had finally muttered through the door “Ali is gone. She’s done with me,” Kelley had just assumed this was the result of Ali’s truth._

_  
  
After a week of locking herself away, and not showing up at the part time job she worked with Tobin at a local coffee shop, Tobin came to sit outside her door yet again._

_  
  
“Ash?” She asks gently, knocking lightly._

_  
  
Silence._

_  
  
“I tried to cover for you with Paul but, um, I don’t think he’s going to let you come back.” _

_  
  
More silence._

_  
  
“Ashlyn, please let me in? We don’t have to talk. I’ll just sit with you.” Ashlyn can hear that she’s choked up._

_  
  
Ashlyn still remains silent. Several hours later, when she sneaks out of her room to hit the liquor store before midnight, she finds Tobin sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Her head is resting on her knees, and she’s fast asleep. Ashlyn changes her mind and goes back into her room._

_  
  
The truth was, Ashlyn wasn’t drunk the whole two weeks she had locked herself away. She’d gotten smashed the first night, re-reading the letter and drinking straight from the bottle until she couldn’t feel anything anymore. The rest of the time she laid in bed, waiting for the numbness of depression to fully consume her. The night she finally left her room, she just wanted to party._

_  
  
Kelley and Tobin knew that they shouldn’t encourage her, but they were so afraid she’d run away again, that they went out with her anyway. They tried to get her to pace herself as best they could, but one in the morning found a very intoxicated Ashlyn Harris standing on the roof of the house she rented with Tobin and Kelley._

_  
  
“I’m serious, Ash! Get down! This has gotta be against our lease!” Kelley yelled at her._

_  
  
“Come on, buddy. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Tobin said a little less aggressively than Kelley._

_  
  
“You guys should come up here, then!”_

_  
  
“How does that make sense?” Kelley asks, dryly._

_  
  
“You can catch me if I fall or something.” Ashlyn shrugs._

_  
  
“And let you drag me down with you? Fuck that, Ash.”_

_  
  
“Maybe we should call the cops?” Tobin asked Kelley, quietly._

_  
  
Suddenly there’s a loud thump and Ashlyn goes sliding down the side of the roof, limbs everywhere as she comes crashing to the ground below.”_

_  
  
Kelley and Tobin both gasp in horror as Ashlyn lands beside them, face down. She isn’t moving. Kelley kneels beside her as Tobin dials 911._

_  
  
Ashlyn comes to before the paramedics arrive, and although she’s not supposed to, she tries to get up. She fails miserably and is crumpled in a ball in a matter of seconds. A paramedic who introduces himself as Ryan, laughs at her._

_  
  
“What were you doing up on that roof?” He asks, assessing her injuries._

_  
  
“Stargazing.”_

_  
  
“Are you lying? You don’t want to lie to me or I can’t properly help you.”_

_  
  
“It was the original plan. I got sidetracked.”_

_  
  
“How much have you had to drink?”_

_  
  
“Probably about as much as you think I’ve had.”_

_  
  
Ashlyn was lucky, somehow, she ended up with only a pretty nasty concussion, a fat lip, a black eye, and a sprained ankle. They had kept her overnight to monitor her head injury and when she woke up in the morning, she found Ryan sitting beside her bed._

_  
  
“Good morning, Officer.” Ashlyn says with a bit of snark._

_  
  
“I’m a paramedic, not a police officer.” Ryan replies._

_  
  
“Whatever.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes._

_  
  
“You’ve got a bad fucking attitude, you know that?”_

_  
  
“Aw, how sweet of you to notice!” She mocks._

_  
  
“You don’t know how lucky you are, Ashlyn. If you had broken your neck, which let me tell you, this was a perfect way to do so, you could be paralyzed, or better yet you could be on a slab in the morgue right now.”_

_  
  
Ashlyn stares down at her lap._

_  
  
“You’re a 21-year-old kid with your entire life ahead of you. What the hell are you doing risking that?!”_

_  
  
Ashlyn starts cry quietly. The longer Ryan stares at her, the faster the tears come. Soon she’s shaking with silent sobs._

_  
  
“Oh, so she does care after all?” Ryan says._

_  
  
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Ashlyn chokes out._

_  
  
“I know.” Ryan says, standing and placing a hand on her shoulder. His tone is gentler now. “That’s why I’m here. I didn’t come to yell at you, I came because I want to offer you something.”_

_  
Ashlyn wipes at her eyes and looks to Ryan to let him know she’s listening._

_  
  
“You, unfortunately, remind me a lot of myself. I can see the love of self-destructive tendencies in your eyes.” He laughs lightly. “When I was your age, I didn’t have any sense of purpose. I also needed a swift kick in the ass.”_

_  
  
“So you’re here to kick my ass?” Ashlyn asks._

_  
  
“Something like that.” Ryan says handing her a pamphlet for the Paramedic Applied Sciences Associate Degree Program at Prince George’s Community College. “I teach a class here as part of this program. I’m offering you the opportunity to come and sit in on my class, no fees or anything, just come and listen.”_

_  
  
“Why?”_

_  
  
“Because of what you said to me last night in the ambulance.”_

_  
  
Ashlyn looks confused, to be honest, she doesn’t remember a lot of last night._

_  
  
“You said you just want to put something good into the world but you don’t know how. Maybe this is your how.”_

_  
  
Ashlyn nods and tells him she’ll think about it. Ryan is almost out the door when he stops and turns back._

_  
  
“If this is something you want, you need to make some changes. You can’t be an alcoholic.”_

_  
  
“I’m not.” Ashlyn bites back._

_  
  
“Then prove it.”_

  
  
Ashlyn stopped drinking that day. Alcohol had been a band-aid for her feelings, a distraction from the parts of her life she didn’t want to face head on. She didn’t drink every day, and she hadn’t developed some kind of outrageous tolerance, but she liked to party on the weekends. She’d go hard and spend the week recovering to do it again. Addiction ran deep in her family and being accused of being just like the people who had hurt her and let her down, was enough to scare her. Ashlyn proved she wasn’t as far gone as everyone had feared when not drinking was easy for her. No one had to hide their booze or dump it down the drain. She didn’t suffer withdrawal or feel like she needed a drink to “take the edge off.” They all learned she could be just as fun without alcohol, but that she could also be just as sad. Kelley and Tobin encouraged her to start seeing a therapist.

  
  
So Ashlyn moved in with her grandmother back in her hometown of Satellite Beach, Florida and started seeing a therapist. She worked on herself, came up with a plan, and read the letter Ali wrote her every day, only now, with new meaning.

  
  
A year later, she took a front row seat next to her new buddy Heather O’Reilly in PMD-1000: Introduction to Paramedicine and Medical Emergencies.

  
_  
“Good to see you again, Harris.” Ryan says, handing her a syllabus._

>   
>    
>  *****

  
“Do you need anything, honey?” Debbie asks her daughter.

  
  
“I’m okay, mom. I promise. Just go get Kyle.” Ali tries to reassure her worried mother.

  
  
“I just hate leaving you here alone.”

  
  
“Kelley will probably be here before you guys get back. Please don’t worry.”

  
  
Deb kisses the top of Ali’s head before grabbing her purse and exiting.

  
  
Ali picks up a copy of Glamour Magazine and starts flipping through the pages as best she can seeing as her right arm is wrapped heavily in gauze and ace bandage. She’s mindlessly reading about 10 must-try fall trends when she’s interrupted by a light knock. She looks up to find Ashlyn standing hesitantly in her doorway.

  
  
“Hey.” Ashlyn says, uncertain. “Is it okay if I come in?”

  
  
“Yeah, sure.” Ali says trying not to sound as awkward as she feels.

  
  
Ashlyn sits in the chair by Ali’s bed.

  
  
“How are you feeling today?”

  
  
“Kind of like I rolled my car in a ditch.” Ali jokes.

  
  
Ashlyn lets out a small laugh.

  
  
“I’m feeling a lot better. Pain medication works wonders.”

  
  
“Yeah, I’ve heard that rumor.” Ashlyn plays back.

  
  
Silence falls between the pair and neither one knows what to do or where to look.

  
  
“I’m sorry this is so awkward.” Ashlyn sighs. “I just felt like I had to come and see you again. Make sure you’re alright.”

  
  
“I’m alright.” Ali says quietly. There’s another pause. “Can I ask you something?”

  
  
Ashlyn nods.

  
  
“Why did you call me your college girlfriend? When I asked about the visualization thing.”

  
  
“Come on, Ali.” Ashlyn says staring at the ceiling. Ali can see her physically tensing up.

  
  
“Why did you say it?” Ali asks again.

  
  
“You know why.”

  
  
“No, tell me.” Ali insists.

  
  
“Because saying ‘the girl I was in love with’ makes me sound pathetic.” Ashlyn snaps.

  
  
“You could have said ‘friend.’” Ali sasses.

  
  
“We weren’t friends, Ali. We were never friends.”

  
  
Ali’s eyes fill with tears at Ashlyn’s words. “How can you say that?”

  
  
“Because no one has ever meant as much to me as you did.”

  
  
Ashlyn stands and walks out of the room without giving Ali a chance to respond.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what did you think? Thoughts? Feelings? Favorite parts? How about Ash being a paramedic?


	3. The Gospel According to Kelley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last one I've got written so far, but I have outlines already in place for more! I'm going to switch my focus back to Certainty for a minute so it will be just a little bit before I get the next chapter of this one up. But I promise it's coming! Thank you for reading and commenting!

Kelley O’Hara is wandering the halls of the hospital looking for room 518 when she sees Ashlyn practically running out of the place.

 

“Harris!” Kelley calls to her.

 

“Not now, Kelley!” Ashlyn says, anger and hurt dripping from her voice. She passes Kelley without so much as a look and rushes into the stairwell.

 

Kelley contemplates chasing after her, but ultimately decides Ali is the priority. Besides, she’ll probably be able to fill her in on at least part of this story.  She walks into room 518 and finds Ali sitting in bed, her face in her hands.

 

“Oh man. What happened? What did she say to you? How did she even know you were here?” Kelley sits beside Ali, and pulls her hands from her face.

 

Ali takes a deep breath to compose herself, as Kelley wipes away her tears.

 

“She was there yesterday. At the crash. I guess she’s a—“

 

“A paramedic, yeah. God, I guess I should have known she could have been there. But you were outside of DC, but I guess if they were already out there for some reason.” Kelley wonders to herself.

 

“You keep in touch?” Ali asks. She’s more than a little surprised. Kelley hasn’t really mentioned Ashlyn in years.

 

Now it’s Kelley’s turn to take a deep breathe.

 

“Yeah. A lot, actually.”

 

“Like you’re still best friends?”

 

Kelley nods.

 

Ali’s eyes go wide. “But you never mention her or even bring up anything with her from the past. I guess I just assumed you two drifted apart.”

 

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like I’ve been keeping secrets from you. It’s just…” Kelley struggles to find the right words. “It’s just…you went to such a dark place. You both did. After I came to visit you in Germany I thought it might make things worse so I just stopped bringing her up. I just wanted to protect you two.”

 

_Six months after Ali left for Germany, she broke up with Nathan._

 

_“My dad thinks he has a lead for me on a job in New York after graduation.” Nate says excitedly._

 

_“That’s great, Nathan.” Ali means it, but this news only solidifies what she already knows. Their relationship has no future._

 

_“I’ve asked him to look into something for you as well. He said he can always get you a job as an executive assistant with his company.”_

 

_“Wait, hold on.” Ali says, shocked and a little annoyed. “You’re assuming I’m going to New York with you? And like hell I’m going to work my ass off for this degree to go be a secretary!”_

 

_“Ali.” Nathan says sternly. “My career is in New York. Our life is going to be in New York.”_

 

_“If it’s ‘our life’ then you should be including me in the decision-making, not just telling me what you think I should do. New York is going to do nothing for_ my _career, Nate.”_

 

_He scoffs. “Oh come on, Ali. You’ll only work there a couple of years. Then you can just enjoy the city!”_

 

_“What does that mean?”_

 

_“You won’t be working when you’re pregnant.” He says it more like a command than a statement._

 

_“What?!” Ali can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous Nathan’s ideas of their future are._

 

_“You can’t work and be a mother, Ali!” Nathan scolds. “It’s selfish!”_

 

_“What about ‘focusing on me’ and ‘working hard to get what I want’ and all that other stuff you said? All the things about Ashlyn standing in my way?”_

 

_“I had to say whatever necessary to get you to walk away from her. She’s not the kind of person we need to be associated with. And I was right wasn’t I? Look at where you are right now!”_

 

_“Yeah, standing in my living room, breaking up with my asshole boyfriend.” Ali deadpans._

 

_“Be serious, Ali.”_

 

_“I am. I can’t believe I wasted two years on your sorry ass.”_

 

_“You can’t just break up with me!” Nate protests._

 

_“Watch me.” Ali says, walking to the front door and holding it open._

 

_The email Ali sent to Kelley after, had her booking a ticket to Berlin a week later. When she arrives, Ali is thinner and paler than when she left. She has dark circles under her eyes and even her hair shines less. Kelley tries to get her to talk but she mostly takes her around, showing her the sights with empty eyes and an occasional forced smile._

 

_Late one night, Kelley wakes up to muffled sounds coming from the direction of Ali’s room. She notices the light is on so she creeps down the hall and as she gets closer to the door, she hears sniffling. She knocks lightly on the door._

 

_“Hey, Al?” She says softly. “Can I come in?”_

 

_Ali mumbles something that Kelley can’t qu_ _ite make out, but she hopes it’s a yes as she tentatively peeks her head through the door._

 

_“I’m sorry I woke you up.” Ali says, embarrassed._

 

_“Have you been to sleep at all?” Kelley asks._

 

_“No.” Ali shakes her head._

 

_Kelley climbs into bed with Ali and snuggles in next to her. Ali finally lays down and curls herself into Kelley. They lay there together, in silence, for a long while. Kelley can feel Ali’s tears soaking through the shoulder of her shirt._

 

_“Hey, I know this is hard. It’s okay if you don’t want to hold it all together right now. I’ve got you, pal.”_

 

_“It just hurts so much.” Ali whispers._

 

_Kelley was surprised that Ali was taking her break-up with Nate so hard. Ali had seemed on the fence for months, but just because you know something isn’t right, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to let go. Or so she thought._

 

_“I miss her so much it physically hurts.”_

 

 “So, you don’t tell Ash about me either? Ali asks.

 

”I didn’t even tell her when you moved back. She’s probably totally freaked out too.”

 

“Well maybe she was until I pissed her off.”

 

“Wait, _you_ pissed _her_ off? That’s not how I saw this going.”

 

“She came to check on me, and I sort of brought up the fact that she used to be in love with me. I think it embarrassed her.”

 

“Yeah, _used_ to. Sure.” Kelley mutters under her breath.

 

“What?” Ali couldn’t hear her.

 

“I said, yeah, sounds like her.” Kelley covers.

 

“I don’t know why I pressed her. I don’t even know why I asked. I just saw her and suddenly I was 21 again and trying to make sense of something I didn’t understand.”

 

“What did you ask exactly?”

 

“Yesterday, when I was trapped, I started freaking out and she was in the backseat so she couldn’t see my face and I couldn’t see hers and she used this visualization technique to help calm me down. I asked her where she learned it and she said her college girlfriend was claustrophobic, but later I realized she had meant me. When she came to see me, I asked her why she called me her girlfriend.”

 

“Why did it matter if she did? Because it bothered you?”

 

“Because I wasn’t her girlfriend. She could have said friend. She didn’t have to re-write our history like that.”

 

Kelley thinks for a minute.

 

“So she helped you get out of that car, but she didn’t know it was you?”

 

“No! Not until she was literally holding me in her arms. It was so bizarre!” Ali pauses a moment. “At least, I think she didn’t know it was me. Oh my God, what if she did?! I mean, she could see into the car better than I could out of it. That would be just like her! She said it on purpose because she knew it would get to me! And then she got embarrassed because I called her on it!”

 

“Don’t you think you’re extrapolating a little bit?” Kelley asks skeptically.

 

“Admit it, Kelley, it’s something she would do.”

 

“Maybe at one point, but she’s not the same Ashlyn she used to be. She really got her shit together. She worked really hard to make it through school and get a job she loves and she’s not nearly as reckless and antagonistic as she used to be.” Kelley explains.

 

Kelley doesn’t it know it but this has only worked Ali up further. She’s angry now. Ali had gone off to Germany and fallen apart. It took her years to put herself back together. Ashlyn was supposed to be the messy one, and here, as soon as Ali had left, she had managed to put her life together. Ali felt like Ashlyn had never needed her at all.

 

“I’m tired, Kel.”

 

“Yeah, okay. I’ve got a few errands to run but then I’m headed to your place. I’ll see you when Momma Deb gets you home, roomie!” Kelley says with a grin, trying to move past the tension.

 

“Are you sure you want to stay? I mean I’m sure I’ll have a hard time getting my mom to actually go home, and Kyle will be here through the weekend.”

 

“Yes, but I’m the one who is going to be taking care of you the next few weeks, so we need to find our rhythm. Besides, do you really trust Kyle?”

 

“With most things, yes.” Kelley shoots her a look. “But maybe not this.”

 

“I’ll see you at home.” And with that Kelley kisses Ali’s forehead and heads off to find a certain short-haired brunette.

 

*****

 

Kelley O’Hara has always been the link between Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris. It was Kelley who was randomly assigned Ashlyn as a roommate freshman year and it took only a week before they were thick as thieves. And it was Kelley who sat behind Ali in one of their required history courses, where the professor got a little too excited when talking about cattle, and loved to mention that she wrote a whole book on the historical use of barbed wire. Kelley made catty comments under her breath, and Ali enjoyed them. When their professor asked them to pair off to correct assignments or do an activity, Ali turned around and snatched up Kelley as quick as she could.

 

It was Kelley O’Hara who insisted Ali Krieger join her and her roommate Ashlyn Harris for “a little get together off campus.”

 

And it was Kelley O’Hara who saw the way their faces lit up, the moment they laid eyes on each other.

 

Kelley had a nickname or two within their group which had soon expanded to include the docile and charming Tobin Heath. “Saint Kelley” or “Sister Kelley” was the friend who would invite you out on Friday night and go so hard you were sure she’d looked death right in the face, and then she’d show up on Saturday, while you were still nursing your hangover, ready to go again. Kelley made the sign of the cross before her first shot of the night, and could often be heard saying _“He turned water into wine, so don’t tell me my brother didn’t like to party.”_

 

To outsiders, Kelley looked rather blasphemous, but make no mistake her love for God was real. Kelley could drink you under the table, but she’d walk-of-shame herself straight to Mass on Sunday morning. They liked to play a little game at parties, whenever someone caught Kelley saying, _“It’s a church thing, but I promise it’s not lame!”_ or inviting someone to join her service project group, everyone would shout _“The Gospel According to Kelley!”_ And then proceed to take a shot.

 

Kelley’s love of helping and guiding others led her to a career at a local community college where she counseled struggling students and helped them set goals and enroll in classes. She also worked on a board for program development which helped address needs within the different programs offered and was often in charge of hiring new teachers. Kelley had also been an important part of getting Ashlyn back on her feet after Ali left. When Ashlyn had moved back to Satellite Beach, Kelley called her every day to check in and make sure she was on track.

 

Kelley was holding her phone to her ear and listening to it ring when she spotted Ashlyn sitting in the front seat of her Jeep in the hospital parking lot. She hung up her phone, having found her intended target, and let herself in the passenger side.

 

“Just the girl I was looking for!” Kelley says chipperly.

 

Ashlyn groaned.

 

“So, Ali’s back.” Kelley says casually.

 

“I really want to believe that you had no idea, but the look on your face tells me otherwise.”

 

“Ash, I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you.” Kelley’s tone becomes more serious as she shifts in her seat to face Ashlyn. “I feel responsible for you being blindsided by this.”

 

“A warning would have been nice.” Ashlyn glares at her friend. “But,” her face softens, “I know you probably had your reasons for not telling me.”

 

“I did. But I’m taking them all back right now. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

 

“Was she crying when you saw her?”

 

“Oh, Ash.” Kelley says with an apologetic look.

 

“Fuck.” Ashlyn mutters. “I finally see her again for the first time in, what? 6 years? And I make her cry!”

 

“It’s a very complex situation. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.”

 

“I don’t know what I was thinking.” Ashlyn is agitated now.

 

“That you cared about her.”

 

“Right.” Ashlyn says, “ _Cared_. Past tense. I worked my ass off to get over Ali Krieger and I don’t need her waltzing back into my life with those brown eyes and that giant smile and fucking up my life again.”

 

“Ashlyn.” Kelley says with a warning tone.

 

“Kelley.” Ashlyn mimics her.

 

“It’s been a long time, Ash. She’s also worked really hard to be someone she’s proud of, just like you.”

 

“I’m sure it was so hard for her, galivanting around Europe for the last 6 years!”

 

“Five.” Kelley corrects.

 

“She’s been back a year?” Ashlyn is shocked they’ve gone so long without seeing each other.

 

“More than.”

 

“Whatever.” Ashlyn dismisses. “I don’t care about how long she’s been back. I don’t care about her.”

 

Kelley laughs at her statement.

 

“Fine.” Ashlyn relents.  “I’m glad she’s alright. And I hope she’s doing well, but I don’t need her back in my life.”

 

Kelley just sighs and pats a disgruntled Ashlyn on the leg.

 

“I really am sorry about all of this Ash, but I think maybe you need to think about it a little more. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.”

 

*****

 

That evening, Debbie is in Ali’s kitchen, making dinner, while Kyle lays beside Ali in her bed. Ali had spent the better part of an hour napping, but had woken up when Kyle had come in with her next round of medication.  He, of course, had made himself comfortable beside her, and immediately brought up the Ashlyn thing.

 

“I really don’t feel like talking about it, Kyle.” Ali says annoyed.

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

“I’ve kind of been through a lot in the last 48 hours, Ky. Think you could cut your sister a break?”

 

“Fine. But this isn’t over.” He narrows his eyes at her.

 

“Hello! Your baby sister almost _died_ yesterday! You’re supposed to be showering me with love and affection.”

 

Kyle’s face gets very serious. “Alex, you really could have died yesterday. I was so scared when Mom called me, I don’t know what I would do without you. I can’t—I don’t—“ but he can’t finish his sentence.

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Ali says taking his hand. “I’m okay.”

 

Kyle meets her eyes and nods.

 

“I’m really glad you’re here.” Ali says sincerely.

 

“Me too.” He smiles at his little sister. “Although, you’re just glad because you get to boss me around all weekend and I don’t get to complain about it!”

 

“Ha!” Ali throws her head back. “Like you won’t complain about it!”

 

“Well…not as much!”

 

Suddenly there’s a quiet knock at the door.

 

“Come in!” Ali and Kyle say in unison.

 

Christen Press’ eyes immediately fill with tears as she takes in the sight of her friend before her.

 

“Oh, Ali!” She says rushing to her.

 

“Hey, Chris!” Ali says with a smile. “Don’t cry or you’ll make me cry!”

 

“I’m sorry,” she says wiping at her eyes, “I’m so glad you’re okay!”

 

“Me too.” Ali says. “here, sit.” She pats the bed beside her.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“You won’t. Please?” She pats the bed again and Christen reluctantly joins her.

 

“I’m going to give you gals a minute.” Kyle excuses himself.

 

Christen Press and Ali Krieger met through the business program at George Washington University. Christen always walked in dressed in the kind of clothing only models and celebrities can pull off, her long black curls always perfectly tousled and effortlessly chic.  It made perfect sense that Christen spent her summers interning for designers in New York, except for the one summer she spent in LA. Christen had combined her experience with the right people and her head for business and made a name for herself in the DC area as a personal stylist. She wasn’t dressing Hollywood celebrities, but she worked with plenty of high profile people. She also had a love for vintage fashion, and worked with Ali as the clothing curator for her store. Every item of clothing Ali sold in her store, was hand selected by Christen Press.

 

“How was New York?” Ali asked.

 

“Busy, as usual, but I found some killer pieces for you!” Christen’s eyes light up in excitement.

 

“You’re an angel.” Ali grins at her. “My store would be nothing without you.”

 

“Well, that might be true,” Christen teases, “but I mean I have things for _you_ , not the store.”

 

“Have I mentioned you’re an angel?”

 

“I could stand to hear it again.”

 

“You’re an angel.

 

“Oh stop!” Christen plays back.

 

“Thank you so much for helping out at the store, Chris. I know you have your own job and that you had to cut your trip short. You really don’t know what it means to me.”

 

“Are you kidding? Ali, this is what friends are for. And I love working the store! My clients can easily come to me at your shop, which is good for both of us really.”

 

“Well, I still really appreciate it. I don’t know what I would do without you and Kelley.”

 

“I knew my ears were burning!” Kelley says as she enters the room and sits on the other side of Ali. “How’s the patient?”

 

“Exhausted, actually. I’ve done nothing but lay in a bed all day, and yet I feel like I—“

 

“like you were hit by a car?” Kelley cuts her off.

 

Ali rolls her eyes at Kelley’s joke.

 

“Kelley!” Christen says, horrified.

 

“What?” Kelley looks between them with feigned innocence. “Too soon?”

 

“Yes!” Christen scolds.

 

“But I’d expect nothing less from you.” Ali adds.

 

“If you’re tired, Ali, Kelley and I can go help your mom with dinner and let you rest.”

 

“Yeah, you need to get all the rest you can so you can be healed up by the start of next semester.” Kelley says.

 

“Um, why?” Ali asks suspiciously.

 

“Becaaaaause,” Kelley draws out, “I need a German language teacher and honestly can’t think of anyone better for the job than you.”

 

“I am literally the only person you know who speaks German.”

 

“Right.” Kelley says matter-of-factly. “Which is why I can’t think of anyone better than you.”

 

“I’ll think about it.” Ali says. “Now get out of my room!”

 

Kelley follows Christen out of the room, feeling rather pleased with herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> How do we feel about Ashlyn and Ali's reactions? What do we think about Kelley's motives?


	4. The Secrets They Bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of Warnings: This chapter gets kind of heavy and will touch on addiction and self-harm. If those topics are triggering or harmful for you in any way, it may be best to skip this one. There are no graphic depictions, but it is discussed. So please do what's right for you!
> 
> There is still a lot to learn about Ali and Ashlyn and their history, and there will be some more dark moments, but things will eventually lighten up. I hope you continue you to enjoy this one!

Kelley always sleeps in Ali’s bed, even when Kyle isn’t occupying the guest room. It started that night in Germany, and from that moment on, if Kelley ever slept over, it was in Ali’s bed. This made sense for the most part because Ali didn’t have a guest room in Germany when Kelley would come to visit. But after she moves home, it led to a hilarious-but-awkward moment when, after a rather exciting birthday party, the woman Ali was dating at the time had crawled into bed with Ali, only to wrap her arms around Kelley. The woman was thrown only for a moment, but then merely switched sides of the bed and went to sleep without complaint about Kelley’s guest appearance.

 

Like all of her relationships since Nate, Ali ended things before they got serious, using her classic _“you deserve someone who can focus on you, and right now, I have to put that focus on my career”_ line.

 

While Ali prefers to be independent and take care of herself, she’s incredibly grateful to have Kelley so nearby in the nights following the accident. Her family’s insistence that she stay hydrated led to not one, but two late night trips to the bathroom. With only one good arm and searing chest pain whenever she moved in the slightest, getting out of bed was nearly impossible without Kelley. And her rather serious course of antibiotics required a middle of the night dose for the first few days. Ali had insisted she would be fine just leaving the pill and a glass of water on her night stand and setting an alarm, but all three nights she was gently awakened by Kelley, who would carefully help prop her up just enough to swallow, without having to disrupt her entirely.

 

On Sunday morning, Ali wakes up to an empty bed and silent house. Ali knows exactly where Kelley is, but isn’t sure why she doesn’t hear Kyle milling around.

 

“Kyle!!” Ali calls, hoping he’s just in the next room.

 

No answer.

 

She grabs her phone and shoots him a quick text to ask if he’s able to come help her. After lying there a few more minutes with no response, Ali decides she’ll try and get herself out of bed on her own. With many grunts, winces, and even a few yelps of pain, Ali manages to her legs rotated off of the bed, but her ribcage screaming in protest refuses to allow her to sit up. Ali gives up and grabs a pillow, holding it over her faces as she screams her frustration into it.

 

“Alexandra!” Kyle scolds. “What do you think you’re doing!?”

 

Ali removes the pillow from her face. “I was _trying_ to get up.”

 

“You know you shouldn’t be doing that on your own!”

 

“Well maybe if _ONE_ of the two people who are supposed to be helping me, were actually here to _HELP ME_ , I wouldn’t be in this mess!” She glares at her older brother.

 

“I was out getting you coffee!” Kyle defends as he carefully helps move his sister into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.

 

“I might consider forgiving you for coffee.”

 

“How does a muffin work in my favor?”

 

“Depends. What kind?”

 

“Blueberry or chocolate chip. Your choice, of course.”

 

“Half of each and you’ve got a deal.”

 

Kyle grins at Ali and heads back towards the kitchen. He brings a tray back carrying three to-go cups of coffee, a plate with four muffin halves, and a small glass of water next to a dixie cup with a couple of pills in it.

 

“Breakfast in bed for her royal highness.” Kyle says setting the tray on the bed with a bow.

 

Ali giggles and grabs half a muffin, shoving a large bite into her mouth. Kyle hands her her coffee and she sighs happily as she takes a long drink.

 

“This part of recovery isn’t so terrible.” Ali says.

 

Ali and Kyle sit together, enjoying their coffee and muffins in content silence for a while. Ali takes the dixie cup and removes only one pill and throws it back with a sip of water before placing the cup and water glass on her nightstand.

 

“Aren’t you going to take the other one?” Kyle asks.

 

“I don’t really need it right now.” Ali says casually.

 

“Ali.” He looks at her skeptically.

 

“What?” Ali says, pretending like she doesn’t know what Kyle is getting at.

 

“You can take your pain meds with me here, you know that right? I’m cool with it. And I’m pretty sure Kelley counts them twice a day.”

 

“I know, Ky. It doesn’t have anything to do with not trusting you or anything like that. I just…I don’t want to take them unless I feel like I really can’t handle the pain.”

 

Kyle nods in understanding. Ali doesn’t like to depend on things, always wanting to feel in control and prove that she can do things on her own. She had become a bit afraid of things like drinking and drugs, after watching addiction tear apart the lives of people she loved. She’d tough out injuries and pain if it required more than a couple ibuprofen, and she wouldn’t touch alcohol if she was feeling anything other than happy or content. Kyle had started struggling when he was still in high school. At first, Ali had seen him as her fun and wild big brother, but eventually he started to become withdrawn and by the time he was in college, he had nearly disappeared. Ali had desperately wanted to help her brother, but nothing she tried seemed to work.

 

_“You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.”_ Ashlyn had told her.

 

Ashlyn, despite having her own demons, was a pillar of strength for Ali. Ashlyn would set aside her hurt and darkness whenever Ali needed her. She’d let her talk and vent when she was sad or scared or angry. She gave the kind of sad wisdom that only someone who has been through the same thing can give you. Both of Ashlyn’s parents were addicts and she had spent her childhood loving them fiercely despite their flaws. She understood just how much Ali wished you could change things for her brother.

 

Late spring of her sophomore year at GW, Kyle finally decided he wanted to get help. He spent 90 days in an inpatient rehabilitation program, followed by 90 days in an outpatient program. He moved in with Debbie, but would spend several hours a day in individual and group therapy, as well as taking classes. It was one of these classes that opened Kyle’s eyes to his love of photography and led him to where he is today. Currently, he’s living between LA and New York, doing jobs for various magazines and websites, even working on a few movie sets, and filling the gaps with the steady work that is headshots. Ali was really proud of her brother, and although they had always been close, this had only brought them closer.

 

Unfortunately for Ashlyn, by the same time Kyle was starting his recovery, Ashlyn had cut off nearly all communication with her parents.

 

Ali takes another long sip of her coffee.

 

“Hey, Ky?” She asks.

 

“Hm?” Kyle replies, scrolling through his very popular Instagram page.

 

“Do you remember that summer after my freshman year that Ashlyn stayed with us at the beach house?”

 

“Not as well as I wish I did, but vaguely, yes. Why?”

 

Ali bites her lip. She’s not sure why she’s bringing it up, really.

 

_“I’m going to stick around here and try and find a job. I’ve applied for a couple of things but haven’t heard back on anything yet. I hear Blockbuster always hires in the summer.” Ashlyn says as she flops down on Ali’s bed._

 

_“You don’t want to go home and actually enjoy your summer? See your friends or something? I mean you’ve been talking about how much you miss the beach since basically the moment I met you!”_

 

_Ashlyn looks nervous. “Uh, yeah. I do miss it, a lot. But going home isn’t such a great idea right now. Things are…it’s just not a good time.”_

 

_“Oh.” They’re quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.”_

 

_“Hey, it’s okay. Shit happens, right?”_

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“What kind of shit?” Ali can’t help by ask._

 

_Ashlyn sighs. “My dad lost his job recently. Chris says he’s been drinking a lot because of it. He’s not a bad person, it’s just that my dad has trouble controlling his temper when he’s drinking. Sometimes he roughs us up a little bit. Chris called a couple of weeks ago and said he just thought it would be easier for all of us if I stayed here.” She explains._

 

_Ali thinks for a minute. Ashlyn had mentioned that her parents had struggles and that she had spent a lot of time at her grandmother’s because of it. She hates that Ashlyn’s hesitance to return home is because it isn’t safe._

 

_“What about staying with your grandma?”_

 

_“I might try and go spend a few days with her, but I don’t want to burden her for a whole summer. My cousins will be in and out of there already and I don’t need to add to that.”_

 

_“Come home with me.” Ali suggests without really thinking._

 

_“What?”_

 

_The idea grows in her mind and Ali’s excitement builds._

 

_“Yes! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier! Come home with me!”_

 

_“For, like, a visit?” Ashlyn tries to clarify._

 

_“For, like, the whole thing, Ash! My parents won’t care. Home base will be at my mom’s, but my dad always take me and Kyle to the beach house the first two weeks in July. It won’t be Florida but at least it’s a beach, right?!”_

 

_“Don’t you want to talk this over with your parents first?”_

 

_“I’ll call them right now if you want, but I promise they’ll be fine with it. Please say you’ll come?”_

 

_“I don’t know. That’s a lot to ask of your parents and I don’t really know how much I can contribute.”_

 

_“You’ll contribute the same way I do. By doing chores and putting up with my dad’s awful jokes.”_

 

_Now it’s Ashlyn’s turn to think a minute._

 

_“It does sound a lot better than staying here alone.” Ashlyn relents._

 

_“So you’ll come?!”_

 

_“Yes. IF you call your parents and make sure it’s really okay.”_

 

_Ali doesn’t even respond as she’s already dialing her mom._

 

_***_

 

_Ali and Ashlyn have thoroughly enjoyed their summer together so far. Ali has loved having Ashlyn around, taking her around to all of her favorite places to hang out, and introducing her to all her friends. They go to family barbeques, babysit for the neighbor kids, and still manage to get into a little trouble here and there too. Ashlyn loves having a home like the one she had only imagined as a kid, complete with family dinners every night and a mom who calls her pet names. The first week she’s there, she asks Debbie what nights she’ll be responsible for cooking dinner and Deb thinks she’s joking. After two weeks, she asks if it would be an alright time for her to use the laundry room, and Deb tells her she’s already done it._

 

_“Hey, honey? Can you come in here a minute?” Deb calls to Ali from the kitchen._

 

_“What’s up, Mom?” Ali asks._

 

_“Here.” Deb hands her a handful of twenty-dollar bills. “I need you to discretely get these back to Ashlyn. I didn’t want to embarrass her.”_

 

_“What is this?” Ali asks staring down at the money._

 

_“I think Ashlyn has been slipping her babysitting money into my purse and hoping I wouldn’t notice.”_

 

_“Oh, Ash.” Ali says stuffing the money in her pocket. “I can’t believe she’s still trying to pay you. I mean I can totally believe it, I just wish she would relax about it.”_

 

_“I love taking care of my kids, but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”_

 

_“I know, Mom. It’s just that things are really different for Ash and she’s not used to this. I think she appreciates it, she just doesn’t entirely know how to let it happen.”_

 

_“What do you mean by that?”_

 

_“I mean that at Ashlyn’s house, she’s used to doing all of the cooking and shopping and cleaning. It’s sort of a fend for yourself type of environment.”_

 

_“Her parents must be very strict then.” Debbie comments._

 

_“I used to think that. That’s how she tries to pass it off anyway. But she’s let a lot of things slip and I think it’s more that her mom and dad aren’t really able to do the kinds of things parents usually do for their kids. I think if she didn’t go shopping or do the laundry or make dinner, none of it would happen.”_

 

_“That’s terrible, Alex! Is that why she came home with you?”_

 

_“She told me her dad lost his job. I think she’s worried about being a burden. She doesn’t want to put you out either.”_

 

_“Oh, I just want to squeeze her and tell her she deserves it!”_

 

_Ali laughs. “Maybe you could just make her feel useful? Like give her jobs to do or something. She’s pretty handy. Maybe you’ve got a leaky sink!” Ali suggests._

 

_“I’m afraid all of our sinks are working just fine but I’m sure I can come up with something.”_

 

_Just then Ashlyn comes down the stairs after taking a shower._

 

_“Hi, sweetie.” Debbie greets her._

 

_“Hey, Mrs—sorry. Deb.” Ashlyn corrects herself before Ali’s mother can._

 

_“You’re getting better!” Debbie encourages. “I was just mentioning to Ali that I’ve got a serious cookie craving right now but I need eggs and chocolate chips. Do think you two would mind running to the store for me?”_

 

_Ashlyn’s face lights up at the opportunity to help. “Yeah, sure! We can do that! I mean unless you don’t want to go, Al. I don’t mind.”_

 

_“I’ll tag along.” Ali shrugs._

 

_“I’ve got some cash in my purse.” Debbie offers._

 

_“It’s okay, Deb. I’ve got it.”_

 

_“Well thank you, Ashlyn. I really appreciate it.” Debbie gives her a classic Krieger smile, and shoots Ali a wink as soon as Ashlyn’s back is turned._

 

_***_

 

_A few weeks later Ashlyn and Ali are lounging on the deck of Ken Krieger’s beach house. They’ve spent most of the day in the water or napping in the deck loungers like they are now. Kyle has been in and out the whole week, mostly disappearing in the evenings, no one quite sure when he stumbles back home the next morning. Kyle had left for whatever it was he was doing about an hour ago, and Ken was having dinner at a friend’s house that evening, leaving the girls to their own devices that night._

 

_“So what are we going to do tonight?” Ali asks Ashlyn, pushing her sunglasses on top of her head and turning to look at her._

 

_“The same thing we do every night, Ali. Try to take over the world!” Ashlyn says dramatically._

 

_Ali throws her head back in laughter._

 

_“And when we’re done with that?”_

 

_“Pizza on the beach.” Ashlyn says definitively._

 

_“I like the way you think, Harris.”_

 

_After another hour of lounging, Ali heads into the kitchen and rummages through the menu drawer until she finds one for her favorite pizza place, and hands it to Ashlyn. They settle on half cheese, half pepperoni and pineapple and Ali places the order. It’s a Friday night during peak tourist season in the beach town, so the pizza won’t be there for a while, so the pair decides to go upstairs and change. Ashlyn is changing in the bathroom, while Ali gets dressed in the bedroom that they’ve been sharing._

 

_“Hey, Ash?” Ali says knocking, but opening the door without waiting for a response. “Do you have any cash for—“_

 

_Ali stops dead in her tracks at the sight before her. She and Ashlyn were close and Ashlyn had changed her shirt in front of her a hundred times. It wasn’t until that moment though, that the realization that Ashlyn always kept her legs hidden, dawned on Ali. She always wore long shorts, even when it was 90 plus degrees out. She even wore shorts over her swimsuit bottoms but Ali had assumed it was just because Ashlyn preferred a more masculine style, and not that she was trying to hide something._

 

_Ashlyn stands before Ali in a gray sports bra and a pair of plain, blue cotton underwear. Peeking out from her upper, inner thighs are long, thin cuts. They’re all fairly precise, methodical in their placement, and in various stages of healing. Some are fresh, barely scabbed over, but there are visible scars of varying ages. Ashlyn is frozen in fear as Ali lets out a tiny gasp and her hand flies to her mouth._

 

_“I’m so sorry!” She mumbles out and backs quickly out of the bathroom, pulling the door closed with her as she goes._

 

_Ali paces the room a few minutes, waiting for Ashlyn to respond in some way, but she doesn’t. In fact, Ali doesn’t even hear movement at all. She thinks about leaving and going downstairs because maybe is Ashlyn is waiting for her to leave to make her exit, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Finally she caves and goes back to the bathroom. She knocks quietly and this time she waits for a response._

 

_“Ash?” Ali asks when she’s met with silence._

 

_“I’ll, um.” Ashlyn pauses. “I’ll be out in a minute.” She sounds dazed._

 

_“Ashlyn, I’m coming in, okay?” Again she’s met with silence, but she hadn’t protested so she opens the door._

 

_Ashlyn hasn’t moved from where she stood before, but she is wearing a t-shirt now. Her legs and the secrets they bear, still exposed. Without thinking, Ali walks over to Ashlyn and runs her hands over the marks there. She doesn’t think about how intimate a location it is, or that her touch may be unwanted. She just needs Ashlyn to know she sees her and that she’s there. When she realizes what she’s doing she pulls her hand away with a look of horror._

 

_“I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have just—“_

 

_“No. It’s okay.” Ashlyn whispers._

 

_“I am sorry though.” Ali says after a moment. “I’m sorry that you feel like you deserve that.”_

 

_Ashlyn is trying desperately to keep the tears that have filled her eyes from spilling. She stares up at the ceiling, refusing to look at Ali._

 

_“It’s just a bad habit.” She forces out as casually as she can._

 

_“Biting your nails is bad habit. This is something else.”_

 

_“Yeah, well. I do that too.”_

 

_“I know.” Ali says with a small smile. She takes Ashlyn’s hand in her own and examines her nails. “I’ll let the nail-biting slide, but we need to talk about this.” Ali gestures to Ashlyn’s legs._

 

_Ashlyn sighs heavily. “Yeah. Okay. But can we do it later?”_

 

_“Ash.” Ali warns gently._

 

_“I promise. Tonight, on the beach. I just need minute.”_

 

_Ali nods and turns to let Ashlyn finish getting dressed._

 

_Later that night, just after the sun has gone down, Ali and Ashlyn find themselves lying on a blanket on the beach, an empty pizza box and half a six pack of beer between them. Ali has wanted to bring up the incident earlier since they sat down, but she knows she needs to let Ashlyn do it on her terms. They’ve been laying in silence a rather long while when Ashlyn finally speaks._

 

_“I started having panic attacks in the middle of the night.” Ashlyn states. Ali just waits as she gathers her thoughts and continues. “I don’t really know how to describe them, but they always start with this burning sensation under my skin. But it’s not heat, it’s a cold burn. It just courses through me like everything is on fire and made of ice at the same time. And then the nausea comes. I can’t breathe and my heart and my mind are both racing and no matter what I do to try and calm my thoughts or my breathing or anything, I can’t. I feel like I’m living and acting outside of myself temporarily and I don’t know how to make myself feel like I’m there again.”_

 

_“That sounds terrifying.” Ali mutters._

 

_“It started as a way to cope with the panic attacks. Whenever I did it, I was in control again, in charge of myself and my body. I could feel something other than this unwanted adrenaline pumping through me. Pretty soon, if I felt a panic attack coming, I knew exactly how to stop it.”_

 

_“If it started out that way, what is it now? Do you still have the panic attacks?”_

 

_Ashlyn nods. “tf feels like relief when I’m doing it, but afterwards I’m ashamed. So sometimes, when I really hate myself, it’s like a punishment. On the days when I can’t look at myself in the mirror or stand the sound of my own voice, it’s like I_ should _feel that ashamed because that’s who I am. Damaged goods.”_

 

_“You aren’t damaged goods.” Ali sits ups and stares into Ashlyn’s eyes. When she tries to look away, she follows her. “You aren’t.” Ali says with conviction. “You don’t deserve to feel that way, ever. You don’t need to be punished!”_

 

_“Please don’t tell anyone, Ali. Please.” Ashlyn pleads._

 

_“You should talk to someone. The counseling center on campus. Or you could talk to my mom?” Ali suggests._

 

_“I can’t. Please, Al. I can’t.”_

 

_“But you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep hurting yourself.” Hot tears roll down Ali’s cheeks as she tries to reason with her best friend._

 

_“I’ll stop.”_

 

_“I still think you should get help, but I’ll be here for you, okay?”_

 

_“Just give me a chance to do it on my own. I promise you I’ll try and if it doesn’t work you can drag me to the counseling center yourself.”_

 

_Ali reluctantly agrees._

 

_That same night, around three in the morning, Ashlyn wakes Ali up. Her skin is clammy and her face is pale. She can see the panic in her eyes. Ali stays awake with Ashlyn, talking and telling stories until she calms down. Over the next year, these late night talks will become standard, Ashlyn calling Ali every night and the pair staying up until they can just start to see the sun coming up._

 

“I don’t know.” Ali says hesitantly. “I guess Ashlyn has just been on my mind a lot.”

 

“That’s understandable when someone you didn’t know if you’d ever see again shows up and literally saves your life.”

 

“It’s so weird though, Kyle. She’s been on my mind for weeks for some reason. I dreamt about her the morning of the accident.”

 

“Oh my God!” Kyle leaps up on his knees, closer to Ali, ready to dissect the meaning of everything. “What was the dream about?!”

 

“I can’t really remember.” Ali lies, her cheeks flushing slightly.

 

“Ugh.” Kyle scoffs in disappointment. “You don’t remember _anything_ at all? Like did she say anything or do anything to warn you?”

 

“Uh,” Ali stumbles a little, “it actually sort of felt like a memory.”

 

“Hmm.” Kyle ponders.

 

“It wasn’t just the dream though. When I was out buying stuff for the store, I found these barstools from the same bar Ash and I used to hang out at in college. And out of the twenty or however many there were, Macy just so happened to have the very two we used to sit on.”

 

“Wait,” Kyle looks a little confused. “How did you know they were the same ones?”

 

“Ashlyn drew on them and they were still there.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Did you buy them?”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything.

 

“You did!” Kyle points a finger at her. “You totally did!”

 

“Okay, I did.” Ali admits.

 

“This is weird, Alex. It doesn’t feel like a coincidence, it feels more like a—“

 

“A warning.” Ali finishes.

 

“I was going to say a sign. What kind of warning?”

 

“A warning that now that I’m home, I need to watch out for Ashlyn Harris.”

 

“Or maaaaaybe,” Kyle says with a smirk, “it’s a sign that you should give her another chance?”

 

“Another chance implies that there was some kind of chance to begin with.”

 

“Don’t you wish there had been?” Kyle asks her seriously.

 

Ali wants to protest, but before she can answer, Kelley comes skipping into the bedroom.

 

“Oh! Coffee!” She points at the only cup not in Kyle or Ali’s hands. “Is that for me?” She grabs the cup and takes a sip before waiting for a response. She sits crisscrossed on the end of the bed, a content grin on her face.

 

“Good morning Sister Kelley. Did you get enough time to confess all your sins? Kyle asks.

 

“Mass is only an hour long, Ky.” Ali teases.

 

“It was an hour-fifteen today, actually.” Kelley says. “But I threw in an extra decade of the rosary for good measure.

 

“It’s like she’s speaking another language.” Kyle says.

 

“You got a shout-out from Father John during Prayers of the Faithful, Ali.” Kelley says.

 

“Can he do that if I’m not Catholic?”

 

“Well he did refer to you as “that heathen Ali Krieger who is probably going to burn in hell” but yeah.” She shrugs.

 

“Well thanks for putting in a good word for me.” Ali smiles in sincere appreciation. She’s never been a particularly religious person, but she sometimes finds herself praying when times get tough. And moreover, she knows that for Kelley, it’s a sign of how much she cares.

 

Kelley grins back at Ali and takes another sip of her coffee.

 

“Kell, think you can help me wash my hair today? I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than I want to take a shower right now.” Ali sighs.

 

“A hair wash? Yes. A shower? No. Maybe modified. But we have too many things that can’t yet be submerged in water yet.”

 

Ali groans.

 

“Fine.” She grumbles.

 

“Well I’m going to leave you girls to it.” Kyle says, grabbing the breakfast tray to make an exit.

 

“Aw, you don’t want to stay?” Kelley asks.

 

“Somehow I think I can come up with something better to do than watching you give my sister a sponge bath.”

 

“Suit yourself.” Kelley says as she carefully helps Ali up to make their way to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> How do you think this impacts Ali's current feelings towards Ashlyn? 
> 
> Like I mentioned in the notes on Certainty, I'm off to celebrate my birthday this weekend and won't get back to writing until next week, but the next chapter of this story is top of the agenda!


	5. Whatever The Hell Comes Next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer to finish than I anticipated! I probably have one more chapter of this one before I switch back to Certainty for a while. I hope you enjoy this one!
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting!

“This is a bad idea.” Christen sing-songs as she buckles her seatbelt.

 

“Its fine, Christen.” Ali reassures. “It’s been six weeks! I need to get out of that house and _do_ something.”

 

“Out of all the horrible ways I can think to die, at the hands of an angry Kelley O’Hara has got to be in the top three most horrible.”

 

Ali throws her head back in laughter, noting that the pain in her side she’s felt for weeks at every laugh or slight movement, is finally just a mild twinge.

 

“She’s not going to kill you!” Ali grins at her friend with amusement.

 

“I’m sneaking you out! She’s definitely not going to be happy!”

 

“Hi, Ali Krieger, full-grown, adult woman. In charge of herself. Nice to meet you.” Ali says with an eye-roll. “I’m pretty sure it isn’t considered sneaking out if it’s from my own house and going to my own business. I’m desperate, Chris. I need to get back to work or I’ll go crazy.”

 

“Kelley said you were staying busing prepping for that class you’re going to teach at the community college in January.” Christen says. “Which, by the way, I’m surprised she asked you to do. At least so soon. You were hardly home from the hospital and she was propositioning you!”

 

“This is a bad idea.” Christen sing-songs as she buckles her seatbelt.

 

“Its fine, Christen.” Ali reassures. “It’s been six weeks! I need to get out of that house and _do_ something.”

 

“Out of all the horrible ways I can think to die, at the hands of an angry Kelley O’Hara has got to be in the top three most horrible.”

 

Ali throws her head back in laughter, noting that the pain in her side she’s felt for weeks at every laugh or slight movement, is finally just a mild twinge.

 

“She’s not going to kill you!” Ali grins at her friend with amusement.

 

“I’m sneaking you out! She’s definitely not going to be happy!”

 

“Hi, Ali Krieger, full-grown, adult woman. In charge of herself. Nice to meet you.” Ali says with an eye-roll. “I’m pretty sure it isn’t considered sneaking out if it’s from my own house and going to my own business. I’m desperate, Chris. I need to get back to work or I’ll go crazy.”

 

“Kelley said you were staying busing prepping for that class you’re going to teach at the community college in January.” Christen says. “Which, by the way, I’m surprised she asked you to do. At least so soon. You were hardly home from the hospital and she was propositioning you!”

 

“Well I think that’s exactly it. She was trying to keep me busy. I wouldn’t be surprised if she added a class to the course catalog just to give me something to do and distract me from my real job.”

 

“Are you looking forward to teaching?”

 

“I wasn’t sure at first because I’ve never taught anything to anyone before, but I’m really excited about it now. It’s still a little crazy to me that I don’t need a teaching background to be allowed to educate people but I’ve done a ton of research so I’m feeling pretty good about it. And Kelley put me in touch with another German language teacher who let me take a look at her lesson plans. I guess the class is mostly high school students who want to get their language credits out of the way without having to sacrifice electives, that or they want extra practice for study abroad programs.”

 

“You’re excited about working with teenagers?” Christen eyes her skeptically.

 

“Yeah, when they’re teenagers that actually _want_ to be there. You don’t take a night class as a high schooler if you aren’t dedicated. Plus, the youth adore me. I’m very cool.”

 

“The hippest.” Christen laughs.

 

“But seriously, Chris, don’t worry about Kelley. She’s been my hero for the past six weeks, but she can be a little overprotective.”

 

“She just loves you. We all do.”

 

“Ugh.” Ali groans, but she has a grin on her face. “I love you guys more!”

 

Ali was doing a lot better since the accident and really did feel ready to get back to her normal life. The first couple of weeks had been the worst, and she knows she never would have survived them without Kelley. For the first two weeks, every part of her body hurt, she hadn’t mastered life with a fiberglass cast, and she had to stay off her left leg to keep the stitches intact during the initial healing process. Also, broken ribs are a bitch. The second two weeks she was feeling better and had learned to adapt to her circumstances, but the bruises and scrapes leftover looked horrible. Large patches of her body were various shades of blue, purple, green, and yellow, and the scabs were crusty and peeling. She might have been feeling better, but she didn’t want to leave the house and put up with people staring at her. The past two weeks, Ali had started to go a little stir crazy, but she was feeling more like herself than ever. Her ribs, while still a little sore, didn’t hold her back from everyday tasks, her leg was healing up nicely, and her cast was due to be removed soon. And although Ali’s doctor had told her she could get back to work whenever she felt ready, as long as she took it easy and listened to her body, Kelley and Christen has insisted she stay home and rest as long as she could.

 

Kelley had taken the first couple of weeks off from work to be able to help Ali fulltime. She cleaned the house and changed the dressing on her wounds, made her meals, and took her to all her appointments. She washed her hair and bought her extra zip-up hoodies so she could get herself dressed on her own, and stayed up talking with her all night whenever she needed to process what had happened. After the first couple of weeks, Kelley was supposed to go back to her house, and just come by and check on Ali once a day, but now it was six weeks after the accident and Kelley was still there. She stayed under the guise that broken ribs proved to be harder to recover from then Ali had anticipated, but Ali suspected that Kelley was worried that she’d go back to the dark place.

 

“Thank you so much for all your help, Christen.” Ali says unlocking the door to the shop.

 

“All I did was give you a ride and panic. I’m not sure it was all that much.” Christen laughs.

 

“I don’t just mean for today, I mean for the past month and a half. You rearranged your whole life to help me out and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay you.”

 

“You don’t! We’re friends! Friendship isn’t about being indebted to each other for the things we do. You would do the same for me and have already done just as much in other ways. But your mom was a huge help holding this place down too.”

 

“I still couldn’t have done it without you and I just want you to know how grateful I am.” Ali says with sincerity. “Now get out of here and get back to your life! Be free!”

 

“I’ll be back to get you at 6:30.” Christen gives Ali a quick kiss on the cheek before turning back to her car. “Call me if you need help with anything!” She calls behind her.

 

“I promise I will, but I won’t.”

 

Ali loved being back at work. She had been keeping the books from home, but missed her store. She missed perfecting her displays and talking with customers and helping people find things they loved. She missed how happy and peaceful she felt in the beautiful space she had worked so hard to create.

 

The first thing she did after getting the store open, was go around and make sure things were just right. It was clear Christen and Deb had tried to keep things just as Ali had them, but no one quite had her eye. So she wandered around the store and tweaked things here and there. Turning candles so their labels were at the exact right angle, moving a couple of chairs back a half inch or slightly to the left, and rearranging the clothing racks so that the colors and fabrics were broken up, drawing the eye into different pieces. Once everything was how she liked it, she started on inventory, going through the items made by local artists and designers that she would need to re-order, and making a list of items she needed to look for on her next trip out. She thought about her last buying trip and the day of the accident replays in her mind. Suddenly she finds herself lost in one of the dreams that seems to find her nearly every night.

 

_She’s back in her demolished car, trapped. This time she’s surrounded by smoke and she can smell something burning. She screams and screams for help but no one comes to rescue her. She begins coughing and choking on the thick, black smoke that overtakes the air around her and just as she thinks about giving up, that voice breaks through._

 

_“I can’t be the one that keeps running to your rescue.” The new, dark-haired Ashlyn stares into her eyes as she speaks. Her hands on either side of Ali’s face._

 

_“What?” Ali asks, confused, panicked._

 

_“I can’t be the person who rocks you to sleep after the nightmares.”_

 

_“Please!” Ali pleads. “Please help me.”_

 

_Ashlyn shakes her head sadly. “You have to figure out where they come from and how to stop them on your own.”_

 

_“Please!” Ali sobs as the figure in front of her is enveloped in the dark smoke and disappears. “Please!”_

 

_But she’s gone._

 

_“Ashlyn!!!” Ali screams. “Ashlyn! Please don’t leave me!”_

 

Usually Ali wakes up, breathless, her shirt damp from sweat. Kelley will silently reach up and rub her back until she’s calmed down and lays back down without a word. If Kelley suspects anything about the dream, or has heard Ali cry Ashlyn’s name, she hasn’t said anything.

 

This time though Ali is not asleep and she’s brought back to reality by the ringing of her phone. She pulls it from her pocket and checks the caller ID, shaking her head to clear the fog before answering.

 

“Hey, Macy!” Ali tries not to sound dazed.

 

“Hi sweetie! How are you feeling?” Macy asks.

 

“Really good. I get my cast off on Tuesday and I’m even at the shop today!” Ali says excitedly.

 

“I’m so happy to hear that, hon.” Macy says genuinely. “Hey, I’m calling because I have four barstools here with your name on them. It looks like they didn’t make it on the truck when Hank delivered your stuff a few weeks ago.”

 

“Right. The barstools.” With everything that had happened with the accident, Ali hadn’t even noticed the barstools were missing.

 

“Hank is headed your way this afternoon, do you want me to have him drop them off at your place?”

 

“Uh,” Ali hesitates a moment. “Uh, yeah. Like I said I’m at the shop, but uh, if you have him call me when he gets there I can use my phone to open the garage door and he can put them in there. If that’s alright?”

 

“Sounds good to me! I’ll have him give you call. I’m so sorry we forgot them.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, I hadn’t even noticed. Thanks for getting them to me.”

 

“Well I know they’re special to you.”

 

“Yeah.” Ali says with a nod.

 

“Alright, darling, I’ve got to run. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Call me if you need anything.”

 

“Of course, Macy. Thank you.”

 

They both say good-bye and end the call. Ali tries to push down the mixture of both excitement and dread that she feels at the thought of moving those barstools into her house.

 

The rest of the day goes well for Ali, she has plenty do with lots of customers coming in, and she can already feel business picking up for the holiday rush. At six o’clock she flips the sign on the front door and starts cleaning up while waiting for Christen to come pick her up and take her home. Five minutes later, a very huffy Kelley bursts through the door.

 

“ALI KRIEGER!” She points at the woman, her eyes narrowing as she stalks towards her.

 

“Hi to you too, Kel.” Ali says easily as she orders the day’s receipts before putting them in the cash bag.

 

“What are you trying to pull here?!” Kelley asks, attempting to sound outraged.

 

“It’s time, Kelley. You and I both know it.”

 

“We talked about easing you back into this. You know, half-days a couple times a week to start.”

 

“I know we did. But I’ve missed this place way too much and today went just fine. Great, even! You have been truly amazing, but it’s time for both of us get back to our normal lives, and for you to go back home.”

 

“Wait, you’re kicking me out too?!”

 

“To the curb, sweetheart.”

 

Kelley lets out a deep sigh. “I guess I should have seen this coming. I knew you wouldn’t need me forever, but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. They grow up so fast.” She pretends to wipe away a tear with an exaggerated sniffle.

 

“Aw, I’m always going to need you, Kelley.” Ali says throwing her good arm around her friend’s shoulder. “I mean, I still don’t have a car so I’m going to need a ride.”

 

“Kids!” Kelley scoffs. “So ungrateful! Do I look like a chauffeur to you?!”

 

“Oh! I could get you one of those little caps!” Ali says with a nose-crinkling grin.

 

“Come on.” Kelley says grabbing Ali’s bag for her. “I’ll drive you home and then I guess I better start packing. Unless all my stuff is waiting for me in a box on your porch?”

 

“Kelley.” Ali shoots her a look.

 

“I know, I know. It’s not me, it’s you. Right?”

 

“Oh, now I’m your girlfriend? A minute a go I was your kid. Make up your mind, O’Hara!”

 

“Well you do like to hold my hand when you sleep.” Kelley teases.

 

“I can’t help that I’m a sleep cuddler.” Ali says, blushing slightly, remembering the reoccurring dream-memory that usually brought on her cuddles with Kelley.

 

_Ali is standing at the bar, bopping her head to the music, patiently waiting her turn to order another drink. The bar is busy but not packed, so she easily scans the room to see where the rest of her friends had ended up after they all left the dance floor for a little break. Tobin gives her a nod when she’s catches her eyes, acknowledging their location._

 

_Ali turns back to the bar and starts looking over the drink specials when a rather handsome man, who appears to be a bit older than her, slides in next to Ali. He’s a little closer than necessary so she tries to subtly step back to give herself more room._

 

_“Hey, gorgeous.” He leans in when he speaks, grinning at her._

 

_Ali leans back. “Hm, I’m pretty sure that’s not what my birth certificate says.” Ali deadpans._

 

_“You haven’t told me your name yet.”_

 

_“I don’t remember you asking.”_

 

_“You’re right. I’m being rude. Let me make it up to you by buying you a drink. I’m Garrett.”_

 

_“I didn’t ask.” Ali turns further away from the man._

 

_“Oh come on. Let me buy you a drink.”_

 

_“No, thank you.”_

 

_“Well at least tell me your name.”_

 

_Suddenly, Ali feels a pair of arms wrap around her waist from behind her. She takes in the familiar smell of the person as she feels soft lips press against her cheek._

 

_“Hey babe.” Ashlyn says with a smug grin. “Did you order yet?”_

 

_“Not yet, sorry.” Ali responds, feeling Ashlyn’s hands slip lower and come to rest on her hips._

 

_“Nothing to be sorry about, Beautiful.” Ashlyn plays back, pressing a few kisses down Ali’s neck before looking to the bar to catch the bartender. When she meets his eyes, he smiles in recognition._

 

_“Another?” The man asks._

 

_Ashlyn nods._

 

_“Same thing?”_

 

_“Yeah, and a vodka soda for my girl here. Two limes?” Ashlyn looks to Ali to confirm._

 

_Ali nods with a smile. “You know me.”_

 

_“What if I buy both you and your friend a drink?” Garrett asks._

 

_“Do you know this guy?” Ashlyn asks, now resting her chin on Ali’s shoulder._

 

_“Nope.” Ali shrugs._

 

_“But we were getting to know each other.” Garrett tries again._

 

_The guy behind the bar sets Ali and Ashlyn’s drinks in front of them and Ashlyn tells the guy to put them on her tab. Then she takes her drink in one hand and Ali’s hand in the other and leads her away._

 

_“Have a goodnight, Gary!” Ali says cheerily over her shoulder._

 

_The pair make their way to the table that Tobin, Kelley, Christen, and a couple of other girls had claimed a few minutes prior._

 

_“That was cute.” Christen giggles at Ali as she sits down next to her._

 

_“Oh stop.” Ali tries to brush it off, even though her heart is pounding and she feels like she’s on fire._

 

_“Ashlyn makes a great fake girlfriend.” Kelley adds. “Always there to keep the creeps away.”_

 

_“That’s what you think, Kel. She’s really just trying to cop a feel.” Tobin teases._

 

_“Caught me!” Ashlyn says, reaching back to pinch Tobin’s ass._

 

_“Don’t blow your cover.” Christen warns. “That guy keeps looking over here.”_

 

_“Guess he needs a little more convincing.” Ashlyn smirks. She leans down and whispers into Ali’s ear. “Let’s put on a show.” Then she takes her hand again, this time leading her out to the dance floor._

 

_They reach the dance floor and Ashlyn runs her hands down Ali’s sides, once again finding purchase on her hips as Ali sways to the music. Ali leans back into Ashlyn’s front, their bodies now flush together as she continues to move her body to the beat. She laces her fingers with Ashlyn’s as they rest on her hips, and leans her head back on her shoulder. Ashlyn again runs hot kisses down Ali’s neck, Ali closing her eyes at the contact. She turns in Ashlyn’s arms, pecking her lips lightly before pressing their foreheads together. Ali feels Ashlyn’s hands move lower down her back and over her butt, she feels her gentle squeeze. Ali meets her eyes with intensity only to have the moment broken with laughter. Ashlyn steps back, throwing her head back as she laughs._

 

_“You should have seen his face when he ran out of here, Al! Oh my god, it was perfect!”_

 

_Ali forces a laugh too. “Good! He got what he deserved then.” She tries._

 

_Ashlyn holds her hand up for a high-five, and then loosely throws her arm around Ali’s shoulder as they head back to the table._

 

*****

 

“Hello, Kelley.” Ashlyn greets her friend through her phone.

 

“Hey, Ash! What’s up, buddy?”

 

“Not a whole lot. I’m just leaving the gym, thinking about stopping for a smoothie.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Fine. I’m thinking about stopping for a coffee.”

 

“I thought so.” Kelley chuckles. “hey, so, I was wondering if you might be able to do me a favor?”

 

“I won’t kill a man, but I’ll help you hide the body.”

 

“What if it’s two bodies?”

 

“Two, yes. But I draw the line at three.”

 

“Okay, for real though, do you think you could go pick up a chair for me at this vintage shop called Revival in Old Town? I bought it for my mom for her birthday, and I really need it by tomorrow. I was going to go pick it up today, but I’ve got a student who came into desperate for a counseling appointment and I’m not going to make it before they close.”

 

“What time do they close?”

 

“Six o’clock.”

 

“Uhhh, yeah.” Ashlyn thinks about it only a moment. “I’m going to a meeting this afternoon, and traffic will be a bear but I think I can make it in time. I’ve got you.”

 

“You’re the best! I owe you! I’ll let you win next time we go to mini-golf.”

 

“Oh is that what you’ve been doing all these years? Letting me win?”

 

“Someone’s gotta make you feel good about yourself.”

 

“Who was it that needed a favor again? Couldn’t possibly be you with that attitude.”

 

“Thank you, Ash! I mean it, you’re the best!”

 

“I’ll call you when I’m headed to your place.”

 

Ashlyn walks into the little shop about ten minutes before six. She feels a little bad about cutting it so close, but hopes whoever is there won’t be too annoyed by it. When she walks in, she doesn’t see anyone else in the store, so she starts to browse. She finds a table displaying handmade leather goods and is instantly taken with them. She picks up a chocolate-colored wallet, turning it over in her hands, feeling the soft leather. She opens it up, noting it’s the perfect size to hold all of her things and still fit in her back pocket.

 

Ali didn’t hear the bell when Ashlyn had walked in so she sees the woman from behind, admiring the leather goods, and goes to greet her.

 

“Aren’t those wonderful?” Ali says happily. “They’re made by a local—oh!” She gasps as the woman turns to face her and she realizes it is Ashlyn who stands before her. She can’t decide if she’s overjoyed or terrified. But that quickly fades when Ashlyn opens her mouth.

 

“You’ve _got_ to be kidding me.” Ashlyn groans with an eye-roll.

 

“Okay. Wow. Nice to see you too, Ash.” Ali bites back.

 

“You work here?” Ashlyn asks with a humorless laugh.

 

“No, I don’t _work_ here.” Ali says with a scoff. “I _own_ this place.”

 

“You still have to work, don’t you?”

 

“Whatever.” Ali brushes her off. “Why are you here?”

 

“Is that how you treat all your customers? I guess I know why it’s dead in here.”

 

“Most customers know it’s rude to walk into a business three minutes to close.”

 

“Maybe you should change your hours to ten till five fifty-seven then.”

 

“If you’re not going to buy anything, I’d like to close up.” Ali states coldly.

 

“I’m not.” Ashlyn tosses the wallet back on the table. “But I promised Kelley I’d pick up some chair for her mom’s birthday.”

 

Ali’s eyes flicker with rage before she steels her expression, and offers a curt nod. “It’s over here.”

 

Ali leads Ashlyn to the back of the store to where the chair sits.

 

“I can help you carry it out, it’s kind of heavy.” Ali offers.

 

Ashlyn let’s out a choked laugh. “No. I’m good.” She lifts the chair effortlessly and heads toward the door of the shop. Ali follows quickly behind and pulls the door open for her.

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn mumbles.

 

She walks to the back of her Jeep, setting the chair down a moment to open the door before placing it in the back and hopping in the front seat without another word. Ali watches from the door as Ashlyn drives away.

 

Christen shows up shortly after, a wide smile on her face.

 

“Hi!” She chirps as she walks in. Her face drops as soon as she sees Ali. “What’s wrong?”

 

Ali is pacing angrily behind the counter, muttering under her breathe and gesturing wildly as she does.

 

“What?” She snaps, looking up in surprise to see Christen. “Sorry. I didn’t hear you come in.”

 

“Ali, what’s going on.”

 

“Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on!” Ali rants. “If you thought dying at the hands of an angry Kelley was in the top three most horrible ways to die, _I’m_ number one! She’s dead! So if you have anything you want to tell her, I suggest you call and tell her now! When I’m done with her—“

 

“Ooookay. Let’s just take a deep breath.” Christen says soothingly, placing her hands on Ali’s shoulders. “Look at me, Ali.”

 

Ali meets her eyes.

 

“Breathe with me.” Christen takes a deep breath in, nodding in encouragement when Ali follows. “Good.” Christen says as she exhales. “One more time.”

 

Once Ali is a bit calmer, she explains her encounter with Ashlyn and how Kelley was at fault.

 

“She didn’t call or text or send a fucking homing pigeon! Nothing! She asked Ashlyn to pick up that chair, and didn’t warn me at all! She fucking did it on purpose!” Ali shouts.

 

“But why would she want to do that to you?” Christen muses in genuine confusion.

 

“Because she’s a rat! A sneaky, dirty, rat!”

 

“I think you need to talk to Kelley about this.”

 

“I do too. But she won’t answer my calls. Maybe Ashlyn got to her first.”

 

“So she seemed just as surprised to see you too?” Christen asks

 

“It wasn’t surprise as much as it was disdain.” Ali sighs. “I guess she’s still really mad about what happened at the hospital. Still doesn’t give her the right to be such an asshole though. Unless that’s just who she is now.”

 

“I don’t think it’s that.” Christen says quietly.

 

That didn’t sound like the Ashlyn she knew. Christen hadn’t kept in touch with Ashlyn much over the years, but they had become friends through Ali while in college. Before life got busy and their common connections moved further and further away, Christen had done Ashlyn a favor.

 

_Ashlyn had returned to Satellite Beach the same summer that Ali left for Germany. She moved in with her grandmother, quit drinking, and started therapy. Even though her home life had been nothing but tumultuous, living with her grandmother had been exactly what Ashlyn needed. She didn’t return to DC until she started the paramedic program, except for graduation weekend. Kelley and Tobin had done so much for her, and were supporting her endlessly, so she knew she needed to be there to support and celebrate them._

 

_Kelley, Tobin, Christen, and Ashlyn stood together in Tobin and Kelley’s backyard. Although Ashlyn had told them it was fine to drink in front of her, everyone sipped on sparkling cider instead of champagne._

 

_“I’d like to propose a toast.” Ashlyn says, lifting her plastic cup. “You guys worked your asses off and I’m really proud of all of you. Here’s to whatever the hell comes next being better than anything before.”_

 

_They all clinked their cups and took a sip, appreciating the bittersweet moment, knowing that Ashlyn had worked harder than any of them in recent months, yet she couldn’t share this milestone with them. To avoid the silence threatening to fall over them, Tobin brought up summer plans._

 

_“So, Christen, Kelley said you’re going to intern in Paris?”_

 

_“Yes! I’m so excited. I’m going with a team from the design house I interned for in New York last summer.”_

 

_“That’s awesome.” Tobin replies. “Will you have time to travel around and stuff?”_

 

_“Hopefully. I want to at least visit Italy and Germany.”_

 

_“Oh, you’ll have to go see Ali. She just moved to Frankfurt, and I think she said Paris is like, five hours by train?”_

 

_“We’ve already been plotting!” Christen says with a laugh. “I’m going to spend a week with her before my internship starts and then she’s going to come visit me a little later.”_

 

_Christen noticed the hurt and sadness flicker across Ashlyn’s face at the mention of Ali, shaking her head before plastering on a smile for her friends. When Kelley was pulled away by the arrival of more guests for the graduation party, and Tobin went to bring out more of the food, Ashlyn asked Christen for a favor._

 

_“I know it’s a lot to ask, but I can’t stand not knowing. If you could just send me an email or something after you see her? I just need to know how she’s doing.”_

 

_Christen wasn’t sure how comfortable she felt being asked to report on Ali to Ashlyn, but the look on the girl’s face made it impossible for her to say no._

 

_“Okay. I can do that for you.”_

 

_***_

 

_The night before Christen left Frankfurt for Paris, she stayed up late talking with Ali. She had been alarmed when she first saw her. She’d lost a lot of weight and looked pale and fragile, the light in her eyes missing, her wide smile a rare occurrence._

 

_“Ali, are you sure this is what you want? You know I support you know matter what, but don’t you think it might be easier for you to be around your family? More of your support system?” Christen asks with concern._

 

 _“I’m not ready to go back yet, Chris. I’m not ready to face it all yet. I can’t see_ her _yet.”_

 

_That night, after Ali had gone to bed, Christen wrote to Ashlyn._

 

_Ash-_

_She’s working so hard and accomplishing so much here. She speaks fluent German and has even picked up a little bit of an accent when she speaks English. It’s cute._

_She’s doing what she has to do. Please don’t worry._

_-Christen._

 

Christen has a hard time believing that the girl who had made herself sick with worry over Ali’s wellbeing, who had written to her once a month while she was in Paris to ask how Ali was doing, could do anything but care about Ali now.

 

“Looks like she’s got the same bad temper she’s always had.” Ali states, anger still apparent in her voice. “And she’s about as mature too.”

 

Christen just bites her lip and helps Ali gather her things so they can head home.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Favorite parts? Questions?
> 
> Why do you think Ashlyn and Ali are really mad at each other? What do you think of Kelley's actions?
> 
> Also! For anyone interested, I started a little sideblog on tumblr if anyone has any burning questions or wants to bug me about any of this stuff over there! letter-know.tumblr.com


	6. Shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, let's see what happens when we put these two together for longer than a quick encounter, shall we? Let me know what you think in the comments or come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com.
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!

“I’m holding your chair hostage.” Ashlyn says crossing her arms.

 

“Come on, Ash. I said I was sorry!” Kelley whines.

 

“Seriously, Kelley?! I can’t believe you thought something like this would be funny. You know better than anyone how much that girl fucks me up.”

 

“I didn’t do it to be funny.” Kelley’s tone is more serious now, her voice softer.

 

“Then what hell did you do it for?!”

 

“You need to see each other, to get to know each other again.”

 

“This wasn’t the way to get that to happen.” Ashlyn says with a glare.

 

“I can see that now.” Kelley says. “But I really did need your help with the chair and, be honest, if I had told you it was Ali’s store, would you have gone?”

 

“Probably not.” Ashlyn admits.

 

“I’m serious though, you guys need to talk.”

 

Ashlyn lets out a deep sigh. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Kel. She’s not the person I remember and I don’t feel like getting hurt again.”

 

“You’re right. She’s not the person you once knew, but she’s not who you think she is now either.” Kelley tries.

 

“Really? Because all I’ve seen from her so far is someone full of herself who always needs to have the upper hand, even if that means dredging up the past.”

 

“I know you’re upset about the conversation you had in the hospital, but I promise you, Ali didn’t ask you that because she was trying to get the upper hand.”

 

“Then why did she ask?

 

“That’s her answer to give.”

 

Ashlyn just rolls her eyes and opens the back of her Jeep to take the chair out.

 

“Guess I’ll never know then.” Ashlyn says, following Kelley inside with the chair.

 

******

 

“Hi Kelley, it’s Christen.” Christen answers Ali’s phone for her. Ali sits on her couch, her arms crossed, glaring at Christen for not ignoring the call like she wanted.

 

“She’s refusing to speak to me, right?” Kelley asks, already knowing the answer.

 

“She’s pretending to at least. We all know she wants to give you a piece of her mind.”

 

“Will you tell her that I’ll take it? Tell her that she can yell at me and that I deserve it.”

 

Christen looks at Ali, holding the phone away from her mouth. “Kelley says you can yell at her and she deserves it.”

 

“Ugh.” Ali groans as she reaches for the phone. “It’s less fun when she already knows.”

 

Ali holds the phone to her ear and lets out a dramatic sigh to let Kelley know she’s there.

 

“I’m _so_ sorry. I’m a jerk who should have let you know that I asked Ashlyn to pick up the chair for me and while I have no good excuse, I did help you shower for a week so I think you should forgive me.”

 

“Seeing me naked is a gift so that absolutely does not count. But you were rather helpful so I will forgive you this time, but you have to promise me you aren’t going to pull shit like this in the future.”

 

“Ashlyn is coming to Friendsgiving next Sunday.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Were you planning on keeping this a surprise too?”

 

“No! I swear I was always planning to tell you.”

 

“I don’t know, Kel. I’m really uncomfortable with this.”

 

“Please, Ali. You have to come. We picked the day just for you and everything. I know it puts you guys in an awkward position, but you are my two best friends in the whole world and it’s been hard since you’ve been back, trying not to neglect either one of you too much. And to be perfectly honest, Ash has really taken a backseat to you these past couple of months. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, I just want you to understand how important and special it would be to have you guys in the same place, at the same time.”

 

Ali wants to be irritated with Kelley. She wants to tell her she’s not going and instead stay at home, but she can’t. Kelley really had done so much for her, and Ali hadn’t even considered how it might be for Kelley to try and balance her and Ashlyn. And although she wanted to feel nothing but anger towards Ashlyn, she also couldn’t help but think about how she too had given up time with her best friend, for Ali’s benefit.

 

Ali takes a slow, deep breath. “Of course I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

 

“Thank you, Ali. I know I don’t deserve it right now, but you have no idea what this means to me.” Kelley says sincerely.

 

*****

 

Kelley, Tobin and Ashlyn had hosted a Friendsgiving dinner every year in college. It was usually the Sunday that everyone had returned from fall break, and consisted of whatever leftovers everyone brought back with them. It was a good way for everyone to get together for one last stress-free night before getting back to the grind, and they all enjoyed sharing the ridiculous stories from their trips home with their families. The group of friends sat around on the trio’s mismatched furniture, spilling on to the floor, and eating off paper plates. The night usually ended with several empty bottles of cheap wine, and a game of Cards Against Humanity.

 

After college, Kelley had kept the tradition, but the dinner had evolved into a real sit-down meal with better wine and real place settings. Although Ali had been back a year ago, she wasn’t able to attend as it was the weekend of the grand opening of her store. This year she was planning a one-year anniversary event, but had decided to hold it a week after Thanksgiving weekend. She was of course closed on Thanksgiving, and refused to participate in anything Black Friday related so she was closed then too. She was having a sale for Small Business Saturday and was open Sunday, so Kelley was holding Friendsgiving at seven so Ali could close up and still make it before dinner was served. Ali spent Thursday at her mom and step-dad’s house with Kyle and their step-siblings and their families. Kyle stayed the night at Ali’s place, and Friday they drove the hour out to their Dad’s to have Thanksgiving brunch with him and their step-mom and her two boys. Ali had been excited to get her new car, another Range Rover, but hadn’t been prepared for the post-accident anxiety should would feel once she was behind the wheel again.

 

Driving in town had made her nervous, but she was getting used to it. Driving longer distances and on more rural roads, turned out to be a little too much for Ali. When it started to lightly sprinkle, she turned her windshield wipers on their highest setting.

 

“You okay, Sis?” Kyle asks, noting his sister’s nervous behavior. She’s sitting rather rigidly in the driver’s seat, her death-grip on the steering wheel apparent.

 

“Yeah.” Ali distractedly replies.

 

“No, you’re not.”

 

“I’m just not super comfortable with the rain.”

 

“You haven’t been comfortable since we left your house. Do you want me to drive the rest of the way?” Kyle offers.

 

“No, it’s okay. Sorry.” Ali tries to force a smile but it comes out a grimace.

 

When a fourth car passes Ali, who is driving two miles under the speed limit, Kyle finally convinces her to pull over.

 

“Hey, it’s okay if you need to ease back into it, Ali. You can try again on the way home, alright?” Ali just nods as she buckles her seatbelt.

 

***

 

Saturday morning, she was up early to drive Kyle to the airport, which she did successfully, before heading to the shop to prepare for the sale, and by the time Sunday evening had rolled around, Ali was exhausted. Before she left the shop she went to the back office of her store and poured herself a glass of whiskey. As to not break her own rules, she told herself it was a celebratory drink for having a successful weekend, but somewhere in her mind, she knew she wanted to take the edge off her anxiety.

 

Ali never drank whiskey.

 

When Ali arrived at Kelley’s she was relieved to see that Ashlyn wasn’t there yet. She greeted Kelley and Christen with a hug before taking a seat at Kelley’s kitchen table.

 

“How was the weekend?” Kelley asks.

 

“Really great. Tons of sales. I even had to break into some of the stuff I’ve been saving for the event next weekend!”

 

“That’s awesome.” Kelley says with a smile while she works on dinner a few feet away. Christen agrees with a nod while tossing the salad she brought.

 

“Did you enjoy Thanksgiving with your family?” Christen asks.

 

“It was really nice to see everyone. And thankfully this year we didn’t have any extended family show up on either side so both Kyle and I got to avoid holding fake conversations with our conservative family members.”

 

Before anyone can respond, they hear the front door open and a voice call “Happy Friendsgiving!!!” from the living room.

 

“We’re in the kitchen!” Kelley calls back.

 

A woman with a familiar face and a warm smile enters the room with a red, ceramic casserole dish in her hands, a man carrying a basket of rolls follows behind her. Behind him, another familiar face on a beautiful brunette with chiseled features.

 

“I brought green bean casserole.” Heather says handing Kelley the dish. “Dave has bread.” The man sets the basket on the counter.

 

“We’re going to be able to eat for days.” Kelley says with a grin.

 

“I brought pie!” The beautiful woman says. “Don’t worry though, I didn’t make it. It’s from a bakery.”

 

Kelley laughs lightly as she takes the pie. “Let me introduce everyone.” Kelley says turning the group. She places her hand on Christen’s shoulder. “Christen Press, meet, Heather Werry, formerly O’Reilly, often referred to as HAO.” Christen shakes Heather’s hand before Kelley continues. “And this is her husband Dave,” Christen again offers her hand. “And last but certainly not least, we have Alex Morgan.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you guys.” Christen says warmly.

 

“Heather is also a paramedic, her and Ash work together, and Alex is a nurse in the Emergency Department at their hospital.” Kelley explains. “And Christen,” she continues, “also went to GW with the gang.”

 

Because Ali was sitting off in the corner, she’s gone unnoticed so far and has been watching the scene play out in front of her. Upon the introductions, Ali realizes why Heather and Alex look so familiar. Heather was the first person she saw after her accident, and Alex had been her nurse in the E.D. Finally, Kelley brings the group’s attention to Ali.

 

“You might not remember my best buddy, Ali, without all the broken bones and open wounds but I believe you’ve met before.” Kelley says walking over to Ali and throwing an arm around her shoulder.

 

“Oh! Hey!” Heather says with a huge smile. “You look great!”

 

“Thanks.” Ali tries to return Heather’s enthusiasm but the situation makes her just a little uncomfortable. She’s incredibly grateful for everything Heather and Alex did, but she knows they’re close to Ashlyn so she’s not sure what they know about her.

 

“Seriously.” Alex adds. “You look great. Are you feeling better? I’m sure recovering from that was a bitch.”

 

“Yeah, I’m feeling really good. Thank you. Both of you. You made a hell of first impression with the whole saving-my-life thing!”

 

Everyone laughs and soon conversation starts flowing easily. Alex is telling a funny story about a “regular” in the E.D. who has told four different nurses that she’s his girlfriend. Earlier today, Alex and the three other nurses confronted him and told him he had to choose. While she tells the tale, Ali thinks about how Alex had been able to put her at ease that night. Things had been hectic when she first got to the hospital with people talking all around her and asking questions from every direction. Alex had noticed Ali’s eyes go wide as she became overwhelmed, so she started to calmly explain everything that was going on. She had cracked jokes while they were cleaning and suturing her wounds, and had even helped put her hair up in a bun like she liked it, when she came to help her clean up. But perhaps the kindest thing Alex had done, was help her through the MRI process. The doctors had wanted an MRI to make sure that everything was okay and there was no internal bleeding or brain injuries, and somehow Alex knew that Ali was claustrophobic without even being told. She had walked her through the whole thing, helped her focus on her breathing, and was there to meet her when it was over. Once she was admitted, Alex had come by to wish her well after her shift had ended the next morning.

 

Ali is pulled from her thoughts when she hears a particular name.

 

“So where’s Ash?” Alex asks.

 

“I called her about an hour ago. Her flight was really early this morning so she wanted to take nap before coming over and of course she slept through her alarm. I think she should be here soon though.” Kelley responds.

 

“That woman is insane.” Heather notes. “She went straight to the airport after working a 72. She probably needs to sleep for a week.”

 

“A 72?” Christen asks.

 

“A 72-hour shift. We usually work one 48-hour shift and then get five days off, but if you work a 72, you can get seven days off. She didn’t want to have to go right back to work tomorrow since she was in Florida for Thanksgiving, but it was a long shift. And things are always busy right around a holiday. People want to try and put things off until after the holiday, when they really shouldn’t. So they end up in some kind of medical emergency and that’s where we come in. Ash got off Thursday morning at seven and her flight was at nine so she could make it home in time for dinner, but I know for a fact she didn’t get any time to sleep Wednesday night.” Heather explains.

 

“She spent Thanksgiving with her family?” Ali asks quietly. The last time she saw Ashlyn, she spent most holidays with Ali’s family because things were so rough at home.

 

“Yeah.” Kelley answers, knowing what Ali is really asking. “Things are a lot better with her mom and dad. She’s been working on her relationship with them.”

 

Ali just nods. She isn’t quite sure how she feels. Part of her is thrilled for Ashlyn, knowing how desperately she wanted that relationship. Another part of her is unsettled by how little she knows about Ashlyn now.

 

“I’m sure she spent the rest of the weekend working on her Grandma’s place. She was telling me how it’s been harder for her grandmother to keep up with the house and that she planned on getting as much done as she could while she was there.” Heather says.

 

Just then they hear the front door open again. Ashlyn walks into the kitchen and Ali has to catch her breath. Christen catches her eye when she notices Ali’s reaction, and Ali glares at her smirking friend. Ashlyn wears a pair of light wash jeans and a plain black t-shirt. Ali hadn’t noticed all of the tattoos Ashlyn had acquired over the years until tonight. She had one full sleeve and it looked like she was well on her way to another. Ali couldn’t believe that she had missed them before, but she had been a bit preoccupied when they first saw each other, and Ashlyn had been wearing a sweatshirt or jacket on the other occasions. Her short, brown hair was perfectly coiffed, and her makeup was done up just a little more than she’d seen before.

 

“Speak of the devil and she’ll bring you flowers!” Kelley says as Ashlyn hands her a vase of beautiful flowers in shades of orange and deep red. “Glad you decided to grace us with your presence.”

 

“Sorry, I’m late Kel. It’s been kind of a long day.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes playfully. “But look what I found wandering around outside!” Ashlyn adds as Tobin walks in.

 

Tobin greets everyone casually until she gets to Ali. Tobin’s face breaks out in a huge smile and she wraps Ali in a big hug. Much like Christen had been more Ali’s friend, Tobin had been more Ashlyn’s. They had all been fairly close in college, but when Ali and Ashlyn had stopped speaking, some of those friendships had drifted apart. Christen had only come back into the fold with Kelley about a year ago when Ali moved back and they started working together, and Ali had only seen Tobin two or three times since she moved back. If it was possible, Tobin’s face lit up even more when she saw Christen sitting across from Ali at the table. The pair hadn’t seen each other in a couple of years and were happy to start catching up.

 

“Well everyone is here, and everything is about ready, but we need beverages.” Kelley announces. “Wine?” She asks looking around at everyone.

 

“Oh! I brought a couple bottles!” Christen says standing and walking over to a bag on the floor near the back door. She digs around a moment before retrieving a bottle and walking back to Kelley. “Here!”

 

“Oh wow, Chris! This is quite the bottle!” Kelley says with wide eyes.

 

“Is it?” Christen asks. “It was a gift from a client. I know it’s French but that’s about it.”

 

“Didn’t you live in Paris for like, six months?” Kelley teases.

 

“Yes.” Christen says narrowing her eyes at Kelley. “But there’s a lot of wine there. Forgive me for not cataloging every single one in my brain.”

 

Kelley hands out glasses of wine to everyone, and Ali thanks her when she brings her hers. “So what are we drinking?” Ali asks.

 

“It’s red, and it’s _expensive_. You’ll love it.” Kelley says.

 

“Kelley!” Christen scolds.

 

“Christen, this is easily a $500 bottle of wine.”

 

“Seriously?!” Christen asks incredulously.

 

“A 1995 Chateau Margaux? You better believe it.”

 

“Geez. Remind me to send Mrs. Addison a really nice holiday basket. I have two more bottles at home!”

 

“See, this is the kind of wine they should serve at communion.” Kelley says taking a sip. Both Ashlyn and Ali let out a little groan.

 

“Here we go again.” Ashlyn says leaning against the counter.

 

“I’m sorry!” Kelley defends. “But I _refuse_ to believe Jesus had Carlo Rossi jug wine flowing through his veins! Now a ‘95 Bordeaux I can believe.”

 

“I don’t think a $500 bottle of wine every Sunday is very practical.” Tobin says.

 

“Maybe I can bring my own.” Kelley suggests. “Think there’s a corkage fee?”

 

“How about _you_ put a cork in it, and feed me!” Ashlyn complains.

 

“Someone’s impatient.” Kelley says turning to the fridge.

 

“I’m not impatient, I’m starving.” Ashlyn says.

 

 “Sparkling water with lemon, Ash?” Kelley offers.

 

 “Yes please.”

 

“Preference?” Kelley holds up a bottle of Pellegrino in one hand a can of La Croix in the other.

 

“It’s a holiday, right? Let’s go top shelf tonight!”

 

“You’ve always had expensive taste.” Kelley says cracking the seal on the bottle of Pellegrino. Kelley pours the water in a tall glass filled with ice and adds two lemon wedges before finishing the drink with an orange-striped paper straw with a little paper turkey on it.

 

Once everyone has a drink in hand, Kelley invites them all to take a seat in the dining room as she begins to bring dishes to the table, Christen and Tobin immediately going to help her. Ali notices that there are place cards with everyone’s names on them at each place setting. She takes her seat next to the head of the table where Kelley will sit. She’s right across from Ashlyn, who is sitting sideways in her chair, with Alex on her lap.

 

“Hi Honey.” Alex says kissing Ashlyn on the cheek.

 

“Hey there.” Ashlyn replies, patting Alex on the thigh.

 

“How was your trip home?”

 

“Really good. Exhausting though.” Ashlyn closes her eyes and leans her head against Alex’s shoulder.

 

Alex nods and rubs Ashlyn’s back until Kelley comes to finally sit down and Alex gets off Ashlyn’s lap to take her seat beside her.

 

Ali feels anger rise within her. A little while ago she was feeling rather grateful for Alex Morgan, but now she’s not so sure. The feeling she had that she didn’t know Ashlyn anymore dissipates, as she sees the overly flirty girl sitting across from her behaving the same way she always had. Ashlyn leans in and whispers something in Alex’s ear, who giggles in response. Ali has to try not to cringe at the sound as she picks up her wine and gulps the entire glass. Kelley and Christen stare at her.

 

“What?” Ali shrugs. “It’s good wine.”

 

“Do you want more?” Alex offers, holding out the bottle to Ali.

 

“Um, I think I’ll try the other one. Thanks.” Ali’s tone is clipped. Alex smiles awkwardly, confused by the response and sets the bottle down.

 

As Ali fills her glass again with the other wine, she remembers college Ashlyn and her many women. She remembers how whenever they went out with Nathan, Ashlyn always had to find some girl to bring along, probably so she didn’t feel like a third wheel. It used to irk Ali to no end the way Ashlyn would flirt and dote on these women. She hated how fake it was. Ashlyn would hold them close while they danced, keep an arm around their waist wherever they stood, and whisper who knows what into their ears as they giggled and blushed. But none of the girls ever made a second appearance. Ali hated that Ashlyn would go to such great lengths to put on a good show when she clearly didn’t care about these women. A couple times, Ashlyn had left with one woman, and then Ali would pick a sloppy Ashlyn up later when she rolled out of a different girl’s bed.

 

Ashlyn spent most of dinner trying to ignore Ali. She tried to focus most of her attention on Alex, who was sitting beside her, so she could avoid looking across the table at the beautiful, but infuriating brunette. Ashlyn tried not to look, but every time Ali’s face split into one of her famous smiles, she’d catch it out of the corner of her eye and couldn’t help but let her eyes fall on her. Ali looked fitter and tanner and more confident than Ashlyn had ever seen her before, and it only added to her anger. She couldn’t stand the way Ali spoke about her store or her new house, or any other accomplishment in her life, it felt like she was rubbing in how well her life had turned out. How easy things had been for her. Ashlyn had to try not roll her eyes every time Ali started a sentence with “when I was living in Germany…”

 

Ali also spent much of dinner trying to avoid Ashlyn. She hated how Ashlyn sat with her arm casually draped around the back of Alex’s chair, the whole table in stitches with whatever lame joke or story she had to tell. She hated her smug attitude and the permanent smirk she wore. Ashlyn had always had the ability to control the room, and Ali was bound and determined to not allow Ashlyn to have any control over her.

 

Towards the end of the meal, Ali was feeling the three glasses of wine she had, and was finding it harder to ignore Ashlyn, especially since Kelley and Tobin had started telling stories from college. They had just finished telling everyone about the time Ashlyn had showed up to class without studying for a big exam and then somehow managed to talk a professor out of not only not giving the exam, but giving the entire class an A for it.

 

“You’re still pretty brazen now, but I’m impressed. I think I would have liked to meet a 20-year-old Ash.” Alex says with a laugh.

 

“Oh she was something else. Did all kinds of crazy shit.” Ali says, before finishing the last of her wine. “Remember the time you got arrested?”

 

Everyone starts laughing and yelling “ _ooohhh!!_ ” but Ali nearly crumples at the look Ashlyn gives her. It isn’t anger, or even hurt. It’s total disgust. Ali quickly gets up, lays her napkin on her chair, and rushes off to the bathroom.

 

_Ali walks up to the desk nervously. She’s still a bit frazzled from the call and she’s ringing her hands as she meets the eyes of the clerk sitting behind the desk. She had only ever been in a police station once to get fingerprinted for a volunteer job at the Boys and Girls Club. She certainly had never shown up to post bail for someone._

 

_“Can I help you?” The man asks. He isn’t unfriendly, but he isn’t particularly warm either._

 

_“Um, yes. I, uh, I’m here for Ashlyn Harris?” She tries as hard as she can to keep her voice from shaking too much._

 

_“They’re just getting ready to release her.”_

 

_“What about the, um, the payment?”_

 

_“There won’t be any charges. You can just take her home. You can wait over there.” He points to a row of chairs against the wall by the door._

 

_“Thank you.” Ali says quietly. As she turns to go sit, the man speaks again._

 

_“She’s really lucky. Make sure she knows that.”_

 

_Ali nods. “I will. Believe me.”_

 

_Ali sits there for what feels like forever before an officer walks through a door near the desk, followed closely behind by a haggard Ashlyn. She has a butterfly strip on her right eyebrow while below her left eye is turning a deep shade of purple. Her bottom lip is split open, the knuckles on both her hands are red, swollen and split in places. And her gray t-shirt is covered in blood. Ashlyn walks to the counter where the clerk gives her her wallet, ID, watch, and the necklace she had been wearing, although now the thin gold chain is broken. She takes a moment to place her ID in her wallet and then puts the wallet in her back pocket. She shoves the broken necklace into her front pocket and works on fastening her watch as she approaches Ali._

 

_Ali lets out a tiny gasp and places a hand over her mouth. She’s overwhelmed and conflicted. She gets up and meets Ashlyn halfway and first wraps her in a gentle hug. Ashlyn leans forward and rests her head on Ali’s shoulder. After Ali is certain that Ashlyn is okay and safe, her anger surges again and she pulls back a bit, closing her fist and beating on Ashlyn’s shoulder. It’s soft enough not to hurt her, but hard enough to make a point._

 

_“I am so mad at you!” Ali accentuates each word with a hit._

 

_“Hey.” Ashlyn says softly, placing a gentle hand around Ali’s wrist to stop her movements. “I’m pretty sure hitting is what got us into this mess.”_

 

_“Not us, YOU. Got_ you _into this mess.”_

 

_“You’re right. I’m sorry, Al.”_

 

_“How could you be this stupid! You’re smart, Ash, you need to act like it. You can’t lose your head like this!”_

 

_“I know.” Ashlyn’s voice is small, like a child’s._

 

_Ali lets out a deep sigh. “Let’s go.”_

 

_They drive in silence for a few moments, Ali anxiously drumming her fingers against the steering wheel while Ashlyn stares at her hands in her lap._

 

_“What the fuck happened, Ashlyn?” Ali bites out angrily. “You were fine when I left you. How did this happen?”_

 

_“I was just having a good time with a couple of guys at the bar but you know how I can lose my filter when I’ve had a few drinks. This guy was being an asshole and everyone was asking him to be quiet or get out but he insisted on being a jerk. He kept calling me ‘princess’ so I decked him.”_

 

_“You got arrested because some guy called you ‘princess’?!” Ali is incredulous._

 

_“No, I got arrested because I beat the shit out of a guy who called me ‘princess.’”_

 

_“This isn’t funny!”_

 

_“I’m not joking.”_

 

_“Was it worth it?” Ali asks. “Was proving a point to that guy worth all of… this?” She gestures to Ashlyn’s bruised and disheveled appearance._

 

_“I’ll heal.”_

 

_“What about the fact that you had to sit in a jail cell for hours? Or that you could get kicked out of school? Or that you just barely dodged assault charges?! God, Ashlyn! Don’t you see the chaos you caused?! I drained my fucking savings account for you!”_

 

_“I’m sorry.” Ashlyn says in almost a whisper._

 

_“That might be true, but I can’t hear it right now. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don’t like you right now.”_

 

_They drive in silence again. Ali focuses on calming down, as Ashlyn lets silent tears fall into her lap. When they pull up to Ali’s apartment, Ashlyn is confused. She had assumed Ali would just slow down as she drove by her house and shove her out the door without stopping._

 

_“What are we doing here?” Ashlyn asks, wiping the last of her tears away._

 

_“Come on Ash, I’m not going to take you home looking like that. Kelley will lose her shit, and the look of disappointment on Tobin’s face will crush you. I’m mad at you but I’m not going to throw you to the wolves after everything you’ve been through tonight. Tomorrow, however, is a different story.”_

 

_“I don’t get it. You have every right to hate me, so why are you still taking care of me?”_

 

_Ali’s face softens when she hears the sincerity in Ashlyn’s question. She really believes Ali should hate her._

 

_“Ash,” Ali places a hand on Ashlyn’s thigh, “I don’t hate you. I’m really, really upset with you, and I’m not ready to forgive you yet, but I still love you as much as ever. If I didn’t, none of this would matter.”_

 

_“But I really fucked everything up, Ali.”_

 

_“I know you did. But loving someone isn’t dependent on them being perfect, or without fault. When you really love someone, you make a choice to love them through their unlovable moments. We all have them. Some more than others, but we all have them.” Ali explains._

 

_Ashlyn’s tears begin to fall again, and she refuses to look at Ali. She wants to let Ali’s words be comforting to her, but the guilt and shame continue to consume her. “But I just keep screwing up. There’s gotta be a point where it’s too much.”_

 

_“Those things don’t define who you are. I’m not saying that we should allow people who continually hurt or take advantage to keep doing those hurtful things. That type of person_ is _defined by their bad actions. But you aren’t one of those people, Ashlyn. You have so much good in you. More than you probably even know. That’s what makes you worth loving even when you mess up. Again. It’s the reason I can keep loving Kyle through everything, and the reason you won’t ever give up on your parents. You love them. And I love you.”_

 

_“So you forgive me?” Ashlyn chokes out._

 

_“Not yet. But I will.” Ali opens her car door and starts getting out as she speaks. “Nathan probably won’t though.” She adds when she reaches Ashlyn on the other side._

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“We were sort of in the middle of_ something _when you called.” Ali says with a look._

 

_“Oh my god you were having sex!”_

 

_“Well were weren’t all the way there yet, but it was heading that direction.”_

 

_“Wait! You answered the phone during sex?!”_

 

_“Usually people only call in the middle of the night if it’s an emergency, so yes, I answered. And guess what?! It turned out it was a good thing because it was my best friend calling from JAIL!”_

 

_“Well that explains your appearance.”_

 

_“What does that mean?”_

 

_“You look like you haven’t brushed your hair in days.”_

 

_“Like you can talk about appearance. Can you even see out of your right eye?”_

 

_Ashlyn and Ali both laugh as they make their way inside, calm finally settling between them. When they get inside, Ali throws a clean t-shirt at Ashlyn who is leaning against the counter in her kitchen. Ashlyn pulls her shirt off right there, and puts the new one on, as Ali gets an ice pack from the freezer and wraps it in a towel. She gently presses it against Ashlyn’s swollen eye._

 

_“I knew you weren’t wearing a bra.” Ashlyn smirks._

 

_“Ashlyn!” Ali scolds, lightly smacking Ashlyn’s arm with the back of her hand._

 

_“What?” Ashlyn says with a devilish grin. “It was a little_ nippy _outside don’t you think?”_

 

_“You better watch it or I’ll take you home right now and wake up Kelley.” Ali warns._

 

_Ashlyn just laughs and holds her hands up to say she’ll drop it._

 

_“You really scared me, Ash.” Ali says, her tone serious._

 

_“I’m sorry, Ali. I didn’t mean to put you through this.”_

 

_“What about you?”_

 

_Ashlyn looks at her like she doesn’t understand what she means._

 

_“What about what you put yourself through?”_

 

_“Oh.” Ashlyn says sadly._

 

_“I just want you to care about yourself, too.”_

 

Christen starts to get up after Ali exits the table but Kelley shakes her head not to.

 

“You really got arrested?” Alex asks Ashlyn.

 

“Unfortunately.” Ashlyn says with a nod.

 

“What for?”

 

“Bar fight.” Ashlyn says with a little chuckle. “Which is why I get a turkey straw instead of a wine glass.” She lifts her glass and takes a sip for show.

 

“I just wanted you to feel special.” Kelley says while patting Ashlyn’s hand.

 

“You always do, Kel.” Ashlyn says with a wink.

 

In the bathroom, Ali stands at the sink hyperventilating. She hadn’t intended to bring up something so personal but she spoke without thinking. It would have been one thing to tell the story of the time Ashlyn double booked herself and tried to carry on with two dates at the same time, by keeping them at opposite ends of the bar. That would have been embarrassing, but funny. But instead, she’d brought up something that she knows Ashlyn was incredibly ashamed of. Ali takes another minute to collect herself before making her way back into the kitchen.

 

When she gets there, she leans against the doorframe and watches as everyone helps out. They’re loading the dishwasher and scrubbing things at the sink and putting food into Tupperware.

 

“Does Serv like Brussel sprouts?” Kelley asks Alex.

 

“I’m pretty sure he’ll eat anything so whatever you don’t want to keep you can give to me.” Alex says.

 

“I’m so bummed he couldn’t make it tonight.” Tobin says.

 

“He was too. But I promised we’d host the next game night.”

 

“You guys have a game night?” Christen asks with a sweet smile, clearly finding the idea adorable.

 

“Yeah!” Tobin responds enthusiastically. “You should come some time.”

 

“That sounds really fun.” Christen says looking at Tobin intently.

 

“I don’t mean to bail on all the clean-up,” Alex says as she puts the last of her Tupperware in the canvas tote bag she brought with her. “But I probably shouldn’t leave my husband stranded at the airport.” Alex says with a shrug.

 

“God he’s so needy.” Ashlyn jokes.

 

Alex kisses Ashlyn on the cheek before doing the same to Heather, Kelley and Tobin.

 

“I’m definitely going to call you about that dress.” Alex says giving Christen a hug.

 

“You have my number now so just give me a call and we can meet at Ali’s store!” Christen says excitedly.

 

“I love having a fashion consultant now.” Alex says with a hair flip.

 

She turns and finds Ali in the doorway.

 

“It was really nice to see you again, Alex.” Ali says sincerely. For the first time, Ali notices the giant diamond ring Alex is wearing. She’s a little embarrassed for thinking so negatively earlier, and she hopes Alex didn’t pick up on too much of it.

 

Alex offers her a wide smile and hugs her tightly. “Okay, I’m out of here. Love you guys!” Alex calls over her shoulder as she makes her way out.

 

“What else can I do, Kel?” Christen asks.

 

“Nothing. You already did a ton of work getting ready and Alex took all the food so I’m good.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”

 

“I guess I’ll call an Uber then. Not that I wouldn’t love to stay and hang out longer but I have an early client meeting tomorrow.” Christen says with disappointment.

 

“I’ve got to head out too,” Tobin says. “I can give you a ride if you want?”

 

“Are you sure?” Christen asks hesitantly.

 

“Totally.”

 

Christen and Tobin both gather their belongings and say goodbye to everyone. Dave and Heather follow a few minutes behind them, leaving Kelley, Ashlyn, and Ali alone in Kelley’s kitchen. Ali has resumed her place at the kitchen table, pulling her feet up onto the chair and resting her head on her knees, her eyes closed. Kelley comes over and rubs Ali’s shoulders gently.

 

“I’m going to have to leave my car here.” Ali mumbles, a little embarrassed.

 

“I know.”

 

“It was good wine.”

 

“Very good.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. Do you just want to sleep here tonight?”

 

“Are you going to be offended if I tell you that all I want right now is my own bed?” Ali asks finally opening her eyes and looking up at her friend.

 

“Horribly.” Kelley says. “I’m not sure we’ll ever recover.”

 

“I’ll risk it.” Ali says cracking a smile as Kelley pretends to look shocked.

 

“I can give you a ride.” Ashlyn says quietly from behind the pair.

 

“Oh.” Ali says awkwardly. “No, it’s okay.”

 

“It’s actually not a bad idea, Ali. You guys are practically neighbors.”

 

“Please let me give you a ride?” Ashlyn offers again.

 

“Yeah. Okay.”

 

Ali is drunker than she thought. First she struggles getting her boots on, and then she tries to leave without her jacket. When she goes back for her jacket, she leaves her purse. When she finally has everything, she nearly loses her balance trying to climb into Ashlyn’s Jeep. Luckily, Ashlyn was behind her and offered a hand to steady herself.

 

They don’t speak for most of the drive, but Ali stares at Ashlyn the whole way. Ashlyn tries hard to ignore it, but she feels Ali’s eyes on her the whole time. When they get to Ali’s house, Ashlyn comes around to help Ali out of the car. At her front door, Ali digs around for her keys for a few minutes before Ashlyn grabs her bag and pulls them out for her and unlocks the door. She’s ready to turn around and leave when Ali stops her.

 

“Will you come in a minute?”

 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

 

“Please?”

 

Ashlyn nods reluctantly and follows Ali inside. As they walk from the living room into the kitchen, Ashlyn notices the familiar barstools at Ali’s breakfast bar.

 

“Are these—“

 

“Yeah.” Ali says with a small smile.

 

“How do you have these?” Ashlyn is wearing a small smile of her own as she runs a hand over the top of the barstool she once stole.

 

“I actually found them at the sale I was coming back from the day of the accident. The bar closed down and sold a bunch of their stuff.”

 

“Why did you buy them?”

 

“Nostalgia I guess.”

 

Ali walks to the other side of breakfast bar into the kitchen and goes to get two glasses down for water. Ashlyn takes them from her and fills them.

 

“Look, Ashlyn, I know you might not believe this, but I’m sorry for what I said at dinner. Like, really sorry. Really, really sorry. I just wasn’t thinking and I don’t even know why I was thinking about that. That’s not an excuse but it’s a thing I guess and I’m really sorry so I just wanted you to know that.” Ali rambles.

 

“Thank you for apologizing. But it’s a mistake I made and if I had never been arrested I wouldn’t have to try and hide it from anyone. I’ve got to own my mistakes.”

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up over them forever.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

Ali laughs. “Yeah, okay.” She says sarcastically.

 

“What do you know?” Ashlyn says with a little bite.

 

“I have eyeballs, Ashlyn. I saw the look on your face. I _know_ that look.”

 

“You used to maybe, but you don’t know anything about me now.”

 

“Oh please!” Ali says, rolling her eyes. “You aren’t as different as you think you are.”

 

“Neither are you!”

 

The pair glare at each other, hearts racing, and cheeks flushed. It’s Ashlyn who takes a step closer, and Ali whose glace darts down to Ashlyn’s lips. Suddenly, Ashlyn wraps an arm around Ali’s waist and pulls her in fiercely. Ali’s hands quickly find the back of Ashlyn’s neck as their lips meet. It’s hungry and aggressive and passionate. There’s no slow build or tenderness, just lips and tongues and roaming hands. They kiss like this for a few minutes before Ali pulls away, shaking her head.

 

“I can’t do this. I’m not going to sleep with you.” Her tone is once again angry.

 

“Ha!” Ashlyn barks out. “You thought I was going to sleep with you?! Cute.”

 

Ali stares Ashlyn down, then slowly presses her body into Ashlyn’s again. Every move is slow and deliberate as Ashlyn watches her. She brings their lips close but without touching, leaning back every time Ashlyn tries to close the distance. Then she moves her lips to Ashlyn’s ear, and lets out a soft moan before kissing down her neck and back up her jaw.

 

“Try me, Harris.” Ali whispers into Ashlyn ear again.

 

Ashlyn can’t stand it and pulls back so she can look into Ali’s eyes again. Ali smirks and Ashlyn crashes their lips together again. As they kiss, even more heated than before, Ashlyn grabs Ali by the waist and lifts her onto the counter. Ali parts her legs so Ashlyn can stand between them as she begins kissing down her neck to her collar bones. Ashlyn runs her hands under Ali’s shirt and up her sides, feeling the soft skin break out in goosebumps at the contact. She kisses her lips again, but it’s only a moment before Ali throws her head back in laughter.

 

“Ha!” She laughs out. “You thought I was going to sleep with you? Cute.” She parrots Ashlyn’s words back to her. Then she pushes her away and hops off the counter.

 

“I knew this was a bad idea.” Ashlyn practically growls. “You just love fucking with me. It’s always been a game to you.”

 

“What the hell does that mean?”

 

“You used to hold my hand, or lay your head on my shoulder. Crawl in bed with me. Even though you knew how I felt about you. You just couldn’t say no to the attention. You liked to watch me squirm.”

 

“That’s not what it was like!”

 

“Then what was it like, Ali?”

 

“I don’t know, okay?! I don’t know what you want me to say!”

 

“I don’t buy any of this. You’ve been back a year and a half and you couldn’t look me up? Yet for some reason, right now, you want to make out?!”

 

“I didn’t know you wanted me too!” Ali yells as her tears fall relentlessly.

 

“Excuse me?!”

 

“How was I supposed to know you wanted me to come looking for you? You hadn’t said a fucking word to me in five years, Ash! You go and get your shit together but you don’t need me anymore!”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ashlyn’s voice is low and quiet.

 

“I always thought once you got better, you’d call.”

 

“You don’t get to say that! You don’t get to be mad at me! _You_ left _me_ , Ali!” Ashlyn breaks into a sob as her heart shatters into a million pieces all over again. “You _left_ me.”

 

Ali is crying harder now. She wants to wrap her arms around Ashlyn and hold her while she cries. She wants to make it better but she knows she can’t.

 

“Why did you leave?” Ashlyn sobs.

 

“I—I can’t—“ Ali tries but can’t seem to find an answer.

 

Ashlyn sucks in a deep breath and stops her tears, angrily wiping at her eyes.

 

“You know what? Fuck this.”

 

And with that she turns, and walks out the front door, slamming it shut behind her. Ali sinks down to the floor right where she stood, and breaks, crying so hard she can’t even make a sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a little like I should apologize for this one, but I don't know, you guys let me know what you think.
> 
> Favorite parts? Thoughts? Feelings? Questions?
> 
> Do you think Ali's anger is justified? What about Ash? How do you think they'll get on the same page?


	7. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient! Thank you for reading and commenting! 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

Ali spends the next hour bawling on her kitchen floor. Her emotions range from sadness and hurt, to complete rage, before she finally settles on guilt and frustration. There’s something else trying to burn from within her, but she refuses to acknowledge it, doing her best to smother the flames.

 

Ashlyn sits outside of Ali’s house in her Jeep for 20 minutes before she gets her mind right enough to drive. She’s angry with herself for asking _that_ question, the one she’s spent years trying to figure out, but swore she’d never ask. Ashlyn has always been an emotional person, feeling everything in a big way, with her emotions often swallowing her up. In recent years, she’d grown to hate crying. It isn’t that crying made her feel weak, but it reminded her of the times when she cried so hard she couldn’t stop. When she thought she might never stop. She’d worked so hard to get away from those days, and the tears currently stinging at her eyes without her consent, feel like a threat. Ashlyn is outraged that Ali even suggested that it was her who should have reached out. Ali was the one who did the leaving, so she was the one who needed to do the finding. Somehow, she feels that Ali has betrayed her and it hurts. She opens up her wallet and pulls out a folded sheet of paper, reading it quickly before shoving it away and heading back home.

 

On Monday, Ali refuses to get out of bed. Kelley calls and offers to take her to lunch, and then back to her house so she can pick up her car, but Ali declines. She tells her she’ll come by tomorrow after work instead. Kelley hears a tone in Ali’s voice that she had hoped was long gone.

 

That evening, Christen let’s herself into Ali’s house, finding all of the lights off. She thinks for a moment that maybe Ali isn’t there, but she has no car, and no plans that she knew of. She moves through the house turning on lights as she goes until she gets to Ali’s bedroom. She knocks lightly on the door but doesn’t wait for an answer before pushing it open.

 

“Hey, Ali? Sweetie?”

 

Ali groans.

 

“I’m turning the light on.”

 

Ali groans and throws an arm over her face to avoid the glaring light. Christen climbs into bed next to Ali, sitting atop the blankets, her back against the headboard.

 

“Do you want to tell me what happened with Ashlyn?” Christen asks.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Ashlyn called Kelley.”

 

“I don’t know what happened.”

 

“Well you need to figure it out because you cannot just lay in bed avoiding your problems.”

 

“I know that.” Ali says a little defensively.

 

“I’m really serious, Ali.” Christen’s tone is gentle but firm. “You did this already. You ran away and fell apart and let the darkness consume you. And then you made it out and you worked hard and you started living a life you were actually _interested_ in. You’re beyond this now.”

 

“Yeah, no thanks to her.” Ali grumbles, finally sitting up in bed.

 

“I don’t get it.” Christen says in genuine bewilderment. “Why are you so angry with her?”

 

Ali sighs and takes a long minute to collect her thoughts.

 

“I didn’t leave to hurt her. I never wanted that. And I thought that, someday, when she got her shit together, she’d realize that. I thought that she’d realize that that was the only reason I left and know that I cared about her, and that she might care about me again too. She’d want to know how I was. I thought she’d miss me.”

 

“How do you know she didn’t?”

 

“She never tried.” Ali says in an almost whisper.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“She didn’t call, or write, or anything. She just let me walk away. It’s like she didn’t care at all.”

 

Christen starts to understand. Ali’s hurt ran deep, stemming from the aftermath of that first heart-wrenching decision she made all those years ago. Suddenly, Ali’s despair in the days and months after she arrived in Germany made more sense. Ali hadn’t just been missing her best friend, she felt unwanted. Whether it was right or wrong for her to feel that way, Ali had needed Ashlyn to fight for her.

 

“Ashlyn wrote to me every few weeks the whole time I was living in Paris.” Christen admits.

 

Ali isn’t quite she how to respond. She stares at her friend in disbelief.

 

“Why?”

 

“She overheard Kelley and Tobin talking about you after Kelley came back from her first visit to you. They were really worried about you. Kelley was crying. They had agreed not to talk to Ashlyn about it because they were worried she would do something crazy like sell her car to buy a ticket to Germany. Before I left, she asked me if I would let her know if you were okay. I really wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with it, but- _God! Ali!_ You should have seen the look on her face! She cared. I promise you she cared.”

 

“So she could keep tabs on me, but she wouldn’t talk to me? How does that make any sense?” Ali bites out.

 

“Ali!” Christen scolds. She’s surprised that Ali has refused to soften. “I know you’re frustrated, okay? I really do get it. I understand why you would want her to reach out to you, and how the fact that she didn’t was really hurtful. Once there was nothing standing in her way anymore, you not being in her life became a choice. That must feel awful. But you still aren’t right.”

 

“Excuse me?!”

 

“You aren’t right on this one.”

 

“You think I’m wrong.” Ali states.

 

“No, I think you’re not right. It’s a gray area. But I do think it’s totally unfair of you to be so angry with Ashlyn when you’re the one who left. She did exactly what you asked of her, you told her to work on herself and she did. Now you’re punishing her.”

 

“I’m not punishing her! She’s been just as nasty to me!” Ali argues.

 

“It didn’t start out that way. She came to see you after the accident because she wanted to make sure you were okay.” Christen counters.

 

“Who’s side are you on?!”

 

“I’m on yours. I am always on your side. Even when I’m not on your side, I’m on your side.”

 

“Then why can’t you just let me have my feelings?”

 

“Ali.” Christen says looking Ali in the eyes, and taking one hand into both of hers. “You can have your feelings. If you want to talk or cry or yell, then we can do that. I am right here for you. But what you _can’t_ do is hurt people, yourself included, because of those feelings.”

 

Ali’s eyes fill with tears as she stares at Christen.

 

“What is it?”

 

Ali can only shake her head.

 

“It’s okay. What’s going on in that brilliant, stubborn mind of yours?”

 

“It was my fault.” Ali says as her tears start falling.

 

“What do you mean? What was your fault?”

 

“Nathan told me I was holding her back. I was just enabling her and that I was making her problems worse. He was right. I left and they all went away and I don’t blame her for not wanting to find me when she’s better off without. It hurts and I’m so angry with myself for thinking it could be anything different.” Ali gets out between quiet sobs.

 

“Oh sweetie.” Christen says with a sad smile. “You’ve got this so twisted. That isn’t what it was like at all. This was five years of hard work for Ashlyn to get where she is now. It isn’t like you walked away and the clouds lifted and everything was okay and she’s been living some perfect life without you. Honestly, to think that way takes away the credit she deserves for what she’s done. And please don’t let anything Nate ever said to you have any weight. He said those things to hurt and manipulate you. He was really threatened by her.”

 

“How can you be so sure? Don’t tell me you had a secret friendship with her this whole time too.” Ali groans.

 

“I didn’t. But I’ve talked with Kelley a lot about it. And remember, I was around for a year after you left. I saw things.”

 

“What kinds of things?”

 

“That’s not more story to tell.  If you want to know, you have to stop pretending like you hate her to avoid what you’re really feeling, and have a real conversation with her.”

 

“What does that mean?! ‘What I’m really feeling’?!”

 

“You know exactly what it means.” Christen says rolling her eyes. “Now put some real clothes on because we’re going to dinner and then to Kelley’s to get your car.”

 

*****

 

Ali takes Christen’s advice and stops feeling sorry for herself, but she doesn’t reach out to Ashlyn. She throws herself into her work, focusing on the one year anniversary event at the shop and nothing else. When the big weekend arrives, Ali is absolutely exhausted, but everything is a huge success. Saturday night of the event, Ali holds a reception with wine and hors d’oeuvres, and it’s the first time she’s really talked to any of her friends since Monday.

 

She isn’t surprised to see Christen and Kelley, but she’s taken aback when Alex and Tobin walk in with them. Alex had come to look at the dresses Christen has told her about at Friendsgiving, and Tobin just wanted to tag along. Ali is so busy with customers that she doesn’t have a lot of time to stress out about what the unexpected guests might be thinking about her after Ashlyn had undoubtedly filled them in on what happened.

 

“You’re really done with all your Christmas shopping?” Tobin asks Kelley as she sniffs a candle from the display. She wrinkles her nose at the one in her hand before setting it down and reaching for another.

 

“Everyone except for Ash.” Kelley replies. “She’s got me stumped this year.”

 

Ali has heard the conversation from behind them, and reaches for the leather wallet Ashlyn had been admiring when she had come to get Kelley’s chair.

 

“Here.” Ali holds the wallet out to Kelley.  Kelley looks at her questioningly.

 

“For Ashlyn. She was admiring it before she figured out this was my store. I promise she’ll like it.”

 

Kelley nods appreciatively and takes the wallet while she continues to browse. Tobin finally finds a candle she likes and follows Ali up to the register.

 

“So I’m hosting game night on Thursday.” Tobin states while handing over her debit card.

 

“That’ll be fun.” Ali replies.

 

“It will be. It would be really cool if you wanted to come.”

 

“Oh.” Ali says, focusing a little too much on wrapping the candle.

 

“Just think about it?”

 

“I will. But I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

“Ashlyn won’t be there.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“No pressure, buddy. But it would be great if you joined. You’re welcome any time.”

 

“Thanks, Tobin. I promise I’ll think about it.”

 

Ali hands Tobin her bag and she goes to find Christen and Kelley.

 

The rest of the evening goes well with Alex buying nearly everything Christen shows her, and Kelley getting the wallet for Ashlyn, which Ali carefully gift wraps for her. Sunday is just as busy at the shop, and Ali has record breaking sales. She’s happy to know she’ll end her first year well, but she has trouble enjoying it fully. With the distraction of the sale coming to an end, Ali’s mind drifts back to Ashlyn, standing in her kitchen, their bodies pressed close together. She can’t help but feel her soft lips on her own as she sits at her laptop, entering the day’s sales. When the image of Ashlyn, tears in her eyes and despair in her voice, floods Ali’s memory, she feels like she might throw up. Maybe Christen is right, maybe she needs to talk to Ashlyn. Better yet, maybe she needs to listen.

 

*****

 

“So what do we want to play? How many people do we have?” Heather asks, looking through the stack of games.

 

“I think it’ll be five of us.” Tobin says. “Unless Ali decides to show up and then it’ll be six.”

 

“Guess that means Scrabble is out.” Kelley says moving the box to a different pile.

 

“Ashlyn isn’t coming?” Alex asks.

 

“No, she’s going out with Amanda tonight.” Heather says with a slight eye-roll.

 

“Like as in a date?” Alex asks, surprise apparent on her face.

 

“Yeah, it’s like the third time this week.” Heather responds.

 

“I thought she wasn’t really interested in her. Didn’t she end things a couple of months ago?” Alex wonders.

 

“She did.” Tobin chimes in. “But I guess she changed her mind this week.”

 

“Is Amanda the one who looks just like A—” Christen starts to ask.

 

“Ali!” Kelley cuts her off quickly. “You made it!”

 

“Hey, man.” Tobin greets Ali with a high-five. “I’m glad you decided to come.”

 

Ali offers a small smile, still feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing. Christen had called and basically pleaded with her to come, insisting that it had actually been Heather’s idea to invite her.

 

“You can sit next to me!” Christen says with a grin, patting the couch next to her.

 

“I didn’t think you were here yet, Chris. I didn’t see your car outside.” Ali says.

 

“Oh, yeah, I brought some more things for Alex and Tobin let me park in her garage so I didn’t have to carry it all through the rain. It was pouring when I got here.”

 

“How chivalrous.” Kelley mutters. Tobin smacks her lightly on the arm at the comment.

 

The group plays a couple rounds of The Resistance before the doorbell rings and Tobin goes to get the pizza they ordered for dinner. Christen gets up and heads to the kitchen, getting plates and cups down from the cupboards and putting them on the counter. Ali offers to make the salad, so Christen gets her the cutting board and knife, while Ali rummages through the fridge to find what she needs. Soon everyone has gathered in the kitchen, chatting and laughing and helping where they can to get everything setup.

 

“ _Ow! Shit!_ ” Ali cries out in pain. She immediately drops the knife and clutches her left index finger in her right hand.

 

Alex rushes over to take a look, prompting Ali to open her hand, which is now covered in blood from her sliced fingertip.

 

“Tobs, can you hand me a paper towel and grab your first aid kit for me?” Alex asks.

 

“I’ll get the first aid kit!” Christen offers, rushing off down the hall. Tobin hands Alex the paper towel and she quickly wraps it around Ali’s finger.

 

“It’s a good slice, but I don’t think you need stitches. We’ll just wrap this sucker up and you’ll be good to go.” Alex says with a reassuring smile.

 

“Thanks, Alex. I didn’t know how handy it would be to have a nurse for a friend.” Ali says back. Alex looks absolutely tickled that Ali has called her a friend and the two share a brief, but sincere smile.

 

“That’s the only reason these fools keep me around.” Alex jokes.

 

“Not true!” Heather scoffs. “I keep you around because you’re pretty. I’m a paramedic, I don’t need you.”

 

“Everyone remember this if HAO ever falls unconscious in my presence.” Alex says to the room.

 

By this time, Christen has returned with the first aid kit, and Alex is working on bandaging Ali’s finger. Tobin finishes the salad, tossing the tomato that Ali had bled on, and puts it next to the pizza.

 

“Those of you with all ten fingers can go ahead and dig in.” Tobin teases.

 

“Cute, Heath.” Ali says, narrowing her eyes at her.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Ali leaves game night conflicted. She’s had the best time and can see herself really becoming good friends with both Alex and Heather, and she loves reconnecting with Tobin too. But she still feels like the outsider who has to prove herself, and she knows where loyalties will lie if she can’t find a way to reconcile with Ashlyn.

 

Before crawling into bed that night, Ali pulls the box from her closet and sits on floor sifting through it. Photos and ticket stubs and hand-written notes from the good days. The truth was, game night made her miss Ashlyn more than she has in a while. So many of her memories lately have been colored with anguish, but tonight she was reminded only of Ashlyn’s sense of humor, or the way she throws her head back when she thinks something is really funny, and how competitive she gets even over silly games. Ashlyn was there tonight in each of her friends, Ali easily identifying why each person is important to Ashlyn.

 

Tobin is laid back, but she’s also a thinker. She’s the person Ashlyn goes to when she wants to just be. The two can sit and talk about grand ideas for hours, or they might just sit side by side, listening to music as Ashlyn sketches and Tobin paints. Heather is the hard worker. The person who truly understands Ashlyn’s drive and competitive nature. She’s the one who can talk Ashlyn down when her need to do better, _be_ better, starts to consume her. But she’s also be the one who will demand Ashlyn do more if she knows she can. Alex is Ashlyn’s wife. The one who offers nothing but affection and support, and gives Ashlyn someone to take care of. It’s easy for Ashlyn to put a smile on Alex’s face, but it goes both ways. Alex is always there with a ‘how was your day?’ or ‘text me when you get home.’ And Ashlyn is always there to tell Alex that she’s smart and kind, and wonderful and to never forget it.

 

Spending the evening with these people, and seeing how they all fit together, made Ali miss Ashlyn, so that night she sits on her floor trying to feel close to her again.

 

*****

 

A few weeks later, Ashlyn goes back to Satellite Beach for Christmas. She’s finally taking official vacation time, and stays for three full weeks. Her cousin and his wife welcome their first baby just after the new year, and Ashlyn instantly falls in love with the little boy. She spends some time with her parents but she’s still rebuilding those relationships, so she stays the three weeks with her grandmother. Her and her brother Chris spend time working on the house, making necessary repairs, and deep cleaning every room in the house. Her grandmother lives alone now, and uses a walker to get around, so doing things around the house isn’t just difficult, it’s dangerous. Ashlyn tries to convince Chris to move in fulltime, but he’s still on the fence about it when she leaves on January Tenth.

 

Since Ali’s parents divorced and remarried, Ali alternates where she spends Christmas and New Year’s each year. This year was Christmas with her dad and New Year’s with her mom. Ali enjoys being at home with her brother and the family dog, going for long walks every morning or evening, and carrying out every family tradition she can remember. She head’s back home early on January Second, to get back to her shop, and start preparing for the class she would be teaching in just over a week.

 

Ali nervously rushes into the building at the community college, looking around wildly as she tries to get her bearings. When she finally finds the classroom number she’s looking for, she’s surprised to find a man sitting behind a podium, running through a power point presentation for College Algebra I.

 

“Um, excuse me?” Ali asks.

 

The man looks at her but doesn’t say anything.

 

“Hi, I’m Ali Krieger. I was told this would be my classroom for German I.”

 

“Oh.” He says, entirely uninterested. “Here.” He hands her a half-sheet of paper.

 

“Uh, thanks.” Ali says, taking the paper. She reads the handwritten note in Kelley’s small, neat print.

 

_Hey Ali!_

_Good luck on your first day! It’s going to be awesome! We had to shuffle around some classrooms last minute so you’re going to be in building B, room 103. Sorry for the mix up. Call me later and let me know how it went!_

_XO_

_Kelley_

 

Ali sighs and hustles back outside to find building B and get to her classroom before her students start arriving. She’s a little confused when she walks into the building and all the walls are plastered with posters about the EMT and Paramedic program. She passes by a classroom that has quite a bit of equipment laid out, and another with CPR dummies. Finally, she finds her classroom, and is relieved that it appears to be a standard classroom with a podium and a six-foot table in the front, along with about 30 desks. She quickly gets to work setting up her laptop to show her power point lesson, and carefully organizing her hand-outs on the six-foot table.

 

As the students come in, she greets each of them in German, asking them questions to try and engage with them right away, while also getting a feel for how much they know coming into the class. There are about fifteen students, and ten of them are high schoolers. Two are college-aged kids, just filling their language requirement, and the last three are middle-aged women. Ali is pleased with the class size and make up and enthusiastically starts her lesson.

 

About halfway through the class, Ali hands out a multiple-choice quiz to see what her students already know, reassuring the class that they’ll get points for completing the quiz, and not for whether their answers are correct. Suddenly, blaring music fills the room, coming from the classroom across the hall. Ali goes to close the door, but it does little muffle the sound. When the song ends and another one begins, Ali can’t stand it anymore and excuses herself a moment, and all but storms into the classroom across the hall.

 

“Excuse me!” She calls over the noise.

 

A student from the back of the room throws a crumpled-up piece of paper to the front. She follows its path, watching as it reaches the front of the room and an outstretched hand catches it. Sitting cross-legged on the table in the front of the room is Ashlyn Harris. She opens the paper and reads it out loud.

 

“Oooh! Good question! Two minutes on the clock! GO!” She yells and presses the timer on her phone beside her.

 

“Excuse me!” Ali tries again.

 

“Hey, Harris?” A guy in the front row says to Ashlyn.

 

She looks at him expectantly and he points at Ali, standing angrily in the doorway.

 

“Yes?” She says looking at Ali.

 

“Would it be possible for you to turn your music down? I’ve got a classroom full of students taking a quiz right now and they’d like to be able to learn something besides the lyrics to whatever this garbage is.”

 

“A quiz on the first day? Harsh.” Ashlyn says, the students in her class laughing at her response.

 

“Ugh!” Ali huffs. “Could we speak a moment in the hallway?” Ali says through gritted teeth and a forced smile.

 

“You can have until I get back to answer the question.” Ashlyn directs at the class. “Apparently, Ms. Krieger needs to see me in hallway.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes, eliciting another laugh from her students.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Ali snaps as soon as Ashlyn follows her into the hall.

 

“What am _I_ doing? You came into my classroom, remember?”

 

“I came to ask you to please turn your music down because you’re being disrespectful to my students. You didn’t have to make fun of me in front of your whole class.”

 

“You could have asked nicely instead of coming at me with that attitude.”

 

“Fine.” Ali huffs. “Will you please turn down your music?”

 

“See? Was that really so hard?” Ashlyn asks with a patronizing grin.

 

“You are insufferable!”

 

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got a class to teach. If you need anything else, you can visit me during my office hours after class.” With that, Ashlyn turns and heads back into her classroom, waving over her shoulder as she pulls the door shut behind her.

 

Ali returns to her classroom, cheeks flushed with her frustration. She doesn’t even notice that Ashlyn has turned the music down.

 

After class, Ali feels guilty about the exchange with Ashlyn. She hadn’t seen her in six weeks, since Friendsgiving, but she’d spent a lot of time thinking about how she wanted to move forward. Picking a stupid fight was definitely not part of the plan. Although she knew Ashlyn hadn’t meant it, Ali decides to stop by her office after class. She sees the guy from Ashlyn’s class who had finally gotten her attention and stops him.

 

“Can you tell me where Ms. Harris’ office is please?” She asks.

 

“It’s just ‘Harris’, but yeah. End of the hall on the left.”

 

“Thank you.” Ali says, turning in the direction he had pointed.

 

She finds the small office and can see Ashlyn sitting at her desk through the window in the door. She knocks hesitantly and waits until Ashlyn nods before entering.

 

“Wow.” Ali says looking around, “What’s a girl got to do to get her own office around here?” Ali tries to keep the mood light.

 

“It’s not really an office so much as it’s a closet with a desk that they let me keep a few pictures on. Technically they call it my office, but there are three other teachers who use it for meetings.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“Well I love what you’ve done with the place.” Ali says picking up a small rubber shark sitting next to a picture frame. Ali turns the frame to look, finding a sweet picture of Ashlyn and her grandmother sitting at a table outside, with a gorgeous beach view behind them. Ashlyn turns the picture back.

 

“What do you need, Ali?” Ashlyn asks. Her tone is serious, but not cold.

 

“That’s a really good question.” Ali takes a step back, suddenly feeling like she made a big mistake.

 

Ashlyn stares at her expectantly.

 

“I was hoping we could talk. It looks like we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other so we might as well try and make the best of it right?”

 

“So you want to talk just so you don’t have to feel weird when we’re both here?”

 

“No.”

 

“What do you want then?”

 

“I want—”

 

Ali is cut off when a woman about her same height throws the door open. She has an athletic build, with, long, dark hair and brown eyes. She walks right up to Ashlyn behind the desk and leans against it. She wraps an arm around Ashlyn’s neck and pulls her in for a kiss. Ashlyn looks surprised and more than a little uncomfortable.

 

“Hi baby!” The woman says with a huge smile.

 

“Hi, Amanda.” Ashlyn forces a smile.

 

“I brought you dinner. Tacos from your fave!”

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn takes the bag and sets it on her desk. “Uh, Amanda, this is Ali Krieger.”

 

“Oh! Oh my goodness!” The brunette giggles. “I didn’t even see you there!”

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Ali offers her hand to the woman, who shakes it half-heartedly. “I should get going. You guys enjoy your dinner.”

 

“Don’t leave on my account.” Amanda says before turning back to Ashlyn, placing her hands on her Ash’s cheeks. “I just wanted to bring you dinner on my way to cross fit because I missed you.” She leans in and kisses her again. She tries to let it linger but Ashlyn pulls back.

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Call me when you leave, I’ll come by your place tonight.” Amanda pulls off the desk and turns to leave.

 

“It was nice to meet you Hallie!” She says to Ali. “Bye baby!” Amanda blows Ashlyn a kiss before pulling the door closed behind her.

 

“I should go.” Ali says quietly, turning away.

 

“Please don’t.”

 

There is a long silence between them. Ali looks around the room a moment, but eventually lets her eyes meet Ashlyn’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> Do you think Christen was telling Ali what she needed to hear, or being too harsh? Is Ali finally coming around? Do you think Ali and Ashlyn will finally talk? How do you think it will go if they do?
> 
> Let me know!


	8. Locked Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience on this one! I hope it doens't disappoint. This chapter does discuss alcoholism briefly, so head's up for anyone who needs it. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

Ali is anchored to the spot. She can’t bring herself to walk away from Ashlyn again, not when she had said those words. “ _Please don’t_.” She couldn’t leave now. Maybe not ever.

 

“Okay.” Ali says, searching Ashlyn’s eyes for answers.

 

“We can talk.” Ashlyn says. She sounds nervous.

 

“How long are your office hours?”

 

“I’m here until eight.”

 

“We should probably meet up later, you might—“ But Ali is cut off again by a knock on the door. Ali looks briefly towards the door before looking back to Ashlyn to gage her reaction. She’s smiling at the girl waving at her through the window in the door.

 

Ashlyn nods the girl in. She looks like she can’t be more than 22, with her bright blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. Ali is amazed by how much she reminds her of a younger Ashlyn.

 

“Why weren’t you in my class, Campbell?” Ashlyn asks, pretending to be stern with the girl.

 

The young woman laughs and holds out a form to Ashlyn. She looks to Ali with a nod and a smile before focusing back on Ashlyn.

 

“That’s why I’m here! There was a small scheduling conflict but I’m hoping to fix that right now.”

 

Ashlyn looks over the Add/Drop form in front of her and grabs a pen, signing it carefully before handing it back.

 

“Alright, there you go. But you better be there early next week to make up for today.”

 

“Oh, sure thing, Harris.”

 

Ashlyn grabs a syllabus from a folder on her desk, and a hand out from another.

 

“This class works the same as the last. Do the reading or you’re screwed.” She says handing the girl the papers.

 

“Got it.” She nods. “Thank you.”

 

“I’m glad you’re going to be the class, Jane.”

 

“Me too. I’ll see you next Monday, Teach.” Jane says with a smile. She takes her papers and heads for the door, mumbling another goodbye on her way out.

 

Ali couldn’t keep the smile off her face watching the exchange. There was something very sweet in the way the pair interacted.

 

“Well someone wants to be Ashlyn Harris when she grows up.” Ali says with a grin.

 

Ashlyn just rolls her eyes in response.

 

“Come on, Ash. It’s obvious she looks up to you. I bet you’re a great mentor.”

 

“How would you know?” Ashlyn asks with a little more bite than she intended. The smile slides right off of Ali’s face.

 

“Sorry.” Ali mutters.

 

Ashlyn feels bad. Ali is right. It was pretty obvious that Jane looked up to her, and Ashlyn had made a concerted effort to take the girl under her wing. Everyone in the program would be asked to start shadowing in a couple of months, and Jane had already asked if she could ride along with Ashlyn and Heather.

 

“I have to admit she reminds me a little of myself. A little impulsive, loves a challenge. Tell her she can’t do something and she’ll prove you wrong. Of course, she’s got her head on right and doesn’t make stupid, reckless decisions like I did when I was her age. She’s one of the only girls in the program right now and she’s killing it. I really want to see her be successful.” Ashlyn explains, trying to make Ali feel better.

 

“I can’t say for sure, but it seems like she has a good role model in you.” Ali tries again.

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says, blushing slightly.

 

“Do you want to come over to my place?” Ali rushes out.

 

“That, uh, didn’t go so well las time.”

 

“I know.” Ali says letting out a deep breath. “But that’s exactly why I’m asking. I really want to talk to you but you need to be available to your students right now and I think it would be a good idea to be somewhere that we can speak… _freely_.”

 

“Okay. It can’t be worse than the last time, right?” Ashlyn says.

 

“Please don’t tempt fate.”

 

“Sorry.” She smiles at Ali. “So should I just come over when I’m done here?”

 

“Oh, um, yeah.” Ali says, a little unsure.

 

“I thought you wanted me to come over?’ Ashlyn is a little frustrated at the mixed signals she seems to be getting.

 

“I do.”

 

“Then why do you sound like you don’t?”

 

“What about Amanda?” Ali asks.

 

“Amanda? What does she have to do with this?” Ashlyn asks, perplexed.

 

“She said she was going over to your place tonight.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, she only mentioned that the first time when she was here. We didn’t actually make plans. I’ll call her.” Ashlyn sounds a little irritated with the other woman.

 

“Alright then. Just come over when you finish up.”

 

Ashlyn nods. Ali is halfway out the door when she hears Ashlyn’s voice behind her.

 

“See you soon, Al.”

 

***

 

_Al._ It was a pretty common shortening of her name, but no one said it quite like Ashlyn did. After she left for Germany, she even asked friends and family not to use the nickname. When she introduced herself to new people she’d say _, “Ali, Alex, Alexandra. Call me anything but Al.”_ When Ashlyn had said it, it was like she was speaking to someone inside of Ali who had been asleep for the past five years. Suddenly she was wide awake and terrified.

 

Ali’s phone ringing over the Bluetooth in her car shakes her from her thoughts.

 

“Hey, Kel.” She answers distractedly.

 

“How did the first day of class go, Ms. Krieger?” Kelley asks excitedly.

 

“Good.” Ali responds.

 

“Good?”

 

“Well, actually.”

 

Kelley waits a few seconds to respond.

 

“Well actually what?” Kelley asks.

 

“No, I mean I should have said ‘well.’ As in, the class went well.”

 

“Oh, good.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything again.

 

“Are you sure it went well? You seem off. I thought you’d be really excited.”

 

“I was. I am. I’m just a little distracted right now.”

 

“Do you want to call me a little later?”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“You can’t.” Kelley repeats, confused.

 

“Ashlyn is coming over. Did you do that on purpose?”

 

“Wait, what? She’s coming over to your place? Did I do what on purpose?"

 

“Change the classroom.”

 

“Yes, but not for the reason you think. Building C is closed currently and so we had to find places for everyone to go. I knowingly put you in that room but it was the best classroom available, and I only didn’t warn you because I didn’t want to freak you out on your first day. I figured you two would be so focused on teaching your own classes that you wouldn’t pay much attention to the other.” Kelley explains.

 

“Turns out she has some rather unconventional teaching methods that include loud music and throwing things, and it was a little distracting for my students. I had to go in there and tell her to keep it down.” Ali recounts.

 

“I’m sorry, Ali. That definitely sounds like Ashlyn.” Kelley says with a light laugh. “So how does this turn into her coming over?”

 

“Well, when I confronted her about the noise it didn’t go as well as it could have so I went to her office after class to try and clear things up. I asked her if we could talk and after a couple of interruptions we decided it would probably better to do it somewhere else.”

 

“Are you ready?” Kelley asks.

 

“Absolutely not. But I need to try.”

 

“I’m really glad you guys are finally communicating.”

 

“We’ll see about that. This whole thing could go horribly and end worse than the last time.”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Kelley says enthusiastically.

 

“I’m really going to try this time. I promise.”

 

“May I make a suggestion?” Kelley asks.

 

“Sure.”

 

“No kissing.”

 

Ali groans. “There definitely won’t be any kissing this time. That was a mistake. But even if I had wanted to, she’s seeing someone.”

 

“She told you about Amanda?” Kelley is surprised.

 

“Not exactly. Amanda dropped by when I was in Ash’s office.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“She seems…” Ali tries to come up with the right word.

 

“Like a lot? Yeah. She is.”

 

“I was going to say something like ‘bubbly’ or ‘has a big personality.’”

 

“She’s like your vapid twin.”

 

“Kelley!” Ali scolds.

 

“Look, if you want to pretend you don’t know _exactly_ why Ashlyn is dating a bad knock-off version of you, go right ahead.” Kelley says.

 

“I get it. She doesn’t need me. Her message has been received, loud and clear. But you don’t need to call Amanda vapid to try make me feel better.”

 

“What? No! Ali, are you serious? How is it possible that you’re both so clueless?!”

 

“Kel, I have to go, I just pulled in and we’re going to disconnect when I turn the car off. I’ll call you back, okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay. Good luck, Ali.”

 

“Love you, Kelley.”

 

“You too.”

 

*****

 

Ali isn’t quite sure what to do with herself while she waits for Ashlyn. She cleans up the living room and kitchen a little bit, but she always keeps those spaces neat and tidy so there isn’t much to do. She goes to her bedroom to change into leggings and a t-shirt instead of the skirt and blouse she had worn for her class. She throws her hair up on top of her head in a messy bun, and then starts cleaning up her bedroom a little. “ _What am I doing?”_ She thinks to herself. _“It’s not like we’ll have a reason to be in here._ ” Yet she doesn’t stop her tidying up. While she likes to keep the main living spaces of her home clean and presentable at all times, she’s a bit more relaxed in the privacy of her bedroom. Books and magazines sit on the night stand, with another stack on the floor beside it. There are random articles of clothing laying on the back of a chair, or draped over the bench at the end of her bed. There are three pairs of shoes by the dresser and her makeup and brushes are strewn about the counter in the bathroom. Ali knows Ashlyn liked to keep her spaces clean and organized, everything having its rightful place. Ali wants to make a good impression.

 

Twenty minutes later, Ali almost misses the light knock on her front door. It appears Ashlyn has changed her clothes as well, ditching her slacks and DC Fire & EMS polo, opting instead for a pair of ripped jeans and a t-shirt still with the DC Fire & EMS emblem on it. She notices when she follows Ashlyn into the living room that the t-shirt has “HARRIS” written in large, white letters on the back.

 

“Guess we both decided on a more casual look for this little get together.” Ali says, nervousness apparent in her voice.

 

“Guess so.” Ashlyn says with her own nervous smile. Ashlyn was trying hard not to think about how beautiful she thought Ali looked with her signature bun and long lashes. Ashlyn is pretty sure Ali could be wearing a paper bag and still look beautiful though.

 

“Thank you for coming over.” Ali says, a little awkwardly. She’s not sure how this should go or what she should say.

 

Ashlyn just nods, at a loss herself. There is so much tension between them that it’s palpable.

 

“Do you want something to drink?” Ali offers. “I’ve got—“She cuts herself off as she points to the bar cart against the wall. Her eyes go wide in realization. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

 

Ashlyn chuckles lightly. “It’s okay, Ali. You were just trying to be hospitable.”

 

Ali drops her head into her hands. “But I know better.  Do you want me to move them?” Ali gestures to the liquor bottles on display.  “I don’t know what you’re comfortable with.”

 

“No, it’s okay. It doesn’t bother me. Thank you for asking.”

 

“I feel like an idiot. I just offered an alcoholic a drink.”

 

“It’s not a big deal. You know how this stuff works. I know my boundaries, I’m alright.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m really nervous about this whole thing.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Then we can start out on some common ground.” Ali says with a genuine smile.

 

 They’re quiet for a long moment before Ali goes the kitchen and grabs two glasses of water, offering one to Ashlyn as she sits on the opposite end of the couch. She curls her legs in close to her body when she sits, trying to leave as much distance between her and Ashlyn as she can.

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says, taking a sip of her water before placing it on carefully on a coaster on the end table beside her.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Ali asks.

 

“I suppose that’s why I’m here.”

 

“No.” Ali shakes her head. “I didn’t ask you here to interrogate you. You ask questions too.” Ali says. “And you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” She adds as an afterthought.

 

“This is only going to work if we agree to talk about stuff, even the things we don’t want to talk about. _Especially_ the things we don’t want to talk about.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“Okay.” Ali agrees.

 

“So what is it that you want to ask me?”

 

“I, um, I wanted to know when you stopped drinking? Why did you stop?” Ali asks hesitantly.

 

“I stopped about three weeks after you left me that night.”

 

“Really?!” Ali can’t believe it had been so soon after she had left. Especially since the few stories she had heard about Ashlyn in the months after she left, had seemed so dark.

 

“Give or take a few days.” Ashlyn says with a shrug. “I stopped because I was just as miserable with it as I was without it. It didn’t make a difference. I fucked up one night when I was shitfaced and the paramedic that came to scrape me off front lawn of our old rental talked some sense into me. He’s actually the one who got me interested in the paramedic program. He called me an alcoholic and that stung. I didn’t want to be like my parents, and laying in a hospital bed with only spotty memory of the night before, it was hard to refute his accusation. Obviously I had to prove him wrong, so I never drank again.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“Just like that? It was that easy?”

 

“Yeah, just like that. But it wasn’t easy. The thing is, I’m not technically an alcoholic.”

 

“You’re not?” Ali tries to keep the skepticism out of her voice and lets Ashlyn explain.

 

“There’s a difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse. My parents are alcoholics. Alcoholics build up a really high tolerance because they have to drink more and more to get through the day. They usually have to start in the morning and then can’t stop. When an alcoholic stops drinking, they’ll go through withdrawal, and if it’s severe enough, it can be deadly. My mom and dad don’t drink because one sip and they won’t be able to stop. It’s different with alcohol abuse.  I drank like a band-aid. It would cover up whatever hurt was underneath and let me pretend it was fixed for a little while. But when you put a band-aid over something that needs stitches, you’re going to bleed through. At first it was easy to not drink because I had something to prove. And then I didn’t want to because I was horrified by all the stupid shit I’d gotten into when I was drunk. Eventually, it got uncomfortable to have to face and deal with everything I was feeling, and I didn’t have anything to blame my bad decisions on anymore. That’s when it was really hard, but I was lucky to have really great therapist to help me work through it and learn techniques to cope. So I choose not to drink now because it made it too easy for me to be a shitty person. I’ve learned to deal with my shit and I don’t even think about drinking to cover up how I’m feeling anymore. Which is why when someone brings a $500 bottle of wine to dinner, Kelley lets me have a sip of hers, because she knows I can handle it.”

 

“So you could drink if you wanted to?”

 

“Yes and no. My therapist will tell you that I absolutely should not. But ultimately the only person in charge of you is you, so it’s personal. A lot of people who have struggled like I did, have found a way to drink and be healthy about. A lot haven’t. For me, regardless of if I can handle it, I lost that privilege when I fell off that roof. Plus, alcoholism runs in families and given my track record, it’s just not worth it.

 

“You fell off the roof?! Oh my God, Ashlyn!”

 

“Not my finest moment.”

 

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Ali wonders aloud, but she’s not really asking for an answer.

 

If she’s being honest, Ashlyn wants to know why no one told Ali as well. She had always assumed someone had told and her she had just refused to reach out. She’d even spent a little time being angry that Ali hadn’t seemed to care. Ashlyn realizes that she doesn’t know much about Ali’s time in Germany after Christen left Paris four years ago.

 

“Why did you leave Germany?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“I loved Germany so much and it will always feel like a second home to me. But I knew when I took the job there after college that I intended to come back. The timing just felt right.”

 

“That’s great.” Ashlyn says sincerely.

 

“No it’s not.” Ali says with a sigh. “I’m lying to you.”

 

“So then why did you leave?”

 

“I’m so used to giving that generic response to save face that sometimes I forget it’s not true. I took the job there because I wasn’t ready to come back here yet, even though it wasn’t really what I wanted to be doing. But it paid really well and kept me 4,000 miles away from here. I really did love it there and I had good friends, and co-workers I liked, and a nice apartment.” Ali pauses a moment, trying to find the right words. “I spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out and when I finally had a better idea, I realized that what I truly needed was my family and my friends, and something to work towards that made me feel excited. I was just going through the motions, always a half-step away from the things I wanted and needed, but never quite reaching them. I came home for Christmas a couple of years ago and I could just feel this—this thing, this feeling—building within me. The closer I got to going back, the bigger it got. My mom and brother had dropped me off at the airport and we’d said our goodbyes and everything. But when the plane started to board I completely freaked out. I was hyperventilating and couldn’t stop shaking. When I threw up on one of the airline employees trying to help me, they called the medics. My mom had to come back and get me.”

 

“Wow.” Ashlyn responds.

 

“Yeah. It was humiliating.”

 

“And you just never went back?”

 

“Well I had to go back. My whole life was there. I rescheduled my flight but my mom had to come with me to get me on the plane. The first thing I did when I got back was break up with the woman I had been seeing and start packing up my apartment, even though I wasn’t leaving for 5 months. I talked to my company and gave them notice that I’d be leaving, but agreed to stay on until the beginning of May to finish the project I was a part of. I spent most of the last months I was there working on my plan for Revival and just throwing myself into something I really wanted.” Ali explains.

 

“Why didn’t you want to come back?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“To Germany?”

 

“No. You said when you took the job there it kept you 4,000 miles away from here. Why didn’t you want to come back here?”

 

“I-I wasn’t ready to face everything.” Ali stutters.

 

“What do you mean ‘everything’?” Ashlyn asks, irritation rising.

 

“You know.” Ali stares at her hands.

 

“I don’t. Explain it to me.” Ashlyn pushes.

 

“I didn’t want to face you. Or our friends. Or anything else that would remind me of you or what had happened.”

 

“You mean what you did.” Ashlyn bites out.

 

“Ashlyn,” Ali says pleadingly, “please.”

 

“Please what, Ali?” Ashlyn says standing up. “How can you sit there and act like you weren’t the one who made the choice to leave? Like some terrible thing happened to you?!” Ashlyn says angrily.

 

“I’m not acting like that!” Now Ali feels her own anger rising. “I hurt you! I know I hurt you! I was ashamed, okay?! I couldn’t come back see what I did to you!”

 

“And you just assumed I was going to fall apart right?” Ashlyn says, a little quieter now.

 

“No!” Ali defends.

 

“Isn’t that why you’ve been so angry with me ever since we ran into each other again? Because you can’t stand seeing me with my life put together without you?”

 

“How _dare_ you!?” Ali says, getting on her feet to meet Ashlyn.

 

“Whatever.” Ashlyn says turning away.

 

“I was surprised.” Ali says.

 

Ashlyn looks back at Ali, her brow is still furrowed, but her eyes have softened.

 

“I was the one who left. I didn’t think I had any right to walk back into your life after that. But I had hoped that when you got better, you’d realize why I did what I did, and you’d—I don’t know—invite me back into your life or something. I didn’t think it was my place to ask. Not after what I did to you.” Ali’s face is pained. She’s trying desperately to explain herself, but knows Ashlyn is hurt, and it’s her doing.

 

Ashlyn pulls the beautiful leather wallet that Kelley had given her for Christmas from her back pocket and opens it. She removes a folded-up paper, it’s worn and well-read.

 

“Here.” Ashlyn says quietly. She holds the paper out to Ali, refusing to meet Ali’s eyes.

 

Ali is confused but takes the paper from her. She’s unable to read Ashlyn’s face, but when she doesn’t say anything, Ali carefully unfolds the paper.

 

There it is. Her own loopy printing stares her in her face. Less neat and precise than her handwriting now, impart because she’s older, but also because the letter before her had been written quickly, with hot tears obstructing her vision. Ali reads the letter slowly, the night in Ashlyn’s room flooding her memory and sending goosebumps across her skin.

 

“Why—why do you—” Ali tries to get out, her face twisting from shock to hurt to anger. “Did you bring this just to prove some kind of point to me?! Did you dig this up just to throw it in my face?!” Ali spits out.

 

“No, Ali.” Ashlyn says with a humorless laugh. “I didn’t bring it with me. I already had it.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean I’ve had that paper in my wallet almost since the day I found it.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I heard you leave that night.” Now it’s Ashlyn speaks in almost a whisper. “I heard you sitting at my desk, taking those deep breathes to try and stop crying. The sound of the pen scratching against the paper. I didn’t say anything because I was scared. I thought you were crying because I told you I was in love with you.” Ashlyn pauses a moment as she remembers that night. Ali is frozen in place, her mouth slightly agape. “Maybe you were.” Ashlyn adds. “Do you remember how you used to tell me that really loving someone meant choosing to love them in their unlovable moments?”

 

Ali gives a small nod.

 

“We were best friends. I kept fucking up and you kept telling me you loved me anyway. But after I read that letter, I figured somewhere along the line, you changed your mind. You didn’t want anything to do with me because you couldn’t love me through it anymore.”

 

“No, Ashl—”

 

“Wait.” Ashlyn cuts her off. Ali closes her mouth to let her finish. “I wallowed for more than two weeks. I drank until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I laid in my bed and read that letter over and over again, as punishment for all the shit I kept doing. I had finally pushed the best person in my life away from me. And then I fell off that roof, and when I was laying in the hospital I remembered that I had shoved that letter in my pocket. I read it over and over again, only this time, I started to believe you. I started to believe that maybe you meant what you had written there. I read that letter before my first day in the paramedic program, and before every big test. I sat in my jeep and read it before I went in for my job interview. Any time I needed a push or support or a reminder that I was worth a damn, I read that letter.”

 

Ali takes a step closer to Ashlyn. Her eyes filled with tears, and her hand shaking as she goes to wipe at them. “ _Ash_.” She breathes out.

 

"So, I did get better and I did figure out why you did what you did. Without even being here, you got me through so much. But I believed that if you cared about me like you said in that letter, you might care to know how I was doing now. I thought maybe you’d want to know if I was okay.” Ashlyn says, fighting back her own tears.

 

“I did want to know.”

 

“But you didn’t look me up, or even ask Kelley or Tobin, or hell, even Christen, how I was!”

 

“Because I was afraid!” Ali sobs.

 

“Afraid I had failed.” Ashlyn says, her face turning cold.

 

“No! Afraid that I’d feel the same way about you now as I did when I left!”

 

“What the hell does that mean?”

 

“Do you know why I wrote you that letter, Ashlyn? Do you know why I left in the middle of the night instead of doing the decent thing and talking to you in person?” Ali asks, looking deeply into Ashlyn's eyes.

 

Ashlyn shakes her head.

 

“Because I never would have left. If I had to look in your eyes I would have given up Germany right there. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what you needed to hear.”

 

“I never would have asked you to stay. You should have known that.” Ashlyn says.

 

“God, Ashlyn! Don’t you get it?! I was in love with you!  How could I look at you after what you said, after we kissed like that, and bring myself to leave you?! Ali clasps a hand over her mouth as she doubles over, sobs wracking her body as she admits everything she’s kept locked deep inside for so long. The letter once clutched in her hand, falls to the floor.

 

Ashlyn moves towards her, pulling her up and wrapping her arms around her. She holds Ali in her arms as she cries into her shoulder, gently rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. After several long minutes, filled only with Ali’s sobs, she finally calms herself and takes a step back.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Ali says.

 

“Me too.” Ashlyn replies.

 

They’re quiet another moment before Ashlyn reaches for the letter and folds it up again, placing it back in her wallet. She finishes her glass of water and turns to Ali.

 

“I need a little time.” Ashlyn says, her face blank.

 

“Oh.” Ali replies.

 

“I just need to process all of this.”

 

“I understand.”

 

Ashlyn walks to the front door and Ali hesitates a moment before following her.

 

“Will you call me?” Ali asks.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says. She pulls the front door closed behind her.

 

*****

 

Ashlyn and Heather walk out of the grocery store together after stopping to grab an energy drink and a snack to get through the end of the shift. It had been a long shift, particularly for Ashlyn, who had come in twelve hours early two days before, to cover for a co-worker, and it had just so happened to be one of the busiest nights they’d seen in weeks.

 

“I bet you’re excited to get home early.” Heather comments, leaning against the passenger side of the ambulance and opening her Red Bull.

 

“Hey, don’t jinx me!” Ashlyn says swatting her friends arm.

 

“Right, sorry. Don’t tempt the fates.” HAO says.

 

Ashlyn reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of gum, rolling her eyes when she realizes it’s empty. “Damn.” She mutters.

 

“Run back in.” Heather shrugs.

 

Ashlyn starts to head back into the store, but turns around and walks backwards as she shouts back to Heather. “You know the second I walk through those doors, we’re getting a call!”

 

Heather laughs as she watches her friend disappear through the sliding door of the store. It only takes Ashlyn about three minutes to get her gum and head back to Heather, shoving a stick in her mouth as she struts through the parking lot. Heather is closing the passenger door as Ashlyn approaches.

 

“We got a call.” Heather says.

 

“Of course we did.”

 

“Armed robbery at 213 King Street. Suspect is in custody but a woman got hit in the face pretty hard. She’s alert but they want us to check it out.” Heather recaps.

 

Ashlyn’s face pales and she immediately runs to the driver’s side, even though it’s Heather who usually drives, climbing in and starting the engine.

 

“Ash?” Heather asks climbing in the passenger side before Ashlyn can leave without her.

 

“That’s Ali’s shop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? 
> 
> What do you think about their conversation? Why do you think Ashlyn reacted the way she did?


	9. Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a nice long one for you! Hopefully that will make up a little bit for the fact that it will be a bit of a wait for the next chapter. There's a lot going on in this one so I hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think in the comments! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Warning: This chapter does contain some violence and non-consenual groping/touching. If you wold prefer not to read this, you can skip everything between the first and second set of asterisks. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

More than a week goes by and Ali still hasn’t heard from Ashlyn. On the Thursday after their conversation, Kelley calls to invite Ali to game night.

 

“I don’t think so, Kel. Ash asked for some time to process and I don’t want her to think I’m trying to pressure her or anything.” Ali says.

 

“I know that.” Kelley says kindly. “But Ashlyn and Heather are working so they won’t be there.”

 

“Oh.” Ali feels a little silly. She should have known that Kelley and Ashlyn had talked.

 

“She’s not mad at you, Ali.” Kelley offers quietly. “She just needs a minute. You sort of threw her for a loop with the whole _I-was-in-love-with-you_ thing. Although she’s the only one surprised by that little revelation.”

 

“So you think she call me?” Ali asks.

 

“I do.”

 

Suddenly a realization hits Ali and she gasps.

 

“What?!” Kelley asks, alarmed.

 

“I didn’t give her my number!” Ali says, panicked.

 

“Oh geez! You scared me.” Kelley says. Ali can hear the eyeroll in her voice.

 

“Kelley, how the hell is she supposed to call me if she doesn’t have my phone number?!”

 

“She’ll call.”

 

“And what’s she going to do? Look me up in the phonebook? I don’t even think they make those anymore! Or maybe she’ll just stand on her front porch and yell really loudly!”

 

“Okay, first of all, phonebooks still exist. Second of all, Ash doesn’t have a front porch, and third, she has your phone number.”

 

“How does she have my phone number?!” Ali asks, completely baffled.

 

“I’m going to let you think on that one for a minute.” Kelley replies.

 

“Oh.” Ali says, putting together the obvious.

 

“There we go.” Kelley says, confirming the information for Ali.

 

“Did she—or did you—”

 

“She asked me for it.” Kelley answers.

 

“When?”

 

“Tuesday. She came over and we talked about what happened the night before at your house and she asked if she could have your number.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything for a long time.

 

“Are you still there?” Kelley finally asks.

 

“Yeah.” Another pause, shorter this time. “So game night is at seven?”

 

*****

 

Ali attends game night and despite checking her phone every five minutes, she has a nice time. She still feels bad about being rude to Alex at Friendsgiving, especially since it turns out they get along really well. Ali and Alex even end up sharing a bottle of white wine and being the winning team in a game of Catch Phrase that night. Ali tries to subtly gather information on how Ashlyn is doing, but it seems everyone is trying to steer clear of any conversation surrounding her.

 

Ali sees Ashlyn for the first time on Monday, at the community college. She shows up for her class early to prepare, but really she’s hoping to catch glimpse of Ashlyn arriving. All she sees however, is the back of her head as she slips into her classroom at the last minute. Last week it had been Ali who kept her classroom door closed and Ashlyn’s whose was wide open as she taught, but that night the roles were reversed. Finally, just as Ali is gathering her things to leave, she happens to look up to see Ashlyn heading to her office hours. Their eyes meet momentarily, and Ashlyn offers a smile and a nod of her head as she disappears down the hallway.

 

By the end of the week, Ali has started to give up hope that Ashlyn will reach out to her any time soon. She tries to believe what Kelley has told her, that Ashlyn just needs time, but as the days tick by, the idea that this is how they will leave things begins to settle in Ali’s mind. Friday is a busy day at the shop, and it helps Ali push the sadness trying to build within her away for a while. Her last customer doesn’t leave until almost half an hour past closing, but she’s happy to stay open for the woman, packing up her items and wishing her well as she heads out. Ali knows she should go lock the door, but she gets caught up putting away some of the jewelry she had been showing her customer, and of course spends fifteen minutes reorganizing the case. She’s just locking the case when she hears the bells on the door ring, alerting her that someone has entered the store.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry—” Ali starts as she turns to face whoever has come in. But she stops mid-sentence when she sees the tall, gruff looking man in front of her.  The man, who appears to be in his mid-thirties, wears black pants and a long black coat, with a dark gray stocking cap on his head. His bloodshot eyes are darting all around the store, and he doesn’t smile. “Uh,” Ali says quietly, “w-we’re closed.”

 

“I don’t care.” The man barks out at her. “Is there anyone else in here?” He demands.

 

Ali shakes her head, her eyes growing wide. It’s clear this man isn’t here to shop.

 

“Are you lying to me?” He asks, his tone menacing. “Because you don’t want to lie to me.”

 

“No. Y-you can check.” Ali tries to keep her voice as calm as possible but she can’t help but trip over her words as she tries to control her fear.

 

The man pulls a handgun from his pocket, pointing it directly at Ali. She lets out a small gasp, her legs and hands trembling as she tries to recall everything she’s ever heard about what to do in a situation like this. The man keeps the gun trained on her as he begins to move around the room, looking behind shelves and displays for anyone else who might be hiding away. When he determines it’s just the two of them, he approaches Ali and roughly grabs her, wrapping his arm around her front, holding her shoulders, just below her neck, and pressing her back into his front. If she were to try and slip out of his grasp, he could easily move his arm up and choke her. With his other arm, he presses the gun to her temple. He forces her behind the counter where her iPad sits on a stand to cash out customers. Behind the counter is a cash drawer which can only be opened through the point of sale app Ali uses.

 

“Open the fucking drawer, bitch.” He pushes the gun a little harder into her temple as he says it.

 

“I need to use the iPad.” She gets out.

 

“NO!” He yells, making Ali flinch. He tightens his grip around her.

 

“There’s no other way.” Ali says.

 

“Then you’ll tell me what to do, but _don’t_ touch it.” He growls.

 

The man flips the iPad around and she directs him the few steps to open the drawer. “Take all the cash out and put it in my pocket. Now!”

 

Ali removes the cash, somewhat awkwardly as she can’t move well under the man’s tight grip. She shoves the roughly $300 into the oversized pocket with shaky hands, hoping he’ll just take the money and run now.

 

“Open that case or I’ll smash it.” He commands, removing the gun briefly to point at the jewelry case she had been locking up when he came in.

 

“The key is in my pocket.” Ali says in a high-pitched whisper.

 

“Which one?"

 

“Right.”

 

Again, the man pulls the gun away from her head, but this time so he can speak directly into her ear. She can feel his light stubble scratching her face. “I lucked out with you.” He says with a sickening smile. “It’d be a shame to hurt someone so pretty…so don’t fucking try anything.”

 

He presses the gun into her temple again, and then loosens his grip around her. Slowly sliding his hand down her body, stopping to squeeze her breast before moving to her hip and then to her ass which he pinches, before finally sliding his hand into her pocket and retrieving the key. He puts the key in her hand before running his hand over her again, taking his time caressing her stomach and squeezing her other breast as he moves to hold her tightly again. Ali feels bile rise in her throat at his touch. She wants to tell him to fuck off and spit right in his face, but knows better than piss off someone holding a gun to her head.

 

She unlocks the case and begins to carefully remove each item from its stand or display and place it in the coat’s large pockets.

 

“Just grab it!” He orders. Ali stops being so careful and empties more of the case until he pulls her away, practically dragging her towards the office. The door in slightly ajar and he pushes it open by shoving Ali into it.

 

He immediately sees the safe on top of a short filing cabinet in the back of the small room and pushes Ali in front of it, knocking her into the desk as he does.

 

“Open it.”

 

“I have to use my phone to do it.” Ali says.

 

“Bullshit! I told you not to lie to me!” He squeezes her tighter, and she’s sure he’s leaving bruises on her arm.

 

“I’ll tell you how like before. My phone is in my back pocket.” He tightens his grip even more and she knows she’ll live with his fingerprints for weeks. That is, _if_ she lives. “ _Please_.” Ali pleads.

 

“This isn’t a prop.” He says pressing the gun harder into her head. “If you try anything, I will fucking shoot you. Got it?”

 

“Yes.” Ali says with a nod.

 

He again takes his time touching Ali, squeezing and grabbing at her ass and thighs, before he finally pulls the phone from her pocket.

 

“The passcode is 8-4-1-1.” She instructs. “Top row, under ‘Revival.’” She continues. He follows her instructions and sees the icon of a safe and taps it without asking. The app loads and he presses the “unlock” button, which asks for a six-digit code.

 

“1-0-1-9-8-5.” She tells him.

 

The screen turns green and they hear the sounds of the safe as it unlocks. He keeps the gun pressed into Ali, but removes his arm from around her as she grabs out the cash in the safe as quickly as he can. Most people pay with cards, so Ali doesn’t do a lot of cash sales. Because of that, she usually only deposits her cash sales about once a week, storing everything in the safe until she goes to the bank. But she never keeps more than $1500, including her back up bills in case she runs out of fives or tens in the cash drawer.  On this night, there’s only about $900 in the safe.

 

What the man didn’t know about the Smart Safe was that it was designed for situations just like this. The safe unlocks with two different codes. One code is for the everyday use of opening and locking the safe to deposit belongings. This second code is the panic code. This one, when entered, alerts the company of a robbery and the police are dispatched to the listed location. Essentially the code acts as a panic button, sending help without letting on. The company recommends choosing a code that is different than the codes you use for other things so you don’t get mixed up and enter the wrong one by accident. Instead, they suggest picking something unique, but memorable so that you can recall it even in a tense situation.

 

Ali had never had to use the panic code before so she didn’t know how long it would take for the police to arrive, or if they’re arrival would even help given that all this creep had to do was the pull the trigger. The man grabs Ali with his other arm, now holding her with the same arm that holds the gun, so he is freer to ransack her office. He drags her around as he pulls open drawers, empties her purse, and goes through her wallet taking the little cash she has, along with her credit cards and ID. Once he’s pulled most of the files from the filing cabinet and thrown them onto the floor, he drags Ali back into the main part of the shop.

 

As they enter the room, he sees the lights of the police car swirling outside the windows.

 

“ _YOU FUCKING BITCH!_ ” He screams in Ali’s face. “When the fuck did you call them?!?!”

 

Ali can’t even open her mouth before he shoves her back into a bookcase, he pushes her hard yet she manages to stay on her feet. As he raises his arm with gun in hand, she’s sure he’s about to kill her. Instead he pulls back and strikes her hard across the face with the weapon. He hits her so hard that she crashes again into the bookshelf, knocking it over this time as she falls onto it. Two police officers rush through the front door, their own guns drawn as the man heads for the back door that leads to the alley way behind the building. One officer follows after the man, calling for back over radio as he goes. The other, stays to assist Ali as she desperately climbs to her feet.

 

***

 

Ashlyn and Heather arrive to find Ali sitting on the curb outside her shop. A female police officer stands near her, a hand on her shoulder, as she speaks to her. Ali’s eyes are still wide as she stares up at the woman, her hands visibly shaking as she takes a bottle of water from the woman.

 

Heather greets the officer as Ashlyn crouches down and looks at Ali, who doesn’t meet her eyes. A deep, purple bruise is forming across her left cheekbone, a small split in the middle of it. Other than the bruise forming, her face is completely drained of color. Ashlyn takes Ali’s trembling wrist and feels her pulse to confirm her racing heart. Her skin is clammy, and there’s a puddle on the ground near Ali that indicates the woman has thrown up not long ago.

 

“Ash.” Ali breathes out, finally looking into the paramedic’s eyes, still panic stricken.

 

“Hey, Al.” Ashlyn says soothingly. “You’re alright. You’re safe, okay? You’re safe.”

 

Ali nods, but she looks terrified.

 

“Hey, Ash.” Heather says getting Ashlyn’s attention. Ashlyn stands to meet her and Heather lowers her voice. “She’s so shaken up that they haven’t been able to get a lot out of her yet. Officer says they’ll follow if we take her in, give her a minute to calm down.” Heather says gesturing to the officer she was just speaking to. “The fucker who did this is demanding medical, claiming he was injured when they tackled him. I’m going to check him out so they—“

 

“I’ll do it.” Ashlyn says aggressively, staring off towards the police car. Heather grabs her arm and pulls her back.

 

“Hey. This isn’t worth losing your job over. Let me handle him, you take care of her.” Heather says calmly, but seriously.

 

Ashlyn nods reluctantly before crouching down to Ali again.

 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Ashlyn asks.

 

Ali is staring blankly ahead.

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure I got pistol-whipped.” Ali says with a shrug.

 

“Are you making a joke?” Ashlyn says with the tiniest smile gracing her mouth.

 

“I don’t know.” Ali says, genuinely considering the question. She moves her head slightly and looks into Ashlyn’s eyes. “Was that funny?” She asks with the sincerity of child.

 

“Not really.”

 

“Oh.” Ali’s face falls.

 

“A little.”

 

Now Ali offers Ashlyn a bright, fleeting smile, before the fear creeps back into her eyes.

 

“He was mad when the police showed up so he hit me with his gun and I fell backwards. I ruined my bookcase.”

 

“Did he do anything else?”

 

Ashlyn begins assessing Ali as she waits for a response.

 

“He, um.” Ali swallows hard. Ashlyn stops what she’s doing and tries to look into Ali’s eyes but she turns away.

 

“He what, Ali?” Ashlyn asks. She can feel the fire of her rage already burning within her.

 

“He touched me.” Ali whispers.

 

“Did he—“

 

“It was just over my clothes. Groping really. He didn’t try anything, I just—“Ali’s eyes fill with tears and she can’t continue.

 

“You were afraid.” Ashlyn finishes for her.

 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about what else he _might_ do.”

 

As Ali sits on the curb, stunned and fighting the swells of fear, Ashlyn thinks about the time Ali was mugged when they were in college, and how very different this experience must have been.

 

_It’s just past midnight as Ali leaves the one-screen movie theater she works at. The theatre shows only classic movies and art house films, and Ali works taking tickets and selling concessions three days a week. It’s Friday night and Ali is rushing to catch the bus so she doesn’t have to wait 20 minutes for the next one. She was hoping to get home early enough that she can join her friends at a party near her apartment before everyone is too far gone to be any fun._

 

_She normally sticks to the main roads, which are busy and well lit, when she has to walk after ten, but tonight she cuts through the dark side streets because she knows she’s cutting it close on time. As she rounds a corner, she nearly slams right into a dark figure._

 

_“Oh!” She says in surprise. “Sorry!”_

 

_The figure, which she can now see is a woman, maybe about five or six years older than herself. She’s wearing a dark colored sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, her dark, curly hair, hangs out the bottom. She’s smoking a cigarette and refuses to step out of Ali’s way, even stepping to the side to block her when she tries to get around her. She sizes Ali up, before tossing her cigarette to the side and stepping on it._

 

_Ali is instantly irritated that this woman wants to interfere with her Friday night plans._

 

_“Excuse me.” Ali says with an annoyed huff._

 

_The woman says nothing, just reaches out and tries to grab the purse hanging from Ali’s shoulder._

 

_“Hey! Stop!” Ali yells._

 

_The woman fights her for the purse, but Ali fights right back, pulling it back and shoving the woman away from her. The woman shoves Ali back, forcing down onto the ground, and climbs on top of her, trying again to get her bag. Ali throws her weight to roll over and force the woman off of her. The woman stands now, and as she takes a step close to Ali, Ali reaches into her bag and pulls out whatever money is within reach and throws it at the woman._

 

_“Here! Go to Denny’s, bitch.” Ali says with a glare._

 

_The woman grabs the cash and shoves it into her pocket before turning and running off. Ali moves to sit on the curb, taking a minute to calm herself down before pulling out her phone._

 

_“Ali!!!” Ashlyn answers enthusiastically. She’s had more than a little to drink. “Are you on your way?” Ashlyn slurs out over the noise of the party._

 

_“Ash?”_

 

_“Hold on. I’ll go outside.” She walks into the backyard where people are playing beer pong and sitting around in plastic Adirondack chairs, but the volume is a more reasonable level. “Sorry. Can you hear me?”_

 

_“Yeah.” Ali says. “Can you come get me?”_

 

_“From your apartment?”_

 

_“No, from 5 th and…” Ali stop to glance at the street signs on the nearby corner. “Smith.”_

 

_“Why? What happened? Are you okay?” Ashlyn rushes out._

 

_“I think I just got mugged.” Ali replies._

 

_“Don’t move. I’ll be right there.”_

 

_“Okay.”_

 

_“Unless you aren’t safe. Are you safe? Can you get somewhere safe?”_

 

_“I’m okay. Please just hurry.”_

 

_“I’m on my way.” Ashlyn promises._

 

_Ashlyn hangs up and hurries back into the house, pushing through crowds of people and hopping up and sliding over the kitchen counter when she can’t get around a particularly stubborn group of football players. She scans the living room, desperately trying to find Tobin but there are too many people so she climbs on top the coffee table to get a better look. When she spots her friend, she cups her hands around her mouth and yells._

 

_“Tobin!!!” Ashlyn shouts._

 

_Tobin turns and see Ashlyn above the crowd on the table. Tobin had been leaning against the far wall, nursing a beer and talking with some classmates. She sees Ashlyn point to the front door signaling for her to meet her there. Tobin excuses herself and follows._

 

_“What’s up, dude?” Tobin asks, slight concern in her voice._

 

_Ashlyn answers while heading for Tobin’s car. “We have to go get Ali. She was mugged. We have to go get her!”_

 

_“Oh shit. Okay. But let’s start by going that way,” Tobin says pointing the opposite direction Ashlyn is walking. “where my car is.”_

 

_Ashlyn just nods and takes off the other way. When they’re in the car Ashlyn gives Tobin the address and they take off to get Ali._

 

_“I’m such an idiot.” Ashlyn says sadly. “She needs me and I’m fucking drunk and had to find a ride. What would have happened if you weren’t there, Tobs?”_

 

_“Hey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing by finding someone else to drive you okay? You found a safe way to get to her, that’s what matters. No what-ifs.” Tobin says._

 

_“I still feel like a shitty friend.”_

 

_“But you’re not. Let’s just focus on making sure Ali is okay.”_

 

_A few minutes later they pull up to the corner of 5 th and Smith and see Ali sitting on the curb, her purse clutched tightly to her chest with both arms. Ashlyn clumsily climbs out of the car and scurries over to Ali._

 

_“Are you alright, Al? I’m so sorry.”_

_“Yeah, I’m okay. I just want to go home.”_

 

_By this point Tobin has made her way around the car and offers a hand to Ali to help her up._

 

_“I had to have Tobin drive.” Ashlyn says, embarrassed. Ali could smell the alcohol on Ashlyn’s breath when she sat down beside her._

 

_“Thank you, Tobin.” Ali says sincerely._

 

_Ashlyn holds open the back door for Ali, who climbs in but slides to the middle seat._

 

_“Sit with me?” She looks up at Ashlyn._

 

_Ashlyn sits beside her and holds her hand as Tobin drives._

 

_“Ali, we should take you to the police station.” Tobin says._

 

_“No.” Ali shakes her head. “It’s really not worth it. She only got a few dollars and she didn’t hurt me. I just want to forget about this.”_

 

_Tobin isn’t sure but she figures they can revisit the subject in the morning. When they pull up in front of Ali’s apartment, both Ali and Ashlyn get out, saying goodnight to Tobin. Ashlyn tells her she’s going to stay with Ali and thanks her for everything she’s done. In the weeks after, Ali tells the story many times, and always with a sense of humor. Throughout the whole thing she had been more frustrated than scared, and everyone thought she was a badass for fighting back. For a time, Ali and her friends used “go to Denny’s” synonymously with “go fuck yourself.”_

 

The Ali after the mugging had been exhausted, but oddly empowered. She hadn’t let that woman take anything from her, and she had shown she was someone not to be messed with. This Ali, that sits before Ashlyn now, seems lost.

 

“Can you stand up?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Yes.” Ali nods.

 

“Let’s go get you cleaned up then.”

 

Ashlyn helps Ali up and leads her back to the ambulance where she examines her properly and tends to the wound on her face. She finds scratches and bruises all over Ali’s body from being shoved into things and falling into the bookcase. She has a sizable knot on the back of her head and she’s sprained her previously broken wrist when she tried to block her fall. The most disturbing injury of all however, are the fingerprints left on Ali’s bicep, angry red quickly turning to purple.

 

“I think you should go to the ED and let them make sure your cheekbone isn’t broken. You hit your head twice, so a CT scan isn’t a bad idea either.”

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“I won’t force you, but I really wish you would.”

 

“An ambulance ride for this seems excessive.” Ali argues.

 

“Then I’ll take you. I’ll drive your car.”

 

Ali thinks about it a moment. “Is that allowed?”

 

“Probably not, but technically my shift ended twenty minutes ago. And Heather won’t say anything.”

 

 

“It’s true. I won’t” Heather adds walking up behind them. “How are you doing Ali?”

 

“My face hurts.”

 

“I’m going to drive her car to the ED.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“I’ll meet you over there but you’ll need to come back to the station with me.” Heather says.

 

Ashlyn nods. “I’m going to text Alex and let her know we’re coming.”

 

“I’ll let the officers know they can meet us there.” Heather says to Ashlyn.

 

Ali looks at Ashlyn, confused by Heather’s statement.

 

“They’re going to come and take pictures of your injuries so they can make sure the asshole who did this to you is held accountable for all of it. They’ll probably need to ask you some questions too.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Ali says hesitantly.

 

As the pair walk towards Ali’s car, Ashlyn notices that Ali’s face is becoming paler and paler and can see the rise and fall of her chest change as her breathing becomes shallow. Ashlyn has just pulled the passenger door of Ali’s Rover open, when she sees a familiar blank stare take over Ali’s face. Ashlyn quickly wraps her arms around Ali, making sure she has an arm behind her head, just as Ali’s eyes roll backwards and she loses consciousness. She’s only out a few seconds but she’s plenty disoriented when she comes to, cradled in Ashlyn’s strong arms.

 

“There you are.” Ashlyn says as Ali blinks at her.

 

“Oops.” Ali says.

 

Ashlyn can’t help but chuckle at her response. She helps Ali sit down in the front seat of the car and checks her heart rate and breathing again. She’s confident that this is a reaction to the emotional shock that Ali is in, but she wants to be thorough.

 

“Am I dying?” Ali asks.

 

“I think you’re having an acute stress reaction. You’ve had a hell of a night so it makes sense. Let’s take some deep breaths together okay?” Ashlyn suggests. She guides them through some breathing exercises and when Ali’s heart rate is back down to a normal number, she buckles her in and climbs into the driver’s seat.

 

The Emergency Department is slammed, like it often is on a Friday night. Ashlyn had text Alex what had happened and that they were coming in. Ali’s injuries aren’t terribly severe so she has to wait about an hour before they bring her back, and Ashlyn refuses to leave until she’s in Alex’s hands. Once Alex has reassured Ashlyn that she’ll make sure Ali is okay when she deals with the police, she finally leaves with Heather. She finishes up at the station as quickly as she can, changes out of her uniform, and heads back to the ED. When she arrives, she’s happy to see Ali laughing and talking with the police officers and Alex, her legs crossed as she sits up on the end of a bed, taking a sip from a can of coke.

 

Ali’s scan is just fine, and the x-ray of her cheekbone determines that it is not broken and won’t require any kind of surgery. Before Ashlyn arrived, Ali had refused pain medication besides a basic NSAID, but had agreed to take something for the anxiety. Alex explains that the medication they’ve given her, Ativan, is a depressant, like alcohol, and might have a similar effect. She’ll probably feel just a little tired, more relaxed and have lower inhibitions. Sort of like after having a glass of wine or two. When the police have everything they need for now, although they ask her to come to the station tomorrow, and Alex has given Ali an ice pack for her cheek, they release her.

 

Ali stops suddenly as she and Ashlyn are walking across the parking lot.

 

“Wait. What about your car?” Ali asks.

 

“It’s okay. I can get it tomorrow.” Ashlyn reassures.

 

“How will you get home though?”

 

“Someone can come pick me up. Or I’ll get an Uber. Don’t worry okay? Let’s just get you home.”

 

“Is ‘someone’ Amanda?”

 

“Oh, uh, no. Kelley or Tobin or Heather. Amanda’s not—Let’s get you home.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Yeah. Okay.”

 

Ashlyn pulls into Ali’s garage and follows her to the door, unsure of what to do next. Should she stay a little while and make sure Ali gets settled, or does she head straight for the door. She nervously follows Ali inside, suddenly remembering everything that happened the last time they were together. She stares at the spot in the living room where she had stood when Ali changed everything for her. Ashlyn shakes her head to clear her thoughts.

 

“Do you want some water?” Ali offers.

 

“I’ll get it. You sit down.” Ashlyn replies. She pulls two glasses from the cupboard and gets the pitcher from the refrigerator, as Ali goes and sits on her stool at the bar, the one with the crown drawn on the bottom of it.  Ash places a glass in front of Ali as she leans on the counter across from her. As Ali takes a sip, Ashlyn picks up a bottle of champagne sitting beside her and reads the tag:

 

_Ali,_

_Congrats on your first class!_

_XO – Kel_

 

“This is probably the only thing I really miss about drinking.” Ashlyn says holding up the bottle. “A glass of champagne on a special occasion. For a while, I said I’d let myself have a glass of champagne during my wedding toast if I ever got married.”

 

“Champagne? Really?” Ali asks. “Not some fancy pants whiskey? Neat, of course.”

 

“No, I was ready to be done with whiskey.”

 

Ali is surprised, it had always been Ashlyn’s drink of choice. While Ashlyn had certainly gotten drunk off it on many an occasion, she really did have a true appreciation for it.

 

“Why?” Ali knows she probably shouldn’t ask, but she’s feeling a little unfiltered.

 

“You really want to know?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“I really do.” Ali says, leaning on her elbows on the counter, moving just a little closer to Ashlyn.

 

“It reminds me of you.”

 

Ali looks at her inquisitively. “Me? But I never drank whiskey.”

 

“No, but you _are_ whiskey. That warmth that starts right in the center of my chest, slowly seeping into my arms and down to my fingertips. I’d feel that every time you really looked into my eyes, or when you laugh so hard your eyes close and you throw your head back.”

 

Ali blushes, unable to look away from Ashlyn as she speaks.

 

“When we kissed.”

 

“Oh.” Ali breathes out.

 

“The subtle hint of vanilla. You always smelled like vanilla.”

 

“I wear nicer perfume now.” Ali quips.

 

“I know.” Ashlyn says. “And of course, there’s the fact that it’s the same color as your eyes.” She finishes.

 

“So it isn’t because I made you so miserable that I drove you to drink?” Ali jokes, but she means it.

 

“Well, sure. But that seemed rude to say.” Ashlyn says with a wink. “No,” she continues, “it’s because it made me miss you.”

 

They pair fall silent for a few minutes, sipping their glasses of water and trying to figure out what was happening between them. When Ali lets out a big yawn, Ashlyn takes that as her cue.

 

“I should let you get some sleep.” Ashlyn says, pulling her phone out to call for a ride.

 

“Wait!” Ali says, stopping her.

 

Ashlyn looks at her expectantly.

 

“Will you stay?” Ashlyn looks unsure. “Please?”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“I don’t want to be here alone. Not tonight. I feel more relaxed right now because you’re here but I don’t think I can do it if you leave.”

 

Ashlyn can hear the panic rising in Ali’s voice, and watches as her body tenses up more and more with each word.

 

“Yeah, okay. I can stay.”

 

Ali leads them to her bedroom at the end of the hallway off the living room, apologizing for the mess as she opens the door. Ashlyn takes in the decent sized room, decorated in clean whites and cool yet inviting grays. It’s clean, but lived in, and every detail seems to scream ‘Ali.’

 

“I’ll grab you something to sleep in.” Ali says stepping to her closet. While Ali finds the clothing, Ashlyn continues to take in the room around her.

 

“Here.” Ali says handing Ashlyn a pair of sweats and a plain white t-shirt.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Ali starts changing right there, her back to Ashlyn. She pulls off her shirt exposing the red marks and scratches across her back from the events of her harrowing night. She reaches back and unhooks her bra before pulling her own white t-shirt over her head. Next she removed her jeans, revealing a large bruise on the back of her thigh. She slips on her shorts and crawls into bed and rolling to the side where Ashlyn stands.

 

Ashlyn realizes that she’s just been standing there, watching Ali change. Not wanting to be caught, she pulls her own shirt off before realizing that Ali is looking right at her. Neither one says anything about it, so Ashlyn continues to undress. When Ashlyn removes her pants, Ali lets a small sound of surprise. Without thinking, she reaches out and lightly runs her fingers over Ashlyn’s thigh.

 

“I’m sorry!” She says, realizing what she’s done. “That was inappropriate. I’m sorry.”

 

Ashlyn doesn’t know how to react.

 

“There’s more of them.” Ali says quietly. As Ashlyn stood there with her legs exposed, Ali couldn’t help but look for the scars on her thighs that she had come to know well in their three years of friendship. She was shocked and saddened to see that there were far more scars than she remembers, moving further to the top of her thigh, instead of being contained to the inside. Ali thinks her leaving must have something to do with it.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says solemnly. “But it’s been a long time. I promise.” She pulls the sweats on and walks around the bed. She sits on top of the blankets, with her back against the headboard, stretching her legs out and crossing them at the ankle.

 

“Thank you for staying.” Ali says.

 

“I don’t want you to be afraid.” Ashly says sincerely. “I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep and then I’ll move out to the couch.”

 

Ashlyn can see the disappointment on Ali’s face but she doesn’t fight it. “There’s a guest room next door. It’s more comfortable than the couch.”

 

Ashlyn nods. Ali reaches over and turns off the lamp and then curls almost into Ashlyn’s side. She doesn’t touch her, but she’s turned into her, her head resting only an inch from Ashlyn’s hip. They lay together in the darkness for nearly a half hour, both wide awake and lost in thought. Finally, Ashlyn has to say something.

 

“Al?” She whispers out to see if she’s awake.

 

“Yeah?” Ali responds immediately.

 

“Can I ask you about something you said the other night?”

 

“You can ask me anything.”

 

“You said that after you freaked out at the airport, you went back to Frankfurt and broke up with the woman you were seeing and I was just wondering about that. I know that we, you and I, had a pretty heated moment before you left, but you had always been clear that you were straight. So was that just a one-time thing or did something change?” Ashlyn asks nervously.

 

Whether it’s because she’s still feeling the effects of the Ativan, or because she feels safe beside Ashlyn, Ali holds nothing back.

 

“It wasn’t just a one-time thing. I was so scared after that night with you that I forced what was happening with Nate for way too long. After we got to Germany it became really clear to me that not only was he awful, but that I didn’t feel anything for him. It also wasn’t hard to figure out that the pain I felt over leaving you was more than what a friend should feel. I think I tried to talk myself out of being in love with you for years by being with Nathan, which I guess really wasn’t fair to him. But I just wanted to believe that I clearly didn’t feel anything for you because I had this boyfriend who I had all these plans with and that was that. After Nate and I broke up, I really couldn’t hide from the truth anymore. I told you that Germany was a time for me to figure things out and a lot of that was figuring _me_ out. I dated two girls and one guy while I was there, and it felt a lot more natural dating women. I saw another woman for a while after I moved back, but nothing has been serious.” Ali explains.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it didn’t matter who I dated, men or women, no one ever made me feel like you did. I’ve compared everything to that one kiss that we shared the night I left and nothing has ever come close. But eventually I started to tell myself it was all hype and the emotion of what happened and that it was unrealistic to keep comparing things to that. So the night of Friendsgiving, when we kissed again, I thought that might fix it. I could kiss you and see that it was just a memory now and let it go.”

 

“Did it work?” Ashlyn asks, afraid of Ali’s answer.

 

There’s a long pause and, for a moment, Ashlyn wonders if Ali has fallen asleep.

 

“No.” Ali says in a small voice. “No one has ever made me feel like you did.” Another pause. “Like you do.”

 

Ashlyn slowly slides down so she’s lying beside Ali. As their eyes have adjusted to the darkness, they study each other’s faces as best they can for a long moment. Ashlyn carefully leans in and presses her lips to Ali’s. It starts slow, and gentle, but builds into something much deeper. It isn’t heated or hungry, but is filled with longing and sorrow and fear and comfort, all at the same time. Ashlyn pulls away slowly.

 

“Goodnight, Al.” She whispers.

 

“Goodnight, Ash.”

 

***

 

Debbie unlocks Ali’s front door around eight o’clock on Saturday morning. She sets her bag of groceries down on the counter and looks for any sign that Ali is awake. Ali had called her from the waiting room of the ED the night before and explained in limited detail what had happened. Debbie was sitting in the front seat of her car before Ali finally convinced her to stay home until morning. She insisted she was with friends and was feeling overwhelmed and just needed to go home and sleep. After she promised that she was safe and wouldn’t be alone, Deb relented.

 

She makes her way to Ali’s room and knocks lightly on the door but is met with silence.

 

“Alex?” Debbie asks, opening the door and poking her head in. “Honey are you—”

 

She stops mid-sentence as she sees her daughter curled into the side of a very familiar figure. Ali’s arm rests gently over Ashlyn’s stomach, who is still lying on top of the blankets.

 

“Mom?” Ali asks groggily.

 

“Hi Honey.” Debbie says, stepping into the room.

 

Ali realizes now that she’s wrapped up in Ashlyn and bolts upright in bed, rubbing her face over her hands to try and wake herself up a bit more. Ashlyn’s eyes flutter open and fall on Debbie standing near the end of the bed. She too sits up quickly, completely unsure of what to do next.

 

“Alex, sweetie, I was so worried about you.” Debbie says hurrying to her daughter’s side and wrapping her in her arms. “Oh look at your face!” She cries, pulling away to get a better look.

 

“I’m okay.” Ali says with a wince as she starts to feel the soreness and swelling in her cheek.

 

“What can I do to help?” Deb asks kindly.

 

“Coffee.” Ali says seriously.

 

“Coffee I can handle.” She smiles at her daughter. Meanwhile, Ashlyn still sits beside Ali, completely still, hoping Debbie might forget she’s there.

 

“I’m really sore.” Ali groans as she stretches her arms. “I think I’m going to take a really hot shower.”

 

“Good idea.” Deb pats her leg. “You shower, and I’ll make coffee and breakfast.” She kisses Ali’s cheek.

 

Ali heads to her bathroom, leaving Ashlyn and Debbie alone together for the first time in years. Ashlyn’s mind is flooded with the memory of her last conversation with Deb.

 

_Ashlyn hasn’t left her room in a week. She hasn’t showered either. Her mouth is dry, her head aches, and she’s not really sure what day it is. She’s been trying to fall asleep for two hours to no avail. When her phone rings, she has no intention of answering it. The call ends and Ashlyn screws her eyes shut again, trying to will sleep to find her. When her phone starts ringing again, she glances at the caller ID._

 

_When she sees that it’s Ali’s mom, she picks the phone up, but doesn’t answer it yet. She wants to let it go to voicemail. She wants to not care._

 

_But she can’t._

 

_“Hello?” Her voice is rough from lack of use._

 

_“Ashlyn?”_

 

_“Hi Debbie.”_

 

_“Honey, are you sick?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_There’s a brief pause._

 

_“Ashlyn, what’s this nonsense about you not coming to spend the summer with us?”_

 

_“I can’t make it.”_

 

_“I don’t know what’s going on between you and Alex, but you two will work it out. You love each other too much. She said you decided not to come, without any explanation and that you don’t even want to see her right now. I know you wouldn’t do that, but she’s really sick over this.”_

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

_“Ashlyn, I don’t believe that you said that for a minute. I love Ali, but sometimes she has trouble seeing things from someone else’s perspective at first. You two aren’t seeing eye to eye right now, but why don’t you let me come and get you and we can work this out.”_

 

_“We can’t.” Ashlyn says, fighting back tears._

 

_“You know she’s leaving in a couple of months. I don’t want either of you to—”_

 

_“She’s telling the truth.” Ashlyn cuts the woman off._

 

_“What?” Debbie asks, surprised._

 

_“I didn’t give her a reason. I just bailed. I don’t want to see her.”_

 

_“I don’t understand.”_

 

_“Bye, Debbie.”_

 

Debbie has a look of warm affection on her face as she smiles at Ashlyn. She’s thrilled to see the woman she once looked at as another daughter.

 

“Come on, Ashlyn. You can join me in the kitchen.” Deb says walking out into the hallway. Ashlyn hesitantly gets up and follows after her.

 

Ashlyn stops at the mirror leaning on Ali’s dresser and runs her hand through her short hair a few times, trying to smooth her bedhead a bit, although it doesn’t do much. Once in the kitchen, she sits at the small table and watches as Debbie starts the pot of coffee and starts working on breakfast.

 

“It’s good to see you Ashlyn.” Debbie says as she scrambles eggs on the stove. “It’s been a while.”

 

“It has.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“It’s very kind of you to help Ali like this.” The older woman says sincerely.

 

“She was so shaken up when I got there last night, I couldn’t have left her if I wanted to.” Ashlyn says. “But I didn’t want to.” She adds.

 

“When you got there?” Debbie asks in confusion. “Did you meet her at the hospital then?”

 

“Actually, I was on shift and my partner Heather and I got the call. I knew right away it was her shop.”

 

“Are you a police officer?”

 

“Oh, uh, no. A paramedic.” Ashlyn answers, the realization hitting her that Ali hasn’t mentioned her to Debbie at all.

 

Debbie grins at her. “That’s wonderful, sweetheart. Do you enjoy it?”

 

“Yes ma’am.” Ashlyn says with her own smile, finally relaxing a bit at the pride she hears in Debbie’s voice.

 

“Don’t ‘ma’am’ me!  You know better than that.” Deb scolds.

 

“Sorry.” Ashlyn says sheepishly. “It’s sort of force of habit now with my job.”

 

“Oh but that’s for strangers. I’m sure you don’t slip up and call your friends ‘ma’am.’”

 

“I feel like a stranger.” Ashlyn responds.

 

Debbie walks over to her and places a hand on Ashlyn’s cheek.

 

“Oh Ashlyn. It’s different with family. Sometimes you drift, but they’re always yours.” Deb says. She moves her hand up to Ashlyn’s hair and smooths it a bit. “I like this.” Debbie says matter-of-factly. “It’s very becoming on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feeling? Questions? Favorite parts/lines?
> 
> Did it live up to your expectations? How do you think this changes Ali and Ashlyn's relationship? 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	10. Wounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains a scene of gun violence. Given the horrific events in Las Vegas, I contemplated not posting this chapter at all. I want to be sensitive to the hurt that everyone is currently feeling, and I never, ever intend to make light of something so serious. But this chapter has been planned for a few weeks, and I feel it's an important element in the character arc it pertains to, so I've decided to post it with warning.
> 
> The chapter also includes mention of suicide and description of self-inflicted wounds. 
> 
> If you'd like to avoid these things, you'll want to skip over the flashback scene that is written in italics. If you feel more comfortable skipping the whole chapter, I completely understand. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.

Ashlyn is overwhelmed by the sincere maternal affection that Debbie is offering her. It was something that the older woman had always been generous with, and something that Ashlyn had always valued greatly. When she first met Debbie, her relationship with her own mother had become non-existent, and much of her childhood wasn’t typical, so she was a little uncomfortable with the loving gestures Debbie gave so freely. But over the course of that first summer that Ashlyn spent with Ali and her family, she learned to not only trust Deb, but see that she truly cared about her. She tried hard to never take any of it for granted.

 

In the last two years, Ashlyn and her mother, Tammye, had worked hard to mend their relationship. Tammye had always loved her children very much, and it wasn’t that she wasn’t affectionate with them, it was that she hadn’t been around much. When Ashlyn was a little girl her parents both worked multiple jobs, and when they weren’t working, they had the demons they were battling to keep them away. Now that Tammye was clean and sober, and Ashlyn was speaking to her again, she felt like she couldn’t get close enough to her daughter. She held her tightly in every hug, and would rub the back of her hand across Ashlyn’s cheek as they spoke, or run a hand through her hair. It was nice, and Ashlyn appreciated that her mother was trying, but Tammye’s affection felt needy. It felt like a desperate attempt to hold close what she had very nearly let go of permanently. But the way Deb patted Ashlyn’s cheek and smoothed her hair felt natural. It was just the way she showed she cared for someone. Ashlyn missed the warmth and kindness that Debbie had shown her, and feeling it again now, after all that happened, made Ashlyn feel guilty.

 

“Look, Mrs-“Ashlyn starts as Debbie walks towards her with a mug of coffee.

 

“Oh, honey.” Deb cuts her off, holding the mug away from Ashlyn. “I’m going to dump this coffee down the drain if you don’t knock that shit off. It’s Debbie and you know it.”

 

“Debbie.” Ashlyn nods. “I’m sorry.” Ashlyn says sheepishly. “I just wanted to earn your respect again.”

 

Deb looks at her carefully, studying the serious expression Ashlyn wears. “You already have my respect, Ashlyn. Especially after what you did for Ali last night.”

 

Ashlyn nods slowly, and forces a small smile. She can’t help but feel a sting of hurt when she again realizes that Ali hasn’t told her mother that she was there after her accident.

 

“I mean it.” Debbie says, placing the mug in Ashlyn’s hand and giving her shoulder a squeeze as she heads back to the stove.

 

“I appreciate that.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “I would understand if you were angry with me for what I did.”

 

“And what exactly did you do?” Debbie asks.

 

“Well, for that phone call…” Ashlyn says nervously.

 

“Ah.” Debbie says understanding now. “You think I might be upset because you lied to me?”

 

Ashlyn looks a little surprised. “How long have you known it was a lie?”

 

“Since the moment it came out of your mouth. I told you on that very phone call I didn’t believe a word of it, and try as you might to convince me it was true, I knew it wasn’t.”

 

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

“You wanted to protect Alex.”

 

“I did.” Ashlyn admits in a small voice. “But I hate the idea that you might think I didn’t appreciate what you did for me. You really took care of my when my own family couldn’t and I repaid you by hanging up on you and not saying another word to you until, well, now.”

 

Debbie nods as she thinks for a moment. Silence falls over the pair, save for the sounds of the pan sizzling on the stove.

 

“She did eventually tell me, you know.” Deb says. “About her being the one who left. I was sure you were lying on that phone call, but Alex didn’t come clean until the end of the summer. She’d stopped sleeping and spent most of the summer with this sort of vacant, detached look on her face. It was about a week before we left for Berlin that she broke. I hadn’t let up about calling you before she left and she just…broke.” A sad, serious look takes over Debbie’s face as she remembers her daughter’s anguish. “I think I owe you an apology too, Ashlyn. I didn’t know how difficult things had become for you. I should have done more for you.”

 

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “You did more than enough. I needed to get myself together and really it was something I needed to do on my own.”

 

“It seems like you’re in a better place now.” Debbie states.

 

“I am.”

 

Deb brings two plates over to the table and sets one down in front of Ashlyn.

 

“Thank you for the flowers.” Debbie says with a wide smile.

 

“Oh.” Ash says, taken aback. She swallows hard and mutters, “You’re welcome.”

 

Ashlyn is shocked. Every year since Ali left, Ashlyn has sent Debbie an arrangement of yellow flowers on Mother’s Day. She never included a note or a card, just had them delivered to her every year. She had always wondered if Deb would have figured out they were from her, and now she had her answer. But before Ashlyn can say anything else about it, Ali enters the kitchen, and sits down next to Ashlyn at the small kitchen table.

 

“Here, sweetie.” Debbie says handing Ali a mug of coffee. Ashlyn notices how Ali’s hands shake slightly as she takes it from her.

 

“Thanks, Mom.” Ali replies with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She takes a long sip of the coffee before carefully setting it down beside the plate before her.

 

Debbie turns back to the counter to prepare her own plate and when her back is turned, Ashlyn reaches silently for Ali’s wrist, pressing to two fingers to it to feel her pulse. She feels it beating rapidly beneath her touch and offer’s Ali’s hand a squeeze before pulling her arm back. Debbie joins them for breakfast and Ashlyn watches as Ali chews slowly, cringing a little at the pain she feels in her cheek with the movement.

 

“Did you take any Naproxen this morning?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Not yet.”

 

Ashlyn stands and sees the prescription bottle Alex had given them as they left last night sitting on the counter. She grabs it and sets it in front of Ali before going to the freezer and finding an ice pack. She opens a couple of drawers and cupboards looking for a dishtowel when Debbie meets her eyes.

 

“Cabinet above the fridge.” She says before a bite of her eggs.

 

Ashlyn bring the ice to Ali who mumbles a quiet “thank you” and continues to stare at her plate.

 

The three get back to eating, Deb taking the lead on helping Ali get through what will undoubtedly be a tiring day. Ali agrees that going to the police station first thing is the best plan. She’s nervous and uncomfortable and wants to get it out of the way. She explains that she’s called her insurance agent and they’ll be sending someone to her shop to take photos and go through things with her at two o’clock.

 

“I text Kelley and Christen earlier, and they want to come help with cleanup when the insurance people leave. I told them I’d let them know.” Ali says.

 

“Let me know, too.” Ashlyn says taking her plate to the sink. “Please.”

 

Ali nods.

 

“I mean it, Al. I want to help.” Ashlyn adds. “Don’t let her convince you otherwise, Deb.” Ashlyn says, looking at Ali’s mother.

 

Ashlyn’s phone chimes with a text alert and she reads it quickly before sliding her phone back into her pocket.

 

“Has your phone number changed?” Debbie asks.

 

“What?”

 

“Your number, is it the same one you had in college?”

 

“High school, actually.” Ashlyn says with a light chuckle.

 

“Then I’ll just text you myself.” Debbie replies.

 

Ali jerks her head towards her mother in surprise.

 

“Oh, okay. Thanks, Deb.” Ashlyn says, her phone sounding again. She pulls it out and sends a quick text. “Heather is out front.”

 

“Thanks so much for all your help.” Debbie says, rising to hug Ashlyn, who meets her at the table.

 

“I wanted to.” Ashlyn says. “I need to go grab my things from your room, Ali. Is it okay if I bring these to you later?” She asks gesturing to the t-shirt and sweats she’s wearing.

 

“Yeah, of course.” Ali says.

 

Ashlyn goes down the hall and grabs her uniform that she hadn’t bothered changing out of at the station and returns to the kitchen. She approaches Ali, still sitting at the table, unsure of what to do. She reaches a hand out and places it atop Ali’s head. Ali closes her eyes at the touch. Ashlyn leaves her hand there a moment before smoothing Ali’s hair back a couple of times, which is piled up in a bun.

 

“I’ll see you later, Al.”

 

“Thank you.” Ali whispers.

 

Ashlyn nods, then turns and heads out the front door.

 

***

 

“Thanks for coming to get me, Heather.” Ashlyn says pulling the door closed as she climbs into Heather’s car.

 

“No problem.” Heather smiles at her disheveled friend. “How’s she holding up?”

 

“She could be better. I don’t know if she’s just nervous about having to give another interview today, or if the weight of the whole thing is sinking in, but she was pretty shaky all morning. Racing heart, clammy skin, the whole deal.”

 

“It’s a terrifying thing to happen to anyone, but only a few months after a big car accident too? Girl can’t catch a break.”

 

“Doesn’t seem fair.” Ashlyn says, staring out her window.

 

Ashlyn and Heather drive in quiet for a few minutes before Ashlyn pulls out her phone, presses a contact, and holds it to her ear.

 

“Hey, Kel.” Ashlyn greets when her friend picks up. “I need a favor.”

 

***

 

Ashlyn is thrilled to see Ali looking much more calm and relaxed when she reaches her store that afternoon. Her face has a bit of color again, and the smile she gives Ashlyn is genuine. Speaking with the detectives and recounting the ordeal, yet again, hadn’t been easy for Ali, but it was a relief to be done. She felt even better when the detectives told her that the man who had attacked her was wanted for several other charges as well and he’d be spending more than a few years in prison. They also reassured her that they’d see to it that he’d go before a judge who would sentence him to what he deserved.

 

The interview process had been tough for Debbie too, who hadn’t yet heard all the details of the attack. She hated sitting with Ali, watching her relive the event of the night before, filled with anger and sadness and an incredible need to protect her daughter, but it was already over. When Ali and her mother had arrived at the shop to meet with the woman from the insurance company, Ali had been frustrated by the damage and the mess it Left. Deb had been greatly disturbed by what it all meant.

 

After the woman from the insurance company had taken photos and documented all the damage, she gave Ali the okay to start cleaning up and putting her shop back in order. Christen arrived first with surprise guest Tobin, and immediately got to work posting on all of Revival’s social media accounts to let people know, in limited detail, what had happened and that the store would be closed until next week. Tobin spent a few minutes catching up with Debbie and answering all her motherly questions about what she’s been doing the last few years.

 

When Ashlyn arrives, she immediately starts on any heavy lifting that needs to be done. The shelf that Ali had been knocked into was broken beyond repair, but another shelf that had been taken down with it, could be salvaged. Ashlyn was kneeling on the floor with a screw driver, securing a shelf, when Ali came over carrying an empty box. She begins picking up merchandise that had been thrown from the shelves and placing anything that was damaged in the box. They worked side-by-side in silence for a few moments.

 

“Thank you for coming to help.” Ali says.

 

“That’s what friends do, right?” Ashlyn asks hesitantly.

 

“Are we friends?” Ali asks.

 

Ashlyn’s face falls. She knew things had been very tense between them, and she was the one who had asked for space, but she was hoping that maybe they were coming through the other side of it now.

 

“We used to be.” Ashlyn says, sadly. She sets the screwdriver down and sits back on her heels, turning to face Ali fully. “I’d like to be again.”

 

Ali’s face lights up and breaks into a big, nose-crinkling smile. “Really?” She asks, her voice full of hope, but lined with fear.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says with a nod. “I have to be honest, I was terrified by the thought at first. Everything felt like it went up in flames so quickly with us. But I can’t get rid of this feeling that something is trying to lead me back to you. No matter how much distance I try and get between us, something brings us back together.”

 

“I’d appreciate it if those things stopped putting in me danger.” Ali jokes. “But seriously, I agree. I keep having these dreams…”

 

“Dreams?”

 

“Dreams, but they’re mostly memories. Things from the past, from _our_ past. They feel like a sign or something.”

 

“Do you want to have coffee with me?” Ashlyn asks, a bit abruptly.

 

“Oh, um, yeah. I’d like that.”

 

“I’d like it too.” Ashlyn smiles.

 

“Monday?” Ali suggests. “Since this place is closed Mondays. We could go before class? Or another time. Whatever you want.”

 

Ashlyn feels a small wave a disappointment over having to wait until Monday, but she’s happy that Ali seems interested.

 

“Monday is great. I have a meeting before class, but that morning would work.” Ashlyn says.

 

“It’s a coffee date then.” Ali grins.

 

Ashlyn is about to open her mouth when Kelley walks through the front door, followed by a woman with big hair and heavy make-up, wearing a black, half-zip pullover with a local news station logo on it

 

“Ali!” Kelley calls. “There’s a news crew here!”

 

Ali jumps up, glancing at Ashlyn again before greeting the woman who has just walked in.

 

The reporter introduces herself to Ali and explains that she wants to do a piece on her for the seven and eleven o’clock newscasts. Ali is baffled at first about how she garnered the attention of the local news station, but the woman explains that a couple of other local business owners had started a GoFundMe page for her, after speaking with her this morning. They wanted to do what they could for Ali, knowing how difficult it can be for a small business to have to close for days at a time. This was the second time in only a few months that Ali’s store had to take a hit because of something terrible happening, and her community wanted to give back to someone they value and respect so much. Christen brings Ali’s iPad over to her to show her the donation page and all the comments everyone had left for her. Ali is instantly overwhelmed reading what everyone has said and she can’t keep the tears from falling. The reporter quickly gestures to the camera operator asking him to start filming, capturing Ali’s genuine response to the outpouring of love.

 

“How does it make you feel, seeing the community’s response?” The reporter asks.

 

“It’s a lot, honestly.” Ali says wiping at a tear. “It means so much to know that I’m so supported. Some of these are from people I’ve never even met. It’s overwhelming.”

 

“They’ve raised almost $6,000 in five hours.” The reporter states.

 

“I can’t believe it. It’s too much.” Ali says.

 

“What kinds of things will the donations be able to help you with?”

 

“I’m really lucky, actually, because this place is a mess, but everything that was taken was recovered. I’ll need to buy some new shelves and re-organize a bit but I was so fortunate. To be honest, insurance will help me with the necessary repairs, but the funds raised to help cover the lost revenue from being closed, well I’d like to be able to use it to give back as well. If the donors are okay with that.”

 

“Give back how?”

 

“Something like a scholarship for a paramedic training program or something. I’ve been through two really scary experiences and in both I owe everything to the first responders and police officers who kept me safe. I mean I don’t know what I would have done without Ashlyn.” Ali says gesturing to the short-haired woman standing just out of frame.

 

“And who is Ashlyn?” The reporter asks, nodding her head towards her.

 

“Ash is a paramedic and she was there for my car accident and last night.”

 

“Sounds like she’s your real-life superhero.”

 

“She really is.” Ali meets Ashlyn’s eyes with a warm smile, and Ashlyn blushes.

 

The reporter loves this element of the story and asks Ashlyn several questions, as well as asking Ali to walk them through the store, and provide them with photos from her car accident. The reporter explains that they’ll be editing the piece and providing more information through narration as well as the interviews with Ali, Ashlyn, and some of the other shop owners on the street.

 

The segment airs that night, Ali’s bruised and swollen cheek on full display, and the camera panning down her to catch her wrist brace when she gestures as she speaks. The reporter details Ali’s car crash as they cut away to the photos Ali provided of her demolished car, and then to another of her asleep in the hospital, her arm and face and leg all heavily bandaged. Ali is relieved that the interview is heavily edited to make her sound more coherent, but they were sure to leave in her emotional response to the GoFundMe page. The reporter highlights Ashlyn’s important role as a formal portrait of Ashlyn in her uniform plays. She is both charming and humble in her interview, and Ali finds herself rewinding the newscast twice to watch Ashlyn again. The segment ends with a close-up of the pair, staring into each other’s eyes, Ashlyn’s cheeks tinged pink at Ali calling her her hero, as Ali’s face breaks into a wide smile.

 

*****

 

First thing Monday morning, Ashlyn texts Ali the address of her favorite coffee shop, asking her to meet her there at eleven. Ashlyn spends a little too much time that morning fixing her hair and changing her outfit. When she’s out of time, she gets in her Jeep and heads to the coffee shop she stops in every morning that she’s on shift. She walks in the door and both the girl behind the counter and the barista working behind her, greet her by name.

 

“Morning, Ash.” The girl at the register says. “In on a day off? This is new for you.” She says noticing the absence of Ashlyn’s uniform.

 

“I thought two days a week wasn’t enough. You might miss me too much.” She replies with a smirk.

 

“We’re always happy to see you.” The girl smiles. “Your usual?” she asks.

 

“Yeah, but make it two, and for here. I’m meeting someone.” Ashlyn says pulling out her wallet and handing over her cash.

 

The bell on the door sounds as someone walks in behind her, and the girl behind the counter looks up and offers a familiar smile.

 

“Hey, Ali! I’ll be right with you.”

 

At the name, Ashlyn turns around to see Ali standing behind her. She’s wearing black jeans and boots with an oversized red flannel shirt, her sunglasses are perched on her head, pushing her hair back.

 

“Hey.” Ashlyn says, trying not to stare too much. “I just ordered. I hope your order hasn’t changed. I guess I should have waited.”

 

“Nope, that’s perfect. Thank you.” Ali says. “Hi, Hank!” She waves at the barista currently making her coffee.

 

“So I take it this isn’t your first stop in here?” Ashlyn says with a chuckle. “I should have known you’d find this place. You’ve always taken coffee very seriously.”

 

“And this place is the best.” Ali says.

 

“Damn right it is.” The girl at the register says. “If you two want to grab a table, I can bring your drinks out when they’re ready.”

 

Both women nod appreciatively and head deeper into the little coffee shop, finding a table for two by a big window on the far end of the shop. Once they’re sitting down and the coffee is delivered, the conversation starts flowing easily. They start with easier subjects like how their classes are going and weird things Kelley has said or done recently. In many ways, it feels like no time has passed at all. Ali is still vibrant and funny and kind. Ashlyn is passionate and smart and always a little smug. But in other ways, they both feel like they’re just seeing the other for the first time. So much has gone on in the past five years, and both have grown up immensely in that time.

 

“It was great seeing your mom again.” Ashlyn says. “She hasn’t changed a bit in that she’s just as awesome as ever.”

 

“I’m a lucky girl. Although sometimes it’s hard to accept that my mother is cooler than me.”

 

“Don’t take it personally, she’s cooler than all of us.”

 

“Things seem to be better with your mom?” Ali asks.

 

“We’re still working on it, but yeah. It’s been great. I’m grateful to have her back in my life. My dad too, but that one is a little more difficult.”

 

“What changed? I mean, you weren’t speaking to your mom at all when I left for Germany.”

 

“She started working on her sobriety, that was a big step. But the real turning point was about two years ago, when I got shot.” Ashlyn says casually.

 

Ali’s face contorts into a look that Ashlyn can’t recognize. For a moment she thinks Ali might throw up. She looks sad and panicked, but there’s also an anger burning behind her eyes.

 

“Al?” Ashlyn asks, unsure of what’s happening.

 

“I’m sorry.” Ali says, her tone unreadable. “I…” But she can’t finish her sentence.

 

“You didn’t know?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“No.” Ali says quietly.

 

“I’m sorry, I just assumed—”

 

“Don’t apologize, I would have assumed the same thing.”

 

“I didn’t mean to drop that on you though. Especially not after the weekend you had.”

 

“What happened?” Ali asks tentatively.

 

Ashlyn takes a deep breath and starts as Ali leans forward, her eyes locked intently on the woman before her.

 

***

 

_Heather glanced sideways at Ashlyn as they sped off to the call. She knew that Ashlyn was nothing but a professional, but suicide calls were hard. Ashlyn was familiar with the darkness that fell over these people. She knew he numbness that could drive a person to a point where they couldn’t see any other option. It wasn’t giving up, or an escape route, it was a solution. Sometimes, Ashlyn and Heather couldn’t do anything to help, but other times, Ashlyn would hold someone’s hand and tell them she was so glad they were here and that their life was worth saving._

 

_Ashlyn jumps out of the ambulance before they’ve even reached a complete stop, opening the back doors and grabbing her equipment then heading for the door as fast as she could with Heather following behind her. A young man, not much older than twenty, frantically meets them at the door. He’s shaking and crying and can hardly get his words out, but manages to direct them to the bathroom._

 

_“My girlfriend. She’s in there. It’s bad.” He says._

 

_“What’s her name?” Ashlyn asks following where he’s pointing._

 

_“Ella.”_

 

_“How old?” Heather asks._

 

_“Nineteen.”_

 

_“Are you injured?” Heather asking, noticing the blood on the man’s clothing._

 

_“It’s hers.” He replies._

 

_Ashlyn pushes the door to the narrow bathroom open and finds the young woman lying on her back on the tile floor. She’s bleeding profusely from both wrists, her arms resting over her stomach and soaking her shirt.  Ashlyn kneels beside her and immediately gets to work to stop the bleeding, and heather, taking one look at the scene, tells Ashlyn she’s going to get the stretcher._

 

_Ashlyn notices, based on where the slashes on her wrists are, that the girl clearly hadn’t researched this before her attempt. She hopes for a moment that maybe her lack of planning means she’ll be able to pull through her wounds both physically and mentally. But something strikes Ashlyn as odd about the way the girl is laying, and how her hands are positioned. She realizes quickly that blood is pooling beneath the woman, and there’s no way it’s coming from her wrists. Ashlyn lifts her shirt and finds several stab wounds that are clearly not self-inflicted._

 

_“Shit.” Ashlyn breathes out. She hears Heather approaching behind her. “HAO, call police. This isn’t a suicide attempt.”_

 

_Silence._

 

_Click._

 

_“Heather?”_

 

_Pounding on the front door._

 

_Muffled shouts._

 

_Ashlyn turns to meet the barrel of a hand gun. It’s shaking as the nervous man takes aim._

 

_“You’re not calling anyone!” He shouts, tears streaming down his face._

 

_“Ashlyn holds her hands up in front of her in surrender. She tries to talk the kid down._

 

_“Just let me help Ella, okay? You called us, right? Because you wanted to help her. You want her to be okay.”_

 

_“You’ll call the cops! If I let you leave you’ll call the cops!”_

 

_“Let me work on her. You can stay right there, but I’m going to move now. I’m going to help Ella.”_

 

_He lets her turn and keep working on Ella, the gun still trained on her with shaking hands. But the sound of Heather breaking open the front door startles the kid and he fires. Ashlyn feels the distinctive burn radiating through her shoulder. She feels the blood rapidly soaking through her clothes and knows the bullet must have nicked her brachial artery. She knows she doesn’t have long before she’ll likely lose consciousness but refuses to give up on Ella._

 

_Then she hears a second shot and the thud of a body as it hits the ground. She stumbles out of the bathroom to a horrified Heather._

 

_“Get Ella out of here!” Ashlyn commands._

 

_“The police are on their way.” Heather says, moving into the bathroom. They can hear sirens in the distance indicating they’re close._

 

_Ashlyn drags herself and her bag into the hall and finds the young man in a pile on the floor. She examines him as best she can, and finds he’s tried to shoot himself in the head but managed to stay alive. She does all she can to keep him alive as police and paramedics flood the small house. She hears Heather’s voice in a commanding tone but can’t make out what she’s saying as it suddenly fades away. Another paramedic pushes her back and takes over with the man in the hallway and as she slumps back against the wall, the room goes dark._

 

_She wakes up hours later in the ICU. She’s disoriented and thinks she must be dreaming when she sees her mother holding her hand. But she’s not. Tammye sits by her side, while her grandmother sits in a chair near the end of the bed. Her brother Chris leans against the arm of the chair, his grandmother’s hand in his own. She had lost a lot of blood, nearly bleeding out before they were able to stabilize her and get her into emergency surgery. She had been out long enough for her family to fly in from Florida and be there when she woke up. As she’s getting her bearings, Heather and Kelley enter the small room. Kelley’s face is tear-stained and Heather clutches on to her like it’s the only thing that’s keeping her upright. It’s a couple of days before Ashlyn has put all the pieces back together and everyone has stopped panicking._

 

_“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you for the next few months.” Heather says sitting down beside Ashlyn._

 

_“I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.” Ashlyn grumbles._

 

_“Kelley said she talked to your boss about teaching some courses for the program at the community college once you’re up and moving a little more.”_

 

_“I think I finally understanding the saying ‘those who can’t, teach.’” Ashlyn says dryly._

 

_“I know it sucks, Ash. I can’t even imagine. But I want you to be okay so you and I can be partners for a long, long time.”_

 

_“Oh, so strictly for selfish reasons?”_

_“Absolutely.” Heather says._

 

_Ashlyn lets out a small laugh and reaches over to pat Heather’s leg._

 

_“Thank you, Heather.” She says seriously._

 

_“You scared the shit out of me.” Heather says looking at Ashlyn’s hand on her leg._

 

_“Me too.” Tammye says from the doorway._

 

_“I’m sorry mom.” Ashlyn says. She’s uncomfortable. It means so much that her mom is there, but things are still strained, although they’re both trying desperately to ignore it._

 

_“Oh no, honey. I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty.”_

 

_“I know. But I’m still sorry.”_

 

_“I’m going to go grab a coffee.” Heather says excusing herself from the tension in the room. “Can I get either of you anything?”_

 

_“No, I’m okay, thanks HAO.” Ashlyn says._

 

_“No thanks, sweetheart.” Tammye adds._

 

_Tammye takes Heather’s seat beside Ashlyn._

 

_“I’ve been struggling with something” Tammye admits after a long minute._

 

_Ashlyn looks at her expectantly._

 

_“Why did you help him?” Her mother asks, her expression pained. “He hurt that girl and then he hurt you and you risked your life to try and help that monster.”_

 

_“It’s not my job to decide who lives or dies. It’s my job to help people.”_

 

_“Even if it cost you your life?” Tammye asks incredulously._

 

_“It wouldn’t have mattered because I woouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn’t done everything I could.”_

 

***

 

Ashlyn walks into her classroom that evening, still glowing from her coffee with Ali. She had a great time, even though Ali had never quite recovered after she told her about what happened two years ago. Still, she found herself excited to see Ali again, even if it had only been a few hours.

 

When she walks in the room she finds Jane sitting in the front row, leaning back in her chair, with her feet propped up on the table in front of her.

 

“What’s up, Harris?” She says with a smirk.

 

“You’re early.”

 

“Just as you requested.”

 

“Great. You can staple these then.” Ashlyn says dropping a stack of papers on the table next to her and setting the stapler on top. “The copy machine was out, so it’s a good thing you’re here.”

 

Jane rolls her eyes and puts her feet back on the floor as she reaches for the papers and the stapler.

 

“Oh, your girlfriend was looking for you earlier.” Jane says with a squeeze of the stapler.

 

“She was?” Ashlyn is confused. Amanda hadn’t mentioned that she would be stopping by, but of course it was totally like her to drop by uninvited.

 

“Yep. Told me to tell you she’s looking for you.”

 

“Oh. Okay.” Ashlyn says stepping out into the hallway and looking around for Amanda.

 

She spots Ali standing behind the podium in her classroom clicking through some slides and steps across the hall, knocking on the doorframe.

 

Ali looks up at the noise and smiles as her eyes land on Ashlyn. “Oh, hey. Did Jane tell you I was looking for you?” Ali asks.

 

Now Ashlyn is even more confused. “Oh, uh, yeah. I guess she did.”

 

Ali walks to her bag and pulls out Ashlyn’s favorite sunglasses.

 

“You left these on the bench after coffee.” Ali says holding them out to Ashlyn.

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn says, taking them.

 

The two lock eyes and smile at each other for a long moment.

 

“Um, Ms. Krieger?” A voice asks from behind them, breaking their gaze.

 

“Hi, Mallory.” Ali says looking to the girl.

 

“Can I ask you a couple questions about the homework?”

 

“Sure thing.” Ali nods.

 

“Have a great class, Ms. Krieger.” Ashlyn says with a wink. She turns and exists the classroom.

 

After class, Ali hopes to chat with Ashlyn again, but she sees her heading down the hall to her office, with two students on her heels and decides it’s a better idea to just text her later.

 

***

 

When Ali unlocks her door that night and walks into her kitchen, she’s surprised to find Kelley pulling a baking dish from the oven.

 

“Hey, buddy!” Kelley greets. “I hope you’re hungry.”

 

Ali glares at her friend.

 

“What’s that look for?” Kelley asks.

 

“What are you doing here, Kelley?” Ali practically spits out.

 

“Ali, what’s wrong?” Kelley asks, concerned and a little afraid.

 

“Why are you here?” Ali asks again.

 

“Ashlyn asked if I would come stay with you after your mom left. She’s worried about you.”

 

“I don’t want you here.” Ali says coldly.

 

“I’m really confused. Did I do something?”

 

“It’s not what you did, Kelley. It’s everything you haven’t done.”

 

“Where did this come from?!” Now Kelley is getting frustrated. “It doesn’t feel very fair for you to be so angry with me and not tell me why.”

 

“You’ve done nothing but keep secrets from me for _years!_ You didn’t tell me how badly Ashlyn was struggling after I left. You didn’t tell me that you were still best friends with her.”

 

“Ali—”

 

“No!” Ali cuts her off. “She almost died, Kelley! Someone almost _killed_ her, and you didn’t bother to tell me!”

 

“So you could do what? Hop on a plane and come back here and fuck her up some more?!”

 

“Excuse me?!” Ali shouts, crossing her arms in front of her.

 

“You hurt her, Ali! The last thing she needed in that moment was the one thing that hurt her more than that bullet, walking back into her life.”

 

Kelley regrets her words as soon as they’re coming out of her mouth. There’s some truth in her words. At the time, Ashlyn had worked so hard to get where she was, but she was still tender from the wound that Ali left. It was true that Kelley hadn’t told Ali what had happened because she knew she’d come back, and she didn’t think it was what was best for Ashlyn. But Kelley shouldn’t have said it like she did and she knew it. She felt attacked by Ali, and let her temper get the best of her. Now she stood in front of her best friend unable to take back the hurtful words she had just fired at her.

 

“Get out.” Ali says through gritted teeth.

 

“Ali, I’m sor—”

 

“ _Get. Out.”_

 

Kelley can hear that she means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this one didn't flow as nicely as some of the others or if it felt a little disjointed. I hope you were still able to enjoy it. 
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think in the comments! I appreciate and read every single one, even if I don't get a chance to respond.


	11. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving right along here! I tapped into some personal experience to draw inspiration for part of this chapter so really I hope you guys understand what I wanted to get across with this one. Let me know what you think. And if you're waiting for a little more romance, I promise we're getting there! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

“ _Get. Out.”_

 

Kelley can hear that she means it.

 

“I’m not going to leave you, Ali.” Kelley says calmly. “You’re not going to run from this.”

 

“Haven’t you ever heard of space? Sometimes people need a minute calm down.” Ali says re-crossing her arms over her and glaring at her friend.

 

“I made a promise to Ashlyn. I’ll leave when you can promise me you won’t wake up a mess at two in the morning.” Kelley counters.

 

Ali can’t deny it. She’s had trouble sleeping since the attack, and she’d told Ashlyn as much. Ali hated that Kelley was using Ashlyn against her in this moment, knowing she wouldn’t say no if she’d made her a promise.

 

“Fuck you.” Ali mutters.

 

“We tried that.” Kelley deadpans. “We both agreed it was weird.”

 

“You really want to do that now, Kel? Here? In my kitchen full of _knives_.” Ali growls.

 

“Really, Ali?!” Kelley laughs with an exaggerated eye-roll. “Murder? That’s what you’re going with”

 

Ali pouts.

 

“Do you even know where you keep your knives?”

 

“I’m serious, Kelley. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or hear you right now.”

 

Kelley can again sense the seriousness and anger in Ali’s tone.

 

“I understand that.” Kelley says in a soft voice. “And I’m going to give you your space, but I’m not going to leave. I’m going to finish up what I’m doing in here and then I’ll go to the guest room to work and leave you to it.”

 

Ali takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She doesn’t try and argue with Kelley, she just turns and walks down the hall to her bedroom. When she returns, she’s changed into sweats and a t-shirt and thrown her hair up on top of her head. She finds Kelley has left a plate for her at the table, along with a glass of wine.

 

Ali looks at the plate of baked chicken, sautéed spinach, and the couscous with figs that Kelley makes with orange juice instead of water. It’s her favorite thing that Kelley makes and she knows it. Ali knows that Kelley had dinner almost completely finished when she came home, so she wasn’t trying to win her over with the dish, Kelley had just wanted to do something nice. When she’s done eating, Ali refills her wine glass with the bottle that Kelley had left on the table, grabs her laptop, and moves to the couch. She curls up under a throw and starts working, but the guilt of shutting Kelley out starts to eat away at her. When Kelley comes out of the guest room to put her plate in the dishwasher and refill her own wine glass, Ali relents a little.

 

“You can work out here if you want.” Ali says, staring at her computer screen.

 

“Yeah?” Kelley asks, hesitantly.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Kelley comes back a minute later with her own laptop and sits on the opposite end of the couch with Ali, neither woman saying another word. Normally Ali would have put on music or some mindless television show, but her mind is racing too much, trying to process everything she learned that day. The only sound that fills the room is the quiet tapping of their keyboards as Kelley and Ali work.

 

After about an hour of quiet tension, Ali speaks.

 

“Did you mean it?” Ali asks, her voice thick with emotion.

 

“Mean what?” Kelley asks, but she has a pretty good idea what Ali is asking.

 

“That I hurt her more than—”

 

“No.” Kelley cuts her off. “That was unfair of me to say. You’re right, Ashlyn almost died. It was totally inappropriate for me to compare your situation with her to that. I’m so sorry Ali.” Kelley says sincerely.

 

“But you didn’t tell me about what happened because I would have made it worse.”

 

“She wasn’t ready. It would have been too much.” Kelley says honestly.

 

Ali hates the feeling that settles over her, the truth. She wants desperately to believe that her leaving gave Ashlyn the push she needed to get her life on track, but the reality is, whether she helped Ashlyn or she didn’t, she had hurt Ashlyn deeply. So deeply in fact, that Ali’s presence wouldn’t have been welcome or comforting in what were the direst moments of Ashlyn’s life.

 

“She really—she almost…?” But Ali can’t bring herself to finish her question.

 

Kelley just nods her head solemnly. “Heather called me when they took her back to surgery. She sounded so strange because the paramedic in her was keeping her calm enough to deliver bad news, but the friend and partner in her was crumbling. When I got to the hospital and found her, she collapsed in my arms. She had been putting on this brave front for everyone and she couldn’t do it anymore. That’s how I knew how serious it was. If HAO was terrified…” Kelley trails off as she remembers. She shakes her head to clear her thoughts. “All I could do was go to the chapel and pray. I prayed _so hard_ , Ali.” Kelley says, staring into Ali’s eyes. “You know I’m a firm believer that prayer without action is meaningless. It’s just wishful thinking. But there was nothing else to do, there was no way I could help, so I just prayed. I knelt in that chapel for probably two hours, with Heather sitting on the pew behind me, her hand on my shoulder the whole time.”

 

Silent tears are streaming down Ali’s face. She had jumped to anger over the secrets Kelley had kept so quickly, that she hadn’t stopped to think about how difficult it must have been for Kelley to nearly lose her best friend.

 

“I’m so sorry, Kel.” Ali whispers.

 

Kelley wipes at her own tears with a sniffle. “Hey, it turned out okay. She’s here, and you’re here, and we’re all learning to get along, right?”

 

“You did do something, you know.” Ali says.

 

Kelley looks at her questioningly, confused.

 

“At the hospital. The whole prayer without action thing. You weren’t _just_ praying. You stayed there with Ash the whole time, you took care of her family, hell you even got her another job.” Ali says with a watery smile. “You did everything you could for her, including making tough decisions like not calling me. You’re always doing so much for everyone around you, Kel. I’m sorry for getting so angry. You’ve done nothing but take care of me. I mean, God, Kelley, I wouldn’t have survived Germany, or opening my shop, or the car accident, or right now, without you. You really are a Saint, Kel.” Ali says, reaching out and taking Kelley’s hand in her own and giving it a squeeze.

 

“I’m sorry that I kept things from you.” Kelley says squeezing back. “I was trying to do the right thing, but that doesn’t mean it was. I could have talked to you about what happened to Ashlyn after the fact. And maybe I should have been upfront about my relationship with Ash, too. But you guys had both been through so much and you were finally doing so well. I was scared to mess it up. I’m sorry for making you feel like you can’t trust me.”

 

“Kel.” Ali says cocking her head to the side and giving her friend a look. “I trust you more than I trust myself. You are the most incredible, kind, caring, hilarious person I know, and you’re my very best friend. Absolutely nothing is going to change that.”

 

Kelley shakes her head as a slight blush colors her cheeks. “Yeah, you’re pretty okay too, I guess.” She teases.

 

“I mean it.”

 

“Me too.”

 

***

 

_Ali is home for a visit in late August. She’s spent most of the day with a couple of friends, but in the evening, her dad picks her up on his way home from work to give her a ride back to her mom’s house. Ali thinks about how she feels like a teenager again, having her parents pick her up from her friend’s house to get her home in time for dinner. Should would have liked to borrow a car but both Deb and Ken needed theirs to get to work so there she sat in the front seat, bopping along to whatever pop hit was playing on the radio, while her dad filled the gas tank._

 

_She’s picking at the chipped polish on her fingernails as she waits when her phone rings._

 

_“Hello?”_

 

_“Hey. Ali. It’s Tobin.”_

 

_It’s been almost two years since Ali has talked with Tobin, and she didn’t even realize she had her new cell phone number._

 

_“Oh, hey! How are you?” Ali asks, trying not to sound too surprised._

 

_“Did you hear about Ashlyn?”_

 

_“Um, no? What about her?” Ali’s heart has started racing. Tobin doesn’t sound panicked or upset, but something isn’t right and she feels fear building rapidly within herself._

 

_“She’s dead.” Ali’s head is spinning now. Everything in her line of vision is a blur as her brain desperately tries to process the words Tobin has said. “She was shot on a call.” Tobin finishes._

 

_“What?” Ali doesn’t believe it. It’s a joke. A sick way to get back at her for being so cruel._

 

_“She was killed.”_

 

_Ali bursts into a fit of sobs, but only chokes out a few before letting out gasping breath and then switching to hollow laughter._

 

_“No.” Ali says with a laugh. “No. You’re lying.”_

 

_“I’m not.” Tobin says calmly._

 

_“This is a joke!” Now Ali’s voice is tinged with anger. Now she wonders if maybe Ashlyn is on the line with them. Perhaps she’d set this all up so she could hear how Ali would react. Maybe it was punishment._

 

_“I’m sorry, Ali.” Tobin doesn’t know what to do. She’d like to end the call but she doesn’t know how._

 

_“I don’t believe you.”_

 

_Suddenly, Ali breaks into another fit of sobs. Her body is shaking and she still can’t see anything. She doesn’t notice her father getting back in the car, doesn’t feel his eyes on her as he tries to figure out what’s happening. She doesn’t notice when he starts the car and pulls back out onto the road. Ali can’t process this. She’s trying so hard but her mind and her body and having two different reactions and nothing feels real. She abruptly stops crying, taking another breath, slower this time._

 

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Ali says somewhat frantically, trying to sound and act as normal as she can._

 

_“It’s okay.” Tobin has stayed on the line despite Ali’s erratic behavior and bizarre accusations._

 

_“I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me. Are you okay?”_

 

_“Yeah, it’s just so bizarre though. I get that it doesn’t feel real. I just saw her two days ago.”_

 

_The reality begins to settle in and Ali knows Ashlyn isn’t listening in on the conversation. She feels hot tears roll down her cheeks._

 

_“I’m really sorry. Will you let me know if you get any more information?” She’s holding herself together, but she doesn’t try to hide that she’s crying now._

 

_“Yeah, of course. When I hear about the service and stuff.”_

 

_“Thank you.”_

 

_“I have to make a few more calls.” Tobin says._

 

_“Yeah, okay. Bye, Tobin.”_

 

_The big, choking sobs take over Ali again and she covers her face with her hands as her cries turn more to screams. Suddenly she wants out of the car, even if it’s moving. She tries to lift herself off the seat but her seatbelt holds her back. She presses a hand to the passenger window as she tries again, only to feel the same resistance of the belt. She shakes her head and calms herself briefly She shouldn’t freak out yet. She can’t get so worked up when she doesn’t know for sure. Doubt has crept back into her mind. She can’t just take one person’s word for it. She needs to confirm._

 

_She hasn’t answered, or even heard, Ken’s questions. He doesn’t know what to do or what’s going on so he continues on, pulling into the Whole Foods parking lot, and climbing out of the car as Ali presses her phone to her ear._

 

_“Hi, honey.” Debbie answers. Ali can hear the smile in her voice._

 

_“Go to nbcwashington.com.” Ali commands softly._

 

_“What?”_

 

_“Go to NBC Washington!” Ali says, her tears falling again._

 

_“Why?” Ali can hear the worry in Debbie’s voice._

 

_“Just do it!” Ali yells into the phone._

 

_Deb is silent for a minute but Ali knows she’s pulling the website up on her computer and scanning for whatever it is that has Ali so rattled._

 

_“Oh.” Deb says, her voice quivering. “Oh God.”_

 

_“Is it true?” Ali says through her tears, already knowing the answer._

 

_“Oh my God.”_

 

_“NO!” Ali screams. “NO!!!” Again her sobs have turned to screams, and she can barely hear Debbie trying to soothe her._

 

_“Baby.” Debbie says through her own tears. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Breathe. Alex, you have to breathe.”_

 

_“Oh my God!” Ali scream-cries into the phone. “Oh my God!” She’s beating her free fist against the seat of the car, and throwing her head back into the headrest with every word._

 

_“Where are you, baby? Put your dad on the phone.”_

 

_“I can’t.” Ali cries._

 

_“What?! Why?!” Deb asks, alarmed._

_“He’s in the Whole Foods.”_

 

_“He left you?!”_

 

_“He doesn’t know.”_

 

_“Okay, honey, I’m going to call your dad, okay? Are you going to be okay?”_

 

_“Yeah.” Ali says with a shuddering breath._

 

_When Ken returns to the car, he says nothing. He just starts the car and drives Ali to Deb’s house, the sound of Ali’s sobs filling the car the whole way. She doesn’t say goodbye to her dad or hug her mother, or even look at anyone. Ali walks straight upstairs, passed her own room and into her mother’s. She crumbles to the floor, falling to her knees, and pressing her face into the mattress near the end of the queen-sized bed. All she can do is continue to cry harder than she ever knew possible. Her body shakes, and she’s not sure how she’s still breathing. Her eyes are nearly swollen shut now, and her throat is raw. She doesn’t know how it’s even possible for the tears to keep falling._

 

_Ashlyn is gone. Her life taken from her by the hands of another. And Ali Cries._

 

_And cries._

 

_And cries._

 

_She cries because she misses Ashlyn._

 

_She cries because she never got to say goodbye._

 

_She cries because she’ll never be able to tell Ashlyn she loved her ever again._

 

***

 

Ali jolts awake, her hair and shirt damp with sweat and tears stinging her eyes. She’s gasping for breath in the dark as she pulls herself free from Kelley’s grasp. She runs to the bathroom and empties the contents of her stomach, narrowly missing the toilet bowl, before turning the shower on cold and getting in, still fully clothed.

 

She sits on the floor and leans against the tile wall, letting the water pour over her until it burns.

 

A dream.

 

It was only a dream.

 

Right now she needs to be sure that she’s awake. She needs to know none of it was real. She lets the frigid water wash away her nightmare, dragging her back to reality.

 

Kelley comes into the bathroom and reaches into the shower, shutting off the water. She pulls Ali up from the ground and wraps her in her arms, not caring about the water now soaking through her own clothing. Ali grips Kelley tightly and cries into her shoulder, grateful that she had refused to leave. The smaller woman strokes Ali’s wet hair while cooing softly at her.

 

“You’re okay.” Kelley says sweetly. “It’s going to be alright.”

 

“She could have died.” Ali says. “She could have _died_ , Kelley.”

 

Kelley only nods.

 

“ _I_ could have died.” Ali finally meets Kelley’s eyes. “I haven’t done anything right and it could have all been over in a minute.”

 

“Oh, Ali.” Kelley says both love and concern plastering her face. “You didn’t though. You’re still here.”

 

Ashlyn’s near-death story had hit Ali especially hard because Ali was already grappling with the fragility of her own life. She was already being haunted by what could have been and with Ashlyn’s story, the could-have-beens had grown to be much bigger than Ali, threatening to swallow her up entirely. She didn’t know how to fight them.

 

“You’re here.”

 

*****

 

Ashlyn pulls her jeans up, buttoning them quickly as she scans the floor for her shirt. She starts to pull back the blankets on the bed, tearing through them before searching the floor, but she still can’t figure out where her shirt had ended up. She’s crouched down, looking under the bed when Amanda saunters in from the bathroom, her hair a mess, wearing nothing but her underwear and Ashlyn’s t-shirt.

 

“What are you doing?” Amanda asks with a bit of a pout.

 

“Looking for my shirt…” Ashlyn says still looking around. Finally she turns to see Amanda. “Found it.” She says with a laugh.

 

“Oh, you wanted this?” Amanda says teasingly, tugging the shoulder of the shirt. “Maybe you should come and take it off me then.”

 

Ashlyn sighs. “As nice as that sounds, I really need to get going.”

 

“But you haven’t stayed over in weeks, Ash!” Amanda whines.

 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Ashlyn forces an apologetic smile.

 

“I want you to stay and hold me.” Amanda says crossing to Ashlyn and kissing her.

 

Ashlyn kisses her back, but doesn’t say anything. If she’s being honest with herself, she knows she doesn’t want anything with Amanda. Calling her again was supposed to a distraction, and now she’s in over her head.

 

Amanda pulls the shirt over her head, only breaking eye-contact when the shirt passes over her face, and hands the shirt Ashlyn.

 

 “At least now it will smell like me.” Amanda says with a smirk.

 

Ashlyn must hide her cringe. She pulls the shirt over her head, pulls her boots on, and places another kiss to Amanda’s cheek before making her exit.

 

Once she’s in her car she realizes it’s only nine o’clock, so instead of heading home, she heads to Tobin’s.  It’s not uncommon for her to show up unannounced at the woman’s house, especially when she needs to talk. She knows Tobin is a night owl so she’s not worried about the time when she pounds on the door.

 

She knows Tobin is home because she can see lights on, but it seems to take her just a little too long to answer the door.

 

“Hey Ash.” Tobin says leaning on the door frame.

 

“I’m a terrible person, Tobs.” Ashlyn says pushing passed her into the entry way.

 

“That doesn’t sound like you.” Tobin says with a shrug.

 

“I don’t know how to fix this.” Ashlyn walks down the hallway into the living room and flops down on Tobin’s couch. She kicks off her shoes before crossing her legs on the coffee table. “I need your advice, man. I’m pretty sure I’m using Amanda.” She rubs her face with her hands. “I don’t want to be that kind of person.”

 

Tobin nods slowly, taking in what Ashlyn has said. “You don’t have to be anyone you don’t want to be.” Tobin says. “Do you want water?”

 

“Sure, thanks.”

 

Tobin pulls a glass from a cupboard and fills it with a pitcher from the fridge, taking her time as she wanders over to Ashlyn and sits beside her. Ashlyn takes the glass and takes a sip.

 

“Hey, Tobs?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Yeah, buddy?”

 

“Are you hiding a girl in your bedroom right now?”

 

Tobin’s eyes go wide.

 

“Wha—I mean---It’s not—”

 

“Were you really going to sit here and get into this conversation with me and leave her in there?!” Ashlyn asks in bewilderment.

 

Tobin closes her eyes and throws her head back on the couch.

 

“Don’t be a dick, dude.” Ashlyn says with a laugh. “It’s okay, Chris!” Ashlyn calls. “You can come finish your wine!”

 

Tobin jerks her head up and looks at Ash in shock. “How did you now it was Christen?!”

 

“Who else would it be?” Ashlyn says, her tone conveying how obvious she believes the situation is.

 

Christen emerges from Tobin’s bedroom with a sheepish smile on her face. “Hi Ash.” She says quietly.

 

“Hey there.” Ashlyn says with a smirk.

 

“Ashlyn is having a crisis.” Tobin says.

 

Christen takes the wine glass that Ashlyn holds out to her and sits down next to Tobin, leaning a little into her side.

 

“Okay. How can I help?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts/lines?
> 
> What do you think Ali needs to do to make herself feel better? What do you think is going on with Ash and Amanda?
> 
> Let me know!


	12. Lucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Thanks for being patient while I gave some time to my other story! I hope this one doesn't disappoint. As always, thank you so much for reading, and please let me know what you think!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

“I know she wants more than I do, but I keep calling her. I keep playing along.  And I know that makes me an asshole but I don’t know why I keep doing it.” Ashlyn laments.

 

“You want casual sex. She wants a relationship.” Tobin recaps.

 

“There was a reason we broke up the first time and it hasn’t changed, but I still called her and told her I wanted to give us another shot. I knew she wanted a relationship going into it and I thought I could do it. I thought it would help but the longer it goes on the harder it is to pretend.” Ashlyn leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees and dropping her head into her hands. “I’m a terrible person.” She groans.

 

“You thought it would help what, Ash?” Tobin asks. She’s sure she already knows the answer, but she wants to hear it in Ashlyn’s words.

 

Ashlyn only groans again in response and ignores the question. “She was wearing my shirt and trying to convince me to stay and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I told her I had to go but I didn’t have anywhere to be. I mean as much as I love ruining your date, it wasn’t exactly on my weekly agenda.”

 

“Wait.” Christen asks sitting up and setting her now empty wine class on Tobin’s coffee table. “You came here straight from a hookup with Amanda?”

 

“Uh, yeah.” Ashlyn says sheepishly. “The guilt is killing me. I would have called Kelley but she’s staying with Ali.”

 

“Oh good!” Christen says clasping her hands together and leaning back into Tobin. “You finally brought her up!”

 

“This isn’t an Ali thing.” Ashlyn mutters.

 

“Oh, sure. Okay.” Christen says with a shrug. “That’s why you’re dating her doppelganger.”

 

“Oh come on.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “So I have type. Big deal.”

 

“Yeah if that type is _girls-who-look-like-Ali-Krieger_.” Tobin adds.

 

“They don’t look that much alike!” Ashlyn protests.

 

“Bullshit!” Tobin shouts with a laugh.

 

“I’ll give you that there are some similarities, but the differences are huge.”

 

Tobin raises her brows, asking Ashlyn to go on.

 

“I mean their smiles for one thing. Ali’s tongue always peeks through her teeth when she’s really happy. Amanda’s doesn’t.”

 

Christen stifles a small laugh.

 

“And their eyes!” Ashlyn continues.

 

“They both have brown eyes.” Tobin says.

 

“Are you kidding me?! They’re totally different shades. Amanda’s are darker. Ali’s eyes are unreal, I’ve never met anyone with eyes like hers. They’re this rich, warm brown. So warm they practically _glow_.” Ashlyn says reverently.

 

“What is she?” Tobin cracks. “Possessed?”

 

Christen smacks Tobin lightly with the back of her hand. “Stop. It’s sweet.” She mutters.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, Amanda has a great body. She’s always doing CrossFit and Barre and whatever else, but it’s almost unfair to compare her to Ali. I mean, she’s a Krieger, it’s in her genes. You’ve worked out with Ali, seen Kyle’s Instagram.” Ashlyn states.

 

“He is kind of an Adonis.” Tobin says.

 

“Ali could give Aphrodite a run for her money.” Christen adds.

 

“No, you guys have it all wrong. You don’t compare Kriegers to Gods, you compare Gods to Kriegers. Hercules has the Krieger Family Christmas card on his fitspo board.”

 

“She doesn’t even hear herself.” Christen says to Tobin.

 

“Love is blind. Isn’t that what they say?” Tobin says back.

 

“Well I never said I didn’t still find her attractive.” Ashlyn grumbles, relenting ever so slightly.

 

“Ash, you’re never going to be able to deal with the _Amanda_ thing, until you can acknowledge that it’s really an _Ali_ thing.

 

Ashlyn won’t admit it out loud, but she knows that Tobin and Christen have a point. She would never compare anyone to Ali, but she knew there was a certain appeal to Amanda when she met her. She knew that in the darkness, when the two are tangled up with each other, it’s easy to allow herself to see what isn’t there, to believe, for a little while, that she has what she really wants. Before Ali was back, it was her little secret, but with Ali in her life again Amanda is merely a reminder of what isn’t.

 

Ashlyn flops backwards on the couch, resting her feet on Tobin’s lap and throwing an arm over her face with another groan.

 

The three are quiet for a long minute. Ashlyn can sense that the serious part of the conversation is coming and she knows she can’t hide from what she’s feeling any longer.

 

“When did you call Amanda? When did you reconnect with her?” Christen asks.

 

“After Friendsgiving.”

 

“How long after?”

 

“What?” Ashlyn is uncomfortable.

 

“Like did you call her the next day? The next week? _When_ did you call her?”

 

Ashlyn says nothing.

 

“How long after she kissed you?” Christen presses.

 

“I called her from the car. I hadn’t even reached the end of Ali’s street.” Ashlyn admits, disgusted with herself.

 

“And when did you make plans to ‘see’ Amanda tonight?” Christen asks.

 

“After I left grabbed coffee this morning.” Ashlyn responds. Christen shoots her a knowing look. “With Ali.” Ashlyn gives in.

 

Ashlyn lets out a heavy sigh and runs a hand through her hair. “It’s totally an Ali thing.”

 

“You’re not being fair to Amanda or yourself and I think you know you need to do.”

 

“I need to stop seeing her.”

 

“How did you know what Ashlyn was doing?” Tobin asks Christen inquisitively. “How did you know that Ashlyn called her after the kiss?”

 

“Old habits die hard.” Christen says with another shrug.

 

“What does that mean?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Ash, you spent all of college hooking up with random girls to try and convince yourself that you weren’t in love with Ali Krieger.”

 

Ashlyn and Tobin both stare at Christen with wide eyes.

 

“Don’t look so shocked.” Christen says rolling her eyes. “I might have been a bit on the outskirts of the group, but that only made it easier to observe what was going on. The two of you would spend a night out getting a little too close and then you’d bolt with the nearest brunette you could find. Or Ali would hit some milestone with Nathan and you’d pretend you were really into someone for a whole five minutes. So now Ali is back in your life and you’re back to trying to prove to yourself that you aren’t in love with her.”

 

“I’m not in love with her.” Ashlyn says seriously. “I don’t even know her anymore. It’s been six years! We’ve only been talking a few months, and it hasn’t exactly been sunshine and roses. How can I possibly be in love with someone I hardly know anymore?” Ashlyn asks incredulously.

 

“Because you never stopped being in love with her in the first place.” Tobin answers matter-of-factly.

 

******

 

Ali pushes the red, plastic cart slowly through the aisles, leisurely looking through everything the store has to offer. So far in her cart she has a new set of bath towels with coordinating bathmats, two scented three-wick candles, new throw pillows, a 12-inch white ceramic French bulldog, a new workout tank, and still has yet to make it to the paper towels that brought her into the Target that that day. She’s standing in one of the cosmetics aisles holding two shades of nail polish, her lip bitten in contemplation. She grabs a third to add to the mix and sighs realizing she’s only made her decision harder. She’s about to put all three bottles in her cart when someone bumps into it from behind.

 

“Oops! Sorry!” An overly chipper voice offers.

 

Ali looks to the woman and sees Amanda staring back at her with a bright smile.

 

“Oh! It’s Hallie, right?” Amanda asks.

 

“Ali.” She says forcing a smile.

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Amanda shrugs.

 

It takes Ali a moment to register what Amanda has said and now she’s a little confused. She looks to the other woman questioningly.

 

“I’m glad I bumped into you.” Amanda stops and lets out a laugh. “ _bumped_ into you. Get it?”

 

Ali nods, trying to put the smile back on her face. “And why is that?” She asks.

 

“Ashlyn told me about the little kiss you two shared the other night.” Ali looks shocked, but of course Ashlyn had talked about it with Amanda. “Please don’t think I’m threatened by you or anything like that.” Amanda says with another laugh. “Because obviously I’m not. I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Your little damsel in distress act isn’t going to work. She has no interest in you. It was pity kiss.”

 

Ali feels both offended and guilty, but her guilt wins out and she tries to compose herself to make a sincere apology. “Look, Amanda. You have every right to be upset with me. I crossed a line and I’m really, truly sorr—”

 

“I don’t need your apology, Ali. Karma’s a bitch when you are, so I know you’ll be getting what you deserve.” Amanda reaches up and grabs a package of honey and shea butter lip balm and tosses it into Ali’s cart. “But in the meantime, you can keep your chapped lips away from my girlfriend.”

 

With that, Amanda pushes her own cart by Ali, sure to knock into it once more before she disappears around the corner of the aisle. Ali stands there stunned, still clutching her bottles of nail polish. She drops them in her cart and heads straight for the check out, without the paper towels.

 

***

 

After her run-in with Amanda, Ali decides she needs to sweat out some of her feelings over the matter so she heads home, puts on her new tank top, and goes for run on her treadmill. She turns her music up to try and drown out her thoughts but it’s no use, her mind racing like her heart pounds. Had she forgotten that Ashlyn had a girlfriend when they kissed the night of the robbery? Or had she merely not cared?

 

Ali knew that Ashlyn had some responsibility too, but she had talked about it with Amanda, so clearly, she had taken it. They had gone for coffee, and talked before and after class, but the kiss was never mentioned. But Ashlyn hadn’t put a stop to it, or told her it could never happen again, so Ali didn’t really think much of it until Amanda brought it up.

 

_Friends_ , Ali thinks. _She said she wanted to be friends_. She feels a pang in her chest as she tries to convince herself it’s what she wants too. Tries to convince herself that the hurt and anger and sadness she felt when she first saw Ashlyn was all because of the history between them, and nothing else. _It’s all we ever were and that was always enough._

 

She decides on a scalding hot shower when she’s done. Stripping her sweaty clothing off as she lets the water get as hot as she can handle. The bathroom is filled with steam and her face is already flushed from her run, but this is what she needs. She lets the water run down her body and ease the aches and pains she feels, some still lingering from her car accident, and others from her attack only days ago. But the water does little to ease the tension she feels in her heart.

 

Ali needs a little stress relief and one surefire way comes to mind. Normally she’d wait until she’d crawled into bed for the night, but she figures she’s already naked and in her bedroom so why not get that release now so she can try and enjoy the rest of her night. She turns all the lights off in her room, save for the bedside table lamp and gets into bed, pulling only the sheet over herself. She hasn’t even closed her eyes yet when the images that had been playing in her head all evening start again. That night all those years ago is still as vivid as ever. She can still feel herself grinding her hips into Ashlyn, feeling her squirm a little at the sensation. She feels Ashlyn’s warm skin beneath her fingertips, sees the curve of her body in the moonlight, desperate to touch every inch of it.

 

Ali places a hand over her breast and massages gently. She still feels the effects of the sprain in her wrist so she isn’t rigorous, but it’s enough. She runs her good hand down her stomach, finding station between her thighs, her legs bent at the knees and parted enough for her to work easily. She drags a finger through her wetness to bring it up to her clit as she starts rubbing small circles, her breathing picking up as she does. Her mind goes back to the night of Friendsgiving, in her kitchen, and the feeling of Ashlyn’s strong hands on her waist. She lets herself imagine what it would have been like if she hadn’t pulled away. If she would have let Ashlyn pull her shirt over her head, if she had let her run kisses down her chest. She imagines what it would feel like to have Ashlyn biting lightly at her nipples, or her long fingers plunging into her, driving her wild.

 

Ali is working herself faster and harder now, panting as she nears the edge. She’s almost ready to let go, feeling the tingle starting in her toes, when she hears the front door closing.

 

“Honey! I’m home!” Kelley’s voice rings through.

 

“ _Shit!_ ” Ali mutters. She can hear Kelley in the hallway, getting closer.

 

Ali desperately wipes her hand on the sheet before grabbing for another blanket and pulling it up over herself. Kelley opens the door just as Ali sitting up, pulling the blankets over her bare form. Kelley takes one look at Ali’s ragged breathing and flushed cheeks and knows exactly what she’s interrupted. With her hand still on the doorknob, she doubles over in laughter at the sight of her friend.

 

“Oh my god!” Kelley laughs out. “I’m so sorry!”

 

“You don’t sound very sorry.” Ali says trying to compose herself.

 

“I didn’t mean to interrupt a romantic moment with yourself.” Kelley cackles.

 

“Oh fuck me.” Ali mumbles.

 

“That _is_ what you were trying to do.” Kelley jokes.

 

“Kelley!” Ali whines.

 

“You weren’t thinking about a certain tattooed brunette, were you?” Kelley teases.

 

Ali’s face turns two shades darker and she quickly covers it with her hands.

 

“Oh shit!” Kelley says surprised. “I was only kidding, but you totally were!”

 

“We’re not talking about this!” Ali’s voice is muffled beneath her hands.

 

Kelley can tell that she’s taken her teasing far enough. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m serious this time. I don’t want to make you feel bad about this.”

 

Ali removes her hands from her face but refuses to look at Kelley.

 

“Please don’t be embarrassed.” Kelley reassures. “We all do it. It’s not like we haven’t talked about it before.”

 

“I know.” Ali mumbles. “But I shouldn’t have been thinking about Ashlyn and now I can’t pretend that I wasn’t.”

 

“You can think about whatever you want, Ali. It’s a personal thing. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

 

“No, I can’t. We’re friends and friends don’t think about each other when they…you know.” Ali says sheepishly.

 

“Masturbate. The word you are looking for is ‘ _masturbate_.’”

 

“I don’t like the word.” Ali says, wrinkling her nose is displeasure.

 

“That’s because we shame people for doing it. When I teach Sex Ed to my youth group, I try and say it a whole bunch so they get used to it and stop thinking it’s so taboo.” Kelley says.

 

“Wait, I’m sorry, did you say when you teach _Sex Ed_?!”

 

“Yeah. That’s the only appropriate time to talk about masturbation with a teenager.”

 

“But isn’t the Catholic church morally against touching yourself and sex before marriage and using birth control?”

 

“Officially, yes. But there are lots of groups now working to relax some of those notions within the church. We have a very liberal parish too. You know we march in the pride parade, and even have a parishioner who had an article published on the very topic of the acceptance of birth control.”

 

“Kelley, that was you.”

 

“Yeah but the point is I had the support of my community. I mean anonymous studies have shown that a large majority of practicing Catholics have used, or support the use of, birth control.”

 

“Really?!”

 

“Yeah. They all get on board after their ‘oopsie-baby.’”

 

“Their _what_?”

 

“You don’t know enough Catholic families.” Kelley says. “The first baby is the happy surprise. Not usually planned, but they knew it could happen. The second kid is planned, and the third one is the oopsie. After that, they start using birth control.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“There’s a reason why Erin and I are two years apart, and Jerry is four years younger. There’s also a reason why I only have one younger sibling.”

 

“Okay, but everyone is really okay with you talking to their kids about stuff like that?” Ali asks.

 

“We let the parents know it’s happening so they can decide if they want their kids to participate. We also bring a nurse in to answer questions and stuff.” Kelley explains. “Oh, and they have to fill out a chart that has them list the pros, cons, and effectiveness of each kind of birth control, but each one also has a column to answer the question ‘what is the only 100% effective form of birth control?’”

 

“Abstinence.” Ali answers.

 

“Exactly.” Kelley nods. “Although the Virgin Mary might think differently.”

 

Ali throws her head back in laughter, finally relaxing after the embarrassing encounter.

 

“Toss me that shirt, would you?” Ali asks pointing to a shirt sitting on top of the dresser near the door. Kelley picks it up and throws it to her friend.

 

“So, just friends huh?” Kelley asks, getting back to the previous topic.

 

Ali sighs. “She has a girlfriend, Kel.”

 

“I wouldn’t read too much into that if I were you.” Kelley says.

 

“She told me to keep my chapped lips away from her girlfriend.”

 

“Ashlyn?” Kelley asks, confused.

 

“No. Amanda.”

 

“They’re not on the same page.” Kelley says.

 

Ali thinks about this for a minute. It would make a certain amount of sense considering how Ashlyn had been handling things, but it didn’t change the fact that she only wanted to be friends.

 

“She told me she wanted to be friends.”

 

“Amanda?!”

 

“No,” Ali says rolling her eyes, “Ashlyn.”

 

“And is that what you want?” Kelley asks.

 

“I just want her in my life again. And all we ever were was friends, right?”

 

“Do you really believe that?”

 

Ali doesn’t have an answer.

 

*****

 

When Ashlyn and Ali had realized that they were both regulars at the same coffee shop, they wondered how they had never run into each other before. Upon further discussion, it turned out that they both had their typical days and time that they frequented the shop and that they were total opposites. Ali visits in the late mornings on her way to her shop, which doesn’t open until eleven. Before she started teaching her class, she’d also stop by on Monday afternoons with her laptop to work. Ashlyn on the other hand, loves the coffee shop because they open extra early and she can stop by on her way to her shift. She’s an early riser because it helps her with the transitions between working and not working, so when she comes in on her days off, it’s usually just as early.  Which is exactly what brings Ali to the coffee shop at seven o’clock in the morning, well before she usually leaves her house.

 

She orders her coffee to go, and scans the room as she waits. It’s not empty, but it isn’t crowded either, so she quickly sees that Ashlyn is not there. She tries not to feel disappointed, she hadn’t come there to see her, she had come there to get a cup of coffee. She was only there that early so she could get some work done at the shop before she opened. At least that’s what she was telling herself. She’s looking at a display of coffee mugs when she hears an unmistakable laugh and jerks her head up in the direction of the sound.

 

Ashlyn is walking out from the back hallway, along with one of the employees they both know well. She sits back down at a table where her latte had been waiting for her.

 

“Well fancy meeting you here.” Ali says walking over to the table.

 

“Hey Al!” Ashlyn’s face lights up.  “What are you doing here so early?”

 

“You want the truth?” Ali asks, feeling emboldened by Ashlyn’s response to seeing her.

 

“Nope. Lie to me.”

 

“Oh, okay. Then I definitely didn’t come in here hoping I might run into y—”

 

“Hi baby!” Amanda chirps from across the room.

 

Ashlyn had been so excited to see Ali that she had completely forgotten that she was there to meet Amanda. She watches as Ali’s face falls into an unreadable expression.

 

Amanda reaches the pair and slides onto the bench next to Ashlyn, kissing her soundly on the mouth.

 

“Are you joining us, Ali?” Amanda asks in a syrupy voice.

 

“Oh, uh, um, n-no.” Ali barely gets out. “I actually have to go.”

 

She bolts for the door, leaving her coffee sitting on the bar as she goes.

 

***

 

Later that afternoon, Ali hears the bell chime when someone enters her store. She looks up to greet the guest and is met with warm, hazel eyes. Ashlyn’s smile is kind and apologetic as she makes her way towards Ali.

 

“Hi.” Ashlyn says, a little unsure.

 

“Hey!” Ali says, trying to act normal after leaving so abruptly this morning.

 

“This place looks great, Al.” Ashlyn hasn’t been back since she came to help clean up the day after the robbery.

 

“Thanks. Almost everything is back in order.”

 

“I brought you this.” Ashlyn says holding out a coffee cup to Ali. “Since you didn’t get to stay and have yours this morning.”

 

“Oh.” Ali says looking down. “I’m sorry I left like that. I just—”

 

“Amanda told me what she said to you yesterday. She didn’t know what she was talking about.”

 

Ali looks up at this and meets Ashlyn’s eyes.

 

“She didn’t?” Ali asks, hesitantly.

 

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “It wasn’t a pity kiss.”

 

“It wasn’t.” Ali restates. Ashlyn just shakes her head again.  “What was it?”

 

“I, uh, I don’t know.” Ashlyn replies honestly.

 

“Me neither.” Ali says.

 

There’s a pause between them that Ashlyn eventually breaks by holding the coffee cup up to Ali again. This time she takes it and takes a sip before setting it on the counter behind her.

 

“I’m sorry if I caused any trouble between you and Amanda. I promise I’m going to respect your relationship. That’s what friends do.” Ali offers.

 

“I appreciate that, Al.” Ashlyn says, stepping closer.

 

“Okay, good.” Ali says awkwardly.

 

“But there isn’t a relationship any more. I don’t know if there was really one to begin with, but, uh, we’re not together anymore.” Ashlyn adds.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Ali steps a little closer to Ashlyn.

 

“Do you have a minute?” Ali asks, a bit suddenly. “I could use a hand.”

 

“Sure, of course.” Ashlyn says with a relieved smile, glad for something to do to break the tension between them.

 

“I need to bring in the new shelf from my Rover. I can do it myself but it’s easier with some help.”

 

They walk out front to where Ali’s car is parked and she pops the trunk, revealing a large shelf with a deep chestnut stain. It’s a fairly basic shelf, but unlike the bookshelf she had used prior, this one doesn’t have a back so the items displayed on it can be seen from both sides, and the shelves are wider so they can hold more merchandise. She moves to one side as Ashlyn grabs the other and they carefully remove it. They aren’t far from the shop so it’s easy to get it inside and Ali, of course, had already made room for it.

 

“This is a great shelf.” Ashlyn says as they place it on the floor. “It’s a great color and I love how wide the shelves are. I could use a shelf like this, only half the height. I have a record player and speakers that don’t have a great place to live and these shelves would be perfect for storing records. Everything else I’ve found is too narrow and they hang off too far. Where did you find this one?”

 

“I built it actually.”

 

“You built this?” Ashlyn asks, impressed.

 

“It’s about the extent of my abilities, but yeah. I refurbish most of the stuff I find for this place and I modify and convert a fair amount of furniture into other things too. I can use a tape measure, a table saw, and a drill fairly well at this point.” Ali explains.

 

“Wow.” Ashlyn says running a hand across the smooth finish of the shelf. “That’s so cool, Al.”

 

“Thanks.” Ali says with a huge smile.

 

“Is that why you’re finally wearing that wrist brace?” Ashlyn says pointing the brace that Ali had been refusing to wear. “You worked a little too hard?”

 

Before Ali can respond, the bell sounds again and an actual customer walks in. Ali smiles at Ashlyn as she excuses herself to greet the woman. While Ali is hanging some items in the dressing room, Ashlyn quietly slips out.

 

*****

 

A week had gone by since Ashlyn had stopped in to see Ali in her shop, and they had only seen each other briefly at the college on Monday. She had worked the next two days and had come home exhausted that morning. Despite being tired, she found herself restless and unable to fall asleep so she got up and moved to the couch, hoping that some daytime talk shows would lull her to sleep.

 

Hours later, she’s ripped from her sleep by a pounding noise. It takes a moment for her to wake up enough to realize that there’s someone knocking at her front door. She runs her hands through her hair a couple times and pulls her sweatshirt down as it had bunched up around her middle as she slept.

 

When she opens the door, she’s surprised to find Ali standing on her doorstep, a little out of breath, a half version of the shelf she built for her shop behind her on the walkway.

 

“Hey.” Ali says with a grin. “I brought you something.” She juts her thumb over her shoulder at the shelf.

 

“You built me a shelf?!” Ashlyn asks excitedly.

 

“Well you brought me coffee. It only seemed fair.” Ali says with a wink.

 

“Geez, if I had known all it took was coffee…”

 

“What? You wouldn’t have saved my life so often?”

 

“Of course I would have, but now I’m expecting you to build me a house or something.”

 

Ali just rolls her eyes. She takes in Ashlyn’s appearance, and the rough sound of her voice.

 

“Were you sleeping? Did I wake you up?” She asks concerned.

 

“I was, but I’m glad you showed up. I forgot to set an alarm and I had already overslept. So really you saved me.”

 

“Does this mean you build me a house now?” Ali asks.

 

“I’m not nearly as talented as you. But I can offer you pizza?”

 

“You had me at _‘I’m not as talented as you.’”_

 

Ashlyn steps down to the walkway and helps Ali carry the shelf inside. Once they have it settled, Ashlyn calls and orders their favorite pizza from the place they used to frequent in college. They fall easily into conversation, laughing and joking as they set up Ashlyn’s record player while they wait for the pizza to arrive. The whole evening feels effortless and they both feel as if they’ve fallen into a familiar rhythm with each other.

 

When their done eating, Ashlyn is in the kitchen putting their plates in the dishwasher and  hears Ali squeal.

 

“Oh my god! Ash!” Ali calls to her.

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks coming back in the room and taking a seat on the couch.

 

“ _The Breakfast Club_ is on! I haven’t watched this since the last time we went to Breakfast in the Park!”

 

Every year, the college put on an event in a nearby park where they showed _The Breakfast Club_ and offered breakfast for dinner as a fundraiser. Ali, Ashlyn, Kelley, Tobin, and Christen had gone every year and Ali always loved it.

 

Ali sits down on the couch, immediately laying back, resting her head on Ashlyn’s lap, and throwing her legs over the arm of the couch. It was something Ali always did when the pair watched a movie or show together, and Ali hadn’t even realized she’d done it.

 

About halfway through the film, Ashlyn notices Ali has fallen asleep and can’t help but stare. She watches the steady rise and fall of Ali’s chest, the soft, relaxed look on her face, and the way her eyelashes flutter slightly as she dreams. She feels the weight of her head on her thigh, and the warmth her body radiates.

 

Suddenly it hits her. She feels lucky. She feels lucky to have Ali fast asleep on her couch, and even luckier to have her in her life. She feels lucky that her world once again includes this incredible woman.

 

“Oh man.” Ali complains as she stirs awake. “I missed the end of the movie.”

 

“It’s too bad too.” Ashlyn teases. “It was totally different this time.”

 

Ali grins at her, getting lost a moment in her eyes before she sits up.

 

“I should get going or I’ll never leave this couch.”

 

“I wouldn’t mind.” Ashlyn mutters under her breath.

 

“What was that?” Ali asks genuinely.

 

“You’re probably right.” Ashlyn lies.

 

“This was really fun, Ash.” Ali says, pulling on her shoes.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn agrees. “We should do it again sometime.”

 

Ashlyn walks Ali to the door and they say their goodnights, but as Ali twists the knob and starts to pull the door open, Ashlyn sticks her arm out and closes it again. She leaves her arm pressed against the door, her hand beside Ali’s head. Ali turns and faces Ashlyn who slowly, carefully moves herself closer to Ali. Ali searches her eyes, finding hope and desire there, matching her own.

 

“Ash.” Ali says in a breathy whisper.

 

“I just want to try something.” Ashlyn whispers back.

 

Ali gives a tiny nod, her eyes never leaving Ashlyn’s.

 

Ashlyn leans in even closer, her lips almost brushing Ali’s. She stares longingly between Ali’s eyes and lips, but never closes the final distance.

 

“Ashlyn.” Ali whispers again, but now her tone has changed. “Kiss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise we're finally getting somewhere with these two!
> 
> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts/lines? 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	13. What Comes Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient! I hope you enjoy this one! As always, thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

“Ash.” Ali says in a breathy whisper.

 

“I just want to try something.” Ashlyn whispers back.

 

Ali gives a tiny nod, her eyes never leaving Ashlyn’s.

 

Ashlyn leans in even closer, her lips almost brushing Ali’s. She stares longingly between Ali’s eyes and lips, but never closes the final distance.

 

“Ashlyn.” Ali whispers again, but now her tone has changed. “Kiss me.”

 

Ashlyn is frozen in place. She wants to kiss her, to feel warm, soft lips against her own, but she can’t bring herself to move.

 

Ali’s heart is pounding, she feels almost desperate for this moment, but she sees the fear creeping into Ashlyn’s eyes as she stares at her.

 

“It’s okay.” Ali says quietly. She expects Ashlyn to pull back now, but she doesn’t. This time it’s Ashlyn who gives a tiny nod.

 

Another long moment passes, Ali feels Ashlyn’s breath against her skin, waiting for her to make a choice.

 

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Ali reaches a hand up and places it on Ashlyn’s cheek, her eyes closing at the touch.

 

“Me too.” Ashlyn mutters.

 

“Ashlyn.” Ali says again. “Look at me.” Ashlyn opens her eyes and loses herself again as she meets Ali’s. “Please kiss me?” Ali pleads.

 

Ashlyn finally closes the miniscule distance that remained between them, slowly pressing her lips to Ali’s. It’s gentle, and almost hesitant. Then another, this one just a little longer, a bit more confident. Their lips part on the third. Passion and heat start to creep in on the fourth. On the fifth, Ali’s hand has found the back of Ashlyn’s neck, her fingers working their way into her hair. And finally, the kiss becomes hungry, Ashlyn’s tongue running along Ali’s lower lip and then exploring further when Ali let’s her take control. Now Ashlyn presses Ali into the door, holding her body firmly against her own.

 

They lose all sense of time and neither one is sure how long it’s been when Ashlyn finally pulls away, both of them breathless. Ali can’t keep the giant grin from overtaking her face as she tries to compose herself. Ashlyn smiles back shyly, shoving her hands in her pockets and taking a step back so Ali can step away from the door.

 

“So, did you figure it out?” Ali asks. Ashlyn looks back at her in confusion. “You said you wanted to try something. Did it work?”

 

“I think so.” Ashlyn replies with a little smirk.

 

“You think? Maybe you need to try again to be sure.”

 

Ashlyn’s shyness melts away at Ali’s suggestive tone, and she pulls her hands from her pockets and reaches an arm out to Ali. Ali feels the strong, commanding arm wrap low around her waist and pull her in, her own arms immediately wrapping around Ashlyn’s neck. Ashlyn takes a quick second to look into Ali’s eyes again before capturing her lips in another deep, romantic kiss.

 

Ali feels her heart pounding as she remembers the cocky, confident Ashlyn of their college days. She spoke to girls with mischief glinting in her eyes and a smirk on the corner of her mouth. Everything she said sounded like flirting, even when it wasn’t. She balanced out her ego with her chivalrous gestures of holding open doors and pulling out chairs. Ali would watch in what she always pretended wasn’t jealousy as Ashlyn would guide her date through a room with a hand on the small of her back, or rest her arm on the back of her chair as they all sat talking. Ali would try to quell her feelings as she watched Ashlyn hold her date’s hand in her lap, mindlessly playing with her fingers.

 

Now she’s the one in Ashlyn’s arms, but it’s entirely different than Ali had ever imagined. It’s heated, yet somehow still tender and Ashlyn is self-assured but still vulnerable. Before she knows it, Ashlyn is guiding them gently to the couch, laying down and pulling Ali on top of her. They enjoy each other for the next twenty minutes, lips never apart for more than a few seconds and hands roaming. But for as much passion burns between them, their hands stay over clothing and their kisses never get lower than a collar bone.

 

Finally, Ali pulls away and rests her head against Ashlyn’s shoulder, who wraps her arms around Ali’s back gently and holds her.

 

“I should go home.” Ali sighs.

 

“It’s getting late.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

Ali sits up, dragging Ashlyn with her.

 

“I really enjoyed this.” Ali places a sweet peck to Ashlyn’s lips.

 

“I did too.” Ashlyn replies with another.

 

“Um,” Ali says biting her lip, “does this—I mean, are we—what does this mean?” she finally gets out.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn responds, not expecting this conversation yet. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, but all Ali can hear is silence.

 

“You know what?” Ali says getting up quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked that. I-it doesn’t—I’m sorry.”

 

“Wait, no!” Ashlyn says, alarmed. She grabs Ali’s wrist and pulls her back to her as the woman tries to hurry towards the door. “I don’t want you to be sorry.”

 

Ali looks back, sadness and hurt heavy in her brown eyes.

 

“I have feelings for you. A lot of them. And I liked this,” Ashlyn says gesturing between them, “a _lot_.” She smirks at Ali.

 

“Me too.” Ali gives a small smile back.

 

“I want to keep doing this, but I’m afraid of moving too fast. I want to know you again, it’s been years, Al, and I just really want to do this right.” Ashlyn says with sincerity.

 

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I think maybe we shouldn’t do _this_ again, until we’ve spent a little more time with each other. I don’t want to screw this up either. I have a lot of feelings for you too.”

 

A goofy grin spreads across Ashlyn’s face at Ali’s words. Tobin’s words ring through her mind. _You never stopped being in love with her in the first place._ Ashlyn had always known that a part of her would always be in love with Ali, but she hadn’t realized just how large that part was until Ali was right there in front of her. She didn’t know that that part would seem to grow every time she heard the sound of Ali’s laughter, or saw her nose scrunch up in a smile, or felt her soft lips pressed against her own. Another voice inside her mind told her to be careful, to guard her heart, but she’s never been more aware that Ali Krieger has come in and blown its doors right off.

 

Ashlyn finally drops Ali’s wrist and stands to walk her to the door. This time she lets her leave.

 

*****

 

Ali and Ashlyn talk every day. Ashlyn wakes up with stars still in the sky and sends Ali a text before checking her email and then rolling out of bed for a shower before work or to change for a run.  The text is usually a well-wish for whatever Ali has going on that day, or a recap of an interesting dream Ashlyn had. Ali’s favorite is the selfie of a particularly wild hairstyle Ashlyn woke up with one morning. Ali spends a little extra time that day staring at the still sleep-laden face of the short-haired brunette. The pale blue sheet is pulled up under her arms, exposing her bare, freckled shoulders and the words permanently written there. Ali wonders how often Ashlyn sleeps without clothes on.

 

Ali responds to Ashlyn’s good morning text before setting her alarm for 15 minutes later and falling back asleep. Ali likes to send Ashlyn things that she finds throughout her day that she finds funny or interesting. She sends her posts from Instagram and twitter, cute dog videos, links to interesting articles, and texts about things she’s seen or discussed with someone that she thinks Ashlyn will appreciate. Ashlyn especially loves it when she sends her a song she’s loving on spotify and unbeknownst to Ali, she’s been putting them all into a playlist. She wonders if the love songs remind Ali of her.

 

The pair try and go for coffee together once a week, often bringing their laptops and silently working on their own things, while simply enjoying being in the presence of the other. They’ve also taken to grabbing a late dinner together after Ashlyn’s office hours on Monday nights after their respective classes. The nights they go out, Ali sits in one of the chairs in Ashlyn’s office and grades papers and works on lesson plans for the next week. She always offers to step out when a student comes in for help but they always tell her they don’t mind if she’s there, which Ali secretly loves. She loves watching Ashlyn interact with her students, answering their questions and pushing them to prove what they know. She’s had the opportunity to see Ashlyn in action on two occasions, but her respect for her as a professional only grows when she sees her share her knowledge and skill with her students.

 

Some days, Ashlyn comes by Ali’s shop, almost always with coffee or lunch in hand. Ashlyn likes to help Ali with inventory or changing out displays or anything else useful she can do. She’ll rearrange furniture and place items, carefully following Ali’s every instruction, always feeling like a team. Ali has the vision, and Ashlyn helps bring it to life for her. She especially loves watching Ali help customers, always knowing exactly what to show them. She loves the way Ali’s face lights up when she starts talking about some great treasure she found, sharing the history and life it’s lived so far and helping it continue on by putting it in the hands of its next owner.

 

About a month after their last kiss, Ali and Ashlyn finally both make it to game night. For weeks one has been able to make it while the other can’t, and although they’ve both spent time with Kelley and Christen and Tobin, this is the first time they’ve all been together since they’ve been on good terms.

 

When Ali arrives, Alex and Christen are leaning over the kitchen table, sharing a bridal magazine. Tobin sits beside Christen, her arm casually draped over the back of her chair as she scrolls through her phone. Alex and Servando have been married about six months, but only had a small courthouse wedding with their parents and grandparents, with a plan to throw a big wedding at the one-year mark. Alex had been so thrilled to be engaged and marry Serv, but didn’t want her wedding planning to be filled with stress so she figured the best way to combat that was to already be married. Alex and Christen had become fast friends and Alex loved having her very own fashion expert to consult as she looked for her perfect gown.

 

“Uh-oh. Is that a wedding magazine?” Ali asks as she hands Kelley the bottle of wine she brought. “Christen can talk bridal fashion for days.”

 

“They’ve been at it for a solid 30 minutes.” Kelley says with an eye-roll. “If you’d like to hear the pros and cons list for the fit and flare versus the mermaid, I’d be happy to recap so I’m not the only one who’s had to suffer.”

 

“Let me open this wine and get you a glass, Kel.” Ali says with a laugh. “Tobin?” Ali offers as she starts twisting the corkscrew.

 

“Red or white?” Tobin asks.

 

“Red. But it’s not the fancy French stuff you’re probably used to with Chris. This came from Chateau Whole Foods.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Tobin says with a shrug.

 

Ali has just finished handing out glasses of wine to everyone when Heather and Ashlyn arrive, both in jeans and official work polos after spending the day visiting elementary schools. Ali holds the wine bottle up to Heather with a questioning look. Heather nods enthusiastically. Ali grabs another wine glass and a water glass as well, filling it with ice and sparkling water before handing a lime to Kelley to cut while she fill’s Heather’s wine glass. Kelley drops a couple of lime wedges in the water glass and Ali carries them to the table where Ashlyn and Heather have taken a seat. Ali places the wine in front of Heather before setting the water in front of Ash, resting a hand on her shoulder as she does so.

 

“Thanks.” Ash says with a warm smile. She looks up into Ali’s eyes and holds her stare a moment.

 

“You’re welcome.” Ali doesn’t move her hand.

 

Heather and Tobin exchange a look that goes completely unnoticed by both Ashlyn and Ali.

 

“This polo looks good on you.” Ali smooths the collar, again letting her hand linger on Ashlyn’s shoulder.

 

“Gee. Thanks.” Heather deadpans from beside them, looking down at her identical shirt. Again, her comment goes unnoticed.

 

“You say that whenever I’m wearing work clothes.” Ashlyn laughs.

 

“I guess I like a girl in uniform.” Ali whispers so only Ashlyn will hear. But Heather catches it too and lets out a snort, finally getting Ali and Ashlyn’s attention. Both women flush slightly and Ali hurries off back to the kitchen to help Kelley.

 

During dinner, Ali and Ashlyn try and keep their distance just a little so they sit across from each other instead of next to each other. Ali spends a little too much time staring at Ashlyn as she tells an animated story, feeling an elbow in her side when she’s ignored Christen’s request to please pass the water pitcher for the third time. Ashlyn watches intently as Ali puts her hair up halfway through the meal, and Kelley reaches over and pretends to wipe drool from her mouth. They both have to work very hard to look away again whenever their eyes meet.

 

After dinner they all move into the living room to start the game of the night. When Ashlyn walks in the room after refilling her water, she finds the only available space for her is either on the floor, or squeezing in next to Ali on the couch. Ali slides over closer to Christen, who is more than happy to tuck herself under the arm Tobin has stretched along the back of the couch. Ashlyn takes a seat beside Ali, the side of her thigh now pressed against Ali’s. She folds her hands in her laps, wanting nothing more than to just throw her arm around Ali’s shoulder instead. Ali lets her hand rest on her own thigh, but subtly moves it closer to Ashlyn. When Ashlyn feels Ali gently rub her leg with her pinky, her eyes dart to Ali, who wears a small, mischievous smile.

 

“Oh shit.” Kelley complains. “I left the game in the hall closet. Hold on.” She starts to remove herself from the arm chair she’s sitting in, but Ali stops her.

 

“I’ll get it Kel.” Ali says with a smile.

 

Everyone chats for a few minutes until it becomes noticeable that Ali is still gone.

 

“Maybe I left it in the guest room closet?” Kelley wonders, again starting to stand.

 

“Oh, uh, I can check.” Ashlyn offers, rising quickly and heading out of the room.

 

Ashlyn finds Ali already in the guest room, trying to pull the box down from the top shelf in the closet. It’s sitting on top of another game box, so she’s trying to pull them both down, when the movements send the game perched on top, sliding backwards. Ashlyn reaches her arms up just in time to catch the box before it comes crashing to the ground. Ali shoves the other box back up on the shelf and turns to look at Ashlyn, who is still standing right behind her.

 

“Teamwork makes the dream work.” Ashlyn cheeses at the brunette.

 

“Always right there when I need saving.” Ali smiles widely.

 

“Your very own superhero, wasn’t it? Isn’t that what the reporter said?”

 

“Something like that.” Ali laughs.

 

Then, suddenly, Ashlyn’s lips are on hers and she’s kissing her with fervor. Ali can’t fight the moan that escapes her lips, only encouraging Ashlyn who is pressing her body to Ali’s, pushing her back against the door frame.

 

“Oh, great!” Kelley says excitedly. “You found the game!” She walks over to Ashlyn and pulls the box from her hand, as the other woman jumps back from Ali.

 

“Uh, I was—”

 

“The box fell and Ash—”

 

They both start talking at the same time and Kelley just shakes her head.

 

“We’re going to go play _Cards Against Humanity_.” Kelley says turning to head out the door. “Let me know if I need to wash the sheets when you’re done.” She calls over her shoulder

 

“Oh my god, Kelley and her timing!” Ali groans.

 

“Not the first time she’s walked in on one of your make out sessions?” Ashlyn teases.

 

“Worse.” Ali starts to reply without thinking. “Last time she walked in on me I was—” Ali slaps her hand over her mouth as she realizes what she’s saying.

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks. “Were you ‘in bed’ with someone?”

 

“No, nevermind. It’s a stupid story. She just has terrible timing.”

 

“What were you doing?!” Ashlyn asks, raising her brows at Ali.

 

“We’re never going to hear the end of it if we don’t get back out there.” Ali says, rushing out the door and down the hall before Ashlyn can ask her again, or worse, make any more guesses.

 

Ashlyn is the judge for the first round of the game and Ali is thrilled when she picks her card as the winner. When it’s Ali’s turn, she’s even more excited that she picked Ashlyn’s. As the game goes on, the pair keep choosing the other’s card and Ali is beaming the whole time.

 

“I forgot how much I hate playing games with the two of you.” Kelley laments. “I swear they cheat. They know each other way too well and always find some way to use that to their advantage.” Kelley explains.

 

“Yeah, this definitely isn’t fair.” Alex adds. “Some of those aren’t even funny.”

 

“They aren’t allowed to be on the same team when we play Pictionary or charades.” Tobin says.

 

“No, they aren’t allowed to be on the same team, period.” Christen corrects.

 

Ali and Ashlyn just grin at each other. Ashlyn holds her hand up for a high-five, which Ali meets, then holds out her elbow for Ashlyn to tap with her own as she pulls away.

 

“You guys still do that?!” Kelley asks incredulously.

 

“I guess we do.” Ali says with a shrug.

 

At the end of the game, Ali is the winner, so she enjoys her prize of not having to help cleanup by pouring another glass of wine and jumping up to sit on the kitchen counter as everyone works around her.

 

“So Ash, did you hear about Amanda?” Alex asks, ready to gossip.

 

“I haven’t talked to her since—I haven’t spoken to her in a while.” Ashlyn says, clearly a little uncomfortable.

 

Ashlyn hadn’t seen or heard from Amanda since the day she ran into Ali at the coffee shop. She had called Amanda there to talk, with the intent to end things with her, but none of it had gone as she had planned.

 

***

 

_“Are you joining us, Ali?” Amanda asks in a syrupy voice._

 

_“Oh, uh, um, n-no.” Ali barely gets out. “I actually have to go.”_

 

_She bolts for the door, leaving her coffee sitting on the bar as she goes._

 

_Ashlyn tries to slide out from behind the table to go after her, but Amanda grabs her arm, stopping her._

 

_“Where are you going?” Amanda pouts._

 

_“To check on Ali. She’s clearly upset!” Ashlyn says like it’s obvious._

 

_“Oh she’s just being dramatic. She’ll be fine.” Amanda says helping herself to Ashlyn’s coffee._

 

_“What do you mean? Why was she so freaked out to see you, Amanda?” Ashlyn’s tone is dripping with accusation._

 

_“It was nothing, baby.” Amanda tries to placate. “We ran into each other at Target yesterday and had a little chat. It’s probably the guilt eating away at her.”_

 

_Ashlyn pulls back and scoots away from Amanda. “What did you say to her?”_

 

_“I just set the record straight about that little kiss you shared. I told her it was nothing but a pity kiss and that you weren’t interested in her so she should leave you alone.”_

 

_“Oh my God, Amanda! What the hell were you thinking?!” Ashlyn scolds through gritted teeth._

 

_“What was I thinking?! I was thinking that she needs to drop her damsel-in-distress act and stay away from my girlfriend! I’m not so sure why you’re upset right now. If anything, you should be mad at her too!”_

 

_“It wasn’t an act! She had just been assaulted, Amanda. Someone attacked her! They put their hands on her! She was violated!” Ashlyn feels tears welling up in her eyes and tries to blink them back. She takes a deep breath to calm herself. “I told you about the kiss because I wanted to be honest with you, but you know as well as I do that we’ve never discussed exclusivity. You had no business talking to her about that.”_

 

_“And she had no business kissing you!”_

 

_“She didn’t.”_

 

_“What does that mean?”_

 

_“It means that I kissed her.”_

 

_“Excuse me?!”_

 

_“And it wasn’t pity. It was compassion. Something you’re clearly lacking.”_

 

_“Why does it sound like you actually wanted to kiss her?” Amanda asks._

 

_“Because I did.” Ashlyn mutters._

 

_“Whatever.” Amanda tries to shrug it off. “It was just a kiss. Let’s just move on, okay?”_

 

_Ashlyn lets out a heavy sigh. “We can’t.”_

 

_“You can’t be serious?” Amanda asks, incredulous._

 

_“I’m sorry. I think we’re on totally different pages. This is my fault. I should have had this conversation with you earlier.”_

 

_“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” Amanda rolls her eyes. “Come on, baby. Don’t do this. I love you.” Amanda wraps an arm around Ashlyn’s shoulder and pulls herself closer, leaning in to kiss her neck._

 

_Ashlyn pulls away again, shaking her head. “You don’t love me.”_

 

_“Of course I do!” Amanda says with too much enthusiasm._

 

_“No. You don’t. You love the idea of me. You want someone who is going to hang on your arm when you go out and impress all your friends. You don’t really care that it’s me.”_

 

_“I can’t help it if we look good together.”_

 

_“See? You’re not even trying to deny it.” Ashlyn points out. “There was a reason we broke up the first time, and that reason hasn’t changed. I’m sorry if I led you on or made you believe this was more than it was. That wasn’t fair to you, but I think it’s time we both admit that this isn’t going to go anywhere.”_

 

_Ashlyn had never known Amanda to be mean, but they hadn’t spent much time with Ashlyn’s friends. Amanda always had a plan or an agenda and Ashlyn went along with it. The first time they broke up, Ashlyn had started to miss her friends, and her life, realizing that she’d spent too much time living Amanda’s. This time around, Amanda had shown her true colors, showing how rude she could be with how she treated Ali. Part of Ashlyn wanted to tell Amanda off. Part of her wanted to tell the woman that she could never be with someone who felt so entitled to another person, and viewed them more as an accessory than a human being. She wanted to tell her that she could never be in love with someone who could disrespect the people she cared about._

 

_But Ashlyn also knew that she hadn’t been upfront with what she wanted or what she was doing. She had used Amanda as a distraction, knowing that they wanted different things, and still going along with it anyway. While she knew that she hadn’t betrayed Amanda, she also knew she had avoided defining the relationship. So instead of telling her off, she apologized and tried to be gentle when she walked away._

 

_“I have feelings for someone else.” Ashlyn finally admitted._

 

_“It’s cute that you’re trying not to break my heart, Ash.” Amanda says with a little laugh. “You really are sweet. But sweet makes you an idiot.”_

 

_Ashlyn opens her mouth to speak but Amanda cuts her off. “I wanted you, Ashlyn. I liked you best of all and I really thought we could make this work. But you’re right, we weren’t exclusive. I have other people. They’re more work than you, which is a bummer, but I’m not going to cry if that’s what you’re waiting for.”_

 

_Ashlyn isn’t sure what to say. Amanda had been very different for most of their relationship and she wasn’t expecting this from her. Honestly, whether she was lying because she was hurt, or she was telling the truth, Amanda’s reaction made Ashlyn feel a little better about having used her to deal with her own issues._

 

_“I really am sorry.” Ashlyn says again, sincerity evident in her voice. “I guess we’re done here.”_

 

_Amanda grabs Ashlyn’s coffee from the table in front of her and leans in to press a kiss to Ashlyn’s cheek._

 

_“Bye, Ashlyn. Call me if you change your mind.”_

 

***

 

“Well, you’re going to want to hear this.” Alex says as she packs Tupperware with leftovers.

 

“Oooh! Spill, Morgan!” Kelley says excitedly.

 

“Well, you know my friend Jess?” Alex asks.

 

“The dental hygienist?” Tobin asks.

 

“Yeah. She picks up shifts at a few different clinics in the area and last week she was working at Dr. Bowers Dentistry.”

 

“Where Amanda is the receptionist.” Kelley states, putting the details together.

 

“ _Was_.” Alex says. “Jess said they were scrambling to get some extra help because they had to fire their receptionist when they found out she hadn’t been scheduling appointments on Friday afternoons so she would only have to work half days. They were losing clients left and right because she was refusing to schedule people, and even went as far to call and reschedule other appointments to cater to her own plans.”

 

“Ha!” Ali lets out a shout of laughter. Everyone turns to look at her. “I guess she was right.”

 

“About what?” Ashlyn asks in confusion.

 

“Karma’s a bitch when you are.”

 

Kelley being the only person who knows every detail of the story squeals with laughter, leaving everyone else a little confused, but still amused. Kelley takes it upon herself to share with the group just how awful Amanda was to Ali. Ashlyn’s face falls as she hears how truly terrible Amanda had been.

 

“Hey.” Ali whispers, seeing the way Ashlyn’s demeanor changed. “She wasn’t totally wrong.”

 

Ashlyn looks at Ali questioningly.

 

“I think I’m going to get what I deserve.”  Ali winks and hops off the counter to hug Christen and Tobin good-bye. Ashlyn watches her walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> I know many of you wanted things to heat up a bit more between them and I promise you your wait is almost over. Do you think they've learned anything knew about each other? If so, what? If not, why?


	14. Something Beyond Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient while I got this finished! I hope it lives up to the wait. As always, please let me know what you think in the comments.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

“You ready to head out?” Heather asks Ashlyn, pulling on her jacket.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn nods, finally pulling her eyes off of Ali.

 

Ali’s head whips around at Heather’s question.

 

“I can give you a ride home if you want?” Ali offers. “I mean, we’re practically neighbors, right? It makes sense.”

 

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. I’m sure Heather wants to get home.” Ashlyn says fighting back her enthusiasm.

 

“It is about six minutes out of my way.” Heather teases. “Whatever will I do with all that extra time?”

 

“Read _The Norton Anthology of American Literature_ in its entirety?” Kelley suggests.

 

“Oh! Prune a bonsai tree?” Alex adds.

 

“A thousand-piece puzzle!” Kelley says excitedly.

 

“Knit an afghan for a king-size bed.” Alex fires back.

 

“Hand wash all of your stemware!” Kelley says finishing off her glass of wine.

 

“Normal people do not own as many wine glasses as you, Kel.” Ali says shaking her head.

 

“What?” Kelley shrugs. “The kind of glass you use makes a difference. I need to be prepared for any wine that comes into this house.”

 

“All great suggestions,” Heather says, “but I think I’ll use my time for sleep.”

 

“I knew I liked you for a reason.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Yeah and that reason is that I’m not giving you too much shit for ditching me for a pretty girl.”

 

Ali’s face flushes as her gaze drops to the floor but Ashlyn still looks to her with a dopey grin.

 

Heather and Alex say their goodbyes and Ali helps Kelley hand wash all her stemware while Ashlyn sits on the counter and cracks jokes.

 

Finally, Kelley walks Ali and Ashlyn to the door.

 

“Thanks for another fabulous game night!” Ali says with a signature smile and hug to her friend.

 

“Yeah, let’s do it again sometime.” Ashlyn says patting her friend’s back.

 

“I’m glad you were both able to make it for once. And now you can go make out in the back seat of your new car!” Kelley says with a grin.

 

“It’s just a ride home, Kel.” Ali says with an eye-roll.

 

“Whatever you say.” Kelley sing-songs as Ashlyn shoots her wink.

 

Approximately fifteen minutes later, Ali and Ashlyn are making out in the front seat of Ali’s car. Ali had reached over and moved Ashlyn’s seat back before climbing over the console and straddling Ashlyn’s lap.

 

They’d been at it while when Ali moves to unbutton Ashlyn’s pants, prompting Ashlyn to pull back, breaking their kiss. She stares into Ali’s dark eyes, both of them breathless. When Ali smiles at her, Ashlyn almost forgets what she wants to say.

 

“Do you want to do something with me?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Oh yes. Many, _many_ things.” Ali replies slowly, leaning in and nibbling Ashlyn’s earlobe.

 

“I mean _other_ things.” Ashlyn says with a small laugh.

 

“Other things huh?” Ali says teasingly. “Are we talking sneaking off to fool around in the bathroom in a crowded place, or more like something I could get arrested for?” Ali asks, pretending to seriously consider it.

 

“More like a dinner and a movie.” Ashlyn says.

 

“That sounds an awful lot like a date.”

 

“A date!” Ashlyn exclaims. “That’s the word I was looking for!” She’s completely serious. She had been so caught up in kissing Ali that the term had slipped her mind.

 

“You’re asking me on a date while I’m trying to get in your pants?”

 

“No.” Ashlyn says with another little laugh. She reaches down and buttons her pants again, causing Ali to pout. “I’m asking you as you walk me to my door.” Ashlyn smirks.

 

“Alright, Harris.” Ali sighs. “I can take a hint.”

 

Ali extricates herself from Ashlyn’s lap, leaning over to open the door and climb out as she does so. She holds her hand out to Ashlyn to help her from the car, which Ashlyn happily accepts.

 

“So chivalrous.” Ashlyn teases.

 

“I’m a charmer.” Ali says with a grin. “At least that’s what the ladies tell me.”

 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes as she starts up the walk to her front door, Ali following right behind her.

 

“Well, here we are.” Ashlyn says as she reaches the front door and leans against the doorframe.

 

“I guess this is where I leave you.” Ali says, she’s smiling, but the reluctance is apparent in her voice.

 

“For now.” Ashlyn smirks. “I’m working the next few days, but I’ll see you Monday? We could have coffee before class? Or dinner after? Whatever you feel like.”

 

“Will it count as our date?” Ali asks.

 

“Nope.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “I want it be at least a little different than what we do now.”

 

“So making out is off the list?”

 

“No, we just can’t make out in your car or on my couch.”

 

“Oh, I can get creative.” Ali says with a sultry tone. She presses her body against Ashlyn’s and begins kissing her neck.

 

Ashlyn enjoys it for a moment, resting her head against the door and closing her eyes.

 

“I think the doorstep is out too now.” Ashlyn jokes, pulling away.

 

“You always stop when it’s about to get fun.” Ali pouts.

 

“You know I really like you, right?” Ashlyn asks seriously.

 

“I really hope so.” Ali replies, eyes wide.

 

“I do.” Ashlyn takes Ali’s hands in her own, intertwining their fingers.

 

“I really like you too.”

 

“I want to do this right, but It’s hard to keep much distance. I keep getting carried away.”

 

“Me too.” Ali laughs.

 

“We agreed not to do _this_ until we had spent more time with each other, and I think we tried to do that. Now that we’re getting closer, I don’t want to stay in this gray area. Just two people with feelings, who can’t keep their hands to themselves. Right now, we don’t really know what we’re doing so I’d like to clear that up.”

 

“So, dating?” Ali asks.

 

“I mean you have to let me take you out first but, yes. If that’s what you want too?”

 

“I want.” Ali says leaning in a kissing Ashlyn soundly on the mouth. It’s sweet, and sincere, but not heated.

 

“So, Monday?” Ashlyn asks again.

 

“Oh!” Ali says suddenly. “Hold on!” She turns quickly and runs back to her car, opening the backseat and digging through the large leather tote bag that she keeps all her work stuff in. She grabs a folder from the bag before jogging back to Ashlyn at the doorstep.

 

“Here.” Ali says handing the file to Ashlyn with a satisfied smile.

 

“What’s this?” Ashlyn opens the folder and begins to scan the page in front of her.

 

“It’s the official criteria for the scholarship. It’s been approved by your boss—thanks for putting me in touch, by the way—and by Kelley and the school. We can start accepting applications immediately for review and can present the first one this spring for next year.” Ali is beaming with pride.

 

Ashlyn smiles back at her and goes back to reading what’s in front of her. Suddenly a realization hits her.

 

“This is Jane.” Ashlyn says meeting Ali’s eyes.

 

“I know.” Ali says, rather pleased with herself.

 

“I mean you might as well have put ‘blonde’ and ‘covered with tattoos’ on this list.”

 

“It’s _you_ , Ash. I want the scholarship to help women like you. You told me that you and Heather were just two of five women in your cohort and that Jane is one of the only girls in hers. I want to encourage women in this field to show my appreciation for the badass women who saved my life. Twice.”

 

“This is amazing. _You’re_ amazing.” Ashlyn says in awe.

 

“It’s just a very happy coincidence that Jane happens to fit the bill.”

 

But Ashlyn knows it’s more than that. She knows that Ali carefully crafted her scholarship requirements, knowing Jane would be a good candidate. She knows Ashlyn has wanted to help Jane as much as she can, that she sees someone like her who could use support. Ali wasn’t around to support Ashlyn when she was in school, so she can’t pass up the opportunity to do something about it now.

 

“I’ll ask her to come by during my office hours on Monday and give her the information.” Ashlyn says, beaming herself.

 

“Can I help?” Ali asks hopefully. “Or at least be there when you do?”

 

“Of course you can.” Ashlyn presses a kiss to Ali’s forehead in gratitude.

 

*****

 

“I think your former flame is obsessed with me.” Kyle says on the other end of the line.

 

“You can use her name you know.” Ali says rolling her eyes although her brother can’t see her. “And what do you mean?”

 

“I’m pretty sure she has post notifications turned on for me.” Kyle says smugly. “I know she’s been creeping my gram for the last couple of years because there’s been a rogue like every now and then but about three weeks ago I got the official notification that she started following me and ever since she’s liked every single post, often within the first few minutes of posting.”

 

“Sounds like she’s in love with you.” Ali replies.

 

“Sounds like she’s in love with _someone_ …” Kyle trails off at the end.

 

“What if she’s not though?” Ali asks seriously. Kyle was mostly teasing now that Ali and Ashlyn were spending time together again, and he’d heard all about their first kiss, so he’s sort of surprised by the shift in her tone.

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“I don’t know.” Ali says as she starts pacing her living room. “Nothing specifically, I guess. I’m just terrified that I’m going to fuck it up again. Or that maybe I’m not who I was before and maybe she doesn’t want the me that I am now. She’s an incredible person and I’m pretty sure she could have anyone she wants. Last night we were making out in my car and when I tried to escalate things she stopped me and said she wanted to do things right. She didn’t want to just be spending time together, she wants to move into dating each other. But what if we take this next step and I don’t cut it and I lose her all over again? God! It’s only really been a month since we’ve been okay! Is this insane? Am I crazy for being this into her?!”

 

“Kay, first of all, _you_ are an incredible person and if someone, years of pining and unrequited love aside, can’t see that then it’s her loss because you are a queen.” Kyle states matter-of-factly. “And second of all, you were making out in your car? I thought you had agreed not to be physical right now?”

 

“We had.” Ali says blushing. “But we were at Kelley’s for game night and she came to help me find something and it sort of just…happened.”

 

“Oh yeah, happens to me all the time. One minute I’m searching for my keys and the next minute my tongue is down someone’s throat!”

 

“Oh stop.” Ali whines. “Obviously we wanted it to happen, but it wasn’t like we were sneaking off or something. But after that happened, we couldn’t get enough of each other. I asked if I could drive her home and I think we both knew what we were doing at that point.”

 

“But she put a stop to it?”

 

“Yes.” Ali grumbles bitterly, and Kyle lets out a loud laugh at his sister’s dismay over the situation.

 

“I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t feel like we’ve been waiting years to finish what we started that night. But that’s not what this is about. I really like her. That’s my problem, is it too much? Maybe I just want this because I couldn’t have it.” Ali muses.

 

“Is that how you feel? Like this is just wish-fulfillment?”

 

“I feel...” But Ali trails off. She thinks a long moment, Kyle saying nothing, silence settling between them as Ali gathers her thoughts. Right when Kyle checks to make sure they’re still connected, Ali speaks. Her voice is small, but still holds emotion.

 

“I feel like I’ve been asleep for the last six years, only I didn’t know it until I woke up, and now I’m terrified of falling asleep again because I don’t want to wake up and find that this is gone. I had forgotten what it felt like to know her. Now that I remember I don’t think I could—I don’t _want_ to forget again.” Kyle can hear her voice shaking, the tears forming in her eyes.

 

“Aw, Sis.” He coos. “You’re in love.”

 

“It’s too soon!” Ali lets out a single, choked sob.

 

“The way I see it, you only have two options. You can go for it, start dating, and see where this thing takes you. Be as in love as you are because denying your feelings only complicates things. Or you can let fear control you, convince yourself that what you think or feel is wrong, fall into a pit of self-loathing, and force yourself to go back to sleep.” Kyle says.

 

“Isn’t there something in the middle?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Uggggh!” Ali groans.

 

“Ain’t love grand?”

 

Ali only huffs in response.

 

“Ali.” Kyle nearly scolds. “Just relax and enjoy whatever comes next.”

 

“You’re right.” Ali relents.

 

“I know I am.”

 

*****

 

“Good for you, dude.” Tobin says with a clap to Ashlyn’s back.

 

“Yeah.” Kelley agrees. “You two were never really just friends. But you never got the chance to see what you could have been. It’s exciting that you finally get to.”

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says hesitantly.

 

“What?” Kelley asks eyeing her friend. “Why are you weird about this?”

 

“I’m not!” Ashlyn says defensively. “It’s just, there’s no going back after this.”

 

“And what exactly would you go back to?” Kelley asks pointedly.

 

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn shrugs. “I don’t want to know. I want this. I want _her_.”

 

Kelley and Tobin grin at each other.

 

“Why are you doing that?” Ashlyn asks looking between them.

 

“We’re just happy for you.” Tobin says with a wide smile.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, Tobs.” Ashlyn says. “About how I maybe never stopped loving Ali.” Ashlyn looks at her feet, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

“Definitely.” Kelley chimes in. “ _Definitely_ never stopped loving her.”

 

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn says. “When I’m with her it feels just like it did all those years ago, but at the same time, it’s entirely different. I don’t know how to explain it.”

 

“Does it feel right?” Tobin asks.

 

“If there was something more than right, I think it’d feel like that.”

 

*****

 

Monday after class, as Ali sits in Ashlyn’s office waiting for Jane, she tries to behave herself. They’ve made plans to go out to dinner on Wednesday night, _“at a real restaurant”_ Ashlyn insists. _“Somewhere we don’t order at the counter.”_ And Ali is so excited she feels like her heart is going to pound right out of her chest whenever she thinks about it. On top of that, Ashlyn is wearing one of her work polos. Ali loves when Ashlyn wear her work polos.

 

Although things had changed after game night at Kelley’s, Ali and Ashlyn had kept a bit of distance that day. The kissing was nice, but Ali couldn’t help but be thrilled by the idea of the smaller, intimate things they had yet to share, becoming a possibility. She wanted to hold Ashlyn’s hand, or feel her hand at the small of her back when they walked through a crowded room. She wanted to lay her head in Ashlyn’s lap while they watched the 11 o’clock news, or brush the hair out of Ashlyn’s face as she worked at her desk. Like right now. Ashlyn sat typing away on her laptop, a few strands of her short brown hair falling into her face, but she’s too distracted to notice.  Ali moves from her chair to lean against Ashlyn’s desk, her leg brushing Ashlyn’s knee as she slides close to her. Ashlyn smiles unconsciously at the touch. Without thinking, Ali reaches up and brushes Ashlyn’s hair back, her eyes closing instinctively as Ali lets her fingers linger. Ali pushes back and sits on Ashlyn’s desk. Ashlyn turns towards Ali and rubs a hand up and down her thigh before letting it come to rest there.

 

“Hi.” Ashlyn says smiling up at Ali.

 

“Hi.” Ali replies.

 

“What time is Jane coming by?” Ali asks.

 

“Should be any time now. She said she had plans with her friend Andi after class so she needed to go check in with her before she came by. But knowing the two of them it could be a few minutes.”

 

Ali reads Ashlyn’s face. “Are we sure Andi is just a friend?”

 

“Unfortunately for Jane.” Ashlyn laughs. “Nothing defines the gay experience quite like falling for your straight best friend.”

 

“Sometimes it works out.” Ali says with a smirk.

 

“That it does.” Ashlyn says squeezing Ali’s thigh. “But sometimes it doesn’t and that’s okay too. It’s tough, but we get over it. At first we try and convince ourselves that we just want the person we care about to be happy, but really what we mean is ‘I want this person to realize that what makes them happy is me.’” Ashlyn explains. “But eventually, we realize that it’s not going to happen, so the love you feel sort of settles into a corner of your heart and it stops hurting so much and feeling so unfair. Once that happens, I think you’re finally able to let yourself really fall in love with someone else, and you can move on. But that little part of your heart will always beat for the person you loved who could never love you back, which is okay because that little part teaches you a lot about how to love someone unconditionally.” Now Ashlyn moves to cross her arms over Ali’s lap, leaning on them as she continues. “I don’t think Jane is quite there yet. She has a girlfriend, or had, I’m not actually sure if she’s still in the picture. But when I see her with Andi, the way she looks at her?” Ashlyn just shakes her head.

 

“Is that what happened to you?” Ali asks tentatively, trying to hide the sadness in her voice.

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks

.

“Did you fall in love with someone else?”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You don’t have to answer that.”

 

“I think I got to a point where I could have fallen in love. But it didn’t quite work out.”

 

“What happened?” Ali asks.

 

“We wanted different things. I wanted her, she wanted someone else. It’s okay though. I don’t think she was the right person to fall in love with anyway.”

 

They look at each other in silence for a moment.

 

“Did you?” Ashlyn asks. “Have you—“

 

But Ali cuts her off before she can even finish her question. “No.” She shakes her head. “I guess I never let you settle into any corner of my heart.”

 

The anguish on Ali’s face is more than Ashlyn can bear. She wants to fix it, to erase that look from her mind. She leans up and presses a kiss to Ali’s lips. Ali immediately kisses her back, reaching a hand to the back of Ashlyn’s neck. Just then there is a knock on the door as Jane pushes it open. Ali and Ashlyn leap apart, Ali standing, shock and embarrassment coloring her face.

 

“Hey Jane.” Ashlyn says, trying to move on.

 

“Hey teach.” Jane gives her a smug grin. “Ali.” She greets with a wave.

 

“Hi, Jane.” Ali squeaks out.

 

“Sorry to interrupt personal time with your girlfriend, Harris, but, uh, you asked me to come by?”

 

“Yes. Thanks for rearranging you schedule. Actually, Ali is here because we’d both like to talk to you.”

 

Now Jane looks a little confused. She’s not sure why a German teacher would need to talk to her.

 

“Okay.” Jane says sitting down across from Ashlyn. Ali still stands by behind the desk near Ashlyn.

 

“A couple of months ago, there was a robbery at the vintage store I own,” Ali starts, “the guy wasn’t particularly friendly and the police called the paramedics to come and make sure I was alright.”

 

“Oh shit.” Jane says, her eyes going wide.

 

“Yeah.” Ali agrees. “Anyway, it was Ashlyn and her partner Heather who showed up that night. It was actually the second time those two had come to my rescue, they also pried me from my very demolished car when I wrecked in back in September.”

 

“Is this how you two met?” Jane asks. “Isn’t there a rule against hitting on patients?” Jane says to Ashlyn.

 

“Yes.” Ashlyn says with a warning tone. “But Ali and I already knew it each other so it doesn’t apply.”

 

“Wait, were you dating before or after the accident?”

 

“After.” Ashlyn answers. “But that’s not the point!” She adds when she realizes that she’s divulging personal information to a student.

 

“The point,” Ali steps in, “is that I’ve gained a great appreciation for women in your field.”

 

“Ali has started a scholarship for women in the paramedic training program. We both feel that you would be a great candidate and we’d like to encourage you to apply.” Ashlyn finishes.

 

“Really?!” Jane asks excitedly.

 

“Really.” Ali nods.

 

“Really.” Ashlyn says holding out the application to Jane.

 

“This is, like, so cool.” Jane says with mild amazement.

 

“Ashlyn speaks very highly of you and your dedication to this program. I’m very grateful to people, especially women, who want to do what you want to.” Ali says with sincerity.

 

“Thank you so much.” Jane replies, standing and extending her hand to both Ali and Ashlyn.

 

As Jane reaches the door she turns back to Ali.

 

“She speaks very highly of you too.” Jane winks and pulls the door closed behind her.

 

Ali’s jaw drops at Jane’s antics. “Oh my god, she really is just like you!”

 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Ashlyn says in mock-offense.

 

“Nothing about you is bad.” Ali says sweetly. “So you talk about me in class, huh?”

 

Ashlyn’s cheeks flush. “I may have mentioned you once or twice.”

 

*****

 

Tuesday Ali is busy at her shop. Although she had hoped Ashlyn might come by to see her, she understands when Ashlyn says she’s feeling tired after working all weekend and then spending much of Monday working on her class. They stay in touch throughout the day and Ali loves the flushed-face, sleepy selfies Ashlyn sends her.

 

When Wednesday arrives, Ali hasn’t heard quite as much from Ashlyn as she usually does, but she attributes this is Ashlyn’s sense of romanticism and wanting to build excitement for their date that night. They’ve agreed that Ashlyn will come pick Ali up at her house around 7:30 that evening so Ali has time to get ready after work. On her lunch, Ali closes up shop and runs over to the Whole Foods to hit up the salad bar. As she’s entering the store, she runs into Heather on her way out.

 

“Oh hey, Ali!” Heather greets warmly.

 

“Hi, Heather!” Ali gives her a quick hug. “What are you up to?”

 

“Not a whole lot. Trying to enjoy my day off. Of course, Ashlyn has decided to put me to work anyway” Heather says rolling her eyes.

 

“What do you mean?” Ali asks, furrowing her brows.

 

“I’m on my way over to give her a fluid bolus. It’s really hard to start an IV on yourself.” Heather replies.

 

“Oh.” Ali says looking surprised. Heather assumes that Ali must know that Ashlyn isn’t feeling well, so she thinks her reaction is about the origin on the supplies.

 

“Hey, we all take stuff off the truck. Technically it isn’t allowed, but I don’t know a single medic who doesn’t have a whole IV setup on hand at home. Our bosses totally know.” Heather reassures.

 

As Ali puts together that Ashlyn must not be feeling well, she also puts together that Heather must think she already knows, so she plays along.

 

“Oh, well, I promise I won’t say anything.”

 

“Good.” Heather nods. “I better get going before Ash gets whiny. I’ll see you later Ali!”

 

“Bye Heather.”

 

As Ali heads into the store, she types out a quick list on her phone and grabs a basket.

 

***

 

Ashlyn is confused when there comes a knock at her door at 6:45 that night. Ashlyn is the middle of getting ready, her hair done but no makeup and she’s wearing only a pair of jeans, ripped at the knees, and a black sports bra. She figures it must be Heather coming back for the red, knit beanie with the pom-pom that she loves so much. She grabs the hat and pulls the door open.

 

“Do you always answer the door without a shirt?” Ali asks casually.

 

“What are you doing here?” Ashlyn says with a look of surprise.

 

“Is that really any way to greet your date?” Ali says pushing past Ashlyn and making her way to the kitchen with her Whole Foods bags.

 

“I’m supposed to be picking you up in 45 minutes.” Ashlyn says trailing behind her.

 

“Change in plans, gorgeous.” Ali starts to unload her bags on the counter and look through Ashlyn’s cupboards.

 

“I’m missing something.” Ashlyn states.

 

“I ran into our dear friend Heather when I stopped at the Whole Foods for lunch today. She told me the most interesting story about how she was on her way to see you.”

 

“Did she?” Ashlyn asks, playing innocent.

 

“And do you know what she said she was going to do when she saw you?”

 

“Hmm.” Ashlyn taps her chin like she’s thinking. “Can’t say that I do.”

 

Ali walks over to Ashlyn and grabs her arm near the elbow where the faint pink marks from the removal of the tape that held her IV place earlier remained. She meets Ashlyn’s eyes, then stares down at her arm, then back to her eyes, with a pointed look.

 

“Oh. That.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“Now I could only think of two possible reasons why you might need an IV, you were either unbelievably hungover, or sick. And seeing as you don’t drink…” Ali trails off.

 

“I swear I’m feeling a lot better. You should let me take you out. Please?” Ashlyn pleads.

 

“Nope.” Ali says with a smile. She turns back to her groceries.

 

“I don’t want to postpone our date.” Ashlyn whines.

 

“We aren’t.” Ali says placing a large pot on the stove. “We’re just doing something other than what we originally planned.”

 

Ashlyn sees chicken broth and celery on the counter and smirks.

 

“Are you seriously making me chicken soup?”

 

“Minestrone, actually.”

 

“You can cook now?” Ashlyn asks, remembering the time Ali set off all the smoke detectors trying to make boxed macaroni.

 

“A few things.” Ali shrugs. “When I was in Germany, I occasionally missed some of the comforts of home, so I called my mom and got a few recipes.”

 

“I’m impressed.”

 

“You haven’t tried it yet.” Ali warns. “It could still be awful.”

 

“It won’t be.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Go put sweats on.” Ali directs.

 

“I can’t wear sweats on our first date, Ali.”

 

“You can if I do too.” Ali says nodding her head to another bag on the counter. “I came prepared.”

 

Ashlyn relents and goes back to her room to change back into her sweats and t-shirt before she returns and sits at the kitchen table while Ali works. They spend the time talking and laughing, even though Ali keeps insisting that Ashlyn go lay down for a while, and Ashlyn keeps refusing. While the soup cooks, Ali begins working on a batch of cookies and as soon as she realizes, her whole face lights up.

 

“Cookies?!”

 

“For when you’re feeling better.” Ali says with a look.

 

“I _am_ feeling better. I was feeling better before you got here.” Ashlyn tries.

 

“And if you’re still feeling better later, you can have _one_.”

 

“You know, it’s cruel to come into someone’s home and bake them cookies and then refuse to let them eat them.” Ashlyn pouts.

 

“Kind of like asking someone on a date but then not being able to kiss them?” Ali retorts.

 

“It’s not like I planned to get sick! You definitely planned to make those cookies.”

 

“But you weren’t going to cancel our date.” Ali counters.

 

“Fine.” Ashlyn says, giving up. “But when you leave, the cookies stay.”

 

Eventually the soup is ready and Ali and Ashlyn take their bowls and the fresh bread that Ali bought over to the couch to eat under a pile of blankets. They put on a movie, but neither one is particularly interested in watching, too caught up in conversation. It starts light-hearted but as the evening progresses, things take a more serious turn.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Ali asks hesitantly.

 

“Of course.” Ashlyn answers.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything to me that night of my accident. I mean, you had to know it was me, didn’t you?”

 

“I knew before you realized, but I didn’t know right away. When I told you about my ‘college girlfriend’ I really didn’t know it was you. Heather had done all the initial assessments and I was just on hand to do what she told me.”

 

“When did you realize?”

 

“When I got out to get the backboard. I finally got a look at you. When I heard your voice, I got chills but I didn’t think there was any way it was you. As far as I knew you still lived in Germany.”

 

“So you didn’t say anything because there wasn’t time?” Ali asks, replaying the event in her mind.

 

“I just needed to focus on getting you out of that vehicle so we could help you.” Ashlyn’s expression is serious, almost pained.

 

“You were scared.” Ali states.

 

“I was terrified.” Ashlyn stares deep in Ali’s eyes. “I see the only person I’ve ever truly been in love with for the first time in six years and I don’t have any guarantee that she’s going to make it? I needed to separate myself from that so I could do my job, but I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid in my life.”

 

“I need to tell you something.”  Ali takes Ashlyn’s hands in both of her own.

 

“Okay.” Ashlyn nods.

 

“I think I’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> How do you think Ashlyn will react to Ali's confession?


	15. Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I hope you all enjoy it. As always please let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

“I think I’m in love with you.”

 

Ali isn’t entirely sure why she said it, something had just come over her. There was a look on Ashlyn’s face, a softness and concern in her voice, the way she tried to search Ali’s eyes for something. From the dream she had the night before the accident that brought Ashlyn back into her life, to the moment she was living right now, she felt an undeniable pull towards Ashlyn. She couldn’t fight it or ignore it even if she wanted to, but right now she’s never been surer that she doesn’t want to. She wants to let go and allow the force to wash her out to the sea of feelings that’s been crashing over her for weeks now.

 

“You think?” Ashlyn asks, attempting to process the unexpected statement.

 

Ali shakes her head. “No, I know. I’m sure. I am in love with you.”

 

Ali then watches as all color drains from Ashlyn’s face and though she’s looking right at her, she’s detached. Ashlyn bolts up from the couch and rushes down the hallway into the bathroom, closing the door rather forcefully behind her.

 

“Ash?” Ali calls after her.

 

She follows Ashlyn, rapping lightly on the door as soon as the unmistakable retching sounds cease.

 

“Ashlyn? Are you okay?”

 

She hears the toilet flush and the sound of the sink. She turns the doorknob and slowly opens the door.

 

“Please don’t.” Ashlyn pleads pathetically, but she doesn’t fight it when Ali slips in and closes the door behind her.

 

Ali closes the lid on the toilet and puts a hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder to guide her from the sink to take a seat. Then she grabs a washcloth from a neatly folded stack in the bathroom’s built-in. Running it under tepid water and ringing it out before gently wiping Ashlyn’s face with it. She wets it again, in cooler water this time, before rolling it and draping it around her neck.

 

“So much for feeling better, huh?” Ali asks, leaning against the small counter. “You really were doing well for so long.”

 

“Uh, yeah.” Ashlyn says staring at her hands. “I don’t know if it was so much of a relapse as it was my stomach is still kind of sensitive and I just-I wasn’t-when you-I—”

 

“Ah.” Ali says nodding her head slowly as she makes sense of Ashlyn’s jumbled explanation. “I see.”

 

“It just took me by surprise, Al.” Ashlyn says apologetically.

 

“No, it’s okay. You threw up because I told you I’m in love with you.” Ali says light-heartedly. “Can’t say it’s quite the reaction I was looking for, but it’ll make for a good story.”

 

Ashlyn drops her head in her hands and lets out a quiet whine.

 

“Hey.” Ali says soothingly, running a hand through Ashlyn’s hair. “I don’t have any expectations okay? I didn’t mean to put pressure on you to feel the same way. I just—”

 

Ashlyn looks up at her, eyes wide in panic.

 

“I do!” Ashlyn rushes out. “I do feel the same way.”

 

Now it’s Ali who looks shocked.

 

“You do?”

 

“Yes.” Ashlyn says. “I’m in love with you too. Maybe more in love with you than I want to be.”

 

“Gee, thanks.” Ali says stepping back, put off.

 

“ _Shit_. That’s not what I meant.”

 

“Okay, then what _do_ you mean?”

 

“I mean that one day I understood what my life looked like and then the next you were there and all of a sudden that understanding was gone. And I was feeling everything and realizing I’m in love, and maybe always have been, with you.” Ashlyn tries to explain. “Definitely I was.” She mutters quietly hearing Kelley’s voice in her mind. “But it’s all happening so fast that there’s no time to process any of it and I don’t think I know how to not be in love with you, but I don’t want to get hurt again.” She looks up and searches Ali’s eyes, hoping to find understanding there, not anger or sadness. “Or hurt you again.” She adds.

 

“Oh, honey.” Ali says with a light laugh, moving to hold Ashlyn’s face in her hands, and looking into her eyes. “Isn’t love terrifying?”

 

“Pretty sure we wouldn’t be sitting in my bathroom right now if it wasn’t.”

 

“Who knew your gag reflex is triggered by fear?” Ali teases.

 

“I’m in a weakened state.” Ashlyn defends.

 

“Right.” Ali agrees.

 

“So where do we go from here?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“How about a second date?”

 

*****

 

Ali leaves an exhausted Ashlyn, and a Tupperware container of chocolate chip cookies, a couple of hours later and heads back home. Despite Ashlyn being ill, they still managed to have a pretty wonderful time. Ali is equal parts thrilled and terrified over her confession to Ashlyn, and Ashlyn’s in return. She knew she was hopelessly in love with the woman and even the mere mention of her name sends a kaleidoscope of butterflies free within her. But fear runs rampant in her mind as well, the fear that she won’t be enough for Ashlyn, fear that she’ll fail her like she did before, and fear that she’ll somehow lose this thing she has wanted for so long.

 

She unlocks her front door, fighting the stupid smile on her face, and places her purse on the counter, her keys on the hook on the wall by the door. She quietly and quickly moves through her coming home routine, trying to ignore the thudding heart in her chest that’s trying to convince her to turn around and go back to the warm embrace of Ashlyn’s arms.

 

She doesn’t turn the light on when she reaches her bedroom, simply stripping down to her underwear in the dark and grabbing a t-shirt before crawling in bed. When she rolls onto her side she suddenly finds herself eye-to-eye with a figure in the dark room.

 

“Hi.” Kelley says. The grin dripping in her voice.

 

“Jesus, Kel!” Ali shrieks.

 

“So…how was the date?” Kelley sits up and reaches to turn on the lamp on the bedside table.

 

Ali groans and rolls over the other way to avoid Kelley. Kelley scoots up behind Ali and wraps her arms around her friend, resting her chin on her shoulder and pressing her cheek to Ali’s.

 

“Come on.” Kelley continues. “Spill.”

 

“Fine.” Ali says putting her arm over the one Kelley has across her stomach. “I told her I was in love with her and she threw up.”

 

“On you?” Kelley asks casually.

 

Ali lets out a snort. “No, not _on_ me.”

 

“You must have really freaked her out.”

 

“Well, she’s been sick all day.” Ali counters.

 

“You didn’t kiss her, did you?” Kelley says pulling away with an alarmed look on her face.

 

“Only on the forehead.” Ali’s face breaks into a huge smile at the memory.

 

“If I get sick, you’re both in trouble.” Kelley says.

 

“If you thought Ashlyn was sick because she was freaked out, which is actually kind of true, how come you’re not concerned for me right now?” Ali asks with mild offense. “I mean, for all you know she rejected me and I’m totally crushed!”

 

“Okay, well if that were true, you would have told me as soon as you realized I was here. And more importantly, I know she said it back, so I’m not worried in the least.”

 

“Did you talk to her?!”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Then how would you know?!”

 

“Ali.” Kelley says seriously, sitting up and looking down in Ali’s eyes. “I can pinpoint the exact moment Ashlyn Harris fell in love with you. I see it in her eyes and her smile and the way she carries herself every time you’re around or someone says your name. I’m pretty sure I can even tell when you cross her mind. And I also know that whether she’ll openly admits it or not, you were the driving force behind her decision to get better and keep getting better and there is no way in hell you looked  her in the eye tonight and told her you loved her, and she didn’t say it back.”

 

“Oh.” Ali says, a bit stunned.

 

“Sometimes I don’t understand how both of you could be so blind.”

 

“I think you’re wrong about me being behind her getting better. It wasn’t me. It was the hurt. I…I destroyed her.”

 

“Or,” Kelley suggests, “you opened her eyes to the fact that if she wanted to have good things in her life, she needed to get her shit together.”

 

Ali is quiet for a long moment, thinking about everything Kelley has said. Kelley just settles back into bed and let’s Ali process.

 

“What’s the moment?” Ali finally breaks through the silence.

 

“When she fell in love with you?” Kelley asks. She feels Ali nod confirmation beside her.

 

“Remember that New Media class we all took Freshman year?”

 

“Yes!” Ali says with a laugh. “Remember the instructor, Mark? God, he tried so hard to be cool. It was painful.”

 

“He wore those American Apparel hoodies and hipster glasses like we couldn’t tell that he was just your typical 45-year-old dad of three.”

 

“That was a fun class though. One of the few we all got to take together.” Ali adds.

 

“Well, do you remember the video projects we did? You and Ash did a Q&A for the student union to encourage people to join clubs and stuff?”

 

“Of course.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

 

Freshman were all required to take certain requisite courses and one of them happened to be in media and technology. Kelley, Ashlyn, Ali, and Tobin had all signed up to take a class on “new media” and its impact on how people consume media in general. For the final project, they had been asked to pair up and create a video employing what they had learned to be successful new media techniques, to pitch something to their peers on campus. Ali and Ashlyn had decided to make a YouTube video based off the popular “challenge” videos, to encourage people to sign up for the recreational club sports. They complied a list of fun and funny questions and had to answer them rapid-fire. The questions and answers would hopefully show how much fun it was to be involved with the clubs, as well as be entertaining. Ali and Ashlyn had ended up making the video in one take and hardly edited it at all, because the candid nature was exactly what worked so well about it. It had been such a success, that the instructor had asked permission to show it on TVs around campus.

 

“ _’Teammate who has come through for you outside of the club?’_ ” Kelley quotes.

 

Ali looks at her confused.

 

“The video is still up.” Kelley states. “When you re-watch it, pause it at 3:25.”

 

“Why?”

 

“That’s the moment.”

 

“Kel—” Ali starts to refute Kelley’s claim with an eyeroll but she’s cut off.

 

“No, Ali. That’s the moment. She told me.”

 

*****

Three days later, Ashlyn is feeling one hundred percent herself again, and Ali, thankfully, didn’t catch whatever bug Ashlyn had. They’re both anxious to go out on that second date, but life just keeps getting in the way. Not only does Ali have to make some early morning trips to pick up new inventory, but she also had to take meetings with the college to move forward on the scholarship. Ashlyn had needed a little time to recover from her illness and then it was right back to work. While they tried to stay in touch as much as they could. It had been a long three days of texts left unanswered for hours and quick phone calls before one of them passed out. They had dinner plans for the next night, but both were thankful that Kelley had asked if they could meet up for coffee to go over a few things for the college, and she had invited Alex and Tobin along just for fun.

When Ali pulls up to the coffee shop she see’s a spot next to Ashlyn’s jeep and pulls in next to it. As she is gathering her things into her tote to exit the car, she notices Ashlyn is sitting behind the wheel, scrolling through her phone. The sound of Ali closing the driver’s side door, causes Ashlyn to look up and meet Ali’s eyes with a bright smile. She grabs her own bag and gets out of her jeep.

“Hey there.” Ali greets as she walks around to Ashlyn. “Waiting for someone?”

“Alex and Tobin text that they already have a table, so I figured I might wait to walk in with you.”

“How sweet.” Ali says adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

Ashlyn leans in and presses a quick, gentle kiss to Ali’s cheek before heading towards the coffee shop. The pair keep their distance just a bit as they make their way through the parking lot. It’s a natural distance of two people who are comfortable with each other, but lined with the anticipation what’s to come.

Ali wears an oversized, sheer white tank over her black crop and leggings. Her bag slung over her shoulder, sunglasses pushed up on the top of her head. She admires Ashlyn in her slate gray t-shirt and jeans. The waistband of her underwear peeking over that of her jeans, a bit of skin exposing itself to Ali and she lets her eyes linger there a moment. They chat effortlessly as they walk, the physical distance between them bridged by a gaze that won’t seem to break. They’re so wrapped up in the company of the other on the short walk that they don’t even notice Kelley a few rows a head of them, waiting. As they get closer, Kelley sees something unmistakable and pulls her phone out, opening the camera. She takes a quick picture of the oblivious pair before pulling them from their daze as she greets them.

“Well hello, lovebirds.” Kelley sing-songs.

Ali’s face flushes and Ashlyn’s smile turns smug.

“Sister Kelley.” Ashlyn says with a nod, pressing her palms together like she’s praying.

“My child.” Kelley says patting Ashlyn on the cheek.

“You two are so weird.” Ali laughs, pushing passed them and into the shop.

Coffee is a lovely way to spend the morning. It’s no surprise when they walk in and find that Christen is sitting beside Tobin, Tobin’s arm casually draped across the back of her chair. Ali takes a seat while Ashlyn orders their coffee and pastries and the rest of the morning is spent laughing and talking until they can’t put off their work any longer. Everyone is on their way out when Kelley grabs Ali’s arm and holds her back a moment.

“A little birdie told me you have a date tomorrow night.”

“Kelley, I told you that.”

“Which makes you the little birdie.” Kelley says like it’s obvious.

“Whatever. What about it?”

“You should let me come over to help you get ready.”

“Christen is already coming over with some clothes for me to try.” Ali explains.

“Perfect! We can have a primping party!” Kelley exclaims.

“Fine, but you have to leave before she picks me up.”

*****

 

“I don’t know about this, Chris.” Ali says looking at herself in the deep red colored dress. It hugs her curves in all the right ways, and hits just a few inches below her knee. It has long sleeves and a wide neck showing off her collar bones and shoulders, with a lower back.

 

“Are you kidding me? You look stunning, Ali. This dress was made for you.” Christen says sweetly, handing her a pair of black heels.

 

“Kel?” Ali asks looking to her friend who is lounging on the bed with a glass of wine.

 

“Killer, Ali.” She agrees. “In fact, you might actually _kill her.”_

 

“Are you sure it isn’t too dressy?” Ali asks nervously. Now Christen is pulling out a short, cream color faux fur vest. “That’s not happening.” Ali says pointing at the item in Christen’s hands.

 

“It’s not too dressy.” Kelley confirms, being the only one who knows where Ashlyn is taking Ali for dinner.

 

“Just try it on?” Christen practically pleads. “I know it seems a little wild, but you can totally pull it off.”

 

Ali slips on the vest, convinced that she is, in fact, _not_ pulling it off but Christen and Kelley both immediately start commenting on how perfect it is.

 

“Okay, I’ll wear it.” Ali relents. “But you both need to leave now!”

 

Christen and Kelley exchange a mischievous look.

 

“What was that?” Ali asks skeptically.

 

Kelley and Christen say nothing.

 

“What?!”

 

“We’re not leaving.” Kelley says, satisfied.

 

Ali looks between her two very pleased friends and groans.

 

“I expected something like this from Kelley, but you, Christen?” She looks at her with a look of mock-betrayal.

 

Christen just shrugs with a sweet, but not-so-innocent smile.

 

“Ugh!” Ali scoffs as she stalks off to the bathroom to find lipstick. She ignores her friends as she moves through her room, putting on earrings and perfume.

 

“Okay.” Ali says looking at herself in the mirror. “I think I’m ready.”

 

“Are you nervous?” Christen asks.

 

“Yeah, I think I am. I want to say it’s just excitement, but there’s just so much more between us. I can’t help it.” Ali admits.

 

“Did you ever watch that video again?” Kelley asks.

 

“Uh, yeah.” Ali replies, not sure where Kelley is going with this.

 

“Did you pause when I told you to?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Good.” Kelley says holding her phone out to Ali. “Then look at this.”

 

There on the screen is a photo from the morning before when they had gone to coffee. Ali and Ashlyn walking a couple feet apart, eyes locked, and smiles wide. Ali sees it instantly, the look on Ashlyn’s face and the smile on her own. She recognizes them from the still. The moment that Kelley said Ashlyn had fallen in love with her.

 

“Nothing has changed.” Kelley says.

 

Before Ali can respond, the doorbell rings and she can’t move as quickly in her heels as Kelley can in her bare feet and the petite brunette pulls the front door open with a stern look.

 

“Ms. Harris.” She says sizing the woman up.

 

“Hello ma’am.” Ashlyn plays along. “I’m here to pick up Ali for our date.”

 

“Hmm.” Kelley responds, not yet opening the door all the way to let her inside. “And what are your intentions with my best friend?” She crosses her arms over her chest and levels herself.

 

“I’ll be taking her out to dinner, where we will hopefully enjoy a nice meal and good conversation. If things go well, I will respectfully ask for her permission for a goodnight kiss.”

 

Kelley eyes Ashlyn one more time before taking a slow step back and opening the door all the way to allow Ashlyn in. The short haired brunette nods at Kelley as she steps into the room, her eyes instantly finding Ali who is not finding this charade to be particularly amusing.

 

“Wow.” Ashlyn mutters.

 

Ali notices the genuine look of awe on Ashlyn’s face and blushes, her eyes finding the floor as she feels the weight of Ashlyn’s gaze.

 

“You look really beautiful tonight, Al.” Ashlyn says, regaining her confidence.

 

“Thank you.” Ali says looking back up at her. She takes Ashlyn in, her navy suit looking a little more casual with her pale blue dress shirt untucked and her jacket unbuttoned. She’s wearing brown leather dress shoes and a nice watch to complete the look. Ali realizes she’s been staring just a little too long.

 

“You look fantastic.” She says, her face breaking into a nose-crinkling smile.

 

“Shall we go?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“I’m all set.” Ali agrees, grabbing her clutch from the counter.

 

“Wait, hold on!” Christen says with her phone in hand. “Pictures!”

 

“Are you serious right now?!” Ali asks, exasperated.

 

“Just a couple. Ash, put your arm around Ali.” Christen replies.

 

Ashlyn happily obliges, slipping her arm around Ali’s waist and pulling her ever so slightly into her side. After Christen takes a few more pictures, Ali finally puts her foot down.

 

“Okay, mom! We’re done!”

 

“You have her back by midnight, do you understand me?” Kelley says with a pointed look to Ashlyn.

 

“Absolutely.” Ashlyn says seriously, holding the door open for Ali.

 

As they reach Ashlyn’s jeep, she hurries a few steps ahead to open the door for Ali, offering her a hand as she climbs in. Ali loves how chivalrous Ashlyn is being, going to every length to make sure she feels special. They ride mostly in silence as Ashlyn drives them to the restaurant in residential Georgetown, giving Ali plenty of time to realize just how different this night feels. For the past six weeks, Ali and Ashlyn had been spending more and more time together, getting closer and closer. They had even pushed the boundaries and kissed on more than one occasion. But still, the night felt brand new. Ali is both as comfortable as ever with Ashlyn and unbelievably nervous with the night holding so much potential. Just as Ali is thinking about all the little firsts they have yet to share, Ashlyn reaches over and takes Ali’s hand in her own, intertwining their fingers.

 

“Is this okay?” She asks hesitantly.

 

“Very.” Ali smiles back, giving Ashlyn’s hand a little squeeze.

 

Ashlyn also spends much the drive reflecting on how different he night feels. How something has clearly shifted between them. Ashlyn desperately hopes that everything will be perfect, and Ali will understand just how much she wants this.

 

Ali’s eyes go wide as she takes in the restaurant that Ashlyn pulls up to. The unmistakable rows of windows and the archway above the door, flags flying just above them, fill her heart with joy.

 

“1789?” Ali asks with a wide smile.

 

“I hope that’s alright?” Ashlyn asks, still nervous.

 

“It’s perfect! I love this place. My mo—”

 

“Used to take you here for special occasions. You always loved the history.” Ashlyn finishes for her.

 

“You remembered.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Ali had often talked about how much she loved the classic DC restaurant. It’s rich history and décor had always made her feel like royalty whenever they walked in. As a girl, she liked to imagine that she lived in the large, lavish house. She was touched that Ashlyn had remembered that she loved the place, and she wondered if she knew that she hadn’t been there in years.

 

Instantly the night felt special.

 

Ashlyn comes around and opens Ali’s door for her, offering her arm as she leads her up the steps of the old federal house.

 

“Thank you for this, Ash.” Ali says quietly. “I think I’m going to remember this night for a very long time.”

 

“I hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will continue the date so if you're hoping for that, it's coming! 
> 
> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? Let me know what you think!


	16. Fleeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a moment we've been working toward for a while so I hope you all enjoy it. As always, please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!

“You can have a drink if you want, Al. You know it doesn’t bother me.” Ashlyn offers. “I hear they make great cocktails and have an impressive wine list.”

 

“I’m sure they do, but I don’t need it.” Ali says sweetly, setting the drink menu aside.

 

She doesn’t know where this night is going, but she hopes it might end in a particular way. She feels like she’s been waiting years to finish what her and Ashlyn started that night long ago, but she’s determined for it to end differently this time. She wants to enjoy every moment of what she hopes will happen, and she doesn’t need a cocktail or a glass of wine to do that.

 

Ali and Ashlyn look over the menu, both torn by all the different options and everything that sounds good. They’re so caught up that silence falls between them for a long moment. When Ashlyn realizes how lost she in the menu, she fears she may have been being rude and ignoring Ali, only to look up and find her staring intently at her own menu, her nose scrunched up in contemplation. She can’t help but laugh.

 

“I take it you can’t decide either?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“It’s been years since I was here. I don’t remember it being so hard to choose last time.” Ali replies.

 

“What do you think about doing the tasting menu?” Ashlyn asks. “It says everyone at the table has to do it, so if you want something else that’s okay. But we wouldn’t have to make any decisions that way.”

 

“That’s perfect.” Ali says with a smile. “I was going to suggest the same thing.”

 

“Good evening, ladies.” Their server greets them. He’s a tall, handsome man, oozing charm with just those three words. “My name is Jamie and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. May I get some drinks started for you?”

 

“Does your bartender do any kind of mocktail?” Ali asks turning in her chair to look up at Jamie.

 

“He does, miss. It’s fresh mint and ginger ale with a special simple syrup and topped with soda water.”

 

“That sounds fantastic.” Ali says. “I’ll have one please. Ash?”

 

“Sounds good to me too.” Ashlyn says staring at Ali.

 

“And it seems you may have had enough time to peruse the menu? Or would you like a few more minutes?”

 

“We’d like to do the tasting menu, actually.” Ashlyn says finally pulling her eyes from Ali and looking to Jamie.

 

“It’s a wonderful selection tonight.” Jamie says in acknowledgement. “I think you’ll both enjoy it.”

 

After Jamie leaves, Ashlyn sits back a little in her chair, thoroughly enjoying herself as she watches Ali, practically vibrating with excitement over the night, as she talks a mile a minute, her thoughts bouncing here and there as her own words spark tangents.

 

“So my cooking skills aren’t bad but all I can bake is cookies. There’s just too much you can get wrong with baking, you know? You’re off just a little bit and everything falls flat. Literally.” Ali finishes.

 

“You could have fooled me. The cookies were great.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“ _Were_ great? You’ve eaten them all already?”

 

“Cookies are my favorite breakfast food.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“Remind me next time to leave you only half.” Ali teases.

 

“As long as there _is_ a next time.”

 

“I think I could be persuaded.” Ali says, her tone a bit suggestive. She leans in a little closer as she says it.

 

Ashlyn flushes ever so slightly, and tries to carry on so Ali won’t notice how easily flustered she is.

 

“I’m still impressed that you know how to cook now. You once burned water.”

 

“I did not burn water!” Ali says indignantly. “That’s not even possible. I just let the water boil over and when I tried to clean it up, I set a dishtowel on fire. The towel definitely burned though.”

 

“And now you know how to make minestrone and roasted chicken and pan-seared snapper.” Ashlyn says. “What other skills have you developed over the years that I don’t know about?”

 

Ali thinks for a minute. Her and Ashlyn already knew a lot about each other. Once they had really started speaking again, they found that there was still so much they knew about each other. They knew their family histories, the things they were afraid of, the things that made them laugh. It had been easy to fall back into a comfortable familiarity. But along the way they were also seeing and learning the things that were different now. The ways they had grown and changed.

 

Ashlyn had always been spontaneous and impulsive when they were young, and while she still maintained much of that spirit, her life was much more regimented now. She was an early riser, working out or going for a run before getting ready for her day, she had weekly work sessions at the coffee shop, and her classes. In college, her spaces had always been eclectic and messy. Posters and pictures plastered everywhere, clothing strewn about, and her bed never made. Now, everything was neat and tidy, having its place. She liked bright whites and clean lines, but whatever statement pieces she had were a little wild, just like her.

 

Ali had been a bit of a mess in her own way. She had been dedicated to her school work and her job, aside from that first year of goofing off with Ashlyn of course, but she had always been a bit scattered. She left post-it notes with reminders or random dates all over the place. She was always twenty minutes early, or ten minutes late, but couldn’t figure out how to ever be on time. Now, Ali was still a hard worker, but she’s far more organized. She likes to keep an old-school date book, but everything is in her phone and computer as well and she’s finally found the balance on arrival time.

 

Ali and Ashlyn both enjoyed discovering new things about the other and this date was a perfect opportunity to do so.

 

“I don’t know.” Ali finally answers. “I finally figured out how to show up to things on time.” She offers. She contemplates another moment before adding, “Oh! I can use a sewing kit to fix almost any fashion crisis, and I can even hem and alter things a bit but I still take all my clothes to be altered professionally.”

 

Ashlyn laughs because of course Ali would still pay for someone else to do it.

 

“What about you?” Ali asks. “What fun facts do I have yet to learn about you? Other than the development of your impeccable fashion sense and an affinity for home organization.”

 

“Are you implying my fashion sense wasn’t always impeccable?”

 

“No, of course not. Only that it’s gotten even better with a steady paycheck.”

 

“Right.” Ashlyn says with a teasingly skeptical look. “I guess the organization thing is big difference compared to college me.”

 

“You were a bit more…chaotic.”

 

“Yeah well, getting sober helped me out in a lot of ways.”

 

Ali wonders briefly if she’s brought up something too sensitive for a date, but she’s relieved when Ashlyn easily and casually continues on, offering every part of herself up to Ali as she always had.

 

“When I moved back to Florida, I went to live with my grandmother and I was living out of boxes and bags for months. Talk about chaos. I’m not sure how I even functioned. Although all I did was sleep or surf, and eat pizza pockets.”

 

“Pizza pockets are delicious though.” Ali says.

 

“I’ve got a bag in my freezer if you want to just…” Ashlyn gestures to the door as she starts to rise from her chair a little.

 

Ali reaches up and grabs Ashlyn’s hand, pulling her back down with an eye roll. Ashlyn smiles down at their hands as she rests them on the table and doesn’t let go.

 

“Okay, so you were sleeping and surfing and living off a pizza pocket diet.” Ali reminds.

 

“Right. So my grandmother insists that if I’m staying with her, I need to clean up my act and get myself in therapy. The first thing my therapist tells me is that the spaces around me reflect and impact what’s going on in my mind. So if I want to be able to think about things clearly, I need my mind to be organized, which means I need my space to be organized. Of course Grandma loved that a professional had given me an assignment to clean my room. Whenever it started to get messy again she’d remind me that it was “therapeutic” to clean up. But it worked and now I need things to be in order to stay on top of my game.”

 

“Yep, that sounds like your grandma!” Ali laughs. “Not that I’ve ever met her, but I sure talked to her enough.”

 

“God, I forget you two have never met.” Ashlyn says with mild astonishment. “You both know enough about each other.”

 

“It was a weird time.” Ali says. “You hardly saw her yourself. I feel like I stayed just as close to her during that time as you did.”

 

“I think you did too.” Ashlyn smiles. “I think she’s even missed you.

 

“Really?” Ali asks, surprised.

 

“Really.” Ashlyn confirms. “I could always tell, when subjects would come up that would bring us close to you, that it was killing her not to say something about you or mention you. I know she wanted to ask how you were.”

 

Ali’s face falls as she thinks about how painful a time it was for Ashlyn and her hand in it. Although she tries to hide it as best she can, Ashlyn catches the shift.

 

“Al.” She squeezes her hand. “It’s in the past.”

 

“I know.” Ali says, meeting Ashlyn’s eyes. “I’m just sorry you had to go through all that. I’m sorry I made you feel so closed off.”

 

“You didn’t. My inability to deal with my feelings is what shut me down, not you. That’s another great thing about sobering up. You learn to take responsibility for yourself.”

 

“Thank you for being so open with me, Ash. It means a lot to me that we can talk about this stuff. And I’m so, so proud of you.”

 

Ashlyn’s face lights up at Ali’s words, her eyes holding emotion that runs far deeper. Ali tries to read her expression, her glassy eyes.

 

Jamie had brought over their drinks a few minutes ago as they were talking, but now he interrupts with their first course, explaining the first starter and placing beautiful plates before them. They mumble their thanks as he leaves them again, Ali’s eyes finding Ashlyn’s once again.

 

“What is it?” She asks quietly.

 

Ashlyn let’s out a deep breath. “Can I tell you something?”

 

“Anything.” Ali replies seriously.

 

“I didn’t exactly expect to have this conversation tonight, and definitely not here, but here we are.” She says with a light laugh. “When I was working to get better, to put my life back together, some days were really, really hard. Some days I just didn’t feel worth the work and it seemed easier to give up and go to sleep and hope that maybe I’d never wake up.”

 

As Ashlyn speaks, Ali begins to gently, soothingly, run her fingers over her forearm.

 

“But those were the days I’d pull out your letter and read it over and over and over again to remind myself why I needed to do this. I desperately wanted to make you proud, but you weren’t here, so I had to force myself to make myself proud instead, and hope that that was enough. And now, to be sitting here with you, and hear you say that you’re proud of me is just—it’s really nice.”

 

“I love you, Ashlyn Harris.”

 

“I love you too, Ali Krieger.” Ashlyn leans in and kisses Ali slowly and sweetly, a hand on her cheek.

 

“We should probably try the food.” Ali says when Ashlyn finally pulls away.

 

“Oh, look!” Ashlyn pretends to just notice the plate in front of her. “There’s food here!”

 

They both take a few minutes to enjoy their starters and let the conversation lighten up just a bit.

 

“So, is there anything else I don’t know about you that you want to share?” Ali asks.

 

Now it’s Ashlyn’s turn to contemplate. “Hmm.” She thinks with a long sip of her drink. “I can ballroom dance.” She offers.

 

“What?!”

 

“It’s true. I can break it down in the club and twirl around a ballroom with the best of ‘em.”

 

“break it down?” Ali looks at her under raised brows.

 

“I don’t remember you complaining the last time we shared a dance floor.” Ashlyn retorts.

 

“Maybe I only put up with it because you’re cute.” Ali suggests.

 

Ashlyn scoffs. “See if I ever show you my ballroom skills then!”

 

“And where did you get these skills exactly?”

 

“When I lived with my grandmother, she said I was only allowed to stay if I went to therapy, got a part time job, and did something good for the community. So I saw my therapist one day a week, went to AA meetings another day a week, worked a couple days at this little restaurant on the beach that a friend of my aunt owns, and then volunteered at the Senior Center.”

 

“Was this your grandmother’s idea? So she could keep an eye on you?” Ali asks.

 

“Absolutely.” Ashlyn agrees. “But I really loved it. I’d drop off meals to people who were sick or were struggling financially, organize donations, and run bingo night. It was a blast. You’d think it was just a stereotype but let me tell you first-hand that those old ladies love their bingo.”

 

“So, you learned to ballroom dance at bingo?”

 

“The Senior Center offers all kinds of classes and one of them was Ballroom Dance. Grandma wanted to take it so I’d go and help out with whatever they needed while she took her class. But two days in, they didn’t have enough people for even pairs so….” Ashlyn trails off letting Ali put the rest together.

 

“You learned to ballroom dance with your grandmother!? That is the most adorable thing I have ever heard!”

 

“Oooh no. Gram had her sights set on the instructor. I learned with Mrs. Carrington.  She was a piece of work, but you learned to love her. She called me “young man” the whole time even though I told her I was girl. The haircut threw her I guess.” Ashlyn says with a laugh. “She was a great dance partner and totally didn’t need the class. She just enjoyed dancing. Of course, this means I only know how to lead.”

 

“Was?” Ali asks, noting the past tense Ashlyn used.

 

“Oh. Yeah.” Ashlyn says sadly. “She passed about a year ago. I’d take her to lunch whenever I visited home and always made sure to stop by the Holiday party for a dance.” Ashlyn smiles at the memory. “I miss her, grumpy as she was.”

 

Ali can’t even respond, she’s too busy just staring at Ashlyn with a look of wonderment and admiration on her face.

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks. “What’s that look for?”

 

“I’m lucky to know you.” Ali responds, sincerity dripping off every word.

 

***

 

The rest of dinner is spectacular. The food is amazing and Ali and Ashlyn leave feeling like they’ll never need to eat again. As the meal had gone on, the conversation had continued to flow easily, ranging from serious, touching moments, to complete hilarity. And by the time they’ve reached the cheese and dessert courses, the tension between the two has really started to build. They know the long, leisurely dinner is almost over and that means deciding what to do next.

 

When Jamie interrupts them mid-kiss with the check, Ashlyn hardly looks up as she hands him her card and goes right back to staring at Ali. The pair leave the restaurant and walk the short distance down the block, hand-in-hand, to Ashlyn’s Jeep.

 

“So.” Ali says as Ashlyn turns onto Ali’s street.

 

“So?”

 

“So, I was wondering if you’d like to come in for a little while. I’m having a really wonderful night with you and I’m not really ready for it to end yet.”

 

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Yeah.” Ali responds with a nod.

 

“I’m not ready for it to end yet either.”

 

“Good.” Ali grins.

 

Once inside, Ali offers to make tea for herself and Ashlyn, who gladly accepts. Ashlyn watches Ali a moment as she gracefully moves through her kitchen, a smile on her lips while she fills the kettle with water. Ashlyn, having been over now on a few occasions, goes to Ali’s TV and turns on her Spotify.

 

“Let’s see what _the_ Ali Krieger was last listening to, shall we?” Ashlyn asks as she opens the menu.

 

“I was listening to my playlist of emotional ballads.” Ali says sheepishly.

 

“You have a playlist of emotional ballads?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Sometimes I just want to feel things.” Ali shrugs.

 

The opening notes of “I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders begins to play and Ali laughs a little at her previous song choice.

 

“Clearly I was in a mood.” She adds.

 

Ali leans against the counter, waiting for the water to boil as Ashlyn saunters into the kitchen, wrapping an arm around Ali’s waist and taking a hand in her own. She beings to move them around the small space effortlessly, even as Ali is rather clumsy in her movements.

 

“Relax,” Ashlyn whispers in her ear. “I’ll do all the work, you just have to let me.”

 

And much like everything else in their world, the tempo of the song is just slightly off from their movements, yet everything in that moment seems right. Not perfect, but somehow right.

 

Just like the two of them.

 

As the music swells, Ashlyn twirls Ali around quickly before wrapping her in both her arms and pulling her in for a rather heated kiss. Ali lets her hands slide up the back of Ashlyn’s neck and into her hair, parting her lips more so Ashlyn can deepen the kiss. The screaming whistle from the kettle jolts Ali and Ashlyn back to reality, both jumping slightly at the sound. Ashlyn throws her hear back in laughter at the situation before her.

 

Ali reaches to turn the burner off and removes the kettle, taking it over to the mugs she’s set out. She’s about to pour the water into a mug when she stops rather abruptly and sets the kettle back down. She turns back to Ashlyn, stepping into her, forcing the taller woman backward into the opposite counter. She nearly leaps into Ashlyn’s arms, kissing her hungrily, her fingers working to unfasten the buttons down the front of her shirt.

 

Ashlyn pulls away briefly with a smug look on her face, and Ali at the loss of contact merely moves to Ashlyn’s neck instead.

 

“What about the tea, Al?”

 

“I prefer iced.”

 

That’s all Ashlyn needs to hear before scooping Ali up and carrying her down the hallway to Ali’s bedroom. When they reach the end of the very dark hallway, Ashlyn can’t reach the door knob with Ali in her arms, so Ali tries to reach behind her and open it herself. But she fumbles and leans back too far, shifting her weight back and throwing Ashlyn off. Ashlyn loses her grip on Ali briefly, but readjusts quickly securing Ali in her arms once again before she can fall. However, she wasn’t fast enough to avoid sending the back of Ali’s head into the doorframe.

 

There’s a thud, followed by an “Ow!” and a “Oh shit!”

 

This time, Ali opens the door successfully and Ashlyn pushes through, carrying Ali to the bed and laying her down gently. She holds herself over her, propping herself up on her elbows to look into Ali’s eyes.

 

“I’m sorry about your head, babe.” Ashlyn says sweetly.

 

“It’s alright.” Ali says, reaching up and placing a hand on Ashlyn’s cheek. “I was perhaps a little over eager.”

 

“Same.” Ashlyn says with a grin.

 

“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d very much like to get back to what we were doing.” Ali says pulling Ashlyn down and kissing her fiercely once again.

 

Things are different this time, and yet in some ways it feels the same. Ali’s heart is pounding with the same excitement and fear she felt the first time they found themselves in this place. But this time, Ali is more confident. The cloud of uncertainty no longer hangs above them casting dark shadows over their desire. Ali wants Ashlyn just as much as she did before, only this time, she knows what she’s doing.

 

For Ashlyn, she’s far more present than she was those many years ago. No brown liquor to make her feel slow and clumsy. She’s in control of herself, and as much as she loves being able to enjoy every touch and breath from Ali, she’s also far more aware of the thudding in her chest and the slight tremble in her hands.  

 

As they continue to kiss, their hands work as best they can to shed their clothing, alternating between helping themselves and helping the other. When Ali they both find themselves without a trace of clothing, Ali shifts their positions. She rolls herself on top of Ashlyn and begins slowly rolling and grinding her hips into Ashlyn. Ashlyn lets out a small gasp at the sensation, bucking her own hips upward a bit for more contact. Ali continues to administer kisses up Ashlyn’s neck and jaw and back down again. She stills her hips and settles her body between Ashlyn’s legs, moving down some so she can now kiss down Ashlyn’s chest, stopping to run her tongue and teeth over Ashlyn’s pert nipples, before continuing her journey down Ashlyn’s body. Finally, she stops and rests her head against one of Ashlyn’s thighs. Ashlyn’s other leg is now bent at the knee and Ali guides it away to spread her legs further. She takes a moment to Admire her lover before running her fingers through Ashlyn’s wetness, biting her lip and letting out a deep breath of her own enjoyment. Ashlyn is already squirming, and Ali has hardly touched her. Ali works her up with her fingers for several long minutes, rubbing different patterns into her clit before plunging her fingers into her. She moves in and out quickly, staring intently at Ashlyn’s face as her eyes screw shut and her jaw drops open. The way she thrusts her chest into the air when Ali hits just the right spot. Ashlyn hardly makes a sound when she finally comes with a choked moan and gasping breaths. But Ali isn’t done yet, immediately replacing her hands with her mouth and sucking and stroking with her tongue far faster than Ashlyn is prepared for. She can taste more of Ashlyn as she continues her movements and soon she’s coming again, a little louder than before. As Ashlyn comes down, Ali gently runs her hands over her shaking legs to calm them.

 

Ali expects it to take a little longer for Ashlyn to recover, but she’s far too eager to return the favor. She pulls Ali up from between her legs and when Ali is straddling her once again, she continues to guide her upwards until she’s settling herself just above Ashlyn’s mouth. Ashlyn’s smirk is downright devilish as she leans up to take what’s finally hers. The way Ashlyn used to break hearts after one-night stands, Ali figured Ashlyn would be good at this, but she didn’t know just how good. She’s not even entirely sure what or how Ashlyn is doing what she’s doing, but she’s not complaining. Ali can’t keep herself from moving her hips, practically begging for more. A voice in the back of her mind tells her to be careful not to hurt Ashlyn, but her body doesn’t seem to care. Luckily for Ali, Ashlyn doesn’t seem to mind, and continues to hungrily and skillfully work Ali to her peak once, and then before she can even recover, again. Ali isn’t as quiet as Ashlyn, her moans and gasps along the way spurring Ashlyn on. When she comes, Ashlyn’s name leaves her lips in a breathy shout.

 

They don’t speak much after they’re both sated and blissful. They kiss slowly, and then sleepily, and in the end, Ali falls asleep with her head pressed to Ashlyn’s chest, the sound of her beating heart a perfect lullaby.

 

***

 

Ali wakes around three in the morning to find the bed beside her empty. Her heart stops briefly at the thought of Ashlyn sneaking out in the night, but it calms when she sees the light from under the bathroom door and hears the muted sound of running water. Ali easily drifts back to sleep, a relieved smile on her mouth.

 

Things had been so very  different when they were young. Ashlyn never stayed. She would text Ali in the middle of the night, just an address and a time. Ali would crawl out of bed and go be her best friend’s getaway car.

 

_There was a difference between a good escape and a bad one. Ali could always tell when Ashlyn managed to leave without waking her conquest. On these nights she’d find Ashlyn leaning against the side of the apartment building or waiting on the curb, a smug smile on her face. She’d saunter leisurely to the car and slide in with a grin._

 

_“Hey, Al. How was your night?”_

 

_“Not as good as yours apparently.” Ali rolls her eyes._

 

_The nights things didn’t go as well, Ashlyn would hurry quickly to the car, checking over her shoulder as she went. Her mood would be far more stoic, and they wouldn’t talk much as Ali drove Ashlyn and a trunk full of her regrets back home._

 

When a more reasonable hour of the morning finally rolls around, Ali wakes up feeling more content than she has in years.

 

But the feeling is fleeting.

 

When she turns to curl into Ashlyn’s side, the bed is empty, the sheets cold.

 

Had she looked a little harder when she saw the light under the door, she would have found Ashlyn’s clothes absent from the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What was your favorite part of the date? Why do you think Ashlyn did what she did? How is Ali going to react?
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	17. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We had quite the reaction to the last chapter, so I'm anxious to hear what you all think of this one. As always, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me!

Ali feels sick. She sits bolt up-right, trying desperately to slow her rapid breaths. The sheet around her sits around her waist, leaving her bare and exposed but she doesn’t notice or care. Her skin begins to glisten with sweat as her heart pounds. A cruel parallel from the night before.

 

A mistake.

 

A misunderstanding.

 

A reason.

 

There must be some reason or explanation for why Ashlyn isn’t here, other than the thing that feels painfully obvious in the moment. Ashlyn had only wanted one thing and now that she’d gotten it, she was gone. Had she been merely one of Ashlyn’s conquests? Or perhaps this some kind of revenge?

 

Ali’s not sure how long she sits in bed, listening for any sign of Ashlyn, trying to wrap her head around her current reality. Eventually she drags herself from bed and trudges her still naked form down the hallway and into the kitchen. She hopes to hear the sound of the coffee maker, or the sizzle of a pan. Even the sound of dry cereal hitting a bowl would be welcome, but there is nothing. She searches for a note, or a left behind item of clothing, anything to indicate that this is only temporary.

 

Obliterated. It’s the only word Ali can come up with to describe the state of her heart. It’s the only thing she feels. Hot tears sting her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall, wiping at them with the backs of her hands as she walks back to her bedroom and crawls under the covers again.

 

More than an hour later Ali’s phone rings. She grabs at it desperately and answers without looking at the screen.

 

“Ashlyn?” Ali asks with a broken, hopeful voice.

 

“Uh, no.” Kelley answers in confusion. “Is everything alright?”

 

There is a long, aching pause.

 

“Ali?”

 

“Kelley.” Ali whispers.

 

***

 

Ashlyn sits in the front seat of her Jeep, her whole body shaking involuntarily, her teeth chattering so severely that she can’t even manage a sip of the plain black coffee clutched in her trembling hand.

 

She wants to go back to Ali. She’s wanted to go back since the moment she climbed into her car at 3am. Her panic had controlled her, forced her to flee from the one thing she really wanted.  A feeling of happiness so pure and true had overwhelmed her then turning rapidly into fear. The fear that this all-consuming happiness could also be her downfall, that she couldn’t protect it or hold onto it.

 

So she ran.

 

In an act of self-preservation, she ran far away from the thing that had the potential to hurt her the most.

 

Once behind the wheel, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. She was fully aware of the pain and hurt her absence would cause, yet she couldn’t bring herself to go back inside either. She was frozen in place by fear and guilt, a desperate want to be near Ali and an old habit of self-sabotage.

 

So she sits.

 

She sits in her car, the engine off, and the cold winter air slowly consuming her. After a couple of hours, she can’t feel much of her face and her fingers sting when she moves them. She stares straight ahead as the sun rises, signaling the start of the aftermath she’s created.

 

When the light turns on in Ali’s kitchen, Ashlyn finally starts her car and pulls out onto the quiet street. She’s not sure where to go, so she drives around aimlessly for a while finally finding herself in front of the coffee shop, _their_ coffee shop.

 

“Morning Ash!” The girl behind the counter chirps happily.

 

“Hey.” Ashlyn voice is as hollow as her bloodshot eyes.

 

The girl’s face falls as she takes in Ashlyn’s appearance and the look of confusion and despair painted across her face.

 

“Are you feeling alright? Do you want to sit down?”

 

“Uh, a large drip coffee and, uh, A-Ali’s usual.” She stumbles over Ali’s name.

 

“Okay.” The girl nods with a look of concern.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t sit down while she waits, instead standing by the large window, her arms crossed over her chest, watching dark clouds roll in.

 

“It’s going to rain.” She mumbles aloud to no one.

 

She’s ripped from her daze with a tap a on her shoulder.

 

“Here.” The girl from the counter holds out the two cups of coffee to Ashlyn. “We called your name but...” She trails off.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn says taking the cups. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything else before turning and pushing the door open.

 

Now she sits in the front seat of her Jeep with her coffee cup in her hand. She’s not sure if it’s the hours spent in the cold or the physical manifestation of the emotions coursing through her body, but she can’t control the shaking. She feels her heart pounding in every limb as she stares at Ali’s front door, wracking her brain for the words that will bring her back to the night before.

 

***

 

Ali’s conversation with Kelley starts with broken sobs, but the more she thinks about what Ashlyn has done, the colder and hollower her voice becomes. The pain and sadness begin to morph into anger and betrayal. How could Ashlyn put some much effort into creating such a perfect night for her, how could she be so open and vulnerable, only to disappear in the middle of the night?

 

At least Ali had left a note.

 

Ali feels like every part of her is filled with lead, her movements slow and heavy as she pulls herself out of bed and finds clothing to throw on. She stares at herself in the mirror, a sad stranger staring back at her. Long, dark, disheveled hair hanging down over her shoulders. She hates it. She contemplates grabbing the scissors from her office and cutting it herself just to change the woman she sees but thinks better of it.

 

“No.” She says out loud to herself. “We’re not doing this.”

 

She pulls on a pair of tennis shoes and grabs her keys from the counter as she rushes out her front door, running smack into a figure on her doorstep.

 

She hardly notices the lukewarm coffee soaking her t-shirt as her eyes meet Ashlyn’s.

 

“ _Shit_.” Ashlyn mutters quietly.

 

There’s a surge of hope that rises and then plummets when she takes Ashlyn in. She wants to see the woman with a bright smile on her face and a sweet gesture in her hands, but she’s met instead with bloodshot eyes and dry lips, the coffee seeping through her clothing an indicator of a gesture long forgotten.

 

“Why are you here?” Ali bites out.

 

“Where are you going?” Ashlyn counters.

 

They both say nothing, their unspoken answers hanging in the air between them.

 

“Your shirt.” Ashlyn says after a long moment.

 

Ali looks down at herself and turns around, walking back into her house abruptly. When she doesn’t close the door behind her as she stalks in, Ashlyn takes it as permission to follow. Ali stands at the kitchen sink, now only in her leggings and purple sports bra. Her shirt sits in the sink with the faucet running over it while Ali stares blankly down at the running water, hands on her hips.

 

“Al.” Ashlyn gets out. She’s trying as hard as she can to still the chattering of her teeth, but Ali can see her chin trembling.

 

“Did you sleep in your car?” Ali asks, her voice devoid of emotion.

 

“I didn’t sleep.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“But you were out there all night?”

 

Ashlyn only nods.

 

Ali turns and grabs the kettle from the stove and fills it with the still running water, before placing it back on a burner and turning it on. She silently moves into the living room where Ashlyn awkwardly stands before her, and grabs the blanket from the back of the couch, and wrapping it around Ashlyn. But her sympathy for the woman soon dissipates when she sees the familiar guilty look Ashlyn wears. The same one she’d seen so many times on the days after Ashlyn’s conquests when she’d send the calls of the girl’s she’d left behind straight to voicemail.

 

Ali drops her hands like she’s been burned.

 

“I haven’t seen that look in years.” Ali says, disgusted.

 

“What look?” Ashlyn asks. She’s a little offended but she knows she probably deserves whatever is coming.

 

“You know the one. Your post one-night-stand remorse look.”

 

“That’s not what this was.”

 

“Wasn’t it though?”

 

“No! It wasn’t!” Ashlyn’s voice rises in desperation and frustration.

 

“So, what was it then? You went out for coffee and forget where I live?” Ali says, sarcasm dripping from her voice.  

 

“I panicked.” Ashlyn says, ashamed.

 

“You left.”

 

Silence falls between them, save for sound of the still running water. The sound becomes deafening as it clouds her racing thoughts, so Ali reaches out and slams the handle of the faucet down to stop it. Ashlyn cringes at how aggressive Ali’s motions are, and the stern look set on her face.

 

“I’m sorry, Ali.” Ashlyn says just above a whisper.

 

“Why did you leave?” Ali is fighting back her tears.

 

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt anything as good as holding you last night. The feel of your skin, the rise and fall of your chest as you slept. It’s like for the first time in my life everything made sense.” Ashlyn starts. “I wanted to hold on to that feeling but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. The happier I felt, the more scared I was. If I feel like this now, after two dates, I can’t imagine a month from now, a year.”

 

Ali’s heart stops at the implication that Ashlyn had thought about the future that much. That she had thought about _their_ future.

 

“Ali, I don’t think I could survive losing you again.”

 

“You really want to tell me that this is about losing me when your solution was to leave?!”

 

“I know it’s not a reason, I know it doesn’t make any sense! But in that moment of panic it felt like the only thing to do was get out now when I might have a chance to make it through it. It was stupid. And, god, Ali, I couldn’t leave, okay? I couldn’t do it! It was too late, and I knew as soon as I closed the door behind me that it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t care if it literally kills me, Ali. You’re worth every risk.”

 

“So, being in love with me is a risk?” Ali asks coldly. “Because you can’t trust me.” She states, her tone tinged with sadness now.

 

“No, Al.” Ashlyn shakes her head, moving from her spot for the first time to be closer to Ali. She lays the blanket Ali wrapped around her on couch. “I’m the risk. If someone is going to fuck this up, it’s me. Just like before.”

 

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you because you’re scared? Do you think I’m not? Jesus, Ashlyn! Do you really want me to just blindly forgive you because you regretted your choice as soon as you made it?!”

 

“No, I don’t—God. I don’t want you to do anything! I just— “Ashlyn covers her face with her hands in frustration, then drops them to her sides limply. “I want to take it back more than anything, Ali! I want to be able to go back in time and make a different choice, but I can’t. It’s done. I can’t make that not true.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything

 

“FUCK!” Ashlyn yells.

 

It’s not directed at Ali, but she flinches just the same. Ali’s reaction breaks Ashlyn and fat tears roll down her cheeks.

 

“I’m so sorry.” She says through a sob.

 

Seeing Ashlyn cry is all it takes for Ali to stop fighting her own tears. She wants to wrap her arms around Ashlyn, to nestle her head into her shoulder and cry, but she also kind of wants to punch her in the face.

 

“How am I supposed to trust you again?” The question isn’t accusatory, it’s pleading. “Do you have any idea what if feels like to have everything you want right in your grasp only to have is disappear in the middle of the night? Do you know what it feels like to wake up alone when you’ve just given someone your heart?” Ali asks seriously.

 

Now it’s Ashlyn’s face that turns cold. She takes a step back.

 

“Seriously?”

 

Ali searches Ashlyn’s face for an explanation for the sudden change but it hasn’t hit her yet.

 

“Yeah, Ali.” She says with a hollow, humorless laugh. “Yeah, I know exactly how that feels.”

 

Suddenly Ali realizes what she’s said and her hands go to her mouth with a gasp.

 

“Ashlyn. That was the wrong thing to say, please—“

 

“I gotta go.” Ashlyn cuts her off.

 

“Ashlyn, please.” Ali begs as she follows Ashlyn to the door.

 

The slams before Ali can reach her.

 

“Ashlyn!” Ali cries, sinking to her knees.

 

But it’s too late. Ali crumples to the floor, letting everything she’s feeling flood her at once. She sobs harder when she hears the rumble of Ashlyn’s engine fade away.

 

*****

 

Ali hardly gets out of bed for a week. She tells her mother she needs to make a trip to meet with some new vendors she wants to work with and Debbie happily agrees to watch the store. Christen had to spend a few days in New York, but offered to help out as well when she could. She knew the truth of the situation, but kept her mouth shut around Deb for Ali’s sake. Kelley covers Ali’s class for her, and isn’t surprised at all to find Heather handing out supplementary reading packets in Ashlyn’s classroom come Monday.

 

On Thursday night, Kelley barges into Ali’s room, flipping on lights as she goes. Ali groans her displeasure. Kelley sighs when she takes in Ali’s appearance. Her face is red, and her eyes are swollen from crying. Her hair is up in what at one point must have been a messy bun, a sure sign she hasn’t showered in at least a few days, and Kelley wonders if she’s bothered to eat anything either. Kelley tries to rearrange her frown into a concerned smile as she pulls the blankets down to the foot of the bed before grabbing Ali and throwing her over her shoulder.

 

Ali yelps in shock. “Put me down, Kelley!”

 

“Can’t. Sorry.” Kelley replies as she carries Ali into the bathroom.

 

Ali continues to squeal and squirm to try and free herself, but despite her slight frame, Kelley is strong, and Ali is unsuccessful. Kelley holds her friend in place with one arm while reaching the other forward and turning the shower on. She deposits Ali on the tile floor of the shower, clothing and all.

 

Ali shrieks. “OH MY GOD, IT’S FREEZING!”

 

“You know how to adjust the temperature.” Kelley shrugs. “I’m going to go pick out some appropriate church attire for you. We need to be setting up for youth group in an hour.”

 

“I’m not going to youth group.” Ali replies, struggling to peel her wet clothing off.

 

“Well I’m sure as hell not leaving you here alone any longer, and I can’t bail on the youth. They need me.” Kelley says hanging a fresh towel on the hook outside of the shower door. “So that means you’re coming with.”

 

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“I’m a grown woman! I can take care of myself!”

 

“Yeah? Is that why you’ve been lying in bed crying your eyes out for days, in a dark room, refusing to eat or bathe or otherwise take care of yourself? Because that’s definitely what a grown-up does.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything. She knows Kelley has a point, but she’s stubborn and doesn’t want to admit it.

 

“If you’re good, I’ll take you to that dive-y diner you like so much after.”  


 

This perks Ali up a bit, because if she’s being honest, the lack of eating is starting to catch up to her, and when she’s sad, the only thing that sounds good is a nice greasy burger and fries.

 

Kelley leaves clothes folded on the counter for Ali to change into before leaving her be to get ready. While Ali finishes her shower, and gets ready to emerge again into the world, Kelley strips Ali’s bed, changing the sheets and starting a load of laundry. When she’s ready, Ali finds Kelley in the kitchen, unloading her dishwasher.

 

“I didn’t know jeans and a sweater counted as church clothes. I wore this outfit to the grocery store like a week ago.”

 

“It’s youth group.” Kelley says without looking up. “They’ll all be wearing sweats.”

 

“You don’t have to do that, Kel.”

 

“I know,” Kelley says putting the last of the plates away. “But I clean when I don’t know what else to do.” She finally turns to Ali and blinks in surprise. “Your hair!”

 

“Oh, yeah.” Ali says grabbing a strand. “I forgot no one’s seen it.”

 

“Ali Krieger cut her hair?” Kelley asks in shock. “I never thought I’d see the day. It looks great.”

 

“It’s a lob.” Ali says of her new much shorter hairstyle. While her dark locks used to fall well beyond her shoulders, it now hits just an inch or two below.

 

“A what now?”

 

“A long bob. A lob.”

 

“Right.” Kelley nods. “Darker too?”

 

“A little.”

 

“You look great. Seriously.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Ready to go mold the impressionable minds of the future?”

 

“Are you bringing me as an example of what not to turn into?” Ali jokes.

 

“The opposite actually.”

 

***

 

Ali has been to church with Kelley on a handful of occasions, but never at night. She admires the way the stained-glass windows glow as they round the brick building to the front steps. The inside of the church is filled with dark wood pews and beams, with dark carpeting and lights that are low but warm and inviting. Kelley stops to dip her fingers into the font inside the door, crossing herself and bowing towards the front of the church before nodding her head for Ali to follow her down the far side aisle. Ali notices a man lighting a candle on the opposite side of the room, before they pass a woman kneeling in a pew beside them.

 

“Stations of the Cross.” Kelley says when she notices Ali staring carefully at the fourteen mosaic images along the wall as they pass. “They depict the crucifixion.” Ali nods. She knows they hold a great significance to Kelley that is lost on her, but she does find them rather beautiful.

 

As they reach a door that acts as a side entrance into the church, Kelley bows again, this times towards an ornate golden box that looks rather like a small building. It sits on a table near the door with a light shining down on it. Ali hadn’t grown up going to church on Sundays and whenever she did attend with her grandparents or another family member, their churches didn’t follow the same rituals. Ali follows behind Kelley as she pushes through the door, but not wanting to be rude, she briefly turns back and offers a small nod to the box.

 

“Relax, Ali.” Kelley chuckles at her wide-eyed friend. “You’re not going to get in trouble.”

 

“I feel like I’m being watched.” Ali admits.

 

“I’d tell you it’s the eyes of God, but it’s just all the imagery. And yes, it’s kind of creepy.”

 

Ali let’s out a relieved breath. “I didn’t want to be rude or disrespectful, and it’s all really beautiful, but it’s…a lot.”

 

Kelley lets out another laugh. “I think you’ll feel better in the parish hall.” She holds open another door leading to a large open room with linoleum floors, several round tables surrounded by folding chairs re set around the perimeter.  One wall is made up entirely of windows, and the one opposite it has five doors along it, one leading to a kitchen, and three others leading to small conference-like rooms. The last door, at the very end of the hall, is actually double doors leading into a room with a large fireplace, a couple of couches, a few arm chairs, and a pile of bean bag chairs in the corner.

 

“This is the fireside room.” Kelley says. “This is where we have youth group.”

 

“And what do we do at youth group?” Ali asks.

 

“Well I always give them a topic or something to think about at the end of group and then they come back the next week and we talk about it.”

 

“And what’s the topic for this week?”

 

“Forgiveness.”

 

***

 

Whatever it was she was expecting, it wasn’t this. Ali thought these kids would come in and talk about forgiving their siblings for taking their stuff without asking or their friends for going out with their crush or other “teen problems.” She wasn’t expecting thoughtful and insightful responses to an unanswerable question: how do we forgive?

 

“I know we shouldn’t be self-serving or whatever,” a girl named Kate starts, “but sometimes forgiving is about doing what’s right for you. I was so angry when my dad left. I hated him.”

 

“It’s takes a lot of effort to hate, doesn’t it?” Kelley asks.

 

“Yeah.” Kate agrees. “Sometimes I’m still really upset about it, and I don’t think what he did was right, but I’m working on forgiving him, so I don’t have to hold onto all of that all the time.”

 

“Where do we start?” Kelley poses to the group. “When we want to forgive someone, and we’re overwhelmed by hurt or anger, where do we start to find forgiveness?”

 

“I think maybe we should look at ourselves.” A kid named Brandon offers up. “It’s the whole ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ thing. Maybe if we look at ourselves and see that maybe we’ve done something similar before, or even have just needed to be forgiven because we did something shitty.”

 

“We all do it, right?” Kelley starts. “None of us are perfect. I’ve made mistakes that’s for sure. I’ve said or done things without thinking. I’ve acted out in fear or anger because those feelings were so much bigger than me at the time. Understanding my own feelings in times like that, helps me understand where others may have been coming from. It doesn’t mean they did the right thing, but it does help me find forgiveness.”

 

Ali feels like she’s living in an after school special. Cue the music as she learns her lesson. The last thing she had said to Ashlyn, she had said without thinking. She hadn’t stopped to process any of the big feelings of hurt or anger before she tried to have a conversation with Ashlyn, and it had only led to more hurt and anger.

 

If she were being honest, she didn’t really need Kelley’s not-so-subtle youth group message to take a minute to look at herself. Ali had been thinking about her own disappearing act since Ashlyn had stormed out. It didn’t make what Ashlyn did hurt any less, but it gave her some understanding. She couldn’t overlook the fact that, yes, Ashlyn had left in the middle of the night, but she had stayed right outside her front door all night. When Ali left, she disappeared to another country. Instead of showing up only hours later with coffee in hand, she’d ignored her calls and cut herself off for years.

 

She hears her own voice replaying in her head. “ _How am I supposed to trust you again?”_

 

***

 

Ali eats her own burger, plus a quarter of Kelley’s and asks for second order of fries. She’s dipping them in her chocolate milkshake when Kelley’s phone rings. Ali sees Ashlyn’s name on the screen, and watches as Kelley sends the call to voicemail before flipping her phone over so the screen isn’t visible anymore.

 

“You don’t have to do that.” Ali says guiltily.

 

“Do what?” Kelley asks, stealing one of Ali’s fries for herself.

 

“Ignore her calls just because you’re with me.”

 

“Oh.” Kelley’s face falls.

 

“I’m sorry to put you between us.”

 

“It’s okay. It’s not—I’m not ignoring her for your sake.” Kelley says.

 

“What? You’re doing it for yours then?” Ali jokes.

 

Kelley just looks down at her empty plate.

 

“Wait, really? Why?” Ali asks in surprise.

 

“I just can’t talk to her right now. I’m too angry.”

 

Ali doesn’t really understand. “But why are _you_ angry with her?”

 

“She was wrong, Ali.” Kelley says with emotion. “She shouldn’t have left, no matter how scared she was.”

 

Suddenly, Ali needs to leave. She’d almost forgotten the role Kelley was forced to play for nearly six years, and how it must have weighed on her. She hated seeing her friend in anguish over the turmoil in her life and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to fix it for Kelley and for Ashlyn and for herself.

 

When Kelley is about to turn down Ali’s street, Ali stops her.

 

“Can you drop me off somewhere?”

 

*****

 

“Hey, Alex.” Ali says with a tense smile when the beautiful woman opens Ashlyn’s front door.

 

“Ali.” After everything Ashlyn had told her, Alex is truly shocked to see Ali on the doorstep.

 

“Um, is Ash here?” Ali bites her lip.

 

“Yeah, but she’s asleep.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Why don’t you come in though? I was going to wake her up soon to eat.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Ali nods.

 

She follows Alex into Ashlyn’s house and to the kitchen. She feels a stab of jealousy at the sight of Alex making dinner in Ashlyn’s kitchen the way she had just the week before. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, the rational part of her knows Alex isn’t a threat, she’s just taking care of a friend.

 

But Ali also hates that Ashlyn needs taking care of, still torn between feeling like Ashlyn doesn’t deserve it, and feeling like it’s all her fault that Ashlyn is hurting.

 

“Are you okay?” Alex asks hesitantly.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods. “Kelley sort of forced me to leave the pity party I was throwing.”

 

“That’s good.” Alex says.

 

“How’s Ashlyn?”

 

“She’s still pissed about denting the hood of her Jeep when she punched it, but I think they’ll both survive.” Alex says with a laugh.

 

Ali doesn’t need to ask to know what Ashlyn had probably done in a fit of frustration.

 

“She’s been better.” Alex continues. “I know it’s not my place to say this, but she feels really awful, Ali. I’ve never seen someone consumed by so much regret.”

 

“Well, geez, don’t sugar coat it, Alex.” A groggy voice comes from behind them.

 

Both Ali and Alex turn abruptly to find Ashlyn standing in the doorway.

 

“Hey, Al.” Ashlyn says looking Ali right in the eye.

 

“Hi, Ash.”

 

“Look, Ali—” Ashlyn starts. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I—”

 

“Wait.” Ali cuts her off. “I want to hear everything you have to say but I came here to say something, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’m still kind of really mad at you because you told me you were in love with me and that you wanted to do this thing with me and then the minute I’m totally and completely vulnerable with you, you try and throw it all away.”

 

“I know. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I know that’s not good enough, but I really am sorry.”

 

“I’m not done yet.” Ali says with an eye-roll.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn says sheepishly.

 

“I’m still mad at you and hurt by your actions, but you forgave me. I left you in a far uglier way than you did the other night and you still found a way to forgive me. You gave me your trust again and you didn’t even ask me to earn it back first.”

 

Ali takes a step closer to Ashlyn and places a hand on her cheek.

 

“I asked you how I was supposed to trust you again and the answer is, I just do. I trust you. I’m mad at you, but I’m still in love with you.”

 

Ashlyn doesn’t say anything in response, merely wrapping a strong arm around Ali’s waist and pulling her into her and kissing her with seven days’ worth of emotion and missing her. Ali’s arms wrap around Ashlyn’s neck as things quickly start to heat up.

 

“Uh.” Alex says grabbing her things as quickly as she can. “I think I’m gonna go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> Do you think Ali should be so quick to forgive? Do you understand Ashlyn's motives? 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	18. WWKD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! I'm so sorry that I've kept you waiting 500 years for this update. I've had a ton of stuff going on and I needed a small hiatus to get life in order again. But we're back! I promise you won't be waiting months between updates anymore. I do have another story in the works so at some point I'll go back to alternating a chapter a week between stories (I find I write better this way!) but I'm not sure when that will be yet. 
> 
> I apologize if this one is a little rough, I'm still getting back into the swing of things. Thank you for being so patient with me. As always, thank you so much for reading and be sure to let me know what you think!

Ali rests her forehead against Ashlyn’s, eyes closed, and let’s out a sigh.

 

“I’m sorry, Ali.” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“I know.” Ali whispers back.

 

“I’m really glad you decided to talk to me again.” Ashlyn says, her voice still soft.

 

“Well you can thank Kelley for that.” Ali says pulling back slightly and opening her eyes to find Ashlyn’s.

 

“Saint Kelley. The Patron Saint of cleaning up all my messes.” Ashlyn jokes. “And how exactly did she convince you to give me another chance?”

 

“Jesus.” Ali replies matter-of-factly. She turns to pull plates from the cupboard and begins plating the meal Alex had made.

 

“Excuse me?” Ashlyn opens a drawer for silverware and serving utensils.

 

Ali let’s out a small laugh at the look on Ashlyn’s face. “She took me to church with her.”

 

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks as she puts green salad on the plate Ali holds out. “Did you pray a decade of the Rosary about it?”

 

“I’m surprised you even know that that is.” Ali notes.

 

“Oh, I don’t. I’m just spitting out random things I’ve heard Kelley say.”

 

Ali laughs again. “I went to youth group actually. The evening’s topic was forgiveness.”

 

“So it was actually a bunch of teenagers that changed your mind?”

 

“No.” Ali takes her plate over to the table and sits down, Ashly following behind. “After youth group, which had definitely got me thinking, Kelley took me out for a burger.” Ali shovels a forkful of rice pilaf into her mouth.

 

“Wait.” Ashlyn says setting her own fork down and looking at Ali. “You just ate a burger?”

 

“Yeah.” Ali says around a mouthful of chicken. “Also two orders of fries and a milkshake.”

 

“Ali.” Ashlyn says seriously. “You have a full plate of food in front of you.”

 

“Yeah, and I’m gonna eat it too.” Ali says with a pointed look. “Are you bothered by this?”

 

“No.” Ashlyn says picking up her fork again. “Impressed.”

 

Ali just grins and goes back to stabbing spinach with her own fork.

 

“Anyway,” Ali starts again. “Kelley took me out for a burger and you called her.” Ali stops chewing for a minute and looks quizzically at Ashlyn. “I thought you were asleep though?”

 

“What?”

 

“When I got here Alex said you were asleep and then you came in here with nap face.” Ali explains.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn nods. “Yeah, I wasn’t quite as asleep as Alex thought. I did fall asleep again after I called Kelley though. Then I woke up again when I heard your voice.”

 

“You didn’t want to talk to Alex?” Ali asks.

 

“Not really.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

Ali nods in understanding. “I haven’t felt like talking much lately either. Kelley literally dragged me out of bed today and threw me in the shower. With my clothes on!”

 

“Sounds like Kelley.” Ashlyn says with a laugh. “So she bought you a burger and fixed all our problems?”

 

“Sort of.” Ali says around another bite of her second dinner. “Did you know she’s mad at you?”

 

Ashlyn’s face falls. “I was worried about that. She’s been dodging my calls and when we do talk, she’s very…I don’t know, formal?” Ashlyn tries to find the right word to describe the strain between her and Kelley this week.

 

“Well, she’s definitely mad at you.” Ali confirms with a look of pity.

 

“Did you guys decide to trade? She’ll be mad, and you can forgive me.”

 

“Kelley has been there for me through everything. You, and Germany, and opening my store. The accident, and you, again. Birthdays and girls’ nights.” Ali starts.

 

“In good times and in bad.” Ashlyn teases.  Ali smacks her lightly with the back her hand. “You sound like your taking wedding vows, Al.” Ashlyn laughs out.

 

“My point,” Ali says with a playful glare, “is that Kelley has been the best friend imaginable to me. And while she was being that for me, she was also being that for you. She’s given you just as much time and attention and care.”

 

Ashlyn nods then rises from her seat to get two glasses of water as Ali continues.

 

“She did all of that for us all while doing her best to protect us too.”

 

“You mean by not acknowledging us to the other?” Ashlyn clarifies.

 

“Yes. At first, I was angry with her for keeping secrets. I felt lied to.”

 

“I did too.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

“But that changed for you, didn’t it?” Ali asks knowingly.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay, so, what changed?”

 

Ashlyn gets very quiet for a moment, dropping her eyes to her water glass as she carefully runs a finger around the rim. Ali doesn’t press her. She’s doesn’t know what Ashlyn is about to say, but she’s sure Ashlyn had to have had a realization like she herself did.

 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.” Ashlyn says nervously.

 

Suddenly Ali finds herself feeling a little nervous as well. “It’s okay.” She says. She tries to sound as reassuring as she can, despite the fact her voice has gotten higher. “You can talk to me.”

 

“After Kelley left you at the hospital, the day after your accident, she came to see me.” Ashlyn starts, still refusing to meet Ali’s eyes, but feeling her gaze on her. She glances up briefly then back to her water glass. “She was worried about me and she had a reason to be. I really didn’t know how to handle seeing you for the first time in years, let alone like _that_.”

 

“Oh, Ashlyn.” Ali says breathlessly.

 

“She spent most of the day with me before she left to go help you. I kept downplaying how I was feeling and telling her it was fine and that she should go.”

 

_“Why do you really want me to go, Ash?” Kelley asks. Ashlyn’s back is turned to her, but she feels Kelley’s hand on her shoulder. She brushes it off and takes a few steps away, but finally faces her._

 

_“I just want to go to sleep, okay?” Ashlyn’s voice is cold._

 

_“You’re lying to me.” Kelley’s tone isn’t accusatory, it’s calm and even, willing Ashlyn to try again._

 

_“I can handle this on my own, Kelley.” Ashlyn says with a sigh._

 

_“How?”_

 

_Ashlyn just rolls her eyes._

 

_“No, don’t ignore me.” Kelley steps closer to Ashlyn and locks eyes with her. “How?”_

 

_Ashlyn looks away as hot tears sting her eyes._

 

_“Ashlyn.” Kelley says. But Ashlyn refuses to look, turning her head further away. “Ash.” Kelley’s voice is much softer now, kind, almost a whisper._

 

_Finally, Ashlyn looks up at her, her guilt and shame pouring down her face in the form of teardrops._

 

_“Can I trust you to be alone?” Kelley asks. “Can you trust yourself?”_

 

_Ashlyn can’t bring herself to say the words, only shaking her head “no” before forcefully pushing herself into Kelley. She drops her head to Kelley’s shoulder as the sobs rack her body._

 

“I wanted her to leave so I could go buy a six pack and lay on my bedroom floor and drink.” Ashlyn continues. “But Kelley knew that’s where I was and she made me own up to it. She called Heather to come keep me company and stayed with me, playing cards and telling stories until she got there.”

 

Ali’s upset that her presence had put Ashlyn in such a dark place, but she understands that it’s not just about her, but about Ashlyn’s struggles too. She reaches out a hand and rests it on Ashlyn’s knee to try and show her that it’s okay.

 

“I stopped being mad at her for keeping secrets when I realized she had done it because she was afraid. She just wanted me to be successful and she thought telling me about you might jeopardize that.” Ashlyn finishes sheepishly.

 

Ali smiles wide at Ashlyn.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that? I kind of thought you’d be upset.” Ashly says in confusion.

 

“Well of course I’m not super into the idea that I was some huge threat to your success, but this is exactly my point.” Ali explains.

 

“It is?”

 

“I stopped being angry with Kelley for the same reason, Ash. I realized she just didn’t want to see me hurt again so she was trying to protect me. She was trying to protect both of us.”

 

“And this helped you forgive me?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“When Kelley told me she was angry with you, I realized that us getting together is probably really scary for her because she can’t protect us from each other anymore. I felt really bad about putting her through that and wanted to end it as quickly as possible.”

 

“You only forgave me out of guilt? Over Kelley?!” Ashlyn asks, a little miffed now.

 

“No, silly.” Ali rolls her eyes. “I mean, sure, that was a catalyst, but what it really did was open my eyes to how I was already feeling. Sitting in the diner with Kelley it just hit me that all along, some part of me knew this didn’t change how I felt about you or what I wanted. I just needed my brain to catch up to my heart.”

 

Ashlyn smiles at that and leans forward to press a kiss to Ali’s forehead.

 

When they finished eating, Ashlyn clears their plates. She rinses them and then puts them in the dishwasher before she begins to work on handwashing the pans in the sink. While she works, Ali watches her carefully, her eyes trained on Ashlyn’s hands as she tests to see if the water is warm enough, then then up her arms and finally settling on the serious expression on Ashlyn’s face.

 

Ali slips her shoes off and pulls her feet up onto her chair, crossing her arms over her knees and resting her chin on them.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Ali asks after another moment of watching Ashlyn.

 

Ashlyn is pulled from her thoughts at the sound of Ali’s voice. “hmm?” She asks still a bit distracted.

 

“I asked you what you’re thinking about.”

 

Ashlyn turns off the water and turns to look at Ali. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

 

“That’s an awfully serious face for someone whose feeling glad.”

 

“Well,” Ashlyn starts, turning back to the pan in the sink. “I’d really like to ask you to stay here tonight, but I don’t really know if that’s alright. I mean, do you want to talk more about what happened? Or maybe I lost that privilege when I decided to be back a jackass and—”

 

“I’ll stay.” Ali cuts her off.

 

“What?” Ashlyn looks back up at Ali with wide eyes.

 

“I would like to stay here tonight. With you.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.” Ali says with a light laugh.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ashlyn offers.

 

Ali just shakes her head no.

 

Ashlyn can’t help by smile to herself as she once again turns back to her pan. After a moment, Ali joins her to dry as Ashlyn starts on the next one.

 

The pair spent their evening tidying the kitchen as they tease one another, occasionally stopping for a sweet peck here and there. When the cleaning is done they settle into the living room and start a new series on Netflix. Ashlyn rests her arm on the back of the couch and Ali makes herself at home, curling into Ashlyn’s side. By the time they get through the first three episodes, Ali’s head now rests in Ashlyn’s lap, with Ashlyn’s hand absent-mindedly stroking Ali’s hair.

 

“I missed this.” Ali sighs as the credits roll. “I always loved when you’d play with my hair.”

 

“I know.” Ashlyn laughs. “You used to be very demanding about it.” Ashlyn says, remembering the way Ali used to plop herself on their couch, head in Ashlyn’s lap, and grab her hand, placing it in her hair.

 

“We used to do a lot of girlfriend-y stuff, didn’t we?” Ali rolls onto her back so she can look up at Ashlyn.

 

“Yeah, well, I hear _someone_ had a little crush on me.” Ashlyn teases.

 

“Oh yeah?” Ali sasses back. “Well I heard that someone _else_ was hopelessly in love with _me_.”

 

“Looks like it might not have been so hopeless.” Ashlyn grins and then leans down to place a kiss soundly to Ali’s lips.

 

When they go to bed that night, Ali walks right to Ashlyn’s dresser. It’s an upgrade from the one she had in college, but Ali still knows to go to the second drawer, left side, to find the best t-shirts for sleeping in. They move around each other naturally, no speaking necessary. Ashlyn hands Ali a toothbrush and they brush their teeth side-by-side, staring at each other through the mirror. Ali knows where to find the face wash and Ashlyn’s already left her a towel. Getting ready for bed together is both a new experience and an old habit. That night, the only thing Ali and Ashlyn do is sleep and it’s the most intimate experience they’ve ever shared. When they fall asleep, Ali is resting on her side, pulled in close to Ashlyn, her strong arm draped over Ali’s hip. Ali has always been an active sleeper and Ashlyn knows it, but throughout the night Ali manages to keep some part of her touching Ashlyn at all times. Sometimes it’s a big part, like her knee hitched up over Ashlyn’s hip, and sometimes it’s small, like gently gripping her arm. In the morning, Ashlyn wakes up to a curtain of dark hair over her face and the weight of Ali’s head against her shoulder.

 

Ashlyn is overwhelmed by the way she feels to have Ali there with her, and to know how close she had been to throwing it all away. She feels salty tears threatening her eyes and tries to blink them away, but one manages to escape anyway. Ali starts to stir just as Ashlyn is wiping away her rogue tear.

 

“Good morning.” Ali says, her voice still thick with sleep.

 

“Good morning to you too.” Ashlyn replies, pressing a kiss to the side of Ali’s head.

 

Ali turns, then props herself up on an elbow to look at Ashlyn. She takes in Ashlyn’s smiling face but is unable to overlook her glassy eyes.

 

“Are you crying?” Ali asks with concern.

 

“No, my eyes are just watering.” Ashlyn tries to cover.

 

“Ash.” Ali says with a pointed look.

 

“I promise you nothing is wrong.” Ashlyn relents. “I was having a very small, very brief, moment.”

 

“Moment of what?”

 

“Waking up like this, with you, is pretty amazing.” Ashlyn says with a grin. “So I was feeling great about that. But I was also feeling like a massive idiot for throwing an opportunity like this away.”

 

“Good.” Ali says with a firm nod.

 

Good?!” Ashlyn looks at Ali with exaggerated offense.

 

“Yes, good.” Ali says again. “You _should_ feel like an idiot for passing this up.”

 

“You’re right.” Ashlyn sighs.

 

“Just like _I_ should feel like an idiot for saying something awful and insensitive to you. That way we’ll never take these moments for granted.”

 

*****

 

On Thursday, it’s Ashlyn’s turn to host game night. She hopes this will be an opportunity to make things right with Kelley. Ashlyn orders thai food from Kelley’s favorite restaurant and asks Alex to stop and get a bottle of wine that she knows Kelley likes. She even pulls out Kelley’s favorite games as the only options for the evening. But when Christen and Tobin arrive, they inform the rest of the group of Kelley won’t be able to make it after all.

 

Ashlyn knew that her friend was upset with her, but she can’t remember the last time Kelley had been this pissed off. While Ali is unpacking the take-out containers and Heather is passing out plates, Ashlyn grabs her keys and heads for the door.

 

“Where are you going?” Ali asks quietly, abandoning the food and following after Ashlyn.

 

“I’m going over to Kelley’s.”

 

“Tobin said she’s got a meeting at the college.”

 

“Yeah, and I’m going to be on her doorstep when she gets back.” Ashlyn pulls on her jacket.

 

“I think if Kelley doesn’t want to be here tonight, you should respect that.” Ali says tentatively. To be honest, she thinks Kelley is being a little unreasonable.

 

“When has Kelley ever let either one of us ignore something like this?”

 

“Never.” Ali admits.

 

“Exactly. If the roles were reversed, Kelley would have had me cornered and talking it out days ago.”

 

“WWKD.” Ali says with a shrug.

 

Ashlyn looks at her quizzically.

 

“What would Kelley do.” Ali explains.

 

“She’d fix this.” Ashlyn says seriously.

 

“You’re right.” Ali agrees. “She would. But you can’t leave your own house when you’re hosting game night.”

 

“Will you please, _please_ play hostess for me?” Ashlyn practically pleads. “I’m gonna go crazy, Al.”

 

“I’ll be here when you get back.” Ali says with a sigh.

 

Ashlyn kisses Ali quickly and slips out the door.

 

***

 

Kelley’s face flushes when she finds Ashlyn at her front door.

 

“What are you doing here?” Kelley asks in surprise.

 

“It’s nice to see you too, Kel.” Ashlyn deadpans.

 

“Aren’t you hosting game night right now?”

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at a meeting at the college?”

 

“I did have a meeting.” Kelley says sheepishly. “I wasn’t lying about that.”

 

“But it wasn’t the reason you didn’t come to game night.” Ashlyn retorts.

 

“You’re right.” Kelley says pulling the door open wider and letting Ashlyn in. “I didn’t come to game night because I’m mad at you and I didn’t want it to be awkward.”

 

“It didn’t have to be awkward.” Ashlyn says sadly. “We could have talked about this.”

 

“I know.” Kelley’s voice is quiet.

 

“So then why won’t you?”

 

Kelley takes a deep breath and sits down next to Ashlyn on the couch.

 

“At first I didn’t talk to you because I wasn’t ready. I don’t like speaking to people in anger. I wanted a little time to sort my thoughts out.” Kelley starts.

 

“And now?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Now I guess I just don’t know how to. I’m always telling people to talk through their problems and work it out, but I really didn’t know how to take my own advice this time.”

 

“You could start by telling me why you’re so upset? I know it’s about the Ali thing, but if she was able to forgive me, I don’t really understand why you can’t too.”

 

Kelley hates how hurt Ashlyn looks, and she knows she’s been wrong to avoid her.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kelley says, ashamed.

 

“Help me out here, Kel.”

 

“It was really awful of you to leave Ali like that. You don’t know what that did to her. I know she’s forgiven you, and I’m glad she has, really. But you don’t know what it’s like to see her like that. You’ve never had to see her broken.”

 

“Oh.” Now Ashlyn is the one whose ashamed.

 

“But it’s not just that. Maybe it’s not that at all.” Kelley muses.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean…I don’t know. When you guys finally ran into each other, albeit it under less than ideal circumstances, I was really, really happy. I wanted you guys to get together! I rearranged an entire building just to get your classrooms across from each other!”

 

“I knew you did that on purpose!” Ashlyn says pointing at Kelley with narrowed eyes.

 

“Of course I did that on purpose.” Kelley rolls her eyes. “But that’s not the point. The point is that I really supported the two of you together.”

 

“Supported?” Ashlyn questions. “You don’t anymore?”

 

“The two of you have been hung up on one another for years. I thought once you got together it would be this wonderful, magical thing and you guys would both have what you always wanted, and I’d be able to hang out with both of my best friends at the same time.” Kelley explains. “I didn’t think about how horrifically awful it would be if it doesn’t work out. I don’t know if I could handle seeing you both like that again.”

 

“That’s why I panicked the other night.”

 

“I know.” Kelley says sadly.

 

“I was so terrified that if this didn’t work out I wouldn’t be able to recover this time.”

 

“I know.” Kelley repeats.

 

“I still don’t understand.” Ashlyn says with a look on genuine confusion.

 

“I’m scared, Ash.” Kelley admits tearfully. “At first I was angry with you for doing that to Ali again. I still am a little. But mostly I’m just scared that everything is going to fall apart again. I didn’t know how to have this conversation with you because I don’t feel like it’s my place to be afraid.”

 

“You’re scared?”

 

Kelley nods.

 

Ashlyn slides closer to Kelley and the couch and wraps her arms around her. Kelley leans her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder and lets a few more tears fall there.

 

“I’m sorry, Kelley.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For hurting Ali, but also for hurting you.”

 

“No.” Kelley shakes her head. “It’s not my relationship. I can be mad at you for hurting my best friend, but you didn’t do anything to me.”

 

“But I did.” Ashlyn places a hand on each of Kelley’s shoulders and looks directly into her eyes. “I’ve asked you to pick up the pieces for me time and time again. And I love you for it because you have been nothing less than incredible when it comes to being a friend. But that was a huge thing to ask of you. I haven’t done a whole lot lately to show you that that isn’t an expectation. It’s not your job to protect us anymore, okay? We’re making these choices and we know the risks. We still want it.”

 

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t expect me to protect you guys, Ashlyn. I’m going to do it anyway because you are both so important to me.”

 

“I know.” Ashlyn says.

 

“So where does that leave us?”

 

“I hope somewhere where you forgive me?” Ashlyn asks hopefully.

 

“I forgive you.” Kelley agrees.

 

“And I’m going to do more to prove to both you and Ali that I’m not a reckless jerk who takes the people I love for granted.”

 

“That seems like a pretty good place to start.” Kelley says, finally cracking a smile.

 

“Great!” Ashlyn stands up, “then let’s go!”

 

“Go where?”

 

“Game night. Duh.” Ashlyn pulls Kelley to her feet with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Comments? Questions?
> 
> Do you think Kelley had any right to be upset? Do you think Ali and Ashlyn should be so forgiving to each other?
> 
> Let me know! And come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com!


	19. The Darkness and The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here she is! Thank you for waiting! As always, please let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading!

Ali’s phone buzzes on the bedside table and she reaches for it lazily.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Well good morning sunshine!” Kelley greets happily.

 

“Hey Kel.” Ali grabs her coffee mug from the table and takes a sip.

 

“I just have a quick question for you.”

 

“Okay, shoot.”

 

“Where the hell are you?” Kelley’s tone is still as cheery as ever.

 

“What?” Ali asks.

 

“Well I’m in your living room right now but you are not.”

 

Suddenly the plans the two had made to go to lunch that day find their way back into Ali’s memory.

 

“Oh _shit_. I’m sorry I stayed the-”

 

“Stayed the night at Ashlyn’s, yeah yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.” Kelley complains.

 

“I totally spaced lunch. Do you want to just meet me at Little Bird in an hour?”

 

“An hour?! That’s so long and I am _so hungry_.” Kelley says dramatically, “Little Bird isn’t even that far!”

 

“I know, Kel, but I haven’t even showered yet.” Ali explains.

 

“ _What?!_ Ali Krieger it is 11:30, please tell me you are not still in bed!”

 

“Okay, I won’t tell you then.” Ali sasses back.

 

“Let me talk to Ashlyn.”

 

“Excuse me?” Ali asks.

 

“You heard me. I want to talk to your girl.”

 

Ali blushes at Kelley’s comment and reluctantly holds the phone out to Ashlyn, who is currently laying with her head resting on Ali’s lap, knees bent so they don’t hang off the side of the bed, flipping through a copy of _GQ_.

 

“She wants to talk to you.” Ali shrugs when Ashlyn looks up at her with a puzzled expression.

 

“Morning, Kelley.” Ashlyn greets her friend.

 

“Not for much longer.” Kelley scoffs.

 

“Ali’s the one who forgot you had plans, not me.” Ashlyn says defensively. At that, Ali smacks Ashlyn’s shoulder and shoots her a glare.

 

“Hey!” Ashlyn reacts. “You did!” She directs at Ali. Ali rolls her eyes.

 

“She may have been the one to forget but I’m sure you were a distraction.” Kelley states.

 

“Maybe.” Ashlyn says with a smug smile, thinking back on their morning’s activities.

 

“Which is exactly why I need to speak with you. I am going to hang up this phone and Ali has exactly one hour to arrive at the restaurant and buy me a BLT with Avocado and not a minute more. If she’s late, you’ll be the one to suffer the consequences.” Kelley says ominously.

 

“What kind of consequences?”

 

“One. Hour.” Kelley hangs up the phone.

 

“She says you have to be there in an hour or _I’ll_ suffer the consequences.” Ashlyn explains after handing Ali her phone back.

 

“Oh, come on. It’s Kelley. All she’s got is that _I-love-you-but-I’m-really-disappointed-in-you-right-now_ look.” Ali replies.

 

“But I hate that look! That’s the worst look!” Ashlyn says sitting up and hopping off the bed. She grabs Ali’s hands and pulls her up, dragging her towards the bathroom.

 

“You going to join me?” Ali says suggestively. She stops in her tracks and pulls Ashlyn back to her. Spinning her around, she kisses her deeply, her hands finding their way around her waist.

 

Ashlyn enjoys the kiss a moment before pulling away. “No way. We don’t have time for _that_ and for you to get ready. You’re solo on this one.”

 

“Ugh! This is totally unfair!” Ali whines as she follows Ashlyn into the bathroom. Ashlyn turns the water on and reaches for a set of clean towels as Ali starts to undress, still pouting. “She threatened you so why am I the one who is being punished?!—oh my god.” Ali stops midway from removing the pair of Ashlyn’s shorts she had thrown on earlier to avoid giving the neighbors a show when she went to the kitchen. “She did it on purpose because I forgot! This is intentional! She’s brilliant. Twisted, but brilliant.”

 

Ashlyn throws her head back in laughter at both Kelley’s antics and Ali’s reaction. “Sounds like Kelley. Now please get in the shower because I’m still afraid of her.”

 

After Ali has showered, gotten dressed in the clean clothes she just happened to have at Ashlyn’s house, and dried her hair, she stands at the counter in the bathroom applying her makeup. Ashlyn hops up on the counter on the other side of the sink and watches her for a few minutes.

 

“Like what you see?” Ali teases.

 

“Very much so.” Ashlyn says with a nod.

 

Ali leans over and kisses Ashlyn again before going back to the task at hand.

 

“So, I wanted to ask you something.” Ashlyn says sitting back and leaning against the mirror as she continues to watch Ali get ready.

 

“Yeah? What’s that?”

 

“Well my cousin is getting married next month, back home, and I was wondering if you’d want to go with me?”

 

“To the wedding?”

 

“Yeah, and some pre-wedding family stuff.”

 

“Definitely.”

 

“Definitely?” Ashlyn repeats, a little surprised by how sure Ali sounds.

 

“Yes, definitely.” Ali offers Ashlyn a big nose-crinkling, eyes-squinting smile.

 

“Cool.” Ashlyn grins back. She holds her hand up for Ali to high-five. “Grandma is going to be so stoked.”

 

“It’s sort of bizarre that we’ve never met. I used to talk to her all the time when we were in college. It feels like I already know her.”

 

“She feels the same way. Every time we’ve talked in the last three weeks she’s been trying to get out of me if I’d invited you or not.”

 

“I’m glad you did.” Ali smiles wide again.

 

“You’re gonna be my daaaate.” Ashlyn sing-songs.

 

Ali rolls her eyes. “I’m your girlfriend, Ashlyn. I damn well better be your date.”

 

“Girlfriend? You? I don’t remember having that discussion…” Ashlyn teases.

 

“Oh you want to play it that way, huh?” Ali says crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at Ashlyn. “Okay then. Not your girlfriend.”

 

“Well hold on. Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

 

“Nope. No discussion, no girlfriend.”

 

Ashlyn hops off the counter and wraps her arms around Ali’s waist. “Let’s discuss.” She places a gentle kiss to Ali’s lips.

 

“Oh would you look at the time?” Ali says glancing at the watch she’s not wearing. “I’ve got to go or I’ll be late to meet Kelley and you don’t want that!” Ali pulls away from Ashlyn’s embrace and saunters out the door.

 

***

 

“Here with a full two minutes to spare! I’m impressed, Krieger.” Kelley says as Ali takes her seat across from her.

 

“Oh your threats were heard loud and clear, O’Hara.” Ali grumbles.

 

“It wasn’t a threat,” Kelley says casually, “I was just incentivizing you to be here on time.”

 

Ali laughs at that before taking a moment to look over the menu. Their server comes to take their order and Kelley promptly lets him know that they’ll be on the same check today.

 

“So things are getting kind of serious between you and Ash, huh?” Kelley asks.

 

Ali nods as she finishes the bite of chicken salad sandwich she was enjoying. “Yeah, I think so. I know it’s only been a few months but there’s so much history there, you know? In many ways we’re still getting to know each other and learn about the people we’ve both become over the years, but that familiarity and level of comfort that you usually have to build with a new person is already there.”

 

“So you can pee with the door open and kiss her with morning breath and stuff.” Kelley adds.

 

“Something like that, yeah.” Ali laughs.

 

“She’s asked me to come home with her in a few weeks.”

 

“For the wedding?” Kelley asks.

 

Ali nods.

 

“Wow.” Kelley’s expression is one of genuine surprise.

 

“What? What’s the face? Is it a bad idea? I already said yes.” Ali rushes out.

 

“No! Sorry! It’s great! It’s _really_ great.”

 

“Then why do you look so…like that.” Ali waves her hand in front of Kelley’s face.

 

“Because this is kind of a really big deal for Ash and I didn’t realize she was ready for it.”

 

“Do you think she isn’t really?”

 

Kelley bites her lip.

 

“Oh.” Ali’s face falls.

 

“Ali it isn’t you that she’s not ready for. It’s her family. There’s still a lot of damage there.”

 

“But I’ve been around from the beginning, remember? When she couldn’t speak to them. The panic attacks and the--how she used to…” Ali can’t bring herself to finish the sentence. Her eyes fall to her plate.

 

“How she used to hurt herself.” Kelley finishes for her.

 

“There were more scars.” Ali says quietly. “The first time I saw her, there were younger scars. Do you worry she’ll do it again?”

 

“Not really. It’s been a long time.” Kelley sighs. “I’m sorry if my reaction put you off. It really is a good thing. It’s huge that she wants to share you with her family.”

 

“I’m really excited that she wants to share them with me too.” Ali can’t hide her smile.

 

“Yeah, but it’s really more than that. She’s protective of the things she loves.”

 

“Which is exactly why I feel so fortunate that she wants to share them with me. That she trusts me with that.”

 

“No, Ali, you’re not getting it.” Kelley says shaking her head. “You’re the thing she wants to protect. This isn’t about her sharing her family with you, it’s about her bringing this person she loves so fiercely to them. She wants to show how important you are to her.”

 

“But you’re not sure she’s really ready for me to meet them?”

 

“I’m worried she’s going to expect too much of them.”

 

***

 

The next day, Ali has just unlocked the door when a delivery arrives from a local florist. It’s a beautiful wooden box filled with a dozen bright pink roses and the card reads, “Something beautiful for my something beautiful. Love, your girlfriend.”

 

A little while later, Ashlyn and Heather show up on a break with coffee in hand. The side of Ali’s cup has the word “girlfriend” scrawled across it. Ali rolls her eyes as she takes the cup from a grinning Ashlyn.

 

“You’re too much.”

 

“And still it could never be enough for you, because you, love, you deserve the world.” Ashlyn says dramatically.

 

“You’re really laying it on thick.”

 

“Just trying to show my girlfriend how much I adore her.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“No discussion, no girlfriend. These were your rules.”

 

“If they’re my rules then I can change them.”

 

“Well maybe they’re my rules now.” Ali sasses.

 

Suddenly Ashlyn drops to her knees on the floor in the middle of Ali’s shop and clasps her hands together.

 

“Alexandra Blaire Krieger, you are the most wonderful girl in the world. And although I don’t deserve to even be in the mere presence of a creature as fair and lovely as you, would you please, _please_ allow me the great honor of calling you my girlfriend?”

 

Ali can’t contain her laughter at the ridiculousness of Ashlyn’s plea and nearly spits coffee in her face. But Ashlyn refuses to get off the floor until Ali agrees and pair seal it with a kiss.

 

“Okay you two, I’d really like to keep my lunch down.” Heather groans as Ali and Ashlyn remain in their blissful bubble.

 

“Afraid you’ll get a cavity from how sweet we are?” Ali teases.

 

“I’d rather have a root canal unmedicated than witness anymore of this.” Heather replies.

 

Before Ashlyn can come up with a witty comeback, a call comes in and Heather and Ashlyn have to take their leave. Ashlyn is halfway to the door before she turns back around to steal one more kiss from Ali.

 

*****

 

Ashlyn is absolutely buzzing as her and Ali make their way through the airport to the baggage claim. She bounces on her feet as she waits to see their bags, sighing in frustration every time another bag that isn’t theirs comes around the bend of the conveyor. Ali laces her fingers with Ashlyn’s and gives her hand a gentle squeeze to try and calm her down.

 

“Babe, you’ve got to calm down.” Ali says with a light laugh.

 

“I don’t want to be late.”

 

“It’s 12:30. Dinner isn’t until 5:00. I think we’re going to have plenty of time.” Ali reassures.

 

“But I want to make sure I can help Grandma if she needs anything. I don’t know why we’re having this thing at her house. She shouldn’t have to do any of the work.” Ashlyn grumbles.

 

“I thought you said she wanted to host? Wasn’t this dinner her idea?” Ali asks.

 

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean everyone should have agreed to it. We could have done it at Mom’s. Or at Corey and Brittany’s.”

 

“She really wanted to do it though. It’s important to her. We’ll still be there plenty early to make sure she doesn’t have to lift a finger, okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Ashlyn relents. “Thank you.”

 

Ali only responds with a peck to Ashlyn’s cheek.

 

Ashlyn pulls up in front of her grandmother’s house a little before 2:00. She opens the trunk of their rental car and pulls out both bags, Ali taking hers and following behind as Ashlyn heads up the walk. She watches Ashlyn and how familiar she is with the old house.

 

“Chris was supposed to mow the lawn.” Ashlyn mutters to herself as she digs in her pocket for her keys. She unlocks the door and pushes it open with a little extra effort, muttering again under her breath.

 

“Grandma?” Ashlyn calls out.

 

“Hi honey!” The elderly woman greets excitedly as she steps out of the kitchen behind her walker. “How was the trip?”

 

“Just fine.” Ashlyn replies, as she wraps her arms around her grandmother. “What can I help you with, Gram?”

 

“Ashlyn, sweetheart, you’ve just walked in the door. Let me say hello to Ali first.”

 

“Hi Mrs. Harris!” Ali says with a giant smile. “It’s really nice to finally meet you.”

 

“It’s about time!” Mrs. Harris says with a pointed look to Ashlyn. She slowly makes her way to Ali to give her a welcoming hug as well.

 

Ashlyn helps get her grandmother settled in her chair in the living room before showing Ali to the guest room where they’ll be staying the next few days.

 

“I can’t believe that no one has been over here to help.” Ashlyn whispers once the bedroom door is closed.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“She’s exhausted, I can tell. She’s probably been trying to clean this place up all day.”

 

“I’m sorry, Ash.” Ali says. “How about you go mow the lawn and I’ll help out in here where I can?”

 

“I feel bad.” Ashlyn says sadly.

 

“Don’t. It’s going to be a really nice night, okay? Let’s not let this ruin anything.”

 

Ashlyn nods though she doesn’t look convinced.

 

Ali gets the distinct impression that Mrs. Harris is a proud woman who doesn’t exactly love accepting help from others. When she enters the living room again, she starts chatting with Mrs. Harris, asking her lots of questions to get her talking. Mrs. Harris keeps talking as Ali slips into the kitchen and searches for cleaning supplies. She carries on from the kitchen, asking more questions, and keeping the older woman engaged as she starts wiping down counters, scrubbing the sink, and sweeping the floors.

 

“Ali, honey?” Mrs. Harris asks from her spot in the living room.

 

“Yes, Mrs. Harris?”

 

“Will you please quit cleaning my kitchen and come sit down?”

 

Ali laughs, knowing that she’s been caught. She puts away her supplies, satisfied with what she was able to get done, and join’s Ashlyn’s grandmother in the other room.

 

“I appreciate you hosting me these next few days. I just wanted to help out.” She says a bit sheepishly as she sits down.

 

“And I appreciate the help. I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone that I’m not as spry as I used to be. But I’d like to get to know you a little better and you’re only here a few days.” Mrs. Harris explains.

 

“I would like that very much.” Ali says with a smile.

 

Ali and Mrs. Harris sit and talk awhile, the conversation shifting to Ali, her time in Germany, starting her business. Ali can’t help but get a little emotional when she recounts how Ashlyn had been there for her during her accident and again after the robbery.

 

“I always knew she was an amazing person.” Ali gushes. “That was the draw when we were young. She wasn’t just fun to be around, she always cared about everyone around her so deeply. I wish she could have cared that much about herself.”

 

“Hm.” Mrs. Harris hums in agreement. “She’s a special girl, our Ashlyn. That thing within her that allows her to love so deeply can also hold a lot of darkness. But you are a light for her Ali, and you help her to see the light in herself as well.”

 

Before Ali can respond, Ashlyn walks through the front door in her shorts and cut-off tank. Her cheeks are lightly flushed and her skin glistens slightly with sweat. Ali’s eyes go wide at the sight.

 

“I’m going to jump in the shower, do you need anything else right now?” Ashlyn asks her grandmother.

 

“Oh I think Ali and I have it covered.” Mrs. Harris replies.

 

As Ashlyn heads off down the hallway to the bathroom, Mrs. Harris leans over to Ali and whispers.

 

“You’ve got a little something here.” The older woman mimics wiping the corner of her mouth and shoots Ali a wink. Ali turns bright red realizing she’s just been caught ogling the woman’s granddaughter, right in front of her.

 

***

 

Ashlyn’s mood improves greatly after her shower. She feels better now that her and Ali had helped get things together before guests arrived. She was also pleased when she found out that her grandmother was only providing the space for the dinner and wouldn’t be required to do any cooking.

 

As family members started arriving, Ashlyn gleefully introduced Ali to all of them. She was beyond thrilled every time she had the opportunity to say, “this is my girlfriend Ali.” And Ali, of course, beamed every time she heard it.

 

Ashlyn’s mother Tammye showed up late. She made her way through the kitchen, filling her plate, but stopped when she reached the table and found that there weren’t any open seats.

 

“I guess I’ll just go sit in the living room.” Tammye says.

 

“Oh, here.” Ali says standing up. “I’m finished eating, you can have my seat.”

 

Tammye squeezes past her without so much as a smile and sits down next to Ashlyn.

 

“I can go grab a folding chair from the closet.” Ashlyn offers, getting to her feet.

 

“You haven’t even said hello to me yet!” Tammye complains.

 

“I said hi when you walked in, Mom. I’m just going to grab a chair for Ali.” Ashlyn tries not to roll her eyes when she says it.

 

Ashlyn returns a moment later with the chair and tries to place it beside her own, but Tammye scoots her chair closer to Ashlyn’s so Ali is forced to sit off to the side a bit.

 

“Mom, this is Ali, my—”

 

“I know who Ali is. From college, right?” Tammye says looking to Ali.

 

“Yeah, we—” But Tammye cuts her off.

 

“You lived in Germany awhile didn’t you?” Tammye asks focusing back on her plate of lasagna.

 

“I did.”

 

“Guess that didn’t work out for you, did it?”

 

“Oh, um—” Ali doesn’t know how to respond.

 

“Mom.” Ashlyn says with a warning tone. “Stop.”

 

“What?” Tammye feigns innocence. “I was just trying to get to know your friend here.”

 

“ _Girl_ friend.” Ashlyn corrects, but Tammye ignores it.

 

“Oh Ash!” Tammye says excitedly. “How’s Amanda?”

 

“I don’t really know how she is, mom.” Ashlyn says coldly. “We broke up and you know that.”

 

“Well, never say never.” Tammye says with a shrug.

 

“You’re being incredibly rude to Ali right now.” Ashlyn bites out.

 

“Ashlyn.” Tammye scolds. “Do _not_ cause a scene. This is about your cousin and his beautiful fiancé and no one wants your dramatics right now.”

 

Ashlyn immediately deflates at her mother’s words and Ali watches as all the color drains out of her face. A moment ago she had a fierce protectiveness, bordering on anger, behind her eyes. Now they were filled with defeat and hurt.

 

“Hey, Ali? Do you want to come help me with Jenson?” Ashlyn’s cousin Brittany asks.

 

“Oh, um, sure.” Ali says hesitantly. She appreciates the out, but she doesn’t want to leave Ashlyn upset. “Ash, you want to come too?”

 

Ashlyn just nods and takes the hand that Ali offers her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> How do you feel about Tammye's treatment of Ali? How do you think Ashlyn handled it? 
> 
> Let me know what you think! And don't forget to come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com


	20. No Place Like Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're in the mood for a little bit of mush because this one is a touch on the sugary side. Thank you for waiting and being patient as always. I appreciate you all so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me! Let me know what you think in the comments!

Brittany lays Jenson on a blanket on the living room floor and sits down beside him. Ali sits across from her while a still-dazed Ashlyn stares down at them for a moment before finally joining them, sitting beside Ali.

 

“Don’t let her get to you, Ash, You weren’t making a scene. You know how she gets.” Brittany says in a hushed voice as they are not alone in the living room.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn says with a nod. “Yeah, I do.”

 

“You were sticking up for Ali and it was the right thing to do.” Brittany adds.

 

“I’m sorry, Al.” Ashlyn says hanging her head. She sounds guilty.

 

“Ash, honey, you didn’t do anything to be sorry for.” Ali says soothingly. She gently strokes Ashlyn’s arm with her hand to try and comfort her.

 

“My mom’s not really that horrible. She’s just not very mature sometimes.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“Tammye is…complicated.” Brittany states. “She loves Ashlyn and Chris, and all of us really. But no one has ever really shown her how to do that properly.”

 

“I don’t know why she did that though.” Ashlyn reaches forward and scoops baby Jenson up in her arms. The little boy nuzzles into her as he settles his head on her chest. “I thought she’d be happy I brought someone home.”

 

Ali catches a look flicker across Brittany’s face. She can tell she knows something that Ashlyn doesn’t.

 

“This is new for her, right?” Ali asks. “Maybe she’ll come around?”

 

Ashlyn nods hesitantly.

 

“And if she doesn’t, it’s her loss.” Brittany says with a serious expression. “I’m really happy you’re here, Ali. We’re going to have so much fun this weekend!  And I need you especially because Corey is busy helping his brother with this whole getting married thing, and those two are inseparable,” Brittany gestures to Ashlyn and the now sleeping Jenson, “so I need someone to hang out with.”

 

“I’m your girl!” Ali says with a grin.

 

“I thought you were mine?” Ashlyn says with mock-hurt.

 

“You can share for one weekend.” Ali says patting Ashlyn’s cheek.

 

Back in the kitchen, the room has taken on a chilly atmosphere. Most have fallen quiet as they finish their meals and clean up their plates.

 

“Tammye?” Mrs. Harris says as she lays her napkin on the table beside her plate.

 

“Hmm?” Tammye responds focusing on the potato salad on her plate.

 

“I would appreciate it if you would be kinder to my guests.” Mrs. Harris says curtly.

 

Tammye looks up at her former mother-in-law with a look of forced innocence. “What do you mean?”

 

Mrs. Harris rolls her eyes. “You damn well know what I mean, Tammye.”

 

“I was only teasing.”

 

“It took a lot to get that girl back into our lives.” Mrs. Harris says sadly. “I understand you’re upset. But please help me hold on to her.”

 

Tammye’s eyes fill with tears and guilt spreads across her face.

 

“I love that girl. She’s my baby. I love her.” Tammye says.

 

“I know you do.” Mrs. Harris nods. “So act like it.”

 

Tammye is quiet for a long moment before she picks up her plate and reaches for Mrs. Harris’ as well, carrying them both to the sink.

 

When Tammye makes her way to the living room, she finds Ashlyn sitting on the couch alone. She’s not sure where Ali is but she takes the opportunity and sits beside her daughter, wrapping both of her arms around one of Ashlyn’s and laying her head on her shoulder.

 

“Baby, please don’t be mad at me.” Tammye says softly, but with emotion.

 

“It’s fine mom.” Ashlyn replies, annoyed.

 

“No, it’s not fine. I’m sorry I was rude to your friend.”

 

“Really, Mom?!” Ashlyn bites back.

 

“Girlfriend. Your girlfriend.” Tammye corrects.

 

“Ali.”

 

“Ali.” Tammye repeats. “I’m sorry I was rude to Ali. I know she must be important to you if you brought her home with you.”

 

“its fine, Mom. Let’s just drop it.” Ashlyn is hurt by her mother’s actions, but she doesn’t want to cause any more drama, so she tries to just move on.

 

“Please, baby.” Tammye pleads, pressing her face further into Ashlyn’s shoulder. “I love you, honey. You’re my sweet girl and I don’t want you to be mad. Please don’t be mad.”

 

Ashlyn soften a bit at her mother’s pleas. She sounds sad and she’s squeezing her harder with every word. Ashlyn knows Tammye does love her so much and she feels responsible for the fact that she seems so scared over one little fight. If Ashlyn hadn’t disappeared for so long, her mom might not worry so much. She lets out a long sigh and looks down at her mom with a small smile.

 

“I’m not mad. It’s okay.”

 

“You promise?” Tammye asks with watery eyes.

 

“Yeah, I promise. But you have to promise me you’re going to be nice.  Ali is important to me and I want her to see how great you are.”

 

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Tammye kisses Ashlyn on the cheek several times.

 

Ali walks back into the room and finds Tammye leaning on Ashlyn. She’s glad they seem to have worked things out, but she doesn’t really know where she stands with Ashlyn’s mom at this point. She smiles hesitantly at Ashlyn and goes to take a seat in the arm chair beside her when Tammye stands up.

 

“I think I was in your spot.” Tammye says with a big smile and an almost too sweet voice.

 

“Oh, it’s okay. I’m sure you two have missed each other and want to catch up.”

 

“Don’t be silly. Sit, sit!” Tammye says scooting to the opposite end of the couch and patting the space beside Ashlyn.

 

“Thanks.” Ali says with an appreciative nod.

 

Ali takes a seat beside Ashlyn, who grins at her adoringly and throws her arm around the back of the couch so she can absentmindedly run her fingers up and down Ali’s arm as they sit and talk with everyone.

 

For Tammye’s part, she plays nice for the rest of the evening. She’s mostly quiet but chimes in here and there with a story about so-and-so or with a detail about the weekend ahead. Ali enjoys watching Ashlyn interact with these people who had once been such a mystery to her. Ali has always been close with her family, playing with her cousins in the summers and never missing a holiday meal or family reunion. In college, Ali knew that Ashlyn had her own stories of skate boarding with Corey and Chris, pulling pranks on her grandfather with her cousins, fond memories of Christmas and Thanksgiving in the very house they sit in now. Ashlyn had people she loved and missed even if it was her choice not to see them. But at the time the stories were all distant memories, tinged with sadness. Now they were alive and in full color, playing out before her, and showing Ali all that had shaped Ashlyn before she entered her world.

 

The thing Ali notices the most is how attentive Ashlyn is to her grandmother, without making a big fuss of it. She’ll continue on with her conversation with someone while getting up to help her grandmother to her chair. She’ll refill her water glass without being asked, and randomly move furniture to make the room more walker-friendly. But her gestures hardly go unnoticed as Ali sees the appreciation and pride radiating from the old woman.

 

That night, after everyone leaves, Ali stands in the kitchen putting dishes away while Ashlyn lays under the sink working on the garbage disposal.

 

“Oh, Ashlyn!” Mrs. Harris nearly scolds as she shuffles into the room. “What on earth are you doing?!”

 

“Your disposal is making a weird grinding noise.” A voice comes from the cabinets below the sink.

 

“It’s a garbage disposal, dear. It’s supposed to grind things.”

 

“This isn’t the normal grinding sound, Grandma. It’s a bad grinding sound. But it happens at my place all the time so I know exactly what to do. It’s really easy and will only take a minute.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“Don’t you think it could have waited until morning? You kids must be exhausted after traveling and dinner and whatnot.”

 

“We’re fine, Grandma. Promise.” Ashlyn says.

 

“We really are.” Ali agrees putting a stack of plates away.

 

“And you!” Mrs. Harris points at Ali. “You did plenty of work before this thing started, you don’t need to be doing anything else!”

 

“I _like_ helping.” Ali insists. “Besides, it’s easy because Ashlyn’s set her kitchen up just like yours apparently.” Ali laughs. “I already know where everything goes!”

 

“Do you put Ashlyn’s dishes away often?” Grandma Harris asks with a knowing smile. Ali blushes slightly.

 

“Um,” Ali hides behind a cabinet door. “From time to time.”

 

“Don’t let her make you do all the work.” Mrs. Harris says pointing to her granddaughter. Ashlyn pokes her head out from under the sink just in time to catch it.

 

“Hey now.” Ashlyn says. “Ali does the dishes when I cook, and I do them when she does. It’s a fair trade!”

 

“And who does them when you get take out?” Mrs. Harris asks.

 

“We eat out of the cartons.” Ali and Ashlyn say together.

 

The three laugh together at that, and Ali gently kicks Ashlyn’s leg with her foot. “Jinx.”

 

“Hmm.” Mrs. Harris says. “Sounds like a perfect match.”

 

Ashlyn scoots out from under the sink, drying her hands on a dishtowel.

 

“I think so too.” Ashlyn says with a grin to Ali.

 

“Oh, stop.” Ali replies, rolling her eyes. She doesn’t bother hiding her blush this time.

 

“Well girls, I’m off to bed. Don’t stay up too late.” Mrs. Harris says.

 

“Do you need anything?” Ashlyn offers.

 

“I’m alright for tonight, thank you sweetheart.” She replies. She turns and is halfway out the room when she remembers something. “Oh, honey, your mom wasn’t able to stop by the dry cleaners for me after work today. Do you think you could pick my dress up for me tomorrow?”

 

“Of course she didn’t.” Ashlyn mutters.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Of course I can.” Ashlyn forces a smile.

 

Mrs. Harris nods appreciatively and heads off to bed. Ashlyn lets out a big sigh and leans back against the cabinets. Ali sits down next to her on the floor, leaning back as well so she can look Ashlyn in the eye.

 

“What are you thinking?” Ali asks.

 

“I’m worried about her.” Ashlyn says in a quiet voice. “Last time I was here, for Christmas, she wasn’t using the walker all the time. She just seems more run down. She’s not getting enough help.”

 

“Are you sure she’s not just refusing it?”

 

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “That’s probably part of it. But I know she’s not getting enough offers either. How hard is it to swing by the dry cleaners?” Ashlyn rants.

 

“I know you’re frustrated but everyone was talking about how bad the traffic was. I heard your mom mention she was late because she had to make a stop but didn’t get there before it closed.”

 

“I know.” Ashlyn sighs again. “I guess that’s part of the frustration. It’s not easy for anybody. Dad and Chris work weird hours and sleep a lot during the day so they’re not super helpful, mom’s only free in the evenings. Corey and Britt live an hour away.” Ashlyn laments.

 

“What about a family friend? Or a neighbor maybe? Is there anyone you could ask to come and check on her?”

 

“That’s where her pride comes in. She’ll know we’re having someone check up on her.”

 

“How about a family meeting? Maybe you can get everyone together and tell them what you’ve noticed and you guys can work out a schedule or something.” Ali suggests.

 

“That’s actually not such a terrible idea.”

 

“Oh yeah? Do you find most of my ideas to be terrible?” Ali teases.

 

“The terriblest.” Ashlyn teases back. She leans in and kisses Ali sweetly. “Thanks for letting me vent.”

 

“Thanks for letting me be there.” Ali says back with another kiss.

 

***

 

The next day was filled with lots of wedding prep. Ali helped Brittany, and a couple of the other bridesmaids tie ribbon for the programs and fold place cards. Ashlyn went with her brother Chris to pick up some more guests from the airport and drop them off at their respective hotels, as well running a few errands, including a trip to the dry cleaner. In the evening, they all attended the rehearsal dinner where Ali finally got the opportunity to meet Ashlyn’s brother Chris and father Mike.

 

Mike was quiet but seemed very excited to meet Ali. He spent some time sitting with her, asking her about her job and her family, and seemed quite pleased to be able to introduce her to his brother. “Have you met Ashlyn’s lovely girlfriend? This is Ali Krieger.”

 

Chris was a bit of a different story. At first Ali thought he was just quiet and more reserved like his father, but it appeared he just hadn’t taken a liking to Ali. He was short and disinterested as Ashlyn tried to make an introduction, but flipped a switch and became the life of the party when talking to anyone else.

 

“Sometimes it takes him a minute to warm up to new people.” Ashlyn said through gritted teeth, glaring at the back of her brother’s head. “He’ll come around.” Ali thought it sounded a lot more like a threat than a reassurance.

 

Other than her stony introduction with Chris, the rehearsal dinner was a great time and Ali again enjoyed meeting Ashlyn’s family and helping out. She especially love the part of the night when Brittany was needed for bridesmaid duty so she handed her baby Jenson and scurried off. Ashlyn loved nothing more than holding that baby and cooing at him or singing him little songs. Everyone told Ali what a baby hog Ashlyn was and loved to tease her for it. But if Jenson was in Ali’s arms, Ashlyn didn’t so much as offer to hold him.

 

“You hold him and he goes right to sleep.” Ashlyn says, setting a glass of iced tea down next to Ali on the table. “You must be a baby whisperer.”

 

“No, I just bore him.” Ali cheeses.

 

“I find that highly doubtful.” Ashlyn sits beside Ali, reaching out to stroke the sleeping boy’s cheek with the back of her hand.

 

“Thank you for bringing me home with you.” Ali says seriously, meeting Ashlyn’s eyes with intensity. The words don’t seem to be enough to convey how she really feels, and she hopes that Ashlyn will be able to see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice, the gratefulness she feels. “Thank you for sharing your family with me.”

 

“I don’t know.” Ashlyn says, still holding Ali’s gaze.

 

Ali’s face wrinkles in confusion.

 

“You don’t know?” She asks. “Do you wish you hadn’t brought me?” The tone of her voice rising with each word.

 

Ashlyn grins at Ali’s panic-stricken face. She bites back a laugh as she shakes her head no.

 

“I am _so_ glad that I brought you.”

 

“Oh.” Ali lets out a deep breath. “Then what don’t you know?”

 

“I don’t know if it’s quite what you think.”

 

“Huh?” Ali asks, even more confused than before.

 

“It feels more like I’m introducing my family to them.” Ashlyn kisses Ali’s temple and leans back in her chair. “You’re my family, Ali. You always were.”

 

“I love you.” Ali says almost in disbelief at how lucky she is to be where she is right now, with this woman in front of her. “So fucking much.”

 

“Ah! Innocent ears!” Ashlyn gasps, covering Jenson’s one exposed ear with her hand.

 

Ali just throws her head back in laughter. Brittany joins them, watching the scene play out as she approaches.

 

“What’s going on here?” She asks with pseudo skepticism.

 

“Auntie Ali is using naughty words.” Ashlyn tattles.

 

“I’ve got naughtier ones.” Ali whispers in Ashlyn’s ear, shooting her a wink as she pulls away.

 

Brittany watches Ashlyn’s eyes go wide a moment at whatever it was Ali said and shakes her head at the pair. She scoops her baby out of Ali’s arms and settles him on her chest.

 

“I think it’s time we leave your aunties alone, don’t you?” She coos at her son.

 

“Guys, it’s only been 48 hours. Are you sure you want to be throwing around the “auntie” title so soon? I could still turn out to be a major disappointment.” Ali says.

 

“Nope.” Brittany says confidently. “I like you too much. If Ash doesn’t want you, I’m still keeping you around.”

 

“That won’t be a problem, Britt.” Ashlyn replies. “I want. I _definitely_ want.” She finishes slowly, staring at Ali.

 

“Okay, well you two are getting gross so we’re gonna go.” Brittany says with a laugh. “Thanks for helping me out, Ali.”

 

“Anytime.” Ali grins at her. “He’s the sweetest.”

 

Ali and Ashlyn watch Brittany and Jenson walk away before they decide that it’s time for them to head out for the night.

 

After they get home, Ali offers to make tea, while Ashlyn helps her grandmother get settled. Once Ali asks to see baby photos of Ashlyn, the three women stay up far later than they should. They sit, looking through pictures, Ashlyn and Mrs. Harris regaling Ali with all kinds of stories. Even after Ashlyn has fallen asleep with her feet hanging over the back of the couch, her head in Ali’s lap, Mrs. Harris and Ali continue talking into the early hours of the morning.

 

***

 

“Do you want white or red, Ali?” Brittany asks as they approach the bar.

 

“Oh, um, I’ll just stick to club soda and lime.” Ali says with a hint of awkwardness.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. I’m not really a big drinker.”

 

“Al, you love wine.” Ashlyn says with a look.

 

“Yeah, I just—“

 

“You just don’t want to drink because I can’t?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“No.” Ali says unconvincingly.

 

“Then why do you have wine night with Christen, or grab drinks with Kelley, but only ever drink water when we go out?”

 

“I want to be respectful and supportive.” Ali shrugs.

 

“And you are!” Ashlyn responds. “But I’ve told you a hundred times before that it’s okay. It doesn’t bother me at all if you have a glass of wine.”

 

“I don’t want to get carried away.” Ali mumbles quietly.

 

“Wait, is that what this is about?” Ashlyn asks with a laugh. “You don’t want to get drunk around me?”

 

“Well, I don’t know how that affects you!” Ali replies, a little annoyed that Ashlyn is finding the whole thing so funny.

 

“Al, I’ve seen you drunk before.”

 

“It’s not about being embarrassed.” Ali says exasperatedly. “I mean what if you don’t want to kiss me because I taste like tequila!”

 

Now Ashlyn is really laughing. Ali crosses her arms with a small pout on her lips.

 

“It’s not that funny.” She huffs.

 

“Ali, why didn’t you just talk to me about this? You don’t have to hold back on my account. It doesn’t affect me at all if you taste like tequila or Cab Sauv, or anything else, okay? I’m going to kiss you however much you would like for me to kiss you and we’ll both come out of it okay. In fact, I’ll probably fair better because I won’t have a hangover tomorrow.”

 

Brittany, who had been listening to the conversation while waiting in line, turns back to Ali and hands her  a club soda with lime, and an empty champagne flute. She’s got another glass in her own hand a bottle of champagne tucked under her arm.

 

“We’re celebrating.” Brittany says casually as she fills her glass and then Ali’s.

 

Ali sighs, but she’s smiling, and hands her glass of club soda to Ashlyn. “Thirsty?”

 

“How sweet of you to think of me.” Ashlyn teases.

 

The wedding was beautiful and Ali, the romantic that she is, cried even though she’d only just met these people. The reception was at a golf course and country club, and the room they were in had large glass doors that opened up one entire wall to a patio strung with lights.

 

For dinner, Ali and Ashlyn are seated with both of Ashlyn’s parents, Chris, Mrs. Harris, and Mike’s brother and his wife who Ali had been introduced to the night before. Chris hardly said a word the whole time, and Ali noticed that Ashlyn kept glaring at him. Tammye made nice, but Ali couldn’t help but feel like she was still trying just a little too hard. She knew Tammye missed Ashlyn and just wanted her time, but she was getting a little frustrated by Tammye’s constant need for Ashlyn’s attention. Sometimes she would talk over her, and other times she just managed to insert herself into whatever conversation they were having, even if it didn’t make sense. She was very grateful to be sitting next to Ashlyn’s uncle who turned out to be a real charmer. Whenever Tammye got to be too much, he was always there to make conversation with.

 

Ashlyn’s favorite part of the night was watching Ali ask her father to dance with her. She loved seeing how he had been so hesitant at first but how Ali, a wide smile on her face, sweetly talked him through his nerves, and by the end of the song he was twirling her around the dance floor. He’d had such a good time, that Ali even convinced him to stay for “Twist and Shout” when it came on next.

 

Ashlyn’s favorite part of the night was finding a giggling Ali, staring up at the lights on the patio, drinking straight from a bottle of champagne.

 

“Ashlyn!” Ali squeals in excitement.

 

“Hi, babe.” Ashlyn smiles at her silly girlfriend.

 

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Ali wraps her arm around Ashlyn’s neck, even though she’s still clutching the champagne bottle in her hand.

 

“Here? At my own cousin’s wedding?” Ashlyn teases.

 

“Noooo.” Ali whines.

 

“Here on the patio.” Ashlyn tries again.

 

“No!” Ali says animatedly, and loudly, an inch from Ashlyn’s face.

 

“Here.” Ali says removing a hand from around Ashlyn’s neck and placing it over her heart. She offers a goofy grin, eyes nearly closed to a beaming Ashlyn before breaking out in another fit of giggles. “And here.” She adds, pressing a finger to her lips. “And here….” She trails a hand down her body to her hips, but Ashlyn grabs her hand before it reaches it’s final desitnation.

 

“I love you too, Ali.” Ashlyn says with her own laugh.

 

Ali just stares at Ashlyn with wide eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“I didn’t think we were ever gonna get here.” Ali’s voice is filled with wonderment. “But I hoped for it all the time.”

 

“Me too.” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“I kissed a lot of people.” Ali says pointing a finger in Ashlyn’s face. “Lots!”

 

“Well who wouldn’t want to kiss you?” Ashlyn agrees.

 

“But the thing about kissing is you get to close your eyes.” Ali demonstrates.

 

“Yeah?” Ashlyn isn’t sure where Ali is going with this and given her state, she’s not convinced she knows either.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods emphatically. “Then I could pretend it was you. I always pretend it’s you.”

 

“You don’t really have to pretend anymore.” Ashlyn says, leaning forward and kissing Ali sweetly on the mouth.

 

“Mmm.” Ali sighs. “You’re such a good kisser.”

 

“You’re pretty good too.”

 

“Oh I’m _great_ , actually. She knows what she’s doing honey!” Ali sasses back.

 

Ashlyn just shakes her head and pulls Ali in close. When she feels the thud of the champagne bottle against her back for the millionth time she stops and takes it from her, placing it on the ground near a pillar, before pulling Ali flush against her again.

 

“This is nice.” Ali mumbles into Ashlyn’s neck.

 

“I just wanted one more dance with my love.” Ashlyn whispers into Ali’s hair.

 

They sway together in the warm breeze to the soft sounds of a love song drifting out to them from inside. Ali can feel Ashlyn’s heart beating, or maybe it’s her own. She’s not sure it matters really because they’ve felt the same for a while now, her heart beats within Ashlyn’s chest.

 

“Hey, Ash?” Ali asks quietly.

 

“Yes, love?”

 

“I think I’m drunk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What's up with Tammye and Chris?
> 
> Let me know! Come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com


	21. Attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this one was worth the wait and I'm sorry if it was a let down instead! There's always next chapter, right?
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think in the comments!

Ali trails behind Ashlyn who carries both of their carry-on items in an attempt to hurry Ali along. Ashlyn reaches back and grabs Ali’s hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze as she drags her through the airport towards their terminal. Ashlyn feels Ali’s hand pull away from her grip and she turns around to see her disappearing into the Starbucks nearby.

 

“Ali! We don’t have time!” Ashlyn calls after her.

 

“Coffeeeeee!” Ali whines.

 

“Fine. Hold on.” Ashlyn sighs.

 

She passes the five people in line before them and steps up to the counter, facing the other customers.

 

“I’ll pay for all of your coffee if you let me cut in front of you.” Ashlyn offers.

 

All five people in line nod in agreement so Ashlyn turns to the barista and orders two drip coffees with a splash of coconut milk and hands over a $50 bill.

 

“It’s one coffee order per person and pastries are on you.” She calls back to the line. “This should be enough for them too, and whatever is leftover is for you.”

 

Ali keeps in step a little better now that she’s got coffee in hand and the pair reach the gate right as a woman calls for any passengers needing assistance or traveling with children under the age of five to please board the plane.

 

“Al, don’t you want to take your sunglasses off?” Ashlyn asks. “We’re inside.”

 

“Shhh.” Ali responds reaching out and puting a hand over Ashlyn’s mouth. “Too much light. Too much noise. Not enough coffee.”

 

“Too much champagne. Not enough water. “ Ashlyn teases, removing Ali’s hand from her mouth and holding it in her lap.

 

Ali closes the shade as soon as she takes her seat beside the window and leans her head against it. Ashlyn finishes arranging their belongings and hands Ali a sweatshirt which she immediately balls up under her head for a pillow. Ashlyn sits beside her with a smirk on her face, thoroughly enjoying the state of her hungover girlfriend.

 

“Looks like someone’s not a morning person.” The 60-something year old woman sitting in the aisle seat says with a smile over at Ali.

 

“She can be.” Ashlyn smiles back. “But she was celebrating awfully hard last night.”

 

“Aaahh, I see.” The woman nods knowingly. “Well we’ve all been there. You seem to have fared much better. Were you not celebrating as well?”

 

“Oh I was, but the only bubbles I drank were in club soda.”

 

The woman nods again. “Probably wise.”

 

“For me, it’s definitely for the best.” Ashlyn replies.

 

Again the woman smiles at Ashlyn. “And what were we celebrating if you don’t mind me asking?”

 

“Not at all. A wedding.”

 

“Oh!” The woman exclaims, delighted. “Yours? Are you newlyweds?”

 

“No.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “My cousin. But it was still a big milestone for us. This was the first time I brought her home to meet the family.” She glances over at a now sleeping Ali and tucks a stray hair behind her ear.

 

“Well it sounds like you had much to celebrate then.”

 

“We did.”

 

Ali finally stirs when Ashlyn reaches over to put her seat back tray down for her and places two plastic cups on it. Ali sits up in her chair and pushes her sunglasses up on top of her head.

 

“Water and...a bloody mary?” She asks, eyeing the opaque red liquid over ice. “Hair of the dog?”

 

“Tomato juice. Sans vodka.” Ashlyn replies.

 

Ali scrunches up her nose. “Who drinks plain tomato juice?”

 

“You do.”

 

“I don't.”

 

“If you can drink a bloody mary, you can drink this tomato juice.”

 

“But _why_?”

 

“Because I know the only thing you’ll agree to eat right now is a giant plate of fries and unfortunately all this flight has is pretzels. This will keep you from getting too hangry before we land.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“I do not get hangry!” Ali protests.

 

“Last week you threatened to punch a kid over a slice of pizza.”

 

“He was at least 16, and I just really love pizza.” Ali says, picking up the tomato juice and taking a rather long sip.

 

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” The woman from the aisle seat says. “I get hangry too.”

 

“Ali, this is Evelyn.” Ashlyn introduces.

 

“Hi, I’m Ali.” Ali holds her hand out to greet the woman.

 

“It’s nice to meet you. I’ve been having a wonderful time chatting with Ashlyn here. She says such nice things about you.”

 

“She just doesn’t want to get punched over pizza.” Ali says with a wink.

 

“Pardon the interruption, ladies and gentlemen,” A voice interrupts them from the loudspeaker, “if there is a doctor on board, could you please press your call light?”

 

Ashlyn instantly starts looking around the plane to see if anyone else is responding to the call. She stands and can see three flight attendants gathered around a seat several rows back.

 

“Is everything okay?” Ali asks.

 

“I can’t tell.”

 

Ashlyn’s not sure if Anyone behind them has responded to the call, but she knows no one came from the front of the plane. She sits back down but doesn’t buckle her seat belt and tries to listen to see if she can hear any of what is going on. After a few minutes, a voice comes over the loudspeaker again.

 

“If there are any doctors, nurses, or medical professionals on board, please press your call light.” The voice is calm but with a sense of urgency.

 

Ashlyn had reached up and pressed the call light before the voice had finished her request.

 

A flight attendant rushes over immediately. “Hi, I’m so sorry to disturb you. We’re in need of medical assistance, may I ask what you do?”

 

“I’m a paramedic.” Ashlyn says, rising from her seat.

 

The flight attendant nods in relief and asks Ashlyn to follow her.

 

They reach the row of seats where the other flight attendants are gathered and Ashlyn sees a heavy set man in his mid-forties, sweating profusely, pallid, with his eyes shut tightly. The top buttons of his shirt are unbuttoned and his hands are trembling.

 

“He’s dizzy.” His wife says, a look of panic on her face. “He’s diabetic but he’s taken his medications and insulin today.”

 

“When did he last eat?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“We had breakfast right before the flight.” Tears fill the woman’s eyes.

 

“Do you have his glucometer?”

 

The woman grabs a bag from under her seat and hands the item to Ashlyn who checks the man’s blood sugar.

 

“Normal.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “Do we have a med kit?”

 

A flight attendant hands Ashlyn the kit and she starts going through it. She pulls out the aspirin, blood pressure cuff, stethoscope, and a fluid bolus and IV kit.

 

“Can you help get his shirt off?” Ashlyn asks the wife. She stands quickly and unbuttons her husband’s shirt, pulling it down his arms as best she can. Ashlyn helps lean the man forward carefully, so the wife and pull the sleeves off, freeing his arms. At this point the man is going in and out of consciousness, and Ashlyn worries he could go into cardiac arrest. She could administer CPR, but it would take some work to get him out of the seat and laying flat in the aisle to do so.

 

She grabs the man’s arm and holds it out, resting on her shoulder, and wraps the blood pressure cuff around it. She places the stethoscope just below the cuff’s edge on the brachial artery and begins to inflate the cuff.

 

She’s trying to listen as best she can over the plane noise when a voice on the loudspeaker breaks through again.

 

“Damn it!” She lets out in frustration. She deflates the cuff to try again.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts. We’ll be experiencing some mild turbulence.”

 

“Perfect.” Ashlyn grumbles.

 

“You have to help him!” The wife starts to cry. “Oh god!”

 

“Ma’am.” Ashlyn says looking seriously at the woman. “I am going to do everything I can to help your husband. I need you with me on this, okay? I need you to be as calm as you can for him, alright?”

 

The woman nods, her eyes locked on Ashlyn, but then they hit the first patch of turbulence and she shrieks.

 

“Hey, a little turbulence isn’t going to get in our way.” Ashlyn says calmly as she sets up to take the man’s blood pressure again. “I do this in the back of a speeding ambulance, driving over curbs and in all kinds of crazy conditions. This isn’t a problem.”

 

The woman takes a few deep breaths at Ashlyn words and nods again as Ashlyn turns her attention back to her husband. She tries again to take his blood pressure and this time she’s able to get a read.

 

“86/40.” Ashlyn says to the flight attendant relaying information to medical staff on the ground. “His blood pressure is very low. I need to get an IV started to support it until we can land.”

Ashlyn grabs the IV kit and quickly and easily gets things setup. The plane jostles and jumps the whole time but her face and her hands never falter. She searches for a good vein, but they’re weak.

 

“Can you bring me some warm towels to wrap around his arms?” Ashlyn asks. “I need to try and bring out a vein.”

 

A flight attendant returns with the warm towels and Ashlyn wraps them around the man’s arms until she finds a vein that will work.

 

“I’ve got one.”

 

“Are you able to start an IV? I was told you’re not a doctor?” One of the flight attendants asks.

 

“Ha!” Ashlyn can’t help but laugh at the implication. “Doctors don’t start IVs and they definitely don’t start them if the room is moving.” As she’s speaking, the plane gently rumbling, she places the IV in a single attempt.

 

She gives the man the aspirin before placing an oxygen mask over his face. She holds the oxygen cylinder between her legs as she stands next to him for the remainder of the flight. Every so often she checks his blood pressure again to make sure it’s stable, and now that’s she done all she can other than monitor him, she focuses a little more attention on the wife and trying to keep her calm.

 

Back in their seats, Ali has spent most of the flight with her knees on the seat, facing the back of the plane so he could watch as Ashlyn worked. She couldn’t hear much of what Ashlyn was saying, but she could tell by her face and her body language that she was calm, commanding, and at times, reassuring. Ali had obviously seen Ashlyn in action before when she had helped her, but neither time had Ali been present. She hadn’t been able to watch and appreciate the skill and care Ashlyn could provide and seeing her now made Ali well up.

 

“Oh honey, it’s alright.” Evelyn said soothingly when she saw Ali wipe away a stray tear. “It’s overwhelming in an emergency.”

 

“Yes,” Ali agrees, “but it’s not that. It’s  _ her _ .”

 

“You’ve found a special one.”

 

“You have no idea.”

 

***

 

 

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

 

“Looking at you like what?” Ali asks innocently, still staring at Ashlyn as she closes the trunk of their Uber.

 

“I don’t know. Whatever that is.” Ashlyn gestures to Ali’s face.

 

“I just really, really love you.” Ali replies, sliding into the backseat.

 

“I really, really love you too, but that looks more like you want to eat me.”

 

Ali leans in close so her lips are just brushing Ashlyn’s ear and whispers, “Oh I do.”

 

Ashlyn blushes a little but smirks as well. Ali’s hand starts gently raking her fingernails up and down Ashlyn’s thigh, getting higher and higher each time.

 

“Ali.” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“Mhmm?” Ali says, leaning close again, a mischievous smile on her face.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I’m just appreciating you.”

 

“Well I don’t know if the guy driving this car appreciates that.” Ashlyn says through gritted teeth, trying hard to not make any embarrassing sounds.

 

“I don’t care about the guy driving the car.” Ali retorts. “I care about you.”

 

Now Ali’s other hand as found its way under Ashlyn’s shirt and up her back. Her fingernails trace patterns that send chills down Ashlyn’s spine.

 

“Babe,” Ali says, low and soft. She presses a kiss behind Ashlyn’s ear. “I want you.”

 

Ashlyn closes her eyes and lets out a slow, deep breath.

 

“Mmmyep.” She mutters.

 

“What was that?” Ali teases.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes what?”

 

Ashlyn can’t help herself now. She turns and takes Ali’s face in both her hands and kisses her fiercely, allowing it to deepen a bit before she pulls away. Any longer and they would have been kicked out of the car. Now it’s Ashlyn who leans in close to whisper in Ali’s ear.

 

“You want me, you can have me.”

 

Ali’s face breaks into a wicked grin as she sits back in her seat without another word. She casually folds her hands in her lap like nothing at all had happened. Ashlyn’s eyes go wide at the move and she shakes her head as she leans back in her own seat as well.

 

Once their through the front door of Ali’s house, Ali leaps into Ashlyn’s arms, wrapping her legs tightly around her waist and begins kissing every part of her neck and face that she can get to. Ashlyn starts to laugh but is quickly silenced when she feels Ali’s tongue inside her mouth. They haven’t even left the entryway but Ashlyn doesn’t care. She steps forward, pressing Ali’s back against the wall and continues kissing her, only stopping every now and then to take a gasping breath before carrying on.

 

Ali drops her feet back to the floor and shoves Ashlyn back with both hands. Ashlyn pulls away, a look of confusion on her face. Before she can open her mouth to ask if everything is alright, Ali switches their positions and presses herself into Ashlyn who’s back is now against the wall. Ashlyn likes it when Ali takes a little control so she shudders ever so slightly when Ali grabs her wrists and holds them to the wall so she can’t touch her.

 

“Bedroom?” Ashlyn suggests with dark eyes.

 

“No.” Ali replies.

 

With that, Ali drops Ashlyn’s wrists so she can unbutton her jeans and pull them down just enough to make room, then slides her hand into Ashlyn’s underwear.

 

Ashlyn let’s out a gasp and Ali laughs.

 

“Hmm.” Ali says as she explores. “Feels like someone’s been looking forward to this.”

 

“Jesus, Al.” Ashlyn pants out.

 

“No?” Ali says stopping her movements. “You haven’t been looking forward to this? I can stop…”

 

She starts to remove her hand but feels Ashlyn's hand on hers, stopping her. “Don’t you dare.”

 

Ali slides two fingers into Ashlyn without warning causing her to cry out. Ali is driven on by Ashlyn’s reaction and begins to move in and out quickly, Ashlyn’s breath ragged between soft moans. When she feels Ashlyn tighten around her she curls her fingers and stops moving. She waits for Ashlyn’s eyes to meet her own before removing her fingers and finding her clit. She begins with slow strokes and then moves faster, applying a little more pressure. When Ashlyn’s breath nearly stops and her eyes snap shut Ali stops again.

 

“Open your eyes.” She commands.

 

Ashlyn looks at her lover again, eyes wild, chest heaving.

 

“Close them again and I’ll stop. Understand?”

 

Ashlyn nods.

 

“No.” Ali says seriously. “Understand?”

 

“Yes.” Ashlyn breathes out.

 

“Good.”

 

Ali touches her again, starting slowly and working her up. Ashlyn fights to keep her eyes locked on Ali’s, focusing on the fire that seems to be dancing behind them as she brings her closer and closer to the edge.

 

Finally, Ashlyn’s legs are shaking as the intense pleasure pulsing through her takes over. She can only mutter Ali’s name over and over again as she stares directly into her eyes. When she’s calmed down, Ali drops her forehead to Ashlyn’s and her sweet smile returns. Her eyes hold nothing but affection and love.

 

"I love you so much, Ashlyn. I love you.” Ali whispers.

 

They stay like that, just holding each other in the entry way for a few long minutes. But once Ashlyn regains her strength she buttons her pants and scoops Ali up in her arms and carries her off to the bedroom. Now it’s Ashlyn’s turn to take what she wants. She tosses Ali onto the bed and pulls her leggings off. Ali scoots back in anticipation, making room for Ashlyn to settle herself between her legs.

 

Ashlyn takes her sweet time and Ali writhes and claws and grabs. When Ashlyn finally lets her have her release, she reaches for Ali’s hand, intertwining their fingers while Ali lets out a string of expletives

 

Ali had dozed off a few minutes and wakes up to find Ashlyn on her phone.

 

“Really?” Ali rolls her eyes. “Tell me you’re not scrolling instagram right now.”

 

“I’m not!” Ashlyn laughs, throwing her phone down beside her. “I was just checking on something.”

 

“Checking on what?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It means you’ll see.” Ashlyn says before placing a long lingering kiss to Ali’s lips.

 

“This was nice.” Ali says, resting her head on Ashlyn’s bare chest.

 

“Very nice.” Ashlyn agrees. There’s a small pause before Ashlyn adds, “it kind of took me by surprise though.”

 

“Probably because you were busy saving someone’s life.”

 

“Oh so while I was working you were just sitting on a plane getting all hot and bothered?”

 

“No,” Ali props herself up on an elbow to look at Ashlyn. “I was watching you be a hero and getting all hot and bothered.”

 

Ashlyn’s eyes go wide. “Wait. Are you telling me that watching me take a sweaty guy’s blood pressure turns you on?”

 

“Watching you be amazing and skilled and calm and caring, and just overall incredible turns me on.” Ali corrects.

 

Suddenly the doorbell rings, interrupting them. Ali looks confused. She’s not expecting anyone.

 

“You should get that.” Ashlyn says with a smug look.

 

“I’m naked.” Ali states.

 

“Yes you are.”

 

Ali eyes Ashlyn suspiciously as she pulls open the top drawer of her dresser and throws on a long sleep shirt. She’s halfway out the door when Ashlyn calls out to her.

 

“Wait! Take the $5 from the dresser!”

 

Ali grabs the bill and heads for the door.  Ashlyn just lays back and listens to Ali as she answers and greets the person on the other side. She listens as Ali practically skips back to the bedroom. When she gets there she leaps onto the bed with a brown paper bag in hand and opens it excitedly.

 

“Truffle fries?!” Ali exclaims as she pulls out the box.

 

“ _ Parmesan _ truffle fries.”

 

“With garlic aioli!” Ali squeals.

 

“There’s house made ketchup in there too.”

 

“God if I didn’t love you before, I most certainly do now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? 
> 
> What do you think happens now that they're home? 
> 
> Let me know! And feel free to come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com


	22. Emotional Coma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! As always thank you for your patience. I am through my move (part one) and back from vacation so hopefully I can be a little better about updating one story a week. It can still be hard sometimes, but I appreciate you all sticking with me! Enjoy this one and please let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> As always, come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

_ Ashlyn sits in front seat of her car and sighs deeply. _

 

_ “You can do this.” She says out loud to her reflection in the rearview mirror. She’s lit only by the streetlamp she’s parked under. _

 

_ She pulls her blonde hair back into a bun and reaches for the duffle bag on the passenger seat. She hoists the overstuffed bag, containing all of the belongings she hadn’t left in a box on the curb, onto her shoulder and limps up to the porch. It’s nearly 2am but there’s a light glowing in the front window and Ashlyn knows that when she knocks someone will answer. _

 

_ She waits to the sounds of the lock being turned, then the door is opened just enough for the older woman to poke half her face out. She takes in her late night visitor and her eyes go wide. Ashlyn offers an embarrassed smile. _

__

_ “Ashlyn?” Her grandmother asks with a mix of shock and confusion. _

 

_ “Hey, Grandma.” _

 

_ The woman pulls the door open and pushes open the screen door with haste. She doesn’t even have both feet out the door before her arms are wrapped around her granddaughter. _

 

_ “Oh honey, I’m so glad to see you!” Ashlyn can hear the tears in her voice and she squeezes her tighter. She pulls away to get a better look at Ashlyn, placing a hand to her cheek and turning it towards the porchlight. _

 

_ “What’s happened to you, Ashlyn?” The woman’s tone is sad, but she seems unsurprised to find the welts on Ashlyn’s face. _

 

_ “I fell.” Ashlyn replies quietly. “I’m fine, I swear.” _

 

_ “Is that why you’re here then?” Her grandmother asks. “Because you’re fine?” _

 

_ Ashlyn drops her eyes to the floor as they fill with tears, holding her breath to fight back the sob caught in her throat. _

 

_ “What do you need?” _

 

_ “Can I stay here?” Ashlyn asks, her voice finally breaking. _

 

 

_ “This is your home.” Her grandmother holds the door open for her. _

 

_ *** _

 

_ Ashlyn didn’t get out of bed for two weeks after she arrived at her grandmother’s house in the beach town she grew up in. After the first week, Grandma Harris tried a little tough love, pulling open the curtains, running the water in the shower, and telling Ashlyn to be downstairs in an hour. After a couple of hours she returned to Ashlyn’s room and turned the water off. She tried telling Ashlyn that she wouldn’t be bringing her anymore meals, and instead, if she wanted them she’d need to go to the kitchen to get them herself. _

 

_ Ashlyn stopped eating. _

 

_ It was the hushed voices coming from the living room one evening that finally pulled Ashlyn from her emotional coma and drew her out of her room. _

 

_ “I don’t know what else to do. She needs real help. I’m scared for her.” Grandma Harris says. _

 

_ “You better be planning to take her to the hospital two towns over then because we know too many people here.” Tammye huffs. _

 

_ “This isn’t about your reputation, mom!” Chris bites out. “Not that yours is any good anyway.” _

 

_ “Christopher!” Grandma scolds. _

 

_ “I’m sorry, Grandma, but you’re not really going to let her say shit like that are you?” Chris defends. _

 

_ “Don’t swear at your grandmother!” Tammye admonishes. _

 

_ “I didn’t swear  _ at _ her!” _

 

_ “That’s enough!” Grandma Harris cuts in. “I didn’t ask you here to argue. We need to help Ashlyn.” _

 

_ “No, I’m pretty sure Ashlyn needs to help herself.” Ashlyn says as she shuffles into the room and drops down onto the couch. _

 

_ “Oh, my baby!” Tammye cries out, clasping a hand over her mouth. _

 

_ Ashlyn exaggeratedly looks behind her in both directions then points to herself with a look of confusion. “Me? You don’t mean me. You don’t have a daughter, right? That’s the last thing you said to me anyway.” _

 

_ Tammye doesn’t say anything, she just collapses into her chair, bawling. _

 

_ “I see you’re just as dramatic as ever, Mom.” Ashlyn laughs humorlessly. _

 

_ “Don’t encourage her.” Chris says, rolling his eyes. _

 

_ “Tammye, go into the kitchen and get yourself together. Do not come back in here until you can keep it together, do you hear me?” Grandma Harris snaps. _

 

_ Tammye cries even harder as she gets up and rushes into the other room. _

 

_ “Grandma, I love you, but I don’t think dragging my mom into this was a good idea.” Ashlyn grumbles. _

 

_ “Honey, you are welcome to stay here as long as you need  and I will do everything I can to support you through whatever this is you’re going through. But your  mother is a part of life here and you’re going to need to figure out how to deal with that.” _

__

_ Ashlyn just lets out a long sigh and nods reluctantly. A silence falls over the room a moment and Ashlyn realizes Chris is just staring at her with a strange look on his face. _

 

_ “What?” She asks him. _

 

_ “Are you okay?” He asks seriously, a sense of fear in his voice. _

 

_ “I really don’t know yet.” Ashlyn answers honestly. _

 

_ “Do you want pizza?” Chris offers. “I can get your favorite.” _

 

_ “Yeah. Sure.” Ashlyn gives a small smile of appreciation. _

 

_ Chris grabs his keys and hurries out the door. _

 

_ “Poor thing. Think I’ve scared him off.” Ashlyn deadpans. _

 

_ “He doesn’t know how to handle seeing you like this. He’s trying to help.” Grandma comments. _

 

 

_ “I know.” Ashlyn agrees. “Guess I’ve really freaked everyone out, huh?” _

_ “That’s putting it mildly.” _

 

_ “I’m sorry.” _

 

_ “I know you are.” _

 

_ “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m going to get myself together. I promise you that.” _

 

_ “Don’t promise me, promise yourself.” Grandma Harris says. _

 

_ “I will.” Ashlyn nods. “I’m going to help you out around here, get a therapist, find a job.” _

 

_ “All good things.” Grandma Harris agrees. _

 

_ A little while later Chris returns with the pizzas and Ashlyn joins him at the table after a shower. They’re quiet at first but quickly fall into their typical banter teasing one another. They don’t address Ashlyn’s struggles or the faint bruising that still remains under one eye from her fall off the roof. But Ashlyn understands that her brother is showing his support in the only way he knows how, by treating her well. _

 

_ “Did mom eat?” Ashlyn asks seeing only three dirty plates in the sink. _

 

_ “No. I offered to bring her some but she said she wasn’t hungry. She’s out back.” Chris juts a thumb over his shoulder at the sliding door behind them. _

 

_ Ashlyn grabs a plate and puts a couple of slices of pizza on it before heading out the back door. _

 

_ “Good luck.” Chris whispers to her as she slides the door closed behind her. _

 

_ Tammye sits in a patio lounger smoking a cigarette. She looks up at Ashlyn briefly when she hears the door, but then focuses on tapping some excess ash into the ashtray before her. _

__

_ “I didn’t know which kind you wanted so I brought a slice of both.” Ashlyn sets the plate beside the ashtray. _

 

_ “Thanks.” Tammye says letting out a puff of smoke between her lips. _

 

_ “I thought you quit?” Ashlyn asks. _

 

_ “I did for a while.” _

 

_ “Bad habits are the hardest to kick.” Ashlyn adds. _

 

_ “That they are.” Tammye agrees. _

 

_ Ashlyn and her mother sit in silence for several long minutes until Tammye’s cigarette is burned out and the pizza is cold. Ashlyn is just about to give up and go inside when Tammye shifts in her chair to face her daughter. _

 

_ “Bab--” Tammye starts to use the pet name but stops herself. “Ashlyn.” She corrects. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you the last time we saw each other. I’m not asking for your forgiveness because I don’t believe I deserve it. But I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for how I’ve treated you in the past. No mother should ever speak to her daughter the way I did to you. I love you and I was wrong.” _

 

 

_ “And your comment about the hospital earlier?” _

_ “I was wrong then too. Not that it’s an excuse but I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I wanted to protect you. Chris is right, I don’t have a great reputation and you kids have to carry that around with you too. I didn’t want to add anything else to that.” Tammye explains. _

 

_ “But getting help isn’t something I’m embarrassed by, Mom. If you three had hauled me off to the hospital tonight, it shouldn’t be something I should have to feel ashamed of.” _

__

_ “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Tammy says sadly. “I’m not good at this.” _

 

_ “That doesn’t make it okay.” Ashlyn isn’t angry, or even upset. She’s honest. _

 

_ “I’m going to try.” Tammye says seriously. _

 

_ “Okay.” Ashlyn nods again. _

 

_ “Can I ask you something?” Tammye asks hesitantly. _

 

_ “You can ask, but I don’t promise to answer.” Ashlyn responds. _

 

_ “I understand.” Tammye smiles a little at her daughter’s attitude. “Why did you come home?” _

 

_ There’s another long pause while Ashlyn considers what she wants to tell her mother. Part of her wants to tell her nothing, wants to tell her she doesn’t get to know anything because she hasn’t earned it yet. And another part of her wants to tell her everything because she’s angry and heartbroken and wants a mother right now. _

 

_ “I fucked up at school. I’m not going to graduate.” She finally says. _

 

_ “What happened?” _

 

_ “I had a little too much fun I guess.” Ashlyn shrugs. _

 

_ “So you came home because you aren’t going to finish school?” Tammye recaps. _

__

_ “No.” Ashlyn sighs. _

__

_ Tammye pulls another cigarette from the pack and lights it, saying nothing, waiting for Ashlyn to continue if she wishes to. _

 

_ “I made some really awesome friends.” Ashlyn smiles as she sees the faces of Tobin and Kelley in her mind. Then it falls when Ali’s bright smile and warm eyes take over. “One in particular was really something else.” _

 

_ “Ali?” Tammye asks. _

 

_ Ashlyn looks perplexed by her mother’s knowledge of Ali. _

 

_ “You’re grandmother mentioned her to me.” Tammye explains. “She’s been giving me little updates after your calls.” _

 

_ “Oh.” Ashlyn isn’t quite sure how she feels about this information. She doesn’t love that her grandmother had been sharing information with her mom, but it means something that her mom wanted to know at all. “Yeah, Ali.” Ashlyn finally continues. _

 

_ “But you two aren’t friends anymore?” _

 

_ “No, we’re not.” Ashlyn’s tone becomes cold. “I don’t know if we ever really were.” _

 

_ “What do you mean?” _

 

_ “I mean…” But Ashlyn trails off. “I mean that things were--I mean…” She tries again, but can’t finish. She’s scared to tell her mother the truth. _

 

_ Tammye hears the anguish in Ashlyn’s voice. She knows that the heartbreak of losing a friend wouldn’t send Ashlyn to such a dark place. - _

 

_ She also knows that the last time her and Ashlyn has discussed her daughter’s feelings for another girl, she hadn’t been supportive. Tammye had always wanted to have a daughter. An adorable little girl to put in frilly dresses and sign up for dance class and teach her how to flirt. Ashlyn was adorable alright, but dresses and dance class were the last things she wanted. When Ashlyn told her she was gay, that image of the perfect little girl finally shattered in Tammye’s eyes and she didn’t handle it well. _

__

_ But time and distance had taught her a lot and Tammye missed her little girl. She missed her tree-climbing, soccer-shorts-under-her-church-dress, fist-fighting, rambunctious little girl. She still couldn’t quite wrap her head around things, but she wasn’t so afraid anymore. _

 

_ “You mean, you were in love with her?” Tammye asks. _

 

_ “I  _ am _ in love with her.” Ashlyn confirms. “God, I’d give anything not to be.” _

 

_ “She broke your heart.” Tammye states. _

__

_ “She left, Mom. She moved across the world and she didn’t even tell me. She didn’t even say good-bye.” Ashlyn can’t help but break down. Sobs wrack her body as her mother pulls her in close to her, stroking her hair and cooing softly at her. _

 

_ “She doesn’t deserve you, baby.” Tammye says with anger in her eyes. “You deserve so much more.” _

 

***

 

“Good morning!” Christen chirps from the front door.

 

“In here, Chris!” Ali calls from the bedroom.

 

The sound of Christen’s footsteps get louder before her shining face pops through the door.

 

“I brought coffee.” She sing-songs, holding the cardboard tray up.

 

“Four?” Ali asks. “Two for me, two for you?”

“Close.” Christen replies. She hands the drink holder to Ali so she can climb up on the bed and settles herself between Ali and Ashlyn, leaning against the headboard. She grabs two coffees, handing on to Ashlyn on her left, and sipping the other.

 

“And the last one?” Ali asks.

 

But before she can respond, they hear the sound of the front door closing again.

 

“Yo!” Tobin’s voice comes from the living room.

 

“Bedroom!” Christen calls back.

 

“Does anyone care that I’m not wearing pants?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“No.” Ali and Christen reply in unison.

 

“No what?” Tobin asks as she shuffles through the door.

 

“No we don’t care that Ashlyn isn’t wearing any pants.” Christen says with a shrug.

 

“I encourage it actually.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

 

“Me too!” Christen adds excitedly. “I want to see that cute butt you’re always talking about.”

 

“ _ Excuse me?! _ ” Ashlyn eclaims. She nearly chokes on her coffee.

 

“Well you don’t really wear pants that show it off very well.” Ali explains.

 

“That’s not really the part I was reacting to.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes.

 

“I’m just appreciating your  _ assets _ , honey.” Ali laughs.

 

“I’m sorry,” Christen says more seriously but still wearing a smile, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s your body and if this kind of joking isn’t funny to you then I’ll stop.”

 

“It’s okay.” Ashlyn reassures. “I mean she’s not wrong. I do have a great ass.”

 

“More like you  _ are _ a great ass.” Kelley says joining her friends in their bedroom.

 

“Will anyone else be joining us?” Ashlyn asks Ali. “Is your mom on her way maybe? Is Alex dropping by?”

 

“Alex has to work.” Ali says around a sip of her coffee. “But Heather is going to meet you and Tobin for lunch.”

 

“What are you guys?” Ashlyn asks gesturing to Ali, Kelley and Christen.

 

“We’re getting pedicures!” Christen replies.

 

“What if I want a pedicure?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“You hate people touching your feet.” Kelley rolls her eyes.

 

“I just like eating better.” Tobin says.

“How did I not know any of this was happening?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“You don’t read the group text.” Kelley replies.

 

“Group texts are terrible and no one likes them. I stand by that.” Ashlyn says that pointing her finger for emphasis.

 

“Like it or not, babe, it leaves you out of the loop.” Ali says.

 

“Pantless in a room full of friends.” Kelley adds.

 

“Well I hope you all enjoy the view then.” Ashlyn sasses as she jumps up out of bed and makes a show of walking to the bathroom. Kelley reaches out and gives her a little pinch just before she disappears. As Ashlyn showers, Ali gets up and starts moving about the room getting herself ready for the day while chatting with her friends. Eventually Ashlyn emerges again, showered and dressed and trades places with Ali who goes to fix her hair and put mascara on.

 

An hour later, Ashlyn and Tobin are on their way to meet Heather, while Ali, Kelley, and Christen are soaking their feet and adjusting the settings on their massage chairs.

“I’m going to get one of these for my living room.” Kelley says.

 

“A massage chair?” Christen asks.

 

“The whole thing, complete with the foot bath. Who doesn’t love a good soak after a long day?”

 

“That’s why I have a bathtub.” Ali quips. “And a bathtub can fit two.” She finishes with a smirk.

“Ugh.” Kelley groans. “You guys are so gross in love.”

 

“Isn’t it great?” Christen squeals.

 

“It kind of is.” Kelley agrees. “So how was meeting the family? Are they as grossed out as we are by your love?”

 

“Um, kind of.” Ali says a bit hesitantly.

 

“Uh-oh.” Kelley says.

 

“What happened?” Christen asks.

 

“Nothing happened.” Ali tries to be cool about it. “It was actually a really great trip. Her grandmother is amazing and it was so special to finally get to meet her. Her dad is really quiet but he’s a sweet guy. I really liked him. And her cousin Corey is wonderful too. I became fast friends with his wife, Brittany. And oh my gosh, her nephew? _ So _ adorable!”

 

“That’s all great, Ali,” Kelley says, “but you’re leaving a few people out.”

 

“Oh, you noticed that?” Ali grumbles.

“What did Tammye do?” Kelley’s tone is frustrated, but not directed at her friend.

 

“She just...I don’t think she was very happy to meet me is all.”

 

“She wasn’t friendly?” Christen asks.

 

“She made it pretty clear I wasn’t welcome. Brought up Amanda, made Ash feel terrible. I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t that happy to meet her either.” Ali explains.

 

“Tammye is a complicated woman.” Kelley says. “She’s had a lot of her own struggles and to be perfectly honest, they’ve kept her from becoming emotionally mature. She loves her kids with all her heart and soul, but she’s not always very good at it. I was worried this might be a lot for her.”

 

“What do you mean?” Ali asks, her tone a bit accusatory.

 

“It’s not you, Ali. Tammye has only recently gotten more comfortable with Ashlyn being gay. Add the rest of their personal struggles to that and someone with the emotional capacity of sixteen year old isn’t going to know how to deal when her daughter tries to bring someone serious into the mix. I don’t think she knows how to not feel threatened by you.”

 

“Well Chris wasn’t much better. I mean he didn’t make Ashlyn cry but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.”

 

“I thought she was close with her brother?” Christen asks.

 

“She  _ is _ .” Ali says, her face falling as she thinks back to Chris avoiding her all weekend.

 

“Yeah, Tammye I expected, but I thought Chris would be excited to meet you.” Kelley says.

 

“It really was a good weekend, though.” Ali tries to perk up. “I’m really happy I went.”

 

“I’m happy for you.” Christen offers a comforting smile. Kelley nods and offers a smile of her own but Ali can read the confusion still behind her eyes.

 

“I guess I’ll just have to win them over, right?” Ali asks, forcing herself to brighten a little. “And we all know how much I love to win.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What's up with Tammye? How about Chris? What do you think is going to happen next?
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	23. Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! How many times will I thank you all for your patience and understanding??? I missed you all and I hope you enjoy this one. Thanks for sticking with me. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!

“I’m offering you four beautiful spring days and three majestic spring nights in a cozy woodland cabin, all food provided, absolutely free of charge.” Kelley pitches to the group.

 

Tobin is sprawled out on the couch, Christen sitting on the floor, leaning back near Tobin’s head. Alex is in the armchair, her legs crossed and a copy of  _ Glamour _ open in her lap. Ashlyn stands, but leans against Alex’s chair.  They all look unimpressed by Kelley’s offer.

 

“Hi! Sorry I’m late!” Ali calls as she rushes into the the room, dropping her stuff and herself to the floor beside Christen. “What did I miss?”

 

“Kelley’s up to something.” Alex says flipping the page of her magazine.

 

“What?” Kelley feigns innocence. “I am  _ not _ ‘up to something.’”

 

Ali looks to Christen for an actual explanation.

 

“Free long weekend at a cabin in Harrisonburg. All we need to do is pack our bags and get ourselves there.” Christen explains. “Or so she says.” She adds with a skeptical look to Kelley.

 

Ali throws her head back in laughter. “Really, Kel?”

 

Kelley just shrugs, but she’s smirking.

 

“Okay, so what are we missing?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“High School Encounter.” Ali states as if those three words explain everything.

 

“What’s that?” Christen asks innocently.

 

“That,” Alex starts, throwing her magazine on the coffee table and finally turning her attention to Kelley, “is the youth retreat Kelley has been put in charge of running this year. Her church takes a bunch of bratty teens out to the woods and teaches them about Jesus and abstinence and stuff.”

 

“Do you ever listen to anything I say?” Kelleys asks with genuine wonderment. “We don’t talk about Jesus and abstinence. I’ll give you that there’s a healthy amount of prayer and a student-led worship service on Sunday morning, but we this retreat isn’t about teaching biblical values or stories.” Kelley’s sincere passion for the upcoming event is apparent in her voice. “It’s really about the kids and their experiences.”

 

“What do you mean?” Tobin asks.

 

“We have a group of Seniors, who have been selected based on essays they had to submit, who lead small groups. These groups work together on a bunch of stuff. Some team-building exercises, some stupid stuff just for fun, and a lot of small group discussion that’s just about what their going through right now in their lives. What troubles them, what makes them happy, what are they afraid of, what are they proud of. The focus is about understanding themselves so they can be better versions of themselves.” Kelley explains.

 

“That sounds really sweet.” Christen says with a big smile.

 

“It does.” Ashlyn agrees. “But if this is mostly peer-led, why do you need all of us? None of us are even Catholic.”

 

“This is the girls-only retreat so I thought it would be a good idea to have a bunch of guest speakers come and talk about different experiences in their lives that would be empowering to them. A bunch of badass women role models.” Kelley grins.

 

“Oh that’s not fair.” Ali whines. “You can’t build up this retreat as so important and then makes us out to sound special and important too.”

 

“So you’ll come?!” Kelley asks excitedly.

 

“Yeah, I’ll go.” Ali sighs.

 

“If she’s going, I’m going.” Ashlyn says.

 

“I would have gone no matter how you asked.” Tobin says.

 

“Me too.” Christen nods.

 

Everyone turns to Alex, waiting for her to respond.

 

“Oh please.” Alex says, rolling her eyes. “You know I’m going to go.”

 

Kelley starts bouncing up and down with excitement, bounding from person to person to hug them.

 

“I guess we’re going on an adventure.” Ashlyn says with a laugh as Kelley leaps into her arms.

 

***

 

“You made it!” Christen chirps as Ali climbs out of the passenger seat of Ashlyn’s car.

 

“Barely.” Ali shoots a glare to Ashlyn as she round the car to the trunk.

 

“Al, it wasn’t that bad. You’re being dramatic.” Ashlyn replies, pulling their bags and sleeping bags from the back.

 

“You would think someone who had seen as many car wrecks as this one, “ Ali narrows her eyes in Ashlyn’s direction, “would know better than to take a curve at 75!”

 

“Babe.” Ashlyn says trying not to laugh. “I never went faster than 35 miles per hour on the curves.”

 

“You’re speedometer must be broken.” Ali sasses.

 

Ashlyn drops their belongings to the ground and approaches Ali, wrapping her arms around her waist and pulling her in close. She leans her forehead against Ali’s and smiles at her.

 

“Hey. I’m sorry I scared you. I understand why certain driving situations feel stressful and scary to you. I promise you that your safety is always a priority to me.” Ashlyn says soothingly.

 

“It was more like 45.” Ali says, a pout on her lips but her eyes show forgiveness.

 

“40.” Ashlyn counters. Ali’s eyes start to widen at her admission so Ashlyn leans in and kisses her sweetly. “But I promise I’ll slow down on the drive back. Okay?”

 

“Fine.” Ali relents with a return kiss. “If I let you drive that is.”

 

Ashlyn just rolls her eyes and picks their bags up off the ground.

 

“Hi, Christen.” She grins at their friend who has thoroughly been enjoying the pairs antics.

 

“Hi, Ash.” Christen says with a crinkle of her nose. “I’m glad you guys are here.”

 

“Me too!” Ali chimes in. She links her arm through Christen’s and heads for the stairs of the cabin.

 

The cabin the girls are staying in is used for members of camp staff who either don’t have a cabin of kids to manage or for counselors who have a week off between sessions. It’s designed to keep a little distance between whoever is staying there and the rest of the camp so they can have a break. It’s a little larger and a little nicer than where the kids will be staying, and includes a small common area, a bathroom and two bedrooms, each equipped with four sets of bunk beds. At the back of the common area are a set of double doors that open out to a porch with two weathered adirondack chairs, and a short distance away is a small fire pit surrounded by log benches.

 

Once inside, Ali takes in the cabin, walking around the space and popping her head into each room, and opening the back doors before she gives an approving nod.

 

“This is cute.” She states.

 

“I’m so glad it has a bathroom so we don’t have to get up and wander around outside in the middle of the night.” Christen notes.

 

“I’m glad it’s on the opposite side as the campers so we don’t have to deal with teenagers all weekend.” Ashlyn adds.

 

“That’s kind of why we’re here, Ashlyn.” Ali shakes her head. “To deal with teenagers.”

 

“No,” Ashlyn corrects, “we’re here to talk to teenagers and be a good influence. We are not here to deal with whatever girl drama or pranks or whatever reasons they come up with  to make loud, high-pitched squealing noises.”

 

“Okay, you might have a point.” Christen agrees.

 

“So are we all sleeping in there?” Ali points to the room where she saw Christen’s belongings.

 

“I guess so.” Christen shrugs. “There’s more than enough bunks in there for all of us.”

 

“We can save the other one for the quiet room. You know, for when you two stay up late giggling and gossiping and I need to get some sleep.” Ashlyn teases.

 

“She’s not wrong.” Ali laughs, immediately throwing her sleeping bag up on the top bunk next to where Christen will be sleeping.

 

“Knock knock!” Alex’s voice comes from the other room.

 

“In here!” Ashlyn calls back.

 

Alex, followed by Tobin, make their way into the bedroom to join the others. The women all greet each other, this time with hugs, and continue chatting about their respective drives to the camp and the nice weather they’re supposed to have as they all make up their beds and put their things away. Eventually Kelley shows up after spending most of the day at the camp setting things up for everyone to arrive the next morning. She walks in the front door with a large, blue, plastic tub under one arm, and two pizza boxes and a stack of paper plates and napkins in the other.

 

“Who’s ready to get crafty?” She asks the group enthusiastically.

 

Tobin takes the tub from Kelley and sets it on the floor in the common area, immediately pulling the lid off to look inside.

 

“Oooh! Glitter!” Ali says eyeing a box with several tubes of different colored glitter.

 

“Are those shark stickers?!” Ashlyn asks reaching in for the sheet.

 

“A little something for everyone.” Kelley says. “You all need to make name tags for yourself. The senior leaders make them for each other girls in their cabin, but I didn’t have time to make them up for you.” She explains.

 

“Geez. Some leader you are!” Alex jokes.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Kelley rolls her eyes. “I figure we can do a little art project while we eat. I tried to bring stuff I knew you’d like.”

 

Ali starts taking supplies out and setting them on the little table under the window, organizing each thing in neat stacks and rows. She notices each of the little things Kelley has included for each of her friends. Shark stickers for Ashlyn, glitter for Ali, beads for Christen, markers and pens for Tobin and Alex. Nothing has a name marked on it, but it’s clear that there is something for everyone and Ali is touched by the thought.

 

After everyone has grabbed their pizza and their craft supplies, they settle into different corners or spots in the room and a calm lull falls over them as they work away. When they’re done, they each have a name tag that perfectly fits their personality. Kelley then insists that everyone put them on and pose in front of the cabin just like all the other girls will do tomorrow.

 

“Oh, come on, guys.” Kelley whines. “It’s about the experience. Get into it.”

 

Of course they all relent to Kelley’s request and make sure to ham it up for good measure.

 

***

 

Day one of the retreat turns out to be way more fun than anyone expected. About 65 highschool girls arrive on Friday morning, completely clueless about what the weekend will be like. Part of Highschool Encounter is that no one talks about Highschool Encounter and besides being given a packing list, the attendees don’t even know where they’re going. When the girls get off the bus, they are presented with a name tag and are instructed to find a seat in the chapel. Alex, Ali, Ashlyn, Tobin, and Christen sit ina  row of chairs against a back wall, enjoying watching the nervous and perplexed faces of the campers as they each find a seat. Some of the girls start comparing name tags and realize that they seem to have different themes and pretty soon they’ve figured out that the themes must indicate different groups. Although they weren’t told not to talk, everyone keeps their voice to a whisper as they theorize about what is to happen next. Finally the group of seniors come and take their seats in the front of the chapel, facing the campers, and Kelley makes her way to the lectern.

 

“Welcome to Highschool Encounter.” Kelley says warmly, but seriously, like she’s sharing a wonderful secret. “This weekend is about you. Together, with your classmates and leaders, we’ll spend this weekend learning, and growing, and it is my sincerest hope that each of you will leave here with peace in your heart, and with new understanding for yourself and your friends. All we ask of you this weekend is that you keep your hearts and your minds open.” Kelley tells the now-hushed group of teens.

 

“Let us pray.” Kelley finishes, making a quick sign of the cross before folding her hands and bowing her head. As she does, all the girls follow suit.

 

Tobin, Christen, and Ali follow along easily, but Alex and Ashlyn look a little confused before folding their hands and bowing their heads too. Ali can’t help but let a tiny, breathy laugh escape when she sees the nervousness on Ashlyn’s face.

 

After a very long, silent moment, music starts blaring from the speakers in the room. Aretha Franklin’s “I Say a Little Prayer” plays as the senior leaders leap from their chairs and begin and elaborately choreographed dance number.  Kelley’s face breaks into a satisfied smile as she watches the relief spread across her friend’s faces at the turn of the events, and then it turns to a look of pride as she watches the joy and excitement spread through the room as her campers laugh and smile.

 

After an actual group prayer, a quick agenda for the day, and a morning snack, the students all break into their small groups for a game of “Human Knot.” Ashlyn in halfway out the door to find another mug of mess hall instant coffee when Kelley grabs her arm and drags her back.

 

“Kelley, I need coffee!” Ashlyn complains.

 

“Snack time is over, friend! We’re playing a game.”

 

Ashlyn just groans as Kelley pulls her into the circle of their friends.

 

“Okay, so everyone grabs someone else’s hand. You cannot take the hand on the person on either side of you.” Kelley explains taking Alex’s hand.

 

“Are we really doing this?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“We really are.” Ali says with a nose-crinkling smile and reaching for Ashlyn’s and Tobin’s hands.

 

Round one of Human Knot is hilarious as the friends try and untangle themselves and struggle far more than the teenagers around them. At one point, Kelley even considers stopping the game because Alex and Ashlyn can’t stop bickering. Eventually Tobin emerges as the unexpected leader, carefully guiding every movement to finally unravel them. Round two of Human Knot adds a new rule: no talking. There’s no bickering this time, but they do end up collapsing into a mess of bodies on the floor twice before one of the kid’s, a girl named Rebecca, starts giving them instructions. Pretty soon all the groups have finished, and the campers are gathered around, watching and working together to help the mess of adults currently  tied together.

 

“That human knot this was actually pretty fun.” Tobin says as she sits down on a log bench but the fire pit behind the cabin.

 

“Sure, easy for you to say.” Alex scoffs. “You knew what you were doing, apparently.”

 

“Yeah, that was pretty impressive.” Ali adds. “How did you know what to do?”

 

Tobin just shrugs. “I don’t know. You just have to look at it the right way.”

 

“In game, and in life.” Ashlyn says, placing her hands on Tobin’s shoulders and shaking her playfully.

 

“Is that one of the lessons we’ll take with us when we leave here?” Christen asks.

 

Everyone laughs lightly, but they all have a sense that they really will be taking something away from this trip.

 

“Your speeches were really great, guys.” Alex says sincerely. “I’m pretty nervous to give mine tomorrow. I didn’t know a bunch of teenage girls could be so intimidating.”

 

“I know!” Christen says whipping around on her bench to face Alex. “It’s not even that they’re scary, you just really don’t want to let them down.”

 

“Well you definitely didn’t do that.” Alex reassures. “Both of you were super inspiring. Actually, I know this is going to sound really cheesy but, I feel like I appreciate you a little more now.”

 

“Aw, that’s sweet!” Ali says. “Also, I totally agree. I always knew you guys were awesome but I think I’d forgotten how empowering it is to see young, talented, driven, women working hard and taking what they want from life.”

 

“Kelley’s going to be so pleased with herself if she hears us talking like this.” Ashlyn laughs.

 

“Talking like what?” Kelley says, strolling out of the cabin.

 

“Oh, nothing.” Ashlyn replies. “We’re just out here reflecting and telling each other how much we respect and appreciate one another.”

 

“Gross.” Kelley says, feigning disgust.

 

“How did cabin checks go?” Christen asks.

 

“Lots of giggling, two girls were fighting, three were crying. All-in-all it was a success.”

 

“See?” Ashlyn says pointing at Ali. “That’s the stuff I’m talking about.”

 

“Oh, please.” Ali rolls her eyes. “You were a teenage girl once too.”

 

“Exactly!” Ashlyn exclaims like she’s just proved her point.

 

“Okay, kids.” Kelley interrupts. “I’ve brought surprises for you.”

 

“Really?” Ali asks excitedly, scooting closer to Ashlyn on the bench.

 

“Really.” Kelley nods. She runs back into the cabin quickly and turns with a bottle of red one and a paper bag. She hands the wine to Christen and the bag to Ashlyn.

 

“Wine!” Christen cheers.

 

“You confiscate that from the campers of something?” Alex asks.

 

Kelley just shoots her a wink before placing an index finger in front of her lips and whispering “Shh.”

 

“Wait, really?!” Alex’s eyes go wide.

 

“You really think I’d buy a brand called  _ Cupcake _ ?” She counters.

 

“What a rebel.” Ali says. “So what’s in the bag?” She turns her attention back to Ashlyn and leans in to peer inside.

 

“S’mores.” Ashlyn sighs happily.

 

“Oh you’ve made her night!” Ali laughs. “She’s been talking about s’mores since we left yesterday.”

 

“We know.” Kelley, Christen, Tobin, and Alex say in unison.

 

Ali and Christen go inside to find the bottle opener Christen thinks she has in her purse and some paper cups and Kelley sneaks into Ali’s spot.

 

“Hey there.” She leans her head against Ashlyn’s shoulder.

 

“Hi.” Ashlyn sticks a couple marshmallows on a poker and holds them out over the fire.

 

“How are you feeling about tomorrow?”

 

Ashlyn sighs. “Okay, I think. You’re sure I’m not going to get you in trouble?”

 

“Positive.”

 

“If I can use what I’ve been through, the mistakes I’ve made, to help even a couple of those kids make better choices than I did, I’ll be glad.”

 

“Ash, you use what you’ve been through every single day, to make other’s lives better. You’ve already given back plenty. I’m so grateful that you want to do that for my girls too, but I hope you know you’re already making a difference.”

 

Ashlyn nods in appreciation and leans her head on top of Kelley’s as she watches the flames of the campfire flicker over her toasting treat. She can hear Ali’s laughter carry through from inside, the sound of her voice lamenting the taste of cheap wine, but agreeing to drink it anway.

 

“Hey, Kelley?” Ashlyn says softly.

 

“Hmm?” Kelley responds.

 

“Thanks for bringing us here. I think we needed it.”

 

***

 

Ali tries to wipe away her tears as Ashlyn finishes up her presentation, but they seem to fall relentlessly. A blonde girl in the back row grabs the box of tissue that sits at the end of each row of chairs and brings it Ali with sympathetic smile. Ali takes them and mouths “thank you” but when she sees the tears in the girl’s eyes as well, she has to cover her face with her hands to muffle her sob.

 

Ali had expected Ashlyn to talk about her job, about saving lives. She thought she might talk about how going to school had redirected her and given her new purpose. She hadn’t expected her to talk about her family struggles or her depression or what it felt like when she fell apart. She wasn’t expecting her to talk about getting drunk and falling off a roof. She didn’t know that Ashlyn was going to talk about how her mistakes and her messes kept her from being a good friend and having love in her life. And when Ashlyn finished by talking about how putting in the hard work and cleaning up her messes got her the things in life she has always wanted.

 

“Finally being able to put my love into somebody and know that it’s safe and know that I’m doing it right,” Ashlyn muses, “that’s the greatest thing I have in my life. And none of that would have been possible if I hadn’t gotten my shit together. Life is complicated and you’re not going to be successful all the time. Please don’t screw up as massively as I did, but even if you make mistakes, the point is, if you want it, you can recover.”

 

When Ashlyn makes her way to the back of the chapel, Ali locks eyes with her a moment before slipping out the back door. She leans against the outside of the building a takes a few slow deep breaths, eyes closed, when she feels a familiar arm wrap around her.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods, her eyes still shut tightly. “I don’t know why that made me so emotional.”

 

“I’m a very talented public speaker.” Ashlyn says with a smug smile.

 

“Oh, please.” Ali sniffles, regaining her composure.

 

“Says the girl crying.”

 

“Maybe I’m crying because you were so terrible.” Ali retorts.

 

“Maybe.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“Ugh.” Ali groans. “I’m not. You were great and I’m, like, really in love with you.”

 

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks pulling Ali in closer.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m, like, really in love with you too.”

 

***

 

The biggest surprise of the Encounter retreat is when each student is present with an envelope filled with the letters. Kelley and the senior leaders secretly reach out to family and friends of the campers and ask them to write letters to each girl that will be given to her on the last night of the retreat. This event is highly emotional and very personal, so the girls are given time alone to read their letters. The senior leaders stay in the chapel in case anyone needs them, but Kelley tells Tobin, Christen, Alex, Ali, and Ashlyn to head back to the cabin and relax until dinner.

 

When they walk through the front door of the cabin, the girls find five envelopes, each with a name printed on the front, clearly displayed in the common area of the cabin. It doesn’t take much guessing for the girls to figure out what’s in them. Along with the envelopes is a note from Kelley:

 

_ Girls-- _

_ You didn’t think I’d leave you out of something this cool, did you? The same rules apply to you. Find a space alone and take your time. I’ll see you at dinner. _

_ Love,  _

_ Kelley _

 

The women don’t say much to each other as they grab their envelopes and sneak off to different parts of the cabin to go through them. Ashlyn takes hers and sits in one of the beat up adirondack chairs on the back porch. The first letter she reads is from Kelley, thanking her from coming on the retreat and telling her how proud of her she is. Next she finds letters from her mom, dad, brother, cousin, grandmother, and high school best friend. The last letter she finds, she can immediately recognize the handwriting on the front. When she turns it over, she finds a post-it stuck to the back.

 

_ This was the hardest one to get, but I figure you understand how I made it happen since I sold the same story to you.  -K _

 

Ashlyn laughs to herself as she recalls Kelley asking her to write a letter to Ali as a part of surprise gift she was working on. There were very few details and she definitely didn’t see this coming, but she had happily written the letter anyone. Ashlyn pulls her feet up on to her chair and rests her chin on her knees as she begins to read her letter from Ali.

 

_ Ashlyn, _

_ I have to admit that it’s a little strange to be writing you this letter. The last time I sat down to pour my heart out to you with pen and ink was a very different situation. That night, all those years ago, I was hopelessly in love with you. Only, that was the problem. It was hopeless. There were so many things that you and I both needed but neither one of us knew how to get them.  _

_ I see things differently now. When my arms are wrapped around you or when I look into those perfect eyes of yours, I see everything I once wanted and then some. I see an incredible person. But I also see how we had to fall apart in order to fall together. I am so, truly sorry for all the pain and hurt that I caused you, and I know I will be forever. But given the chance to do things differently, I don’t think I would. I am hopefully and endlessly in love with the person you are right now and that person is made from everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve done to get here. Thank you for sharing her with me.  _

_ Always and All ways, _

_ Ali _

 

Ashlyn reads through the letter a couple more times before she folds it carefully, pulls her wallet from her back pocket, and places the letter safely inside, right next to the last letter Ali wrote her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? What do you think comes next for these two?
> 
> Let me know what you think! Come find me at letter-know.tumblr.com


	24. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gets a little mushy...but I hope you like it! Let me know what you think in the comments or come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com. And as always...thank you for reading!

Alex,

 

Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw you?

 

_ Ashlyn readjusts the hat sitting atop her messy blonde locks as she cruises through campus on her skateboard. Effortlessly maneuvering around the slow-moving students in front of her and into the bike lane. She knows class starts in five minutes and the line at the coffee shop will be more like ten, but she veers to the right anyway. She figures it’s about time her professors to get used to her fashionably late arrivals, it is the second week of classes after all. _

 

_ Ali doesn’t have class for another hour but she likes to show up early and get the desk in the front row by the window. But she knows if she gets there too early, the professor won’t have unlocked the room yet and she’ll have to sit in the hallway, so she decides to swing by the university bookstore her way. In the bookstore she walks slowly through the aisles of notebooks, planners, and pens, stopping to open a few here and there. She tries a few of the sample pens before settling on a retractable roller-ball with purple ink and making her way to the cashier. She glances at her silver Tiffany watch, a graduation gift from her grandmother, only to find she still needed to kill time. She sighs to herself as she eyes the line in the coffee shop and heads that way. _

 

_ “Sixteen-ounce vanilla latte!” The barista calls out as he places the cup on the counter. Ali and Ashlyn both step forward, but Ashlyn stops when she sees the dark-haired girl before her. Ashlyn reaches instead for a sleeve for the cup of coffee she doesn’t yet have and mutters a quiet “excuse me” as she steps out of Ali’s way. Ali smiles in response, her nose crinkling when she does, and then reaches for a sleeve herself before turning and walking out the door. Ashlyn almost doesn’t hear the barista call out another sixteen-ounce vanilla latte a moment later. _

 

It was in the coffee shop on campus, right at the beginning of freshman year. You know, back when you still parted your hair down the middle and wore low-rise jeans. I know it sounds like a line, but you smiled at me and I swear the world stopped. That’s the thing about your smile though, it’s so genuine and pure that it radiates happiness and you can’t help but feel that when it’s directed at you. Your smile has always been my first favorite thing about you.

 

Do you remember the first time we met?

 

_ “That is the 5th white t-shirt you have tried on! Let’s go!” Kelley demands, clapping her hands. _

 

_ “Do you think I should wear black instead?” Ashlyn asks, pulling yet another white t-shirt over her head and tossing it in the pile at the end of her bed. _

 

_ “At this point, I don’t care if you don’t wear a shirt at all. I just want to get going.” Kelley replies. _

 

_ “You’re supposed to be fashionably late to these things, Kel.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes at her impatient friend. _

 

_ “I know that.” Kelley sighs out. “But I told Ali I’d meet her there and she doesn’t know anyone else there. I don’t want to leave her in an awkward situation.” _

 

_ “Oh, right. The infamous Ali.” Ashlyn teases. Kelley had made a friend in a history class and Ashlyn had spent the last month listening to “Ali said this” and “Ali did that” and “I can’t, I’m meeting Ali for coffee.” _

 

_ “Careful with that attitude there, Ash. Someone might think you’re jealous.” Kelley teases back. She hands Ashlyn a slate blue, short-sleeved, button down. “Wear this.” _

 

_ Ashlyn takes the shirt and puts it on, taking her sweet time buttoning it up and cuffing the sleeves, just to annoy Kelley. Finally, she laces up her black boots and nods to Kelley that she’s ready to go. _

 

_ When the pair arrive at the party, Kelley immediately starts looking around the room to find Ali. “Hey, I’m gonna take and lap and see if I can find--” She’s cut off before she can finish her sentence as a bubbly brunette bounds towards her. _

 

_ “Kelley!” Ali cheers as she wraps her arms around her friend. “This party is so fun! Thanks for inviting me!” _

 

_ “I’m glad you’re having a good time.” Kelley laughs. “Sorry we’re late. This one,” Kelley points at Ashlyn, “was having a fashion crisis.” _

 

_ Ali opens her mouth to comment, but as she turns to look at Ashlyn, she seems to forget her works. The two lock eyes a moment, and Ali sees something flicker in Ashlyn’s eyes before the blonde breaks into a wide smile and sticks her hand out to Ali. _

 

_ “Ashlyn Harris.” She introduces herself. “Fashionista.” She says with an exaggerated hair flip. _

 

_ Ali laughs, her signature smile on display. “Ali Krieger.” She shakes Ashlyn’s hand. “On time for this thing.” _

 

_ Before Ashlyn has time to respond, a loud voice from the back of the room interrupts them. “KRIEGER! YOU’RE UP!” _

 

_ “Oh!” Ali nearly squeals. “I’m on the table! Who’s playing with me?” Ali looks questioningly between Ashlyn and Kelley. _

 

_ “Beer pong?” Kelley asks. Ali nods excitedly. _

 

_ “Better let Ash take this one.” Kelley says. “I suck.” _

 

_ “Alright, Fashionista.” Ali says, folding her arms in front of her. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” _

 

_ “That sounds an awful lot like a challenge. Aren’t we supposed to be a team?” Ashlyn asks. _

 

_ “Yeah,” Ali shrugs. “But I’ll put it this way...I hate losing more than I love winning.” _

 

_ Ali starts to head toward the back of the room where the beer pong tables are setup, but stops and turns back to Ashlyn. “And I really love winning, Ashlyn.” _

 

Kelley had invited us both to that party at Anton’s house. She was so annoyed with me when we were getting ready because she didn’t want to leave you alone at a party where you didn’t know anyone, and of course we walk in and you’ve got a PBR in one hand and your name already on the notoriously-difficult-to-get-on beer pong list.

 

I recognized you right away that night. I had to keep myself from laughing because of course the girl Kelley had been telling me about for weeks, was the same girl from the coffee shop. The same girl I hoped to run into again every time I went back to the coffee shop. The same girl who’s smile sometimes crept into my mind, and I couldn’t help but smile back at the mere thought of it.

 

Of course it was you.

 

It felt like you and I fell right into place the very first moment we met. You’re the kind of beautiful girl that should have made me nervous, but instead I felt at ease with you. We laughed, and talked, and teased like friends who had known each other our whole lives. We dominated that beer pong table for a solid hour. We were a perfect team, right away.

 

Love is a funny thing. I feel it for a lot of people in many different ways. I felt it before you, and I even felt it after you. But I’ve never felt like a team with someone before. I’ve never loved someone who truly felt like a partner to me.

 

I saw you for the first time in a campus coffee shop, I met you for the first time at a college party, but I didn’t know you for the first time, not really, until the last night I saw you. It wasn’t how you carefully snuck out of my room, pulling the blanket up over me, folding my shirt and placing on the back of my desk chair. It wasn’t the letter you left or the time you spent thinking about every word as you wrote it.

 

It was the look on your face when I told you that you were what I dreamed about. It was the way you kissed me that night and tears you shed when you stopped. It was the thing that broke my heart, and then ultimately healed it. That night, and the next morning when I read your letter, I couldn’t make sense of what I had felt from you. I loved you and I swore I felt it back, so I couldn’t figure out why you’d kiss me like that and then disappear. But with time, I came to see that you left because you not only cared enough about yourself to take a chance and an opportunity, but that you also loved me enough to push me away when that was the only thing that could help me. I discovered that you aren’t just beautiful and smart with a wicked sense of humor and a wild competitive streak. You’re also someone who loves with her whole heart, and who will put others first, and do what’s best for someone you love, even if it hurts you.

 

Even if it breaks your heart.

 

That look on your face when I told you I wanted you was this mix of joy, fear, anger and love. It flashed in your eyes all at once and I knew it meant something then. So when I saw it again the night of your crash, when you recognized me, I knew it meant something then too.

 

I may have pulled you from the wreckage that night Ali, but you’d been guiding me out of the wreckage of my life since the moment you had walked out of it. When you came crashing back into my life, with that same look on your face, I couldn’t help but hope that you were here to change it again.

 

And you were.

 

You are.

 

Thank you for leaving, Ali. And thank you for coming back.

 

I love you.

 

-Ashlyn

 

***

 

Ali folds the letter neatly and puts it back into the envelope. Fat tears are rolling down her face but she doesn’t try to stop them. She thinks, for a brief moment, about feeling bad that her letter to Ashlyn was so short by comparison, but decides against it. Ashlyn has always been the one who could talk passionately about things for hours. Sometimes she was quiet, but get her on a topic she was invested in, or better yet, bring out any of her big emotions, and you’d be in for a TED talk. Ali always finds herself rambling on and talking in circles so she likes to keep things short where she can.

 

Ali thinks back to the night she first kissed Ashlyn, the same night she abandoned her drowning best friend and tried to flee her own deepest feelings. Ashlyn’s letter was beautiful, but it was wrong. Sure, Ali had wanted Ashlyn to get her shit together, and she knew she wouldn’t do it if she stayed around. But she had been a coward, not just some selfless person acting out of love. The truth was, she had been terrified but what she felt that night. Terrified of what it meant, terrified of who and what it made her.

 

The thing that had surprised Ali the most in Ashlyn’s letter, was how she had identified anger in her mix of emotions. Joy, love, fear, anger. _ Anger _ . She had been angry. Angry that Ashlyn had to go and shatter the facade Ali had spend so much time creating. Angry that Ashlyn had waiting so long to admit her feelings and now she was leaving. Angry that she undeniably wanted Ashlyn too.

 

She had been angry the night of her accident too. Angry that Ashlyn hadn’t identified herself. Angry that Ashlyn had saved her. Angry that Ashlyn looked so damn good.

 

And now here they were, months later, living the very life Ali had been so afraid of. Now they were honest, and strong, and working together instead of fighting what they were or what they felt for one another. Now they were a team.

 

There’s a soft knock on the door and as Ali looks up, Tobin pokes her head in.

 

“Sorry to interrupt.” Tobin says quietly.

 

“No, it’s okay, I’m done. I was just reflecting.” Ali smiles at her friend. “Are the gals regrouping?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just rounding everyone up.” Tobin nods.

 

Ali stands from the bunk she was sitting on and slips her shoes back on before following Tobin out to the main room.

 

“Anyone else feeling completely exhausted after that?” Christen asks. “But like, in a good way?”

 

“Oh, absolutely.” Ali says, wiping at the last remnants of her tears.

 

“Don’t worry, I cried too.” Christen says.

 

“Me too.” Alex raises her hand.

 

Tobin just nods in agreement.

 

“We’re going to have to get Kelley back for this.” Alex adds. “Make her cry too. Publically if we’re lucky.”

 

Everyone laughs at the suggestion, but agrees that at some point they’ll need to do something for Kelley for making this weekend so special for them, as well as the students she was responsible for.

 

“We should head to dinner.” Christen says, glancing at her watch. “Did someone grab Ash?”

 

“She was outside.” Tobin shrugs. “I told her we were getting ready to head to the mess hall.”

 

Ali walks over to the doors leading to the sitting area behind the cabin and peers through the glass but sees nothing. “Huh.” She says

 

“Maybe she’s out front?” Alex offers.

 

“Or she thought we were meeting there.” Tobin adds.

 

“I guess we’ll find out.” Ali says.

 

The girls file out of the cabin and start walking towards the main camp, but as the pass the small gravel turnout where they had parked their cars, they hearing pacing steps and a concerned voice. Ali sees the driver side door of Ashlyn car open too.

 

“And what’s her temperature?” Ashlyn asks.

 

Ali leans against the front seat but doesn’t sit all the way down as she watches Ashlyn walking back and forth beside the car.

 

“Take her in. Immediately.” Ashlyn’s tone is serious. “You really shouldn’t have waited this long.”

 

Now Ashlyn’s tone sounds irritated too and Ali knows something is wrong. She gestures to the rest of the girls to go on without them and they do so, albeit hesitantly.

 

“Yeah, I understand that.” Ashlyn’s irritation grows. “I do. But I’m 800 miles away, Mom. Sometimes you need to consult--”She’s cut off.

 

Ashlyn bawls her fist and clenches her teeth at whatever her mother is saying. Finally she lets out a deep breath and speaks in a low voice. “I’ll be on the next flight out that I can get.”

 

With that, Ashlyn ends the call and looks at Ali, tears in her eyes.

 

“What’s going on, Babe?” Ali asks soothingly.

 

“My grandma has pneumonia, I’m pretty sure.”

 

“Is she okay?”

 

“I don’t know. She sounds in bad shape and I don’t know why they didn’t take her to the fucking doctor!” Ashlyn is nearly yelling now.

 

“Why didn’t they?” Ali asks, not sure if the question will only make things worse.

 

“Apparently, they figured they’d wait to talk to me first. Doesn’t matter that they can hear her lungs rattling when she breathes and her temperature has been rising all day!”

 

“I’m sorry, honey. Is she okay? Are they taking her in?”

 

“I told my mom to have Dad take her to the E.D. Hopefully she’ll be admitted by the time I get there.”

 

“How can I help?” Ali wants to soothe Ashlyn but she knows how she is when she’s like this. She doesn't want words of encouragement or hugs. She needs something useful.  “I need to grab my stuff from the cabin and get on the road. Can you get a ride back with someone?” Ashlyn asks.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

 

“You’ve got class and the shop and--shit.” Ashlyn stops herself. “Class. I need to call Heather.”

 

“We can deal with getting ahold of Heather tomorrow. You go back to the cabin and pack up your stuff, okay? I’ll look up flight times and check in with Kelley. We’ll meet back here in 10 minutes.”

 

Ashlyn nods and places an appreciative kiss to the top of Ali’s head before she starts to head toward the cabin.

 

“Hey, Al?” She calls back a moment later.

 

Ali turns back and meets Ashlyn’s eyes. “Yeah?”

 

“Thanks for the letter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> Who wrote the better letter? Does Kelley really suck at beer pong? What happens next?!
> 
> Let me know!


	25. The End of the Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive my typos! I really wanted to get this one up before it was too late since you've all been waiting so patiently! Lots going on in this one, and lots more to come! Let me know what you think in comments, or send me a message on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Ali doesn’t go to Florida with Ashlyn. It eats her up inside. Flights were expensive, she didn’t have anyone to cover the shop on such short notice, it just didn’t make sense. Still, she was willing. She was ready.

 

But Ashlyn insisted she stay.

 

Ali tried not to let it sting. She tried not to feel like Ashlyn didn’t want her there.

 

But it hurt.

 

Ashlyn was gone for five days. Five days she slept in the easy-to-clean hospital recliner because she refused to leave her grandmother alone. Five days she spent asking questions, and making a plan of care. Five days for interviewing caretakers and home nurses. And five nights of calling Ali, exhausted and frustrated, asking her to tell her about her day so she could think about something else for a while.

 

The day before Ashlyn gets back, Kelley drops by Ali’s shop with coffee.

 

“Good morning, my angel-faced friend!” Kelley chirps as she hops up on the counter and holds out a cup to Ali.

 

“Morning.” Ali sighs. “Thanks.” She adds after her first sip.

 

“What? No classic Krieger smile?” Kelley asks. “I thought you’d be in a good mood knowing Ashlyn is on her way back today.”

 

“When do I start worrying about her, Kel? Like, for real?”

 

“It sounds like you already are.”

 

“She just seems so...distant.”

 

“Well she has been in another state for several days.”

 

“You know what I mean.” Ali shoots kelley a look.

 

“I do.” Kelley nods. “And I also know that you understand Ashlyn better than anyone else. It’s okay to be worried about her, she’s going through a lot of stress right now. Just remember that you know her, you know how to support her.”

 

“I just really care about her and I hate to see her so down.” Ali sighs.

 

“Yes, well, that happens when you fall in love. You start to give a damn.” Kelley says with a wink.

 

Ali thinks about what Kelley said about knowing how to support Ashlyn and spends the rest of the afternoon planning. That evening, she gets the text from Ashlyn that she’s landed safely.

 

**Ashlyn:** Landed safely. Headed to find an uber now...hopefully I’ll be back at my place in 30.

 

**Ali:** Exit through Departures...farthest gate. I hear that’s where all the ubers and lyfts wait now because arrivals gets backed up. You’ll get out faster.

 

**Ashlyn:** Good tip, thanks

 

A few minutes later Ashlyn walks out with her duffle bag. She distracted by her phone, probably trying to figure out why it doesn’t show any cars where she is, her brow furrowed.

 

“Need a ride?” Ali asks, leaning against the side of her car.

 

“Ali?” Ashlyn looks up at the sound of her voice. “You’re supposed to be closing up.”

 

“It was a slow day so I wrapped up early. An hour was nothing if it meant seeing you sooner.” Ali smiles.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t say another word. She lets her duffle slide off her shoulder and onto the ground as she rushes towards Ali, arms reaching out for her. Ali meets her halfway, and wraps her arms around Ashlyn’s neck, holding her in close, as Ashlyn nuzzles her face into Ali’s neck. They hold each other a long moment before Ali pulls back a little to look Ashlyn in the eye.

 

“Come on, Honey. Let’s go home.”

 

Ashlyn nods with a grateful smile. Ali grabs her bag and throws it in the back. When they get back to Ashlyn’s house, she’s surprised to see the glow of the lamps in her living room already on.

 

Ali reads Ashlyn’s confused expression and smirks. “I might have stopped by earlier.” She says with a shrug.

 

“What are you up to?” Ashlyn smiles her first real smile since arriving back in DC.

 

“You’ll see.” Ali grins back.

 

Ali, again, grabs Ashlyn’s bag and leads her inside. In the kitchen, Ali reveals their usual order from their favorite Indian place hidden in the warming drawer of the over, and a small box from Georgetown Cupcakes on the counter. Next she guides Ashlyn down the hallway to her bedroom, walking behind her and gently pushing her shoulders until the reach the door.

 

“Okay.” Ali says. “I know this week has been really hard for you. And while I can’t make your grandmother be in perfect health, or your family be easier to deal with, I can help you destress a little. I know it’s not much, but I hope it helps you feel a little better and might  remind you that you’re loved and supported.” With that, Ali reaches forward through Ashlyn’s arms and turns the knob, letting the door fall open a crack. Ashlyn looks back at Ali a moment before pushing the door open fully.

 

Inside, Ashlyn finds the most elaborate blanket fort she’s ever seen, including the dream forts she’s saved on her pinterest board. The door opened into a tunnel that leads right to the bed, which has been transformed into a giant nest of fluffy pillows and soft blankets. There are twinkle lights strung up everywhere, and a beautiful gauzy fabric in a pale seafoam color hangs down from the lights, making everything seem whimsical and inviting.

 

“Wow.” Ashlyn whispers in Awe as she stands inside in the magical space Ali has created for her.

 

“Do you like it?” Ali whispers back.

 

“This is incredible, Al.” Ashlyn says. Tears spring to her eyes as she continues to take it all in. “I can’t believe you did this. I don’t even know  _ how _ you did this.”

 

“I’m glad you like it.”

 

“I love it.” Ashlyn says sincerely. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” Ali smiles. She leans in a kisses Ashlyn deeply, with all the feelings she can’t put into words.

 

After a long moment, Ashlyn pulls back and looks at Ali seriously.

 

“This definitely took more than an hour. I hope you didn’t close the shop because of me.”

 

“My mom was able to help out at the shop.” Ali reassures. “But this would have been worth it, Ash. That shop is so important to me, but so are you. Loving you gets to be more important.”

 

Ashlyn just smiles her appreciation and leans in to kiss Ali again.

 

The pair spend the rest of the night and most of the next day in their blanket fort, sleeping and kissing and eating and talking. Ashlyn tells Ali everything about her trip home, and all the things weighing on her heart and mind. They laugh and cry, and sometimes just lay together in contented silence. By the time they have to get back to the real world, the light has returned to Ashlyn’s eyes and Ali, while still concerned, doesn’t feel so far away from Ashlyn anymore.

 

***

 

Three weeks later, things have mostly returned to normal. Ashlyn carries more stress with her these days, the circles under her eyes a little darker and the calls to and from her family more frequent, but she talks to Ali a lot, and takes comfort in dedicating herself to her work. Ashlyn likes to cope by making herself useful, so the morning of Jane’s ride along with herself and heather, Ashlyn wakes up in a particularly good mood.

 

Like always, Ashlyn walks into work 5 minutes early with coffee in hand. Usually she’s only got two cups, but today she carries a third. As soon as she walks through the door, she sees Jane sitting nearby on a bench. Jane nearly leaps to her feet at the sight of Ashlyn, a look of excitement mixed with terror across her face.

 

“Morning, Harris!” Jane rushes out.

 

“Campbell.” Ashlyn says with a nod, trying to hold back a laugh. “How long have you been here?”

 

“Oh, um, not too long.” Jane replies nervously. “I didn’t want to get caught in traffic or anything.” She mumbles the last part a bit sheepishly.

 

Although she knows Jane has probably arrived far too early out of nerves, she likes how she’s taking the experience seriously.

 

“Well, you know what I like to say…” Ashlyn starts.

 

“If you’re on time, you’re late.” Jane finishes.

 

“Exactly.” Ashlyn claps Jane on the back and holds out the cardboard tray of coffees to her.

 

Jane tries to take the whole tray from her hand and this time Ashlyn can’t hold back her laughter.

 

“I don’t want you to carry it for me,” Ashlyn says, “ I’m offering you one.”

 

“Oh. Oh!” Jane’s cheeks flush in embarrassment. “Thanks very much.” She says quietly, taking a cup.

 

“Let’s get to it then.” Ashlyn says with a grin. She turns and starts walking away, leaving Jane to follow behind her.

 

Ashlyn leads them to a garage there are a couple of ambulances parked. She rounds the back of one whose back doors are already open and shouts.

 

“HAO!”

 

“Coffee?” Heather’s voice from inside the truck asks in response.

 

“Is it a day that ends in y?” Ashlyn asks back.

 

“You’re very good to me.” Heather says after appearing and taking her first sip.

 

“And don’t you forget it.” Ashlyn reminds her friend.

 

“Hey, Jane.” Heather greets, looking at the girl who is standing a few feet back.

 

“Good morning.” Jane tries to sound more confident that she feels.

 

“Hop on up here and I’ll show you what we need to do.” Heather says.

 

They spend the next two hours prepping the ambulance and restocking from the shift before. The medics from the previous shift are supposed to replace things at the end of their shift, but it doesn’t always happen if they were on a late call or things were really hectic. Heather and Ashlyn work like a finely tuned machine, handing each other things, and answering questions that were never even asked aloud. They explain things simply as they go.

 

“This is where we keep oxygen.” Heather notes. “You’ve got to make sure this is good to go or shit gets really complicated, really fast.”

 

“Saline flushes.” Ashlyn says holding one up. “We steal these suckers all the time, but if you don’t restock them before shift switch, or at least let the next person know they need to be, you’re a jerk.”

 

“So far it’s a slow morning, which is why we’ve been able to take our time going through everything.” Heather explains as they finish up. “But that’s why we work in the order that we do. That way if calls start coming in right away, we’ve made sure all the most vital stuff has been taken care of already.”

 

Of course, as soon as Heather calls the morning slow, a call comes in over Ashlyn’s radio.

 

“Let’s roll, ladies!” Ashlyn knocks on the back of the ambulance on her way to the front seat.

 

“We’re not going too far, and traffic is light in this neighborhood so we don’t need to use the siren.” Heather says. “We don’t use it nearly as much as people think we do.”

 

“If we’ll get there just as fast with or without it, we don’t use it.” Ashlyn adds.

 

“Makes sense.” Jane replies. “So you must learn what the different neighborhoods and areas are like just through experience?”

 

“Pretty much.” Ashlyn answers. “Between taking calls and living here, you get a good idea.”

 

“Do you ever get lost or have trouble finding an address?” Jane asks.

 

“It can happen.” Heather replies. “But the 911 operators either stay on the line or get a phone number to call back so we can ask for help if we need to.”

 

They pull up to a rather nice brick house on a tree-lined street in the quiet neighborhood. Ashlyn and Heather move quickly as they grab their things and exit the ambulance.

 

“You’ll stick with me.” Ashlyn says to Jane.

 

Before she can respond, a petite woman in her late forties,  with a long, Auburn bob and wearing an expensive-looking pink robe opens the front door. She’s visibly shaking and she speaks frantically.

 

“He’s upstairs!” She calls to them. “Please help!”

 

When the reach the doorway, and the frightened woman, they can see a man in his mid-seventies lying on the floor near the stop of the stairway. Ashlyn heads up the stairs with Jane following close behind while Heather gets the story and the man’s medical history from the woman.

 

The woman, who they learn is named Angela, recently moved her father in with her. He takes medication for blood pressure and cholesterol but his health hadn’t been actively declining and he was fairly active, was sticking to his recommended diet, and mentally was all there. Angela had been down in the kitchen making breakfast, and waiting for her father to wake up as is their routine. She heard a loud thud from upstairs where she then found him, unconscious, on the floor in the hallway.

 

When Ashlyn and Jane reached John, he was still lying on the floor, but was regaining consciousness.

 

“Sir, can you hear me?” Ashlyn says to the man as his eyes flutter. “My name is Ashlyn, this is Jane, and we’re with EMS. We’re here to help you, okay?” As soon as she started talking, she began checking his vitals, nodding to Jane to do so with her.

 

The man moans in response.

 

“Can you tell me your name?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“John.” He’s slow to respond.

 

Ashlyn continues to ask John a few more questions as they finish their evaluation, and while his vital are good, he struggles to come up with answers and seems confused.

 

“Campbell?” Ashlyn asks Jane to give her her assessment.

 

“Vitals are good. Confusion, slurred speech, and left side facial drooping could indicate a stroke.”

 

“Good.” Ashlyn says to Jane before speaking again to her patient. “Okay, John. Jane and I are going to go get some equipment so we can get you downstairs and to the hospital where they can get you feeling better. I’m going to leave you with my partner, Heather. You just take it easy here another minute.”

 

They work quickly, carefully getting John downstairs and into the ambulance. John remains stable for the ride to the hospital, making it mostly uneventful. The emergency room isn’t too busy yet when they arrive, so they’re able to take John in right away.

 

“Common misconception about this job is that once you pull up to the ER, staff is there to rush the patient in right away.” Ashlyn explains as she fills out the post-call paperwork. “Just because you came by ambulance, doesn’t mean you’re top priority. We’ll stay with patients 30 minutes, sometimes longer, just depending on what they’re dealing with inside compared to the severity of what we’ve got.”

 

Another call comes over the radio just as Ashlyn finishes explaining and they head off to a neighbor that isn’t quite as luxury as the one before. The houses are smaller, and there is a bigger variance in how well kept they are. They pull up to a small blue house with a dried flower wreath on the door that reads “welcome” on a pink banner.  A woman, who looks to be in her early 30s, lets them in and explains that her 15-year-old daughter Sasha has had a seizure.

 

It’s apparent that the mother, Tiffany, has started to feel guilty for calling 911  now that her daughter has regained consciousness and is feeling better.

 

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says with a look of remorse. “You all must be so busy and I’m taking up your time because I panicked. She’s had a couple of these and we’re already seeing her doctor.”

 

“It’s alright, ma’am, really.” Ashlyn reassures. “Seizures can be really scary and we’d rather you be safe than sorry. We’re here to help you.”

 

“Thank you.” Tiffany says, still sounding apologetic.

 

“If you’re still feeling concerned and want to take her in, she’s stable and everything looks good, so you could save yourself the cost of a trip with us.” Ashlyn adds.

 

Jane hadn’t done much on this call so she’d made sure to pay close attention to what Ashlyn and Heather did and take mental notes. What Jane a noticed in this instance, was how well Ashlyn had read Tiffany and her concerns. While it seemed that Tiffany just felt bad for making a fuss, Ashlyn was able to look a little deeper and still see the fear behind the mother’s eyes. She knew the neighborhood they were in, saw the apron from the grocery store with Tiffany’s name tag, took in their lovely but modest home. Ashlyn wasn’t judging, she was observing. Tiffany was still concerned for her daughter’s wellbeing, but was struggling to decide if the situation was severe enough to justify the cost of an ambulance ride. Ashlyn had casually come in and helped her decide.

 

The next several hours were slower, allowing the three women to stop at a local diner for lunch and later a quick stop off at Starbucks before they were scheduled to be on hand for a girls’ high school soccer match. After the game they go on a call to a nursing home where they transport an elderly woman suffering from severe dehydration. Here, Jane notices that charming, personable, Ashlyn turns cold when the nursing home staff can’t recall how long their resident had been displaying symptoms or her medical history. Later, they’re called to a car accident where, thankfully, everyone was okay, but the damage to one of the cars had made it difficult to get the driver out. While Heather assisted the firefighters with the extraction, Ashlyn entered the woman’s 4-year-old son, “magically” pulling a sticker out of his ear, and enthusiastically discussing his favorite superhero.

 

Jane was riding high on the rush of a busy day and the sense of accomplishment she felt from having a part in it as the shift was coming to a close. She was feeling more confident and comfortable around her mentor and her partner, even cracking a few jokes here and there with them as they were heading back to the station. They’re less than 10 minutes away from the station when a call comes in. They’re the closest unit to the college campus apartments, so Heather checks for traffic, and makes a quick u-turn.

 

“ _ So _ close.” Heather says.

 

“Shift doesn’t end unless the calls do.” Ashlyn comments back to Jane.

 

“If we’re lucky, it’ll just be a kid who played a little too much beer pong. We’ll hang some fluids and leave them in the ER to sober up with Alex.” Heather says with a laugh.

 

“Oh, yeah, she’d  _ love  _ that.” Ashlyn says with a laugh of her own.

 

When they reach the apartment on the third floor, the door is already open, and there are students standing around in the hallway trying to figure out what’s going on. Heather tells them to clear out so they can do their job.

 

Inside the apartment, Heather talks to the sobbing girlfriend and stunned roommate who had come home to find their friend unresponsive on the bathroom floor.

 

Ashlyn and Jane go right to the bathroom and begin working.

 

“Can you hear me?” Ashlyn asks loudly, tapping the young man’s face to try and rouse him. “Can you open your eyes for me?”

 

No response.

 

“Come on, buddy.” Ashlyn tries again. “Open your eyes for me.”

 

Still nothing.

 

“Pulse is weak.” Jane notes. “Respiration is shallow.”

 

Ashlyn pulls up one of the kid’s eyelids and shines her penlight over it. “Pinpoint pupils.”

 

She feels his skin. “Cold, clammy. He’s dripping in sweat.”

 

Ashlyn gets oxygen on him as Heather enters the small room. “Possible opioid overdose.” Ashlyn states.

 

“Narcan?” Heather asks.

 

Ashlyn nods as she administers it and soon after the young man begins breathing a bit stronger. Ashlyn tries to rouse him again.

 

“Can you hear me?” She asks again. His eyes flutter.

 

“His name is Matt.” Jane offers.

 

“Matt, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?”Ashlyn tries. Matt moves his head slightly but doesn’t respond.

 

“I’ve got scripts for Percocet and Vicodin.” Jane says holding up the bottles. “Both empty.”

 

“Grab them.” Heather says. “Let’s get him out of here.”

 

Heather turns to grab her equipment when their patient suddenly stops breathing.

 

Ashlyn checks his pulse again. “AED, now!” She commands.

 

“Cardiac arrest?” Jane asks.

 

Ashlyn only nods as she cuts Matt’s shirt open to place the patches. Heather being the smallest of them, climbs on top of him and starts chest compressions. Ashlyn gives orders and Jane follows them, as they work to remove Matt from the tiny bathroom, Heather still perched above him, stopping her compressions only when they AED indicates shock advised.

 

In the ambulance, Ashlyn takes over doing the compressions and Heather jumps in the driver’s seat, this time, turning on the sirens as they speed off. Jane thinks she can hear Matt’s ribs cracking with one of the compressions. The trip to the hospital is a blur for Jane but she keeps following Ashlyn’s orders.

 

“We still don’t have a pulse.” Jane says, the weight of the situation heavy in her voice.

 

“We don’t stop.” Ashlyn says slowly, seriously, looking up just long enough to catch Jane’s eyes. “That’s not our job. We fight for them. We keep going.”

 

This time, when they reach the emergency room, there is a whole team of people waiting for them to receive the patient. Alex catches Ashlyn’s eye and she shakes her head. Alex nods in acknowledgement before she turns back to her team and they all rush out of sight.

 

Jane jumps off the back of the truck and bolts around the corner of the building.

 

“I’ll deal with this.” Heather nods towards the doors Alex and her team just disappeared through. “You deal with that.”

 

Ashlyn finds Jane not far away, pacing back and forth.

 

“Shit. Shit.  _ Shit _ .” Jane mutters to herself, her volume increasing slightly with each utterance.

 

“Jane.” Ashlyn says calmly.

 

“Shit!” Jane jumps at the sound of Ashlyn’s voice, then turns and heaves the contents of her stomach into the bushes beside her.

 

“I’m not supposed to react.” Jane says quietly, once she’s finished.

 

“Sure you are.” Ashlyn says soothingly. “We’re human beings, Jane. We’re not made to walk away from trauma, even if it’s someone else’s, without feeling anything at all. Sure, we don’t want to share every emotion we have with the patients we see, but the only thing that makes you worth a damn in this field is how much heart you have doing it.”

 

“Bullshit.” Jane looks at Ashlyn.

 

“I’m serious, Campbell.” Ashlyn replies. “We’ve all got the skills to get by or we’d be fired. Everyone who is doing this day in and day out knows what they’re doing. They can do the job. But the thing that separates the good paramedics from the great ones, is in the humanity you bring. You’re going to see some awful shit in this job, it’s true. But that’s life. These things are really happening to someone, and you’re going to step up and help them through it.”

 

“And what about the ones we can’t help?” Jane bites out angrily. “What about him, huh? What good does my “heart” do him? He’s dead!”

 

“That kid could have died alone on his bathroom floor. Instead, he had three people, plus everyone in the hospital give their all just to give him a chance. When he died, he had someone right beside him willing to cry for him.”

 

With that, Jane finally breaks fully, bending at the waist, her face in her hands, her body wracked with sobs.

 

Ashlyn lets her cry a moment. When she’s calmed herself enough to stand up, Ashlyn wraps the girl in a hug.

 

“Matt Nelson.” Jane states. “We sat behind me in college algebra I before I dropped out.”

 

“That’s how you knew his name.” Ashlyn puts together what she hadn’t seen before.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“The first one that hits close to home is rough.” Ashlyn says.

 

“What if I’m not really cut out for this?” Jane asks.

 

“When you realized we were going to save him, what did you do?” Ashlyn asks back.

 

“I don’t know.” Jane looks confused.

 

“What did you  _ do _ , Jane?” Ashlyn asks again.

 

Jane thinks a long moment.

 

“I did whatever you told me to.” Jane finally responds.

 

“Why?”

 

“We keep going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? 
> 
> What did you learn about Ashlyn? Should Ali be concerned? What do you think happens next?
> 
> Let me know!

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? Favorite parts/lines? Thoughts? Feelings? Questions?


End file.
